Where Do You Go When You Don’t Feel At Home Anywhere? | Sneha Satheendran

Where Do You Go When You Don’t Feel At Home Anywhere? | Sneha Satheendran

Author Name:NeoYug

Youtube Channel Url:https://www.youtube.com/@neoyugofficial

Youtube Video URL:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XE5v2en7XYk



Transcript:
(00:00) I was always [music] a lost child waiting to find home. Always not belonging anywhere. It almost felt like I'm wearing someone [music] else's skin and I wanted to shed that but I could not. And at 23 when my parents decided [music] to break the news to me my initial response was rage, betrayal, 23 years of un-belonging, seeking answers, misfit.
(00:30) [music] And the hardest part Natasha was playing the role of a therapist during [music] this time. Sometimes you're not meant to know the answers because the answer is supposed to come from within. [music] Sneha was fine. Sneha was a therapist. Sneha is earning good money. Sneha [music] is fine. Vasantha is raging raging to come out.
(00:55) She is in pain. She is angry at me because I [music] never looked at her. This is the first time I'm actually sharing my real name with another [music] human soul. >> So did Connie so did you or did it break you open? >> Break me open in 100 different parts. >> [laughter] >> The home is not this city. The home is not this relationship.
(01:16) The The home is not this company. The home is somewhere else. Yeah. It's truly within. >> Make your own home. >> How [snorts] is magic occurring in the life of Sneha now after this entire journey? >> All right, welcome Sneha. >> Thank you so much. >> You know, I have to tell you first of all that it's been a pleasure you know, recording this entire program with you honestly.
(01:43) You know, as we were recording this whole thing finding your way back home. >> Yeah. >> You know, it was such a powerful conversation because as somebody who's dealt with so much abandonment issues all her life. >> Yeah. >> Um I I know that for for a fact that not just for me, but a lot of us in the team, you know, we had so much powerful experience going through this.
(02:07) And your teachings are so potent. Your medicine is so potent that it has been our immense joy to do this program with you. >> Thank you so much, Natasha. It's been revelation to be here, and I'm so [music] grateful I'm here in presence with this with this work that we're doing. Thank you for having me. >> Well, Sneha, um you come from 11 years of, you know, whole experience of working with clients, you know, from a psychological angle part of it.
(02:38) Um you've helped many kind of overcome their inner challenges, you know, you have all sort of people that you end up working with, right? >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Um my biggest question to you is that you have a such a powerful story. You know, there is a When we first talked, I remember, you know, having that dialogue and you were so open and vulnerable by sharing that.
(02:58) And you know, I we're always looking for that What made this person, you know, serve this? Right. Serve this medicine. And they say a medicine arises from our greatest wounding. >> Mhm. >> And I would really like to talk about that. What makes you talk about what you talk about in the world? Wow. >> I don't think anyone has asked me this in the manner that you just did, which is beautiful.
(03:24) Um I talk about the story. I talk about my beginning because I believe it's a powerful source um to go back and create anything you want. Because when my story began, it was always about seeking outside. It was always about finding something in the external world. And while the creator, the divine, kept nudging me that is not the way, but I was a stubborn child who never listened, and I went on a quest to find this answer outside, and I was hell-bent that I will find it outside.
(04:08) But, to my surprise and awakening, it was nowhere to be found, and that journey for me was so such an eye-opener because I was always lost. I was always a lost child waiting to find home. Um a lost child just running about the ground, not knowing where to go. Always not belonging anywhere. It almost felt like I'm wearing someone else's skin onto me.
(04:42) And and I wanted to shed that skin. I wanted to remove that layer of clothing, but I could not. So, this journey made me realize that it is not the clothing. It is me. It is my truth that I have to accept, that I have to honor more than anything because there was a reason this story existed.
(05:12) There's a reason this story happened to me. >> Sneha, I mean, it's um you know, a lot of us deal with abandonment wounds in our own right. Um I remember when I was, you know, in my teenager years, my mom told me that she was about to abort me when I was in her, you know, womb. And a teenager self was, you know, my teenager self, you know, I had to go through mix of emotions with that whole feeling.
(05:46) >> Yeah. And that piece of information made me feel a certain way. You know, it made me feel and I know this is a story of many, many women. >> Yeah. >> Especially in India wherein if you're a girl child >> Mhm. >> You know. There is a either you get >> Um >> you know, you have a very different fate. >> Correct. >> And when we grow up and when we become women, when we enter womanhood it acts out in such weird ways.
(06:14) >> Such conscious and subconscious >> conscious ways and abandonment wounds. It shows up in our work, it shows up in our relationships. >> Yeah. >> It shows up in a relationship with her own self. >> Mhm. >> And I know your journey is arising from that. >> Mhm. >> Would you like to talk about it? >> Yes. And I resonate with it so much because I'll go back to the beginning.
(06:36) I'll go back to the time when I was in the womb. >> Yeah. >> And I realized this reality much, much later that when I was in my biological mother's womb I sensed discomfort. >> Mhm. >> I sensed lack of safety. I sensed unwantedness. That I wasn't planned. [music] That I wasn't there by joy. That I wasn't a choice two people made.
(07:10) >> Yeah. >> And then when I entered the world um my biological mother kept me with her for about two months. Um and then gave me up for adoption. So, four months I was at the orphanage. >> Yeah. >> And I was taken care of by a lady at the orphanage. And at the fourth month of me being at the orphanage, I was about six months old baby by now.
