What Schools Can't Teach: Insights from Ms. Suseela Santhosh | Vishwa Vidyapeeth Schools

What Schools Can't Teach: Insights from Ms. Suseela Santhosh | Vishwa Vidyapeeth Schools

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Transcript:
(00:00) Schools cannot teach everything. Schools can only nourish what is being taught at home. We can teach subjects but rest should start from home and then come to the school. >> I've read that strict parents make amazing liars. >> Liars happen when a child comes and speaks. You know something what happened at school today? I pushed a boy.
(00:21) He fell down immediately. You slap the child. Why did you push him? where you be as a guide, be as a mentor, be as a support, be a parent. >> Line where it is not supporting but it is interfering. Is there a line? >> Ma'am, parenting is not something which you can learn from textbooks or anything.
(00:40) Each parenting environment is different. But prepare a child whom if you throw in a dust bin, they should find a place to grow there. Today most of the children will not have attention span. [music] My request to parents, if your child is not eating, fine. Child is not listening to you. Fine. Don't give the gadget as a substitution for you.
(00:57) What will a nanny do? [music] She comes for a money. For the money what you pay her, she comes. When you are not bothered about your biological child, why will they be bothered about your child? We are [music] telling children should not run behind marks. Adults also should stop running only behind money. >> When a parent says, I have traveled by bus all through my childhood.
(01:18) I don't want my child to go through the bus. So I will drop because I have the capability. [music] Good. You do that what after you prepare your children for the worst also. Imagine a child pulling the mother's hair always. It's a common tendency after 6 months 8 months if somebody keeps clapping good job.
(01:34) He will be a person who will hit his wife later. Where to stop it is very important. I request the parents even this two children are mandatory. They need siblings. They need someone to share. Ma'am, is it easy for parents to offer comforts over emotional support to our children? >> No ma'am, comfort is necessary but [music] don't give luxury.
(01:55) The reason why I'm telling this is welcome to yellow podcast. In a time when screens are the new teachers and value takes a backseat, should Jen Z really be learning lessons from Bhagwat Gita in schools? When schools revive the essence of teacher student bond and children to respect the farmers, are they holding on to the past or redefining what education truly means for today's generation? Joining us today
(02:40) is Miss Sheila Santos, director of Vishua Vidya Petit Group of Schools, Bangalore. An educator who believes that real education isn't just about building bright minds but strong values. Namaskar ma'am. >> Namaste ma'am. today. Do you think we parents are actually raising our children to be global citizens but we are forgetting to make them good human beings? Is that right? Mostly right.
(03:14) Why I said that word is every parent will have possessiveness towards their kids. Unlike the past where every parent had minimum three children, maximum it could go up to six or seven. So they had confidence that everybody will grow together. Next our generation came where two kids were there two to three and they had a family system which was there.
(03:41) Today single child concept which is little bothering for the reason the child do not know how to share and care for other children. Number one. Number two unknowingly with possessiveness. The child is pampered too much by the parents. There is no free time given to the child. For example, you want your child to learn cooking.
(04:04) You can tell the child please go and cook. Are we leaving like that? No. We'll be behind them. Why did you keep it here? You clean this. You chop it like this and you cook like this. The creativity is killed there itself. It's okay. While chopping the vegetables, if there is a small slit in the child's, it's okay.
(04:24) Nothing is going to happen. If a child has a fall while running, it's okay. Nothing is going to happen. Are we allowing our children to fall and learn how to get up? It's not happening. Even in the schools, morning assemblies, we cannot allow our children to stand for more than 30 minutes because of the sunlight.
(04:45) The child faints, there is lot of problem. >> Where is the immunity system in the child's body? Sometimes it's very surprising if not in our school as a conversation. Some children are so conscious that they become tan if they're in the sunlight and they have to go to a parlor to take care of that. >> Where are global citizens? >> What is the definition of global citizens? Let the child be reared or be brought up in a practically viable situation. It's okay. It's fine.
(05:16) We should allow them to be like that. You should let the child be a child. >> Yes. Not child be grow naturally ma'am. Let them fall. As I said, let them get hurt. Not a problem. That doesn't mean again what do you mean to tell that if my child is falling should I stand and watch? No. But how would you train a child? So I feel we have to give that kind of parenting which is necessary for the child where you be as a guide, be as a mentor, be as a support but be a parent.
(05:48) But ma'am, when you are saying this, we've had a sports principal who has seen parents who used to get up at 3:00 in the morning and bring their child for sports sharp by 4:30 every single day for the past 5 years. And only then the child was able to perform. So you're saying let the child be, let the child fall. >> Correct. >> But as parent, we have to push our children to do it.
(06:16) See who is a truthful parent who is taking the child for coaching. Don't interfere in the coaching. You're taking the child to the coaching center. Give the responsibility to the teacher. Let him groom the child. This is a supportive parenting system. You should appreciate that kind of parents who are waking up in the morning taking the children to such far place and putting the children on the right track.
(06:39) But standing there and watching is not the right thing. >> See you can imagine children who go to the park also. They'll all be playing. >> Okay. One child will push the other child. >> Is it unusual? >> No, it's not. >> It's usual. >> Yes. >> If two mothers are sitting there, they'll get up, go run, they will start the fight.
(06:55) Imagine if mothers are not there. Only the children fall. They will learn a life skill. How am I going to adjust? The child who pushed accidentally may go there down and allow the child to get up, dust the child until I'm sorry. I'm telling that kind of interference should not be there from parents. >> Okay? >> But parent should be there with the children always.
(07:16) So where is that line where it is not supporting but it is interfering? Is there a line? >> Ma'am, parenting is not something which you can learn from textbooks or anything. Each parenting environment is different. Each parenting [music] style is different. Each child's genetic makeup is different. >> I cannot read a book and tell no parenting.
