The Toxic Pattern I Never Admitted (Even as a Counselor)

The Toxic Pattern I Never Admitted (Even as a Counselor)

Author Name:Kris Reece | Unshaken

Youtube Channel Url:https://www.youtube.com/@KrisReeceUnshaken

Youtube Video URL:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyLm8WYmw9g



Transcript:
(00:04) [sighs] >> Can I be really honest with you today? Not teacher Chris, not counselor Chris, just me. Because we need to talk. I've been carrying something for a long time and I think it's time I put it down. Right here with you. I've been surrounded by some of the most toxic, dysfunctional, manipulative dynamics that you can imagine.
(00:34) Extended family, blended family, my own marriage. And for years, longer than I want to admit, I pretended that everything was fine. And I called it faith. I protected people and I called it love. I made excuses for people and I called it peacemaking. I carried burdens that weren't mine and I called it caring. And I did it all with a smile on my face and a scripture on my lips.
(01:06) But inside, I was anxious, angry, and constantly stressed. My health was taking a massive turn for the worse. My weight was climbing, my hormones were all over the place. And if I got 4 hours of sleep straight, I would have considered that a miracle. And I had sought one doctor after another and all they kept telling me was, "You're fine.
(01:37) You just need a vacation." There was more to this than a cabana on the beach could ever fix. But one thing was true, is that I had become so desensitized to stress, that if I wasn't in distress, I actually considered it normal. And that's when I realized that what was happening on the inside of me was it was a culmination of years of what was happening on the outside.
(02:14) Primarily all the toxic relationships that surrounded me day after day, my body was simply screaming what my mind just I guess couldn't process. Now, don't get me wrong. I I realized that there was something severely off with these people. And I couldn't just put my finger on it. I didn't have a label I I I name a diagnosis, but much like my health issue, I knew that this was a problem.
(02:46) And this is where it all got distorted. I thought it was my job to love, to fix, to endure, to excuse. But there was also another side of me that that just could not rest in the nonsense. So, I'd call it out. In some of the most unhealthy ways imaginable. I'd be embarrassed if you knew. But I told myself that it was my job to love these people into wholeness, to protect them from their own consequences, to to be patient enough, gracious enough, godly enough to show them what they were doing was wrong. So, they'd change and then we
(03:31) could finally have the healthy relationship that they so claimed they wanted with me. And I would repeat myself endlessly. I would explain myself endlessly until they finally saw what I saw. I thought that if I just did it enough that they would see how much I cared and they'd want to change. Isn't that what a good Christian does? I mean, good Christians don't give up on someone.
(04:04) Except nobody was doing that for me. And the version of myself that I was becoming in the process, she scared me. And here's what I've never told you before. I've spent years helping you spot toxic people, helping you name the manipulation, identifying the wolves, protecting yourself from the people causing you so much pain.
(04:32) And I meant every word of it. But what I haven't told you is that I had to do that work on myself first. Not because I was the toxic one in every room I walked into, but because surviving toxic people for long enough without help, without truth, without real boundaries will turn you into someone you don't like.
(05:01) And I didn't like myself anymore. I didn't even recognize myself anymore. I hated what I saw in the mirror. I hated what they were doing, but now I hated myself even more for how I reacted because [snorts] it was always this vicious cycle. My reaction to their selfish, manipulative behavior now became the problem.
(05:26) So, all eyes were now on me as these people would now play the victim. And unfortunately, I didn't handle that well, either. And I remember I remember one morning that I was sitting in prayer, just just me and God, and I was confessing the night before and what I had found myself repenting for really just stopped me cold. I was I was asking God to forgive me for needing space from these people.
(06:10) Not for how I handle it, which let's be honest, that was not my finest moments. I had pushed myself past my limit silently hoping that someone would notice and when they didn't, I got with drawing and I got resentful. I got avoidant. Yeah, that part. That one was worth confessing. But I wasn't just confessing that.
(06:39) I was repenting for having the need in the first place. And something in me just stopped. Because here I was before God treating a a basic human need like it was a sign that something was wrong with me. I treated this basic human need for peace as a sin. And that's when it hit me. Just how distorted things in my life had become.
(07:21) Not just in how I was reacting, but in what I had come to believe about myself. That my needs were the problem. That wanting space, wanting rest, wanting to not carry every ounce of their junk, that those things needed to be confessed. That was the moment that I had realized something was seriously off. Not just with them, but with me. Now, I used to think I was just a good person.
(07:58) And genuinely, I believed it about myself. I was the one people called when everything fell apart, the one who showed up, the one who knew what to say, how to say it, what to do, what scripture to apply, what step to take next. And I got to be honest with you, I loved that role. Or at least I thought I did. And I remember sitting across from someone in my life who was struggling with yet another issue, and before they even finished their sentence, I already had the answer.