(07:39) Uh December 25th, my parents adopted me. and >> I was welcomed [music] home. And just talking about these 6 months as a baby, every learning for me was cellular. And as a 6-month baby till I got to know I was adopted, which was the age of 23. >> Wow. >> From that baby to the 23-year-old self, I had everything. I had love.
(08:10) There was They were caring parents, loving parents, over pampering as well at times, and giving, forgiving, everything. It was fine. And yet yet I felt I am not chosen. I am not a part of this. I don't belong here. [music] Something is off. It's almost like a feeling when you have something stuck in your tooth, but you can't pinpoint what that is.
(08:41) You keep searching, but you can't reach there. It was that feeling for 23 years. And 23 years of un-belonging, seeking answers, misfit, um wondering what is that feeling that can make me feel like home, because I I was sitting in home in my literal world with my parents, with my cousins, family members. This is my address. This is my home. These are my people.
(09:11) That's what I believed. But my skin did not believe it. My inner child, my subconscious, did not believe it. It kept poking, kept challenging. No, no, something is off. No, no, something is off. Now, until 23, I'm challenging it. Because reality doesn't support it. Reality is like everything is fine. And at 23, when my parents decided to break the news to me.
(09:38) >> Yeah. >> My initial response was rage. >> Wow. >> Betrayal. >> Towards Towards your parents? >> Towards my parents. >> Wow. >> Towards my parents. One, why did you tell me this in the first place? Why did you tell me this? >> Wow. Yeah. >> Even though I was seeking answers, I was comfortable. I'm like, "Okay.
(10:00) " And then when they told me, I was like, "Why? Why did you tell me this now? There was What is the relevance?" >> Yeah. >> And their explanation was um that what if you found out by some relative? Or we wanted a point where you're completely matured to take this healthily, take this positively. Understandably so.
(10:19) But for me it was irrelevant. >> Mhm. >> It was the breakage of all that I was. Because the personality has developed by now. And to being asked to recreate that. My first response was why? Not okay, I have an answer. >> Yeah. >> It was why? There was rage, there was anger. Also gratitude. >> Yeah. >> And gratitude that I had to show because they adopted.
(10:53) While I'm also raging at them. >> Yeah. >> While I'm also angry at them. This manifold of emotions, betrayal. Also anger towards my biological parents, mother. More than the father, the mother. Why did you abandon? >> Mhm. >> I would have been okay living in a slum with you. >> Mhm. >> But you chose to leave.
(11:18) That is a bigger wound. >> Yeah. >> Um all of these explanations that the mind is grappling through. And it continued for years. The rage continued for years. I I tried to find out also about my birth parents. >> Another layer of anger that my current parents did not keep any information about the birth parents. Um anger about that.
(11:46) And it's a plethora of emotions on the table. And I don't know what to do with it. Should I sit with them? Should I push them out? Should I suppress [music] them? Go about with my life? And the hardest part, Natasha, was playing the role of a therapist during this time. >> Wow. >> [laughter] >> I didn't know how to do that.
(12:12) It was I had just started working. >> [music] >> I had just started working at around 23. I was at my second organization after this. Um and next day I had to go to work. Meet clients. And I felt for the first time I felt I can't do this. While psychology is and will be my love, but that day, for [music] a few months rather, I felt I can't do this job anymore.
(12:43) Because I am not okay. I am feeling all messed up. It's not right and justified for me to sit on that chair. I took a break. And I started traveling for a bit. I went to Madurai, that's where I was born. It was written in the adoption paper. And that's how everything started clicking.
(13:07) As a child, Natasha, I would randomly play Tamil music. Just like that. I would just like it even if it's playing. I'll be like, "Oh, nice. It is nice." Um I would love Tamil Nadu sambar more than other >> [laughter] >> I would You know, these things which never It did not make sense, but now it made sense. >> Yeah. >> Um why I quickly became so fluent in Tamil.
(13:34) >> Mhm. >> I thought maybe I'm just talented, [music] but it was the blood. >> Yeah. >> Um and then there was so many questions. Okay, what if I have a sibling? What if What if they are out there? What if we can connect? What if I can find them? What if they both are alive? >> Yeah. >> And then began another new journey of now finding finding them.
(13:59) >> It's like, you know, you 23 years of living a total lie. >> Yes. >> You know? >> Yes. >> I mean our whole identity is It starts from the family. It starts from the lineage. It starts from the culture we come from, right? And suddenly that is shaken. >> Yeah. >> And then you're like, what do I do with this? >> Yeah.
(14:21) >> Like it's abandonment wounding ex thousand percent, right? >> From two angles. Like it's at at the lineage abandonment and the family and the parental abandonment. >> Yes. >> But also I I I understand the journey to finding you know what we talked about, finding your home within. >> Yeah. >> Has to come through this whole chaotic energy that is just pushed outside.
(14:49) >> Yes. [music] >> Wherein you said you went to, you know, look out for your >> Yes. >> You know? >> biological parents. >> Yes. >> You started looking for your siblings. >> Mhm. >> How cathartic was that experience for you? >> Oh my god, it is I remember landing in Madurai >> Yeah. >> and I took a bus from Bangalore.
(15:09) I reached there. And and it's my first time in Madurai. I've never Why will I even think of it otherwise as well? Um and even when my uh parents showed me the paper, until then I didn't believe it. I thought they're cracking a joke. >> Wow. >> And um it wasn't a great start to how they revealed the information [music] because um probably they didn't know.