(07:35) It tells that okay when the child is reading don't interfere. No my child comes and ask me question but I'll tell no the book said don't interfere. I'm not going to. It's not like that. It's creating an environment where the child will be able to learn what is right, what is wrong, what is acceptable, what is unacceptable and how to have that balance between right and wrong. Okay.
(08:03) So parents should be there with the children. Today whenever I travel most of the airports or most of the places there will be four people in the family or three daughter will be will be with the mobile father will be with the mobile and mother there is no human connect right >> instead of that sit and speak >> I'm telling that kind of parenting is necessary there is no socializing at all absolutely no one day it'll become like that on Facebook I have one lakh friends but in real when I'm having a difficulty I don't have even one friend to come and
(08:33) talk I think it's already there. The other day I read a post telling he has so many thousands of friends online but when he wants to speak nobody is available. >> Nobody is available. That's what I'm trying to tell be realistic be practical. Earlier we used to know the entire street. If you remember those days in the villages if a wedding happens in the house of one villager all others would become the host for the relatives who come.
(09:02) Today in the so-called apartments or anywhere you don't know your neighbor and you can't trust anybody also. No. >> Yeah. >> Because we have become so busy and in the process of growth factor in terms of money what we earn we are missing out on very small important aspects of life. You can't trust people. You can't rely on anybody. There is no bonding.
(09:24) There is no helping. I'm not telling it is not happening anywhere. I'm telling in majority. Now children also we encourage children to come by school bus because they learn >> how to be with them. It's okay if a friend sits in the window seat and if you don't get it's fine don't come and fight for that tomorrow they will learn how to gel down and how to mellow down how to help each other.
(09:45) If they come individually in the car what will the child learn? The child will learn luxury. When will the child travel by bus? So these kind of things are the parenting things what the parent should take care of. When a parent says I have traveled by bus all through my childhood I don't want my child to go through the bus so I will drop because I have the capability good you do that what after you covid was some situation like that where few of the children have lost both the parents imagine if somebody should take care of
(10:16) your child after you is your child flexible can you guarantee what you have today's life your life is going to be like that or prepare your children for the worst also. Why do we call it as disaster management, disaster preparedness, preparedness should be there for everything even akadashi fasting what we used to do is to prepare our body that even in case you don't eat anything you can sustain for a day because it clears your gut and it maintains your health also.
(10:49) Imagine a child is fed four times five times a day. We have seen during COVID how much of obesity has happened in children continuously they were eating also. >> Yeah. >> So everything should be limited. Anything too much is not right. Being strict too much is also not right. Being liberal too much is also not right. >> Right.
(11:07) Because I've read somewhere that strict parents make amazing liars. >> That's why I said ma'am strict parents are different. A parent who do not let their child express is different. >> Okay. >> Okay. You have some system at home. You have to wake up at 5 5:00 in the morning. You have to come back home at 8:00 in the night.
(11:25) You're not going to use your mobile while having food. Spend time with family. This is strictness. >> Liars happen when a child comes and speaks. Okay? You know something what happened at school today? I pushed a boy. He fell down. Immediately you slap the child. Why did you push him first time? Okay.
(11:41) Second time the child will come and tell today you know I've got only so much of marks. Please sign this. Again you slap the child until why did you get zero? or not. So then a child understands there is nobody to listen to me. Instead I will be unheard or I will be getting some more negative impact on me if I tell all this.
(11:58) So they stop suppressing all these things and they'll come back home and tell which is only rosy to you which will be only pleasing to you. So strictness can never build liars. A parent who do not allow the child to be expressive about what they want to be. Always expecting no you are going to tell only what I like.
(12:15) That kind of parents only create that. >> Ma'am, do you think we are raising emotionally weak children or are we actually giving like stress and anxiety too much of importance because I hear a 7-year-old or a 9year-old having a panic attack and they say no no it is real the child is actually having a panic attack.
(12:38) Do you think we're giving too much of importance to all these things or is is it actually there? Ma'am, it was there and it will be there also. Not like we didn't have all that. But nobody named it. Suppose we were all children. Each friend comes and troubles us. It was not named as bullying.
(12:56) We used to tell he's teasing me. It's okay. >> Right? It depends on the words what we use. And prepare a child who can face by them. How long are you going to be with your child as a parent? Okay. At certain stages if it is a girl child if the child is timid or if the child is feeling very shy and they can't speak or something you go and speak on your child's behalf if at school at college level anywhere but beyond that what will happen same way with the boy children also allow them to balance their emotions teach them create an
(13:26) environment at home that will groom that kind of child. See all of us would have had small children at home right whatever the child does we smile imagine a child pulling the mother's hair always it's a common tendency >> yeah once or twice you laugh suppose imagine after 6 months 8 months if whenever the child pulls the mother's hair if somebody keeps clapping good job after 3 years good job he will be a person who will hit his wife later where to stop it is very important so that depends on the parents how they take
(13:57) care of we should be very very sensitive ible in raring our children, in grooming our children again because they belong to the future. You don't know what 15 years is going to be like later. But prepare a child whom if you throw in a dust bin, they should find a place to grow there.
(14:17) They should not cry, why did they throw me here? They should feel here I do not have competition, I can grow. So that that kind of children you need to groom that is possible only if you're having strong will and tell that no my child is going to face a challenge. >> Ma'am what about the children who are a little aggressive as you were talking about hitting the parents? The parents can be calm and gentle but if the child is the one who hits and slaps and throws things around anywhere at home outside and all what does that has to say about
(14:49) the child? Children normally throw tantrums. See when your child is at home, when only you, your husband or your family is there, they may not do anything. But when you go to a place, they normally try to ask you, can you buy this for me? When you say no to seek attention of everybody where your image, you'll be protective about your image.