(08:31) I already had the solution, the scripture, the next three steps. So, I gave it to them. Even though they didn't ask for it. I did it with my husband. I did it with people I loved. I walked into sit away situations where that [snorts] had nothing to do with me and made myself the manager of all outcomes that were absolutely none of my business.
(08:58) And I genuinely believed that I was helping. But what I was actually saying without words was I don't trust you to figure this out. Your struggle makes me uncomfortable to watch. It's easier for me to fix you than to sit with you. That's not rescue. That's control disguised as care. I would pour everything I had into this person.
(09:30) More energy than they were willing to put into their own life. More faith for their future than they had for themselves. More tears over their situation than they they could ever cry, and then I called it love. I called it what God put me here to do. But one day I remember this moment clearly. God had asked me a question I wasn't ready for.
(09:58) He said, "Why do you really do this?" And I started to answer the way I always do. Well, because I care, because they need help. They need my help, but God wouldn't let me stop there. >> [sighs] >> Because the truth the real truth I had never admitted out loud was that I didn't just want to help them. I needed to help them.
(10:26) Because I was the one who brought them to the light. I was the one who figured it out. When I was the one who swooped in and fixed what nobody else could. I felt something that I never felt in my life. I felt needed. I felt wanted. But that turned to pride? Maybe. Purpose? Definitely. Worth? Absolutely. And that was the confession that brought me to my knees.
(11:12) Because it meant that my helping wasn't really helping them. It really wasn't about them at all. It was about me. And underneath all of that helping and fixing and rescuing was something that I was even more embarrassed of. I was angry, exhausted, quietly, privately, resentful. And that's when God showed me what was really going on.
(11:49) Because I was doing more for these people than they were willing to do for themselves. I was carrying the weight of their bad decisions, carrying the consequences of their laziness, carrying the responsibility for the behavior that was never mine to carry. And every time I tried to put it down, every time I got close to saying "Enough.
(12:14) " There it was. The phone call, the guilt trip, the tears, the "I don't know what to do without you." And just like that, I would swoop back in and pick it all back up again. That's not caring. That's carrying. And when God finally got my attention, I won't lie to you, it was humbling in a way that I was not prepared for.
(12:48) Because I had spent so long being the one with the answers that having God show me my own blind spots felt like the floor just dropped out from under me. But here's what I know now that I didn't know then. That was the most loving thing that God ever did for me. Now, you might be wondering at this point, "Where is this going?" I need you to hear something really clearly.
(13:18) Recognizing my own patterns did not make anyone else's behavior okay, not even a little bit. Your growth does not excuse their abuse. Your reaction does not justify their actions. But what it did do was free me from the the part that I was playing in my own pain. And I want that [clears throat] freedom for you because here's the truth that I've learned the hard way.
(13:48) You can be a genuine victim and still have patterns that keep you in the fire longer than you need to be. Both things can be true at the same time. And the moment that you're you're willing to hold both of those truths that's that's the moment that something shifts. And I know you might still be deep in it, still surviving. I get it.
(14:15) I really do. But I want to ask you the question that changed everything for me. Not what did they do to me? But rather what patterns did I bring to the table? And what patterns kept me there? This is not to blame. This That's not blame. That's That's not minimizing your pain. This is the most courageous question you will ever ask yourself and it's the question this entire channel is built around.
(14:54) Now I'm not going to pretend at this point that my life is some perfect fairy tale. Broken, dysfunctional people still show up frequently. But here's what's different now. I don't feel responsible for rescuing them anymore. I don't spend 3 days recovering from a 3-minute conversation. I don't explain, defend, or justify myself just to be understood.
(15:19) I simply live my life for the good of others and the glory of God. And that is more than enough for me. And I believe with everything in me, that's exactly where you're headed. So, I'm going to be brutally honest with you. On this channel, I'm coming for you. Not to tear you down, but to challenge you in the places that are comfortable to ignore, to walk alongside of you, firm hand, friendly heart, from victim to victor.
(15:55) To dare you to rise above the toxic drama and step into a destiny that my friend, I promise you, you cannot see from where you're standing right now, but it is there. Exceedingly, abundantly, more than you could ever ask, hope, or think. And my other channel isn't going anywhere. We're still going to talk about their toxicity and exactly what to do about it, but this channel, this This is for you, my friend.
(16:24) So, are you ready to walk this journey with me? I want you to go ahead and be sure to click the subscribe button. And I've also created something very special just for you, just on this channel. It is my no regret response guide. And this is absolutely free to you. And I wanted this to be your go-to resource for those moments when you feel caught off guard, and you don't know what to say, but then you replay it for hours.
(17:00) My friend, I made this just for you. I want to thank you for hearing my heart. And I want to thank you for walking this journey with me. I'll see you in the next one.