(15:37) My mother was crying, worried I will leave her. >> Wow. >> And my father was asking, "Have you handled cases like this?" >> Wow. >> And then breaking it to me. So, I'm like, "What?" Um I genuinely for the first 10 minutes thought, "This is a joke, and now we all will laugh together." >> Yeah. >> about it. Um And um while all that happened when I landed in Madurai, the first feeling was, "This is not new.
(16:12) I have been here." >> Yeah. >> And that feeling got escalated when I visited the Meenakshi Amman Temple. I am Okay. It [laughter] is a tourist place as well. People from all places come there to visit. And I'm like, "That is the first place I want to go because I have some complaints >> Yeah. >> that I would like to address.
(16:33) " And um I had a friend who was also with me. He was showing me around. He was from Madurai. >> [snorts] >> And you will not believe this. I don't know um how many people will believe this, but the person who helped me, his name and my name in the adoption paper is the same. >> Wow. >> There's only one letter difference.
(17:02) That's it. >> Wow. >> Yeah. I am Vasantha. The guy who was helping me was Vasanth. And he took me around. He said, "Okay, this is the temple." Because I'm new to the place and uh he was showing me around and I entered the temple and I just knew my mother had to be there. In that moment, the feeling that okay, she's from Madras, she would have come to the temple, she would have visited, she would have prayed, something.
(17:34) And I kept walking, I kept walking. I remember that day I kept I walked so much in the temple, my knees hurt because every corner I am searching, okay, maybe maybe something, maybe something, some something, some maybe something, something might crop up. Something. I did not tell my parents I'm going. But I just spent until the temple was open.
(18:01) And I just sat there. And I knew this is it. Nothing else is going to happen from here. I'm not going to get to know my birth parents. I still hunted though. I still had the papers with me. I went to that address. That orphanage got shut down. >> That's another story. >> Oh. >> It's a crazy one. >> Yeah, that got shut down.
(18:27) Nothing is available. The person who was helping me, the friend, he also tried asking. It's almost like the universe does not want me to find the [music] answer. And then another layer of rage came. Then why did you give me this information if you didn't want me to find? Why? It could have been a happy secret for all of us.
(18:50) I would have carried on with my life, no? That. But um later we get to know that needed [music] to happen. But in that moment I kept seeking, seeking, seeking. Seeking home. I distanced, mentally distanced myself from my parents because I'm grateful for the life I'm living. It's a good life. I'm grateful, but a part of me was like, where is mine? It's not mine. This is not mine.
(19:25) >> Wow. >> They chose me. They didn't create me. And in hindsight, what they did is much more powerful. >> Yeah. >> But in that moment, as the 23-year-old, 24, 25, and it went on for few years, that journey was excruciatingly painful, because every day now, Natasha, I was questioning. I was questioning everything.
(19:53) >> Yeah. >> I used to believe I look this way because my mother looks this way. And now I'm like, I don't know. Questioning everything. >> Yeah. >> And the lie. And the lie for all these years. I remember asking, um, you know, as a baby, when as a toddler, when you turn on the bed, and then you get up on your own >> Yeah.
(20:21) >> for for the first time when a baby does that. I asked my mother, and uh she gave some answer. And now I I felt why? It was all a lie. >> Yeah. >> You didn't know how I turned as a toddler. The lady in the orphanage will. >> Mhm. >> You did. >> Yeah. >> So these layers of anger towards everything. >> Yeah. >> Towards God.
(20:49) >> Yeah. >> [music] >> Towards myself. What's going on? >> It's such a powerful, um, first of all, thank you for being so vulnerable and, you know, just sharing that. And I know so many would resonate with that feeling of that your whole reality being shaken up in a sudden moment, right? And it's a wound that so many of us carry.
(21:10) >> Yeah. >> Of core abandonment. Why me? What was my fault in this whole process, right? And unfortunately, some of us stay in the resentment mode for years because that story has become our reality to a full extent and we can't get over it. Right? And that's where we've also kind of been talking about this whole program because you've been able to do that for yourself so beautifully that now you finally say that the home is not an external thing, it's an internal thing.
(21:44) And I have to find that internally and I know so many people who are watching this right now. Would want to know how do we deal with that core abandonment issue and transmute that rage into something much, much more potent and powerful. Which you have done so beautifully and so gracefully.
(22:05) You know, I know the journey not have >> [laughter] >> it's not easy. I know it has not been easy, but let's look at this from a more psychological lens. You being a psychologist yourself, right? [laughter] I mean, your dad asked you that question that have you dealt with, you know, cases like this? >> Yes, yes. >> Let me ask you, how did [laughter] you deal with this from a psychological lens, you know? >> Yes, yes.
(22:27) So, you know, from a psychological lens, there is a very nice explanation for this. So, Carl Jung brought about this concept called individuation. Which means you integrate everything that [music] is happening within. The good parts, the bad parts, and you cannot escape either. So, in that moment somehow this truly helped that I have to integrate both.
(22:58) Yes, there are nice parts, good parts of my life, and now here comes the worst, worst kind of a demon I could ever ask for, anyone could ever ask for, any 23-year-old could ever ask for. And now it's sitting every day. And I tried to push it out. I tried to deny. I tried to even live in denial. I tried to tell my parents, "No, you have gotten fake documents. No, I don't believe this.