(15:06) You don't want to say no in front of others. The child will start crying, hitting the floor, everything. Then if you buy that to the child, he will think okay, this is a technique what I can use. But if you say no to the child, what may happen? It's fine. I am not going to get this to you. That's fine. But beyond certain extent, if the child is more aggressive, if the child is throwing tantrums, seek support of a psychologist, take counseling.
(15:32) That is a part where we are still not open to to go and seek their support. We should seek support from them. So there'll be counseling done to the child and he will be made to understand that emotional stability, emotional control, all that should be done. And psychological problems are not psychiatric problems. Right.
(15:49) >> So that difference we need to understand. >> Can you tell us what is the difference between psychological and psychiatric problems? >> Psychiatric or medical illnesses like schizophrenia, obsessivempulsive disorders, all these things which are medically termed. Psychological can be corrected also. >> Okay, that is mood disorders, aggression, all these things with counseling and taking care of the mind is possible.
(16:16) ADHD is a psychological disorder. We can take care. Imagine ma'am today most of the children will not have attention span. Can you tell why? >> Gadgets is what I personally >> in gadgets. What is the particular aspect? >> I think it's the reals the instant gratification I mean you you just keep moving it >> 5 seconds you you move something that kind [clears throat] of light which is falling on the eyes and the brain of the child.
(16:39) How will the child sit attentively? My request to parents if your child is not eating fine. If your child is not listening to you, don't give the gadget as a substitution for you. Whenever I see anybody, I pull the gadget and I keep I spend the time with children even in a railway station or an airport. I don't mind doing that.
(16:58) I am telling the parent, easy your child. Imagine the impact on the brain. We are choosing easy ways out. Ma'am, we are not ready to spend time with our children. If your child has to sit half an hour with you when you're waiting for a plane, you should have interesting stories for your children. You should know interesting facts for your children.
(17:18) You should be able to groom the child in that way because you are not capable. You give a mobile and you sit and talk to somebody and the child also gets spoiled. Let's stop that. Let's have that connect. This connect in school between a teacher and a student in the family between the family members and the child is something which will groom the children to become productive citizens of this country.
(17:39) Otherwise nothing. Most of these children are raised by nannies and helpers around wherein a parent though a parent tries to explain it to the child but because they are both working parents they hand the child over to the nanny. What do you think as a parent that we can tell them that these are dos and don'ts to the nanny for them to follow for the child? >> We only don't follow what we are supposed to do as parents.
(18:06) What will a nanny do? She comes for a money. For the money what you pay her, she comes. Instead, if you have two kids at home, both will take care of each other. Have elders at home, grandparents at home. Have a joint family system, which was wonderful system those days because joint family was there. Even if both wife and husband were working, either the nephew or the niece or the grandparents, somebody was there to take care of the children.
(18:30) They used to see and learn. Today whom they will see. Now you will tell when elders come, you need to stand up >> or you need to respect them. In joint family there was a situation where eldest person of the family comes others will give place and something like today you don't have all that no ma'am can you depend on nanny I think two days back we have seen in the social media also maid killed a puppy in the lift >> in spite of being paid >> today everything is free for them why will they come for work first if they come for work why will they want to
(19:00) follow whatever you tell when you are not bothered about your biological child why will they be bothered about your child. Let us measure our life not in terms of money but in terms of happiness and quality of the child you have raised. Can you tell me where do we get that gratification? When will you define your settled in life? The greediness should not be on the money what we earn.
(19:28) Greediness should be on the quality of the child what we rar. You become a best mother. You become a best father. Now you said there is a parent who takes the child everyday morning 5:00. That is something what the child needs. Imagine will the child go out of a track. Will the child ever think to get bad name? Maybe in sports there is competition.
(19:47) He may not become a topper. He may not become a national champion or something. But he will never become a child who will get bad name to that parent because from childhood the child would have watched how much of hard work the mother and the father has put in them. the same parent because you can afford you throw with nanny in the car and you tell you go and take the child for the classes.
(20:09) >> Yeah. >> And I pay on the way this nanny will speak nonsense with the driver and they spend time together. What will the child learn? Parenting is the quality time what you send spend with your child not the quantity time. It may not be ours together but little time have quality. >> Beautifully said ma'am.
(20:28) Do you think childhood has become a performancedriven situation? >> Yes ma'am. It's it has become performancedriven because every parent want their child to be first in everything and every parent want to ensure that the child is happy with even not being perfect also. They don't want the children to cry.
(20:49) They don't want the children to listen to know. They don't want the children to come second or third also. Then how is it possible for the child to understand that real life game? It's not possible. So even a pre- primary child the parent expect public speaking skills right? Is it there in the DNA of a child? It's okay.
(21:06) It comes gradually. Okay you dreaming I am like this but I don't. It's fine but give them some time and do not expect miracles to happen overnight. Certain things are natural process. If a child should be born after 9 months after 9 months 9 days only it is called full term. [laughter] Even if you fix a good date and remove the child in 8th month, it's called premature.
(21:27) >> True. >> We want fully matured, prepared citizens for this country. Allow them to grow like that. Give practical situations. Let them become tough. Let them become realistic. Don't fake them. Do not fake them with temporary or uh you know instant gratifications what you do. Allow them to have patience. Wonderfully Montasuri trains in all this.
(21:52) >> Yes. >> Montasuri Maria Montasuri which has started 100 years back will teach all these important aspects where the child needs to have patience. You need to give importance to others. You wait for your turn like this. All these things are taught in the preschool. But what we teach at home if you do not what is the point? >> Ma'am is it easy for parents to offer comforts over emotional support to our children? No ma'am comfort is necessary but don't give luxury.