(23:25) You guys are still doing a prank. Why did you tell me this? Is this real?" etc. etc. Uh so there was denial for the longest of time. And then this theory from a psychological lens had to be brought out because I felt there is no other option. Because it was years of misery. And one day I snapped. I said, "No. I will not live like this.
(23:53) I will not live like this." And I believe it is not just me. For me, somehow it during that time stories of Krishna, stories of Radha, Sita, Ma Parvati, they all started coming. And somehow um I think it was the universe sending some message where none of these um women knew where they came from. I mean, there was a source, but not the biological parents.
(24:32) One came from the mountains, one came from the river, one came from here, one came from there. And that integration that I had to do with this concept needed that. Needed a new twist that, "You know what? Maybe maybe um you're not supposed to know. Maybe that is supposed to do something. Maybe something will come out of this.
(24:59) >> Yeah. >> So, under the practice of integration uh from Carl Jung, I moved to Carl Rogers. >> [laughter] >> And now Rogers talks about acceptance, true acceptance in grace >> Yeah. >> with everything. >> Yeah. >> With everything. It's a very humanistic approach. So, you humanize everything. You humanize the trauma.
(25:23) >> Mhm. >> You humanize the pain. And I was able to do that for my parents. Humanize them. >> Yeah. >> That helped. That second step helped. Even the current parents um And I looked at them that okay, maybe they did not take that information because their parenting would have affected. >> Mhm. >> And this did not come to me.
(25:49) I met uh someone who was also adopted and I explained, you know, I have this anger. I'm so, you know, angry at them. They they should have at least got some news, some information. And then he just responded, "But what if it affected their parenthood and they didn't want that?" >> Yeah. >> And that sort of dissolved a lot of things.
(26:13) So, humanizing even my biological parents. >> Yeah. >> Maybe it was a young girl not ready. Maybe it was young girl not wanting it. That's okay. >> Yeah. >> That's okay. Uh maybe it's an absent father. So, all of these under the aspect of humanizing, we create relationality also. We create that okay, maybe these aspects >> Yeah. >> weren't there.
(26:42) So, all these concepts soothed me. >> Mhm. >> They did not heal me. Soothed me. Okay. >> Yeah. >> Okay. A little cushioning >> Mhm. >> came that okay, take it. Some cushioning to this chaos that I was going through. >> You know, the way I've been like you very beautifully said in the conversation we had previous to this is that sometimes you're not meant to know the answers because the answer is supposed to come from within and that's very important.
(27:10) >> Yes. Yes. >> You know, you're supposed to create your own answer. >> Yes. >> And I know of so many people when we're dealing with abandonment issues, right? >> Mhm. >> Even though we start kind of soothing it out, the the [clears throat] residue comes out. >> Mhm. >> Yeah. >> In in every shape form of our life, you know? >> Yes.
(27:34) >> It just filters out and in sometimes in really ugly ways. You know? So, while you psychology helped you soothe, >> Mhm. >> what transmuted it fully >> Ah, [sighs and gasps] let me take a deep breath >> [laughter] >> before I answer that. Um >> Cuz I believe psychology is good. >> Yeah. >> It's my personal belief.
(28:01) Anyone can disagree with me. I mean, you're a psychologist yourself. I have a belief that psychology is a good soothing mechanism and a mechanism to understand things, our patterns, behaviors way better. >> Yeah. >> It helps us to get into a self-awareness state. >> Mhm. >> But there's something else that comes in that has to fully blow it out of the whole picture and >> [laughter and gasps] >> kill the story to create a new story.
(28:28) >> Yeah. Yeah. There were many killings. It took >> [laughter] >> It wasn't a one slash at all. It was it was a death by a thousand cuts. >> Oof. >> Mhm. Truly. Um I think the biggest anchor of these were the relationships. >> Yeah. >> The pattern of people I was meeting, the pattern of people I was dating, the pattern of people friendships I was having.
(28:59) And I used to wonder, why am I having these people in my life? Why am I attracting people I don't like? >> Yeah. >> I don't want to be with them, but I am with them. >> Mhm. >> I am hanging out with them. I am dating them. >> Yeah. >> Uh every dynamic is a trauma in itself. It's like a platter of different kinds of trauma.
(29:22) And in every um dynamic, there were parts and ways and the the behaviors of me that would come out which I hated. >> Mhm. >> I hated. I did not know what would happen to me. >> Yeah. >> And I realized in all those relationships, in all those dynamics, Vasantha was coming out. >> Mhm. >> Oof. Not Sneha. [music] >> Yeah.
(29:55) >> Sneha was fine. Sneha was a therapist. Sneha is earning good money, taking a living in Bangalore, Bombay, paying rent, eating good food, driving, having coffee. Sneha is fine. Vasantha is raging, raging to come out. She is aggressive. She is in pain. She is angry at me because I never looked at her. She would bring people who would hurt me.
(30:27) >> Yeah. >> And Vasantha was like people are not the problem. You are. You are not looking at me, how hurt I am. And this is the first time I'm actually sharing my real name with another human soul. And and I just intuitively felt like doing it because I just felt like and that part we say in psychology, we say inner child healing, inner child work.
(31:01) For me Vasanta was hungry. Hungry, craving. She was devoid devoid of everything. >> The most basic thing. >> Most basic thing, most basic thing. She was devoid devoid of mother's milk. She was devoid of mother's care. She was devoid of the first first few basic comfort >> Yeah. >> that a child >> Yeah. >> is supposed to get.