(22:24) >> How do we define what is luxury and what is comfort? >> Sending a child to school by school bus is comfort. Taking in an AC car where the child is not learning how to adjust with others getting dropped to the doorstep picking up is luxury. The reason why I'm telling this is every child should understand difficulties also from the early age when they are with their age group and their peer group they learn a lot do not become helicopter parents we call them continuously monitoring their children why my child didn't do this
(22:59) once they come back from school there'll be a WhatsApp group what did your child tell my child didn't tell my child my child okay your child is not an expressive child but give them some space do not become too finicky about everything. Everything cannot be remote controlled by us. Allow them to grow. If you allow then after 5 days your child will come back.
(23:22) Amma you know something today I did this. So that family time you tell what you did the whole day. The child will automatically tell what he did the whole day. Everything will go around what kind of parent you are. Your social status which is defined by money should not influence the child. Let the child earn the social status in terms of name and fame which will automatically the byproduct will be money.
(23:46) Importance of life should be taught to children being alpastoshis like for small things they should have happiness. As we spoke in the morning for our birthdays those days where our parents very difficultly they used to give us something we used to not open it preserve it ears together even till date >> but today can you imagine a child keeping like that they will comment on that why did you bring this I didn't want this I don't like this you should have spent better than this no I feel we should never blame our children the problem is with parents
(24:20) >> but what if I can get her better things and I want to give her >> give her nobody's stopping you. But what if a situation arises where you cannot give her? Are you preparing her making her aware that this is as of now what see today IT companies why to give any other example a CEO of a company or a VP of a company or a team manager of a company he don't know when he sacked his monthly income is three lakhs his child's lifestyle he has developed like that suddenly he loses a job birthday nothing can be done to the child the
(24:52) child will tell no if you take me to Taj and cut the cake I am happy otherwise no what will you tell with the children you can afford Today if you are guaranteed throughout the lifetime of a child you can afford the same thing continue. If you are not please do not ma'am from the banana tree I will give you this example the more the fruits are what will the plant do ma'am >> it bends towards >> it will bend towards earth to tell its gratitude to the earth.
(25:22) It's not the money or the status always. It's how full the child is with value systems. How full the child is with good personality skills. That is important as a parent what you have to look at and measure it not uh what we can afford. That's what I feel personally. You were talking about how children learn the most when they are with peers.
(25:45) But in today's society, the child has five friends and all four of them have gone for international vacations and the fifth one comes home and is like no the others have gone for an international vacation I need to go. How do you try and explain the child that though we can afford to go for an international vacation that is not what is needed at this point of time.
(26:12) >> Correct. You have to explain that that's that is a parenting style [laughter] to tell them value for money. >> Yes, you can afford to go but how best you are going to spend that instead of going there. Is it required? See, imagine a child's first birthday or second birthday. They have destiny birthdays today.
(26:29) >> Yes, >> they go to Thailand to spend the birthdays or go to some other country. Can the child at least remember anything what you do? Are we sensibly deciding on what we are supposed to do just because we are affordable? Can we do whatever we want? The materialistic things you didn't have.
(26:47) But your parents had brought you up in a very very systematic way. Take those things forward. No, still affordable parents. Have a balance between both. You do this and you do that. Affordability is not only in terms of money, in terms of good heart, in terms of good deeds, in terms of good practices.
(27:07) This is something what you have to teach them. We are telling children should not run behind marks. Adults also should stop running only behind money. Money can become the byproduct of the good work what you do. But money should not be the end product what you're looking at. I'm not telling as a philosophy. This is what we believe in.
(27:26) This is what we want our children to be believing in. Yes, we need money for survival. We need to earn. No doubt in that. But at what cost? Are we doing it ethically? Are we doing it with proper value systems? This is what we have to look at. >> So when you're talking about the child having ethics and values in today's world, do you really think these ethics and values have a place? >> Yes, that's what khalki is playing with us.
(27:54) No, the kali yoga is that kali is said to destroy us with all this. But still good people can do all these things. What has happened to today's world? We are only magnifying. There are still good people. That's why world is existing. That good people number should not come down. That's where we have responsibility of increasing the good people number.
(28:13) Only when there is dark you know the value of light. Correct? >> So bad people are also necessary but that doesn't mean the people who give light are reduced. Right? >> So we'll have to try and tell our children to >> we have to behave in such a way that child understands from us what are we expecting from them.
(28:31) Don't keep on telling them. you also behave and conduct yourself in. >> So as parents we have to change. >> We have to be parents. >> So as parents it's okay to tell my child that these are the things that you are not supposed to do. >> Absolutely. You have authority. You don't give that authority to your children to boss over you because the brain networking which starts from behind ends in the frontal part.
(28:57) It will take 18 years right from the conception in the mother's womb. That is why the frontal part is responsible for decision making. So if a child completes 18 it is good they can decide well that's why even scientifically they in our culture also they tell children cannot decide they can suggest I like this I will do this.
(29:20) Just imagine for your 5-year-old daughter's birthday if you have to spend 10,000 on the frog. Is it necessary? How much can you please people? Same 10,000 you take your daughter to an old age home orphanage or give them something or tell her to save the money for the future. This what you can teach as a good parent.
(29:39) Today who come only to your parties tomorrow will not be there with you when you are in need. >> Absolutely. As adults we know that. But how do we try and explain it to our children? >> Why should you explain? You conduct yourself like that. That's what I'm telling ma'am. We are supposed to behave like that.
(29:54) We need not explain our children. >> Imagine everyday morning as you wake up you rub your hands and you start telling Karagrava Lakshmi. Child will tell. Everyday morning the moment you wake up if you have a glass of beer with you. What will your child learn? Seeing is learning for the children. Family is the first school what the child has.