(31:38) And Vasanta kept screaming. The adult did not listen until she screamed so hard so hard that I collapsed. And when I say I collapsed, [music] there was this series of relationships and people >> Yeah. >> who had hurt me to a place beyond beyond pain. >> Mhm. >> And I used to wonder but and that the conflict would arise but I'm such a good human being, I'm a nice person.
(32:09) >> Yeah. >> Uh why are people hurting me or thinking about hurting me? >> Yeah. Um it's so easy to fall into the victim trap when you are in that, right? >> Yes. >> Like you're not like when we think about Vasanta >> Mhm. >> at the core she's this little girl who just needs the most basic thing. >> Yeah. >> But since she didn't get it, she's acting out.
(32:33) >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> And in many of our life in our patterns we witness that, right? At the core, our belief is we are good humans. We can't hurt somebody. Right? But victimhood is also a state. >> True. >> Everything is a two-way street in some form or the other. I mean, it's I'm not saying that if you're in a bad abusive relationship, it's your fault.
(32:59) But somewhere, we need to understand the role that we play in our own suffering, too. >> Exactly. >> And that's what I think that's what you talk about, the individuation and understanding and integration of that shadow, that inner child who's asking for attention. >> Yes. And it's very tricky to explain [music] this, especially to people, because my work is that the work is you walk around this life with the mirror facing the world.
(33:26) You have to turn it. >> Yeah. >> You have to turn it, and this needs to change, and the view will change. And and that itself is regulation. That is inner union. And that Vasantha in every relationship was asking for love, asking for attention, asking [music] for time, asking for space, be this way so I can feel this. >> Yeah.
(33:51) >> Act this way so I can be loved like this. Um perform this way so I can feel something. And I remember there would be these bouts of time where the adult self would feel so conflicted because the adult self is intelligent. >> Yeah. >> The adult self is regulated. She's fine. Adult self is uh is doing all right.
(34:15) But in moments of decision-making in moments of choosing >> Yeah. >> she arrived. And I would think, but why am I not taking care of my health? Why am I choosing an abusive partner? Why am I choosing somebody who's so misaligned? And I'm continuing to stay with them because there is comfort. Until I looked back at her.
(34:39) So, there was series of failures, series of losses. >> Yeah. >> And I realized I don't want to live like this anymore. Enough. Enough I have lived like this. >> Yeah. >> I have cried for hours in front in in my puja room. Like mujhe aise nahi jeena. I don't want to live like this. I am done. I am done. I remember uh before the deities appeared, just simply looking up to the sky and saying to the universe, I am done living the way I have lived.
(35:16) >> Yeah. >> I am ready. Walk me through fire. I will pay it. I will walk, but I will not repeat this. And I think with that declaration and that oath to myself, I think that was the first time Vasanta quieted down a little bit. A little bit. >> Yeah. >> And then from there it was going back to her for everything.
(35:47) And now together we dance. >> I mean, Sneha, it's um I know so many of us are resonating with it. Maybe not the exact story, but we have felt what you felt. [music] >> Yeah. >> And there is deep resonance that's happening right now. And you know what? Something that I truly love, and you talked about that in the program also, you know, finding the home within.
(36:10) >> Yes. >> Um you talked about something really beautiful that, you know, the process is not about healing. >> Mm. >> You know, we there there's this terminology that is going around, heal your inner child, heal this, heal that. But you differentiate it in a very interesting way. You say that it's not about healing, it's about remembrance.
(36:32) >> Yeah. >> When you say that, what do you mean? >> Yeah. Like it's remembrance. I'll start with something very controversial. >> [laughter] >> I believe, personally I believe, and as a therapist, uh this is going to sound a little contradicting, but I personally believe you don't fully, completely, magically heal from the traumas.
(37:00) >> Right. >> You learn to live with it. >> Yeah. >> You learn to manage it, you learn to regulate it. It does not touch you anymore. It's there. >> Yeah. >> It's just there. Um and it doesn't dictate you anymore. It doesn't um bother you anymore. And for me, that is the definition of healing.
(37:22) And in in the times that we live in, and even the clients who come, their expectation of healing is I don't want to feel this. >> Mhm. >> Take it out. >> Completely numb it out. Just remove this from my life. >> And I tell them the first step is to feel it. >> Yeah. Which is the tough one. >> [laughter] >> Right. And um because if if it doesn't start there, then it doesn't go anywhere.
(37:49) Then again, we are just simply suppressing. >> Yeah. >> So, this is my definition of healing, I feel. >> Now, when I speak about remembrance, every healing part has a need. There is a lack. >> Yeah. >> Right? Vasantha lacked love, basic care, need, basic protection. >> Yeah. >> Basic protection. >> Yeah. >> Uh basic hug, warmth.
(38:14) There was a lack. Her scream was the scream of lack. I lack all of this. >> Yeah. [music] >> Right? So, the journey becomes to provide. And then you provide all of these things. >> Yeah. >> How will you provide? When you remember her. So, it is to remember each lack within. Where is this behavior coming from? Where is this um wound coming from? Because wound in itself is coming from a place of something is lacking.
(38:46) >> Yeah. >> That's why it's a wound. Something is missing there. So, when we remember what is missing, we can fill it up. >> Yeah. >> We can fill that container. >> Yeah. >> So, for me, Vasanta lacked everything. So, I had to give her everything. >> Yeah. >> I believe I played the role of a parent way earlier than I have become one.