(30:10) Mother is the first teacher what the child has. Schools cannot teach everything. Schools can only nourish what is being taught at home. We can teach subjects but rest should start from home and then come to the school. Ma'am, modern parents are creating these kind of standards for children and feeling guilt about it.
(30:34) >> Why to feel guilt ma'am? Accept reality. We are not here always to impress others. We have to impress ourselves that we are being the best. We are doing the best. We are putting in efforts. Once you are happy with you, rest of them will follow you. Once you try to impress others, you yourself will not be happy.
(30:55) Every day you'll have the guilt end of the day just to impress them. I have I was supposed to do this just because they wanted I was supposed to do this. Why to do that? You impress yourself every day. As working parents, few of us if we are not able to be there for the child's play or for the child's birthday, we try to get the other thing compensation for us not being there.
(31:20) Is that the right thing? >> No need to compensate for a real love. >> But the guilt is there that I am not there. >> Then you are [clears throat] showing to the child also. Tomorrow when you grow old if the child is working somewhere if they don't come they will send you the precious gifts only. It's a cycle.
(31:35) So don't compensate if you're not able to spend time with them for this birthday next birthday spend more time or next day after the birthday spend time. If you have a child who is understanding what is the hard work of my parent for my sake they will never feel bad for >> yeah it's not the children that's the problem. It's the parents.
(31:53) That's why I'm telling you you need not feel guilty because the child will not feel anything for that. Why do you want to feel guilty? You're working for them. Right? If you have gone for something else compensating your child's birthday, I understand, right? Imagine our soldiers ma'am who are in the borders. >> Don't they have families? >> Don't they have birthdays and weddings? But country first.
(32:15) Give examples of these kind of things. Nobody can substitute them. If the child has a birthday, can the soldier leave in the border and then go back home until my child's birthday? He cannot even afford to compensate like us. But when he comes home, the festive mood what it has and the love and care for them, that will be fantastic.
(32:35) That kind of culture we have to build in our children also. >> But do you think parents are filling these small gaps with materialistic things? >> That's their headache. [laughter] Seriously, when you know materialistic things are temporary, you are creating your own cycle. Today you satisfy your child with materialistic.
(32:56) Tomorrow they'll satisfy you whenever they cannot be with you with materialistic. Instead, you sit and talk to them and explain I'm going for this meeting because of this reason I'm unable to be with you. Once we come back, we'll spend time together. Is that fine? Yes, mama. I love you always. Please go ahead. That bonding is something what I am telling can never be substituted by anything else.
(33:20) That's why ma'am initially I said it's not the quantity time it's the quality time what we spend with our children right maybe one meal weekly ones also because if your work attention or your working style is like that not a problem but every day have a connect with your children no let them understand you so ma'am most of us parents we try and tell let's say our children who are a little in a higher grades you try and get an A+ or 90 plus and then you'll be able to get this.
(33:49) I'll give you extra money or I'll buy you a shoe or buy you a cycle. But I feel it's trying to bribe a child. The child has to study. That's the child's duty. So when the child has to do the duty, I'm bribing the child to do it better. If a child comes to you in grade seven and asks you, I want to buy a cycle. What will you tell them? Okay.
(34:15) If you learn how to ride it. >> Okay. Now if you don't set anything see that can be interpreted as bribing or as in setting target in psychology we have reward and punishment that stages when we speak about the psychological theories what we have for anything good what you do you get a reward if you don't do good there is a punishment >> okay >> correct now even in competitions when they perform very well they'll get first prize second prize third prize is that bribing >> no that is performance when you perform perform something and you get what you
(34:49) deserve that is okay. Now if your child has ability >> okay >> but the child do not do it for laziness >> okay >> but you know what the child likes now you want to bring out the ability in your child by telling the child if you can do this you will get this I'm not I'm telling this under conditions the child has ability but the child is lazy the child gives excuses but you know your child's mentality if the child knows that there is something achievable which the child needs the most then you tell this that defers situation to
(35:21) situation every time. You cannot keep on telling this but a child should understand nothing will come free of cost. There's hard work required for it >> like small things like doing chores at home. >> That is bare minimum. Today what happens children come by school bus. Okay. Because they have luxury at home.
(35:39) They'll remove the shoe and they'll throw they'll throw the rag there. There is a maid to come and give them a glass of water. What do you do with that kind of children? There is certain discipline which is to be set. So in psychology also we have a table where everyday activities you tick you have removed your shoes and kept it there tick if you get so many ticks in a week this is a reward what you get this is to regularize the activities of the children and to discipline them but equally there should be punishment also
(36:06) >> like what you don't do this you will not get what you want >> so as parents we can put that >> yes as parents we should >> we should >> because we want to prove as I mentioned to you earlier Here I want to satisfy myself that I'm a very very eligible parent because tomorrow I do not want anybody to comment on my child the child was not brought up properly.
(36:28) So I am looking at myself the end of the day satisfaction what I get am I right as per me because every parent will have their limitations there might be certain parents who cannot afford so much of money whatever the child has you were telling the other time there are five friends four of them go for international one if you're affordable and not sending you will justify if you're not affordable what will you do >> again that bonding if there is between the mother and the child or a father and the child family and the child you need
(36:54) not you should never get into a situation where you should explain yourself to them. That is the worst part in anyone's >> ma'am. We all know that gadgets are there. We can't be without it. But as parents, we try our level best to keep our children away from gadgets. >> But is there something that we can balance and take the good out of it? >> Yes. You tell me one good reason.
(37:19) Why does a 10-year-old child need a mobile? You said we cannot leave without it. No, ma'am. probably to call in during an emergency. >> What emergency? >> Let's say the child has gone down to play and then the child needs to talk to the mother. >> Why? Why? >> Actually true. See, we are creating for our own comfort all these luxury.
(37:39) 10year-old child when they go down to play why do they need the mobile? Gadgets are required where it is real emergencies. There are still many many educationists, many good people living on this earth without using the gadgets with really what they are supposed to fulfill. My point here is define the use of anything what you give to the child.
(38:04) If your child needs to call you, are you ready to give Nokia 1000 phone to your child? >> Yeah, the simple one without a smartphone. >> We don't do that. No ma'am. Unknowingly or knowingly we are entangling ourself into the responsibility escape what we are doing now we are escaping from our responsibilities >> by giving the phone to the child Instagram Facebook or any other social media we know below 18 years it's not allowed >> yes >> the child creates a fake account how from the mother's mobile or the father's mobile also sometimes why are we
(38:40) encouraging that and you tell me one good reason why should they be on social media. >> It's absolutely not necessary. That's all. See the more than that you set up a library in your house physical library and people will tell today paper we are not using social we can use e libraries everything at least train the children when you use a e library in a computer how do you filter what is necessary what is not even to send a child on the road primary level we tell walk to your left look at the zebra crossing look to your
(39:07) right and left and then so many instructions we give about road safety what about cyber safety we just leave them to the world they get into all unwanted Once they get spoiled, when they get worried, then they sit and cry. >> Then off late there are so many children influencers. The children are all the time on media and they're like, "Yeah, we we want to become an influencer.
(39:30) " >> Okay, ma'am. What is the percentage? That's what is happening. No, with limited percent what is available. We are spoiling so much. No, correct. Now there are many achievers also right now. Indian cricket team has won women's team. >> Women's team. >> Did we take our children to the airport? Whoever is whichever airport they're coming appreciate them, garland them, talk to them and your birthday amount whatever you have collected donate it.
(39:52) There are people who are not affordable right? >> Yeah. >> Why that is not happening? See there is good and bad both but bad attracts a lot. Good never attracts unfortunately. So we think that bad is only what is existing. It's not like that. I'm not telling that being into the social media or anything is at a right age for the right reason.
(40:15) Everything is not apt for everybody. Imagine madam 1 and a half year old child sitting in a hotel looking only at the mobile. Mother is dumping just food into the that child doesn't know what he or she is eating. You take out the mobile the child will scream on the top of the voice. Yes. And father will tell what happened. I was on my WhatsApp.
(40:36) And do we have a filter for ourselves? There are certain children who are getting into bad thoughts because parents mobile has unwanted stuff from their mobiles. This is practically which we have experienced in many places also which when we meet they share unwanted things were sent to children because their father's mobile or mother's mobile had all that. Yes.
(40:58) The other day, I think it was on the paper that a child uh ended up putting um USB in the laptop and the child screened it on on the screen. It was a pornographic picture. Go to see the child's elder brother did not give her the the pen drive when he was home. So, he snuck the pen drive and the teacher said, "Okay, just watch.
(41:21) " Probably thinking it's anything related to >> Who will you blame for this? everything today or yesterday or even when we were kids there had bad and good and positive bad both but who will help the child to filter all this only the parents no >> but of late the parents are so busy with >> for whom you tell me for whom they are busy you are giving birth to one child and that one child you're not taking care what will you do with the money what you are busy doing what at what cost and people literally I request the
(41:51) parents even this two children are mandatory they need siblings. They need someone to share. Even if you have 10 cr property, if you have 2 crores a month also, you'll tell I'm not settled. That is the greediness what we have today. But human connects are more than money. What we are what after you the child will be left alone on this earth.
(42:15) >> The child will have friends. >> How long friends? Can you call one good friend of your child to come when your child is in crisis? Your child is absent for four days to school. Which child will give the book sharing during exams for your child to copy? Nothing better than blood relation. >> But blood relation brothers fight so much. Sisters fight.
(42:36) Even if I have a blood relation, how do I know that they are going to have a good relationship in the future? >> They fight end of the day there will be one corner of the mind somewhere they will come back. That is minimal percentage which has happened. I hope you have watched son of Satya Morti movie.
(42:51) In that both brothers fight like cats and dogs but when the instance come when the villain tells that I was about to kill your brother what happened the entire story turned things will be there good and bad both but what is a percentage >> so don't you think it's being trying to be more optimistic that if I have two children they're going to have amazing relationship with them >> you are optimistic every day you are planning for tomorrow because you know guaranteed you're going to live if you were pessimist that you will die today why will you plan for the future when
(43:17) you can be optimistic there what is wrong in being optimistic [snorts] here this at least if you're optimistic you'll bring up both your children and like that that they don't fight no >> true >> how many of us feel happy when we tell that we are going to our mother's place I'm going to play with my brother my sister is going to come my sister's children are going to come and imagine your child telling no I don't have anybody I will go with my friend >> as working parents today and being so busy with their day-to-day life do you
(43:43) think being emotionally available for your child is become a luxury It is bare minimum mandatory. You should be available. That is the only comfort zone for the child. That's why I said parenting is a skill which cannot be read from books or taught by anybody. >> There are so many books on parenting. >> Yes, there are many books but which is applicable for you, you don't know.
(44:08) Right? >> Parents had no books on parenting. >> This is a kind of entrepreneurship what people have started. >> That's all it is. What is the need of a customer will become business of a entrepreneur. That's all correct. But very very good psychiatrist, psychologists and people have written fantastic books about parenting.
(44:28) No doubt in that because they are seeing today's children not being parented properly. They have sacrificed they have returned. Everything is done. But you cannot teach. No. So parenting cannot be taught. >> Parenting should be experienced. It's a very very precious moment what you should relish or what you should enjoy every time when you are with children.