(39:09) >> To your own self. >> To my own self. And that [clears throat] remembrance has everything. You remember what you lack. >> You know, in the program you talk about something really beautiful, which I loved. Um there is this whole chapter on naming your emotions, right? And I remember we had a dialogue on that, that sometimes we are just feeling too many feelings and we are not even able to pinpoint that what exactly am I feeling.
(39:39) >> Yeah. >> Right? >> Yeah. >> And in that whole chapter you talked about that if you start naming your feelings, your emotions, >> Right. >> you can deal with those emotions in a much, much more better way. Right? And I found that to be so profound and beautiful. >> Mhm. >> Um and these are micro tools that you come back home to.
(40:00) I'm coming to something really interesting that caught our eye. >> The reason we wanted to create this program with you, because A, we believe in your medicine. >> Mhm. >> But what you've done is very radical and new. >> Mhm. >> You merge psychology with Shakti. >> Yeah. >> [laughter] >> Yes. >> Yeah, It's like a Shakti that is psychologist and you're merging these two realities together.
(40:24) >> Yeah. >> With your own medicine and bringing it out to the world and helping so many shape a different reality, right? >> Yeah. How did Shakti come into your life? >> Yeah. >> When did that happen? >> Again, I think I remembered her. This also is a gift by Vasantha. >> Oof. >> I also believe she kept banging the door >> Yeah.
(40:48) >> for all her needs. And it wasn't just to fulfill these needs. It was also to can you give me all of these so I can become what I need to be? Can you please do that? >> Yeah. >> So it was also a call a calling for her to rise more than me to rise. >> Yeah. >> And me beginning to speak about Shakti talking about it openly um was after I believe eligibility criteria fulfilled.
(41:21) >> And what is that? >> That was my Sadhana. >> Uh >> Uh and I feel it came during my Sadhana when I sat in my >> [snorts] >> Puja room >> Yeah. >> uh in Bangalore. And I was chanting the Lalita Sahasranama and in between that there was a voice. >> Yeah. >> Speak. Speak about me. >> Yeah. >> Speak [music] about me in the way you would.
(41:49) >> Yeah. >> Not preach. Not preach this prayer. Not preach that prayer. Not like speak in your language. >> Yeah. >> And I speak well in the language of psychology because I studied. So I'm like, "Okay. Can I can I can I bring them together?" >> Yeah. >> And that's how I started writing about it.
(42:14) So I feel it is not me, it is the permission granted and the eligibility criteria may be fulfilled little bit that allows me to speak about [music] this. And I and the kind of women who have entered my life after that, I am so grateful because all of them have this medicine. I haven't met one woman after this who isn't carrying magic. They're carrying magic.
(42:41) They're just not looking there. They're just not remembering it. And this is precisely what I talk in each session, each group session, each each offline session, e- everywhere I'm sitting, breathing that you are carrying it. You don't have to birth it. You have it. Bus they come. Just look at. >> You've so beautifully integrated all these shaktis and devis and we call it archetype in the program.
(43:10) And you know, we've talked about Parvati. You know, we've talked about Kali. We talked about Bhuvaneshwari. We talked about Lalita. We talked about all these four archetypes and deities. And every single time you're merging psychological understanding and that deity together and then we are on this holistic journey to coming back home.
(43:33) Right? I want to know what is the significance of Parvati in your life like that. In the journey like that for any woman for that matter of fact. >> Beautiful. [music] Beautiful. And you know, just to add to that even had psychology happening was a mistake. I was not planning it. My actual plan was to pursue English literature and go to maybe New York or or Yale and learn more about it.
(44:06) That was my plan. But psychology was another major I had to do. And the moment I started studying it was love at [music] first sight, I call it. And then I'm like, "Okay, there you go. My existence is now yours." So, that's how psychology happened. Now, today when I look back, I feel even that was written. The psych happening of psychology because otherwise I could not have blended this.
(44:35) Because talking about the archetypes alone anyone can do it. There are many amazing people doing it. There are books written on them. Now, the archetype of Ma Parvati holds so such such deep meaning to me because Ma Parvati creates everything she wants. >> Yeah. >> She does not ask. >> Self-sufficient. >> self-sufficient.
(45:03) She does not seek for anything in the outside world. >> Yeah. Not even from Shiva. >> Yeah. She doesn't ask. >> And it's it's a metaphor that I use. She manufactures her own needs. She does not seek them from the outside world. >> Yeah. >> And that's why she plays such a big role because I can create. We all can create love, abundance, money, prosperity, success.
(45:32) Everything we need on a human level, relationships, connections. We build. We don't ask. >> Yeah. >> And with that the magic is we are self-reliant. Especially as a woman. >> Beautiful. >> So, Ma Parvati helps with that. >> Beautiful. I mean, you you very beautifully and lovingly talk about her as the daughter of the mountains.
(45:54) >> Yeah. >> When you first said that, I was like, "Oh my god." This just the essence of the daughter of the mountains that it's so still in her own being. >> Yes. Yes. >> You know? >> She carries the essence of that stillness. That >> that subtle thumb reality. >> Yeah. >> That I can just be still and create my own reality around it.
(46:18) And I think finding home, that's what we're constructing that internally, right? It's a construction, internal construction. >> by brick. >> Brick by brick. Um and then we went on to talk about Kali also. >> [laughter] [gasps] >> You know, I feel like there is so much shakti that is rising globally. >> Yeah. >> Um there is conversation around all these archetypes and shaktis that's happening, right? I feel a lot of old goddesses are waking up in the world.
(46:46) >> Truly, truly. >> Um to somebody who is not comfortable with this language of deities >> Mhm. >> and goddesses or maybe is new to it. >> Right. >> Right. How would they perceive this? How can they How can they enter this world of >> Mhm. >> all of this? >> Yeah. So, something that I follow in each of my session is I tell them nothing about your work with me will be religious.
(47:17) >> Mhm. >> Nothing. Nothing about it. >> Yeah. >> I also only know about archetypes, deities from my experience. >> Yeah. >> I have not read into the Vedas. But I will tell you how she helped me. >> Yeah. >> And I hope that helps you, too. >> Yeah. >> What you can do to invite her essence >> Yeah. >> in behavior, >> Yeah.
(47:41) >> in everyday relationships, in how you're talking. And I I practice this. What would Kali Ma do in this situation? What would Kali do? Will she shrink? Will she apologize? Will she expand? >> Yeah. >> Right? What would she do? And that itself is the answer. It is so simple. And I always tell them, don't look at this that we are going to achieve something grandiose.
(48:08) >> Yeah. >> Nothing about inner work is grandiose. >> Mhm. >> It is all subtle, beneath the noises. >> Yeah. >> It is never a loud one. >> Yeah. >> So, even Ma Parvati, Ma Kali, we only want their essence >> Yeah. >> in today's time. And if we can just practice that, it's more than enough. >> It makes life simpler.
(48:33) So, did Kali soothe you or did it break you open? >> Break me open in 100 different parts. >> [laughter] >> Shattered me into um into what do I sprinkles and yeah, broke me in ways I did not know, but >> Yeah. >> um she was supposed to. I called her. Like, I you know, I'm ready. I'm ready for this new path. >> Yeah.
(49:00) >> So, the first step is the path will get cleared. >> Yeah. >> And I realized I was standing in my own way. >> Mhm. >> So, she broke me as well. >> Yeah. >> She broke me in so many ways that the path was now completely open. >> Yeah. >> She broke my limiting beliefs, fears, and all came up, all came came up front.
(49:25) um people >> Mhm. >> seven years, six years of people familiar, life around them gone. uh losses, deaths happened, gone. And all so fast, so fast. At at one point I felt I have to catch up. I have to catch up to everything that is going on, how much is happening. And then she's like, "Now we can begin." And I am drained, exhausted, almost like a dead body, like a corpse.
(50:06) >> Yeah. >> And I'm like, "Now I have to start?" [music] And then other deities eventually also helped with that, but Maa Kali took away everything. She's come so many times in my dreams guiding, telling, and she's a strict mother. >> [laughter] >> And I don't like strictness. >> Mhm. >> She's a strict mother, and if I would want something, she isn't saying, "No, later, or something better.
(50:39) " She's like, "No. I said no, no. >> Mhm. >> You're not having this, [music] no matter how much I tried." >> Yeah. >> And I have to honor it. Honor. >> You know, it's so interesting that, you know, they say that Kali enters your life when you yourself are ready to Either you're going to be open to the whole process of it, which also starts by in psychological terms, you know, completely facing your own shadows.
(51:05) >> Yeah. >> And looking at your own role that you're playing in your own suffering. >> Yes. >> It's way easier to sit and, you know, talk about that story over and over again and pointing out everything that's happening wrong in your life. That story. >> Yes. >> You know, >> Yes. >> I see so many I have done this.
(51:25) I've done this for years. >> Yeah. Yeah, me too. >> You know, until Kali said, "You know what? Shut up. >> Yeah. >> You shut up." >> [laughter] >> And I know so many of people that are watching this right now would resonate with it that there is a churning that is happening. >> Yeah. >> And we We about it.
(51:47) We're like, "This program is for those >> who are truly ready to build that home within." >> Exactly. >> Who are truly ready to sit and face the shadow. >> Correct. >> And not just do the nice little soothing bit. >> Yeah. Yeah, not at all. >> And it's not done in a very, you know, it's it's your grace and the beauty of the gift that you have that it's not done in a way that's let's just break everything down.
(52:11) You You've taught everything in such a graceful and beautiful ways through nice techniques, through certain breaking techniques too, by the >> [laughter] >> way. But very simple techniques that one can, you know, truly get on to this home with a mental state in a sadhana state and say, "You know what? I'm ready to look at that wound face to face.
(52:34) And I'm ready to work with it. And I know psychology is going to be there to help me. The tools are going to be there to help me. The grace of the mothers are going to be there to help me." >> Yes, truly. Truly. >> And I That's what I love about this whole process, right? And after that breaking >> Yeah. >> Bhuvaneshwari comes in.
(52:52) >> Oof. >> [laughter] >> Yes. Truly. >> How do you take that in? >> Because Yeah, because then you're broken. You're shattered. >> Yeah. >> And if someone has to literally imagine, um it's like someone with a full body fracture. And it is in the same context. The inner world is fractured. The The being is fractured.
(53:19) Everything is fractured. And you can't even rush it because it is >> [music] >> in its own process. And at that point, I needed love, care, to be held. Because Ma Kali came and helped me with the breaking of everything. [music] During the time with her, I remember she made me sit with each one of my fear. [music] Each one. Natasha, you will not believe I was Vasanta was even scared to be loved.