(44:51) Parenting is really a boon. Parenting was natural right those days. >> Yes. >> Every married couple used to just like that conceive and then go ahead. True. >> Today is it happening? [snorts] More than maternity homes you'll see IVF centers. >> Absolutely. Because the so-called work stress by the time they get married is 30.
(45:12) Then they plan not to have children for 2 years. They use all kinds of contraceptives. By then the fertility is dropping. By 33 they will plan. Then there is a reverse effect of all this. They cannot conceive. They go for artificial kinds of conception. Then they are tired. They stop with one child or it is pet parenting today.
(45:31) >> Yes, pet parents. So unnaturally we are going into the techniques which should be natural. No ma'am. So don't you think we have to reook into everything sit and think are we doing right? But who is to say what is right and what is not. >> Our own self. It is self-realization. Only you can tell what you're doing is right or wrong. More expressive.
(45:54) Give that emotional security to your children that you are there for them always. Not the money security. He will learn a parent who is not confident on the child that they will live their life only will keep so much of money for them as insurance >> as insurance behind for the next generation that's what we keep hearing you know I'm earning it for the next generation >> this generation you're spoiling what will you do for the next generation >> there's a saying that when a billionaire he's a self-made billionaire his next
(46:27) two generations are not >> yes And then it skips two or three generations and there's a fourth or fifth generations who again becomes a self-believer. >> Why can't you break it down? Because it all goes down. >> Yeah, we should make it possible. We feel sad when children don't not wake up in the morning.
(46:46) They don't know to eat healthy food. Again drug control board nowadays lot of contaminated or the medicines which are all fraud they have released in that basic today everybody is suffering from vitamin D. >> Yeah. >> Okay. Vitamin D is also contaminated there. Right? Pandy for acidity. Acidity is a self-made because you are stressed only your body you don't eat on time it happens all these the only way to avoid all your health problems is be happy.
(47:12) I know you've told us that we have to be examples for our children that we are happy but I have so many things in my mind and how do I try and not push it on to my child? >> Okay you have suppose four stressful things in your mind. >> Okay. First you think out of these four which is a priority you prioritize them.
(47:34) So you have written 1 2 3 4. >> Now you start taking first problem does it have a solution? >> Yes or no? >> Yeah. >> Second problem does it have a solution? >> No. >> No. >> Third problem does it have a solution? >> No. >> Fourth. No. >> No. Now one. Yes it has. So why do you want to worry about it? Okay. >> Now rest three.
(47:57) You know there is no solution. Throw it out. Why do you want to worry about it? That's so easy when you say it. That's how life is actually easy ma'am. See, I am sitting with you and talking. I am celebrating this moment with you. I am not worried what's going to happen later because I don't have control on anything.
(48:13) I have only control on what I speak now in your presence. As I speak to you, if I think of too many things in my head, then there is lot of stress. Let us live in the present. Then you will be successful in everything what you do. That's more like telling the child to do what makes the child happy for the moment. >> No, no, no.
(48:38) Your goal is set >> backward you're working towards that. >> Okay. The goal is to create a good human being for the future who is productive, who is educated, who is disciplined, who is dignified. Correct. >> Right. >> Back end we are working towards that small steps what we go. So ma'am do you think we today's parents are much softer when compared to our parents who are much strict like as you said when we would come home there used to be only one dish or max two dish for me it used to be a luxury so one dish for dinner and that is it that's all all of us eat.
(49:19) But today the same parents who are grandparents. If the grandchild is not ready to eat the dish, the same grandparent is ready to get up and make another dish because they're scared of their children. What will they tell? Those days also [snorts] where grandparents used to make alternate.
(49:38) If you don't want white rice and sambar, they used to make chitranam or they used to make pulyogra something and give. They used to never order from sigy or z. Right. Today the parents shout at the grandparents also if they don't give proper things to them. >> But what do you say for those families wherein I have made certain rules? Let's say the simplest thing that my child cannot have sugar or anything with sugar beyond 4:00 p.m.
(50:03) >> Okay. >> And the child goes and cries and howls near the grandom and the grandmom quietly gives the child sweet and says don't go tell your mom. >> Correct. be before you take decision all the family members should sit and come to a conclusion mother-in-law of you right >> yes >> they will not harm your child if you're taking right decision right if they're not aware of it they'll think as a child only no >> they will see you in that child because they couldn't spend time with you because of their workload now because
(50:31) they are free they're seeing you in that child and doing it for you >> they're not spoiling your child yes see tomorrow you'll experience this when you get a grandchild you will see your daughter in your grandchild and you want to do everything what you could not do for your daughter. That's a very interesting perspective.
(50:49) I've never thought of it. >> That is the love of a grandparent because we see the grandparents spoil grandchildren so much. >> Never. Never. Grandparents are the ones who will help the child grow. Be transparent. Speak to the grandparent and tell my child this is the reason today dental care is or sugar levels are increasing the activity in the children.
(51:10) So today sugars are also not pure. For this this reason, I'm going to put it as a rule to my child. Do you think am I right or wrong? You give me your opinion. Once your mother understands that or your mother-in-law understands that, she will stand by you and even if the child goes and asks, she'll say no. Then the child will understand.
(51:27) It is entire decision of the family. So we have to speak and always grandparents or the foundations for the children. Never consider grandparents or spoiling children. very sorry to have that thought. Most of the parents that's that's exactly what they say that grandparents come and they spoil the children and they go.
(51:48) >> That is that is their perspective because they are incapable parents. They're thinking grandparents are spoiling. They will all realize one day when they become grandparents. >> The grandparents are there to love. >> Grandparents are the building blocks for the children. Nobody can replace grandparents. >> That's why they're called grandparents.
(52:07) No, I'm sure because when I was growing up, I lost both my set of grandparents at a very young age. I don't even remember them. But when I had my daughter, I was very sure I wanted my daughter to have the maintain the relationship with both the set of grandparents because I remember when I was young my friends used to say for summer vacations they are going to their grandmom's houses or for festivals everybody they're going to the grandparents houses.
(52:41) I don't even remember any of those things but now I was very particular that my daughter shares that special bond with >> that's a good decision >> both the set of parents >> she will enjoy that >> but sometimes that as you said you know as I was telling that fear is there because I have certain rules in my house when she goes there she knows she can just watch >> by your mother and father only yes >> they know better than you True.
(53:10) >> But they may not know the negative impact today's world what it is happening. >> Right? So it's not that the grandparents are spoiling them. >> Never they can spoil >> because the stories that your grandparents say like my daughter she remembers all these stories that her grandparents used to tell her. >> They are telling them because they didn't spend time with you.
(53:32) >> So that's where we have to take as parents. That is a fact because we in this busy thing we are not taking care of our children. Later when they get children we will be free. So we want to cherish every moment what we missed with our children we enjoy with our grandchildren. That is a cycle cycle of life.
(53:50) >> Yes. >> Um how do you think today's parents can raise emotionally very strong children in today's so-called tech world? any world ma'am you be strict you set rules you set regulations you make them understand make them sit with you and tell this is acceptable this is not acceptable this is right this is wrong this will take you to the right way this will not take you to the right way be transparent have a discussion ensure your child understands you thoroughly then it is possible have that connect very very strong bond between
(54:32) the parent and the child they will never go on a wrong track. Even anybody influences them because they don't want to hurt you. You're trusting them. Make them feel that you're trusting them the most. So that is required. Money will not give you all this. It is your time and love and care which will give all this.
(54:55) Ma'am, today drugs and wapes are so easily available for children. As parents, how do you think we can educate our child that though it is available, it's not something that you do and it is cool to do it? How do we try and explain our children? Ma'am, first of all, actually it is not accessible to children. It is accessible to them through some other adult only that we need to keep them away from. Number one.
(55:26) Number two, there are various sectors of parents who have their children into the same school. There might be a child who is coming from very affluent family. There might be a child who is from middle-class family. There might be a farmer child also. When a child is vaping or when child is carrying all these things, they would have carried home and kept in front of the parent also where the parent may not be aware of all these things because of ignorance and not having acquainted to they would have thought okay it's something you know
(55:52) which is there. My point here is we have to explain everything to the students at the right age. Now because of early menarchy children maturing very early the girls we have started educating in schools about what is manarchy, how to take care bad touch, good touch everything we started similarly and on school's behalf we should educate children how they should keep themselves away from all these things that as a responsibility we will do.
(56:22) But the parent also should take up responsibility of checking the child's bag every day. >> Every day you want parents to check the child's bag. >> One child, the school also can do it, right? >> Ma'am, thousands of students in the school. Not that we don't want to, we cannot do that. It's practically not possible.
(56:44) Imagine your child is coming from your house. Today evening the child comes back home. Okay? You check the back thoroughly. Next day morning when the child is leaving to school you check the back thoroughly once they board the bus there is no opportunity for them to get into any kind of thing >> right how can a school check thousands of students backs please tell me for a parent for to check one child's bag is difficult and you expect schools to check every child's bag but still all the schools have decided we should check the bags when the children are in the
(57:13) assembly or in the sports we are doing it but let us again remember it is equal responsibility of the school and the parent to take care of the children. It's easy to get into the blame game. You didn't take care. I didn't take care. But who is a loser? Finally, the future of this country. So, we have to educate them and tell them not to do all these things.
(57:36) It is sad that children are getting into all these things at a very very young age where they do not know anything about it also. So but half of the parents themselves don't know how these looks like I do not know what all are different drugs available out there. How do I get educated? Don't you think the school has to educate me as a parent that look these are what or this is how a wape looks and these other drugs >> you mean to tell school knows everything.
(58:04) >> School also do not know everything. What we can do is since we have school counselors like that we can take care of any agency like how we are doing this uh gender education as I told you sex education to the gynecologist we call them and we do >> probably the schools can initiate calling the parents and educating them about all these things >> but what a session for >> yeah but what will be the turnout of parents will all the parents come when we call them will the parents take it in a positive way we are ready to do madam
(58:32) we are always there any education institution you take across under the sky. Nobody has any bad intentions. We are all working for the future of this country or the world only. But that support system should be there between the parent and the school. So we can work together. If any parent is aware of it, a parent, there might be a parent who is a counselor.
(58:55) There might be a parent who works in drug control authority. You can support the institutions tell them I will come forward. or if there is a parent who lost a child because of this reason they can come forward and go to every institution and educate them there's nothing wrong it's a collaborative approach no it was very interesting ma'am having you today do you have any last words of wisdom I would say I'm sorry if I become very emotional because when it comes to children any educational institution or any principal director or the school owner first we
(59:28) are also parents >> we also have our children So no institution or no teacher will think about anything bad towards any child. So my only request to all the parents is let us work together in collaboration. Let us understand each other thoroughly. You come and understand the school and don't expect wonders to happen.
(59:49) Today like window shopping, school shopping has become too much where one year in the school nothing happened. Second year in the other school, third year in the other school. No, >> give time for the child to understand the environment. Give the school to understand your time of I mean your child also.
(1:00:07) Let them work together and everything is possible. Trust me, the child will grow very naturally. But have trust and go forward. >> Namaskarum ma'am. Thank you so much.