(53:50) >> Wow. >> She was scared. As much as she wanted it, she wanted that in abundance. >> Yeah. >> She was scared. That okay, if I even if it comes, will it stay? Or will it just come and go? >> And that acts out as a self-sabotage, by the way, in our >> True. >> 3D reality as grown-ups. >> Yes. >> That we self-sabotage any good thing that's happening for us.
(54:15) >> Correct. Correct. So true. Because when the good thing is arriving, you're like We don't know. >> [laughter] >> We don't know if we can handle it. What if What if Right? All the anxious thoughts [music] also come in, so um Uh so she made me Ma Kali made me sit with each one of these fears. And be like Sit with them. They will not win.
(54:42) They will not win. >> Yeah. >> I will not let them win. Because they're all so big in size. They're not small. They They scare you. And when you sit with them, you go like, I don't know if I can handle them. But the more you sit with them, their form changes. >> Mhm. >> They're each fears, their form changes. >> Yeah.
(55:02) >> And you're just wailing and crying and crying. And with Ma Bhuvaneshwari, it was more of feeling of held. Okay, there's this new garden now. Yeah, it's clean, it's clear, fine. Now we will plant little seeds. Where do we want to begin? My first response was I don't want to be scared of anything. Anything.
(55:28) Person, place, situation, circumstance, storms of life. Nothing. I don't want to be scared. >> Yeah. >> And from there, every step had to come in behavior also. >> Yeah. Because right now it's just here. I took a few decisions which I call them fearless. >> [laughter] >> That needed to be taken. Decisions that needed to be made. And I'm like because I want to experience the fearlessness.
(55:59) We can't only speak about it. So that comes in the actual life decisions every single day. >> It's like writing a new story finally, right? It's like after that destruction, what is the new story that I'm going to write myself? >> Correct. >> And you know my teacher says that we humans are the stories and we can never stop telling stories.
(56:30) >> Yes. >> But if you're going to tell stories, tell a better story. You know, tell a better one. >> Yeah. >> Construct a better one. >> Yeah. >> Build a better one from within and it would reflect in every area of your life. And it's not just soothing anymore. It's a construction of a a new reality of your being.
(56:53) Wherein Vasanta and Sneha are so beautifully integrated with each other that they that their their being becomes the essence of the deity herself. You know. We talked about all these three deities so far. You know, I have to give you a compliment first. Your grace reflects the grace of Lalita. It truly does. You know.
(57:23) And and I know we were talking about psychology and all of that, but you truly reflect You know. know? And who is Lalita? What does Lalita do to a woman when she is integrated? >> Yeah. >> When the Shiva and Shakti union has happened? When that individuation has happened? >> Yeah. >> How does that look like? >> Wholeness. Completeness.
(57:53) >> Yeah. >> Not needing anything from outside, even love. On a human level, we aspire for so many things. Which is fine. But I think now with that integration >> Yeah. >> I don't want. I create. I create that love, that opportunity, that care. >> Yeah. >> I create. And I think with me that integration has built a beautiful relationship with me and Vasanta.
(58:30) So, I have >> Mhm. >> my childhood photo of me um on my near my study table. >> Right. >> And every day there is a conversation happening with Vasanta. How are you doing today? How are you feeling? It's always a conversation with her. Now any decision I make, I check with her if she is okay with that. >> Wow. >> Um because her safety is non-negotiable.
(58:55) It's bigger than my own. >> Mhm. Wow. >> Because she needed that, so I will give her that. >> Yeah. >> And everything else comes after. >> Yeah. >> Comes after her. I have made her a promise. As long as I'm alive on this planet, she will always be kept first. Every person entering my life will honor her first. >> Yeah.
(59:24) Big one. Big one. >> Because nobody can love her the way I do now. Nobody. And um in honest, it sounds like I am doing in truth she has given me this. And Ma Lalita has played such a big role in this. Ma Lalita also um healed um she also worked through my self-worth. Because Vasanta had the issues of self-worth that okay, what is was there something missing because this happened.
(1:00:05) Ma Lalita took that away. I had image issues, body issues. And somehow I also had people who added to that. In fact, very recently there was a statement made by a gentleman about my body. That gentleman is and never will be part of my life anyway. And that's a response for Vasanta. That she will always be kept in areas that where she can feel safe, grow, and dance how she is.
(1:00:43) So and as a child that uh I mean we used to have house parties my dad would throw and the child part of me is dancing to Govinda songs and Salman Khan songs and so free. And me and her now do that together. This is Ma Lalita. The body issues, the shringar all of it is her. >> You know, it's like let's say Lalita, it's she's the playful one, right? >> Yes. Yes.
(1:01:15) >> And after all that drama of our life, of our reality >> Yeah. >> she comes in our life and she goes like you focus on me and I will take care of everything. >> Yes. >> You play. You go and play in the world. Now, the playing is not just literal playing. >> Correct. >> It's not just literal joy, but it reflects in the way we perceive this reality.
(1:01:40) >> Correct. >> We perceive our own wounds and stories, too. And and it's not soothing, also. It's like this deep inherent knowing that I am taken care >> Yes. Yes. Yes. >> I'm taken care of. I don't need any external validation. I don't need any external party. While having said that, you know, sometimes people misunderstand when women talk about it that I don't need that external validation party.
(1:02:06) Um they think that they've detached themselves so fully that they don't need anyone. We talked about it, also. That the conversation is not about that. The conversation is not being attached to it. >> Yeah. >> Exactly. Exactly. You know, the conversation is saying if you like how you very beautifully said that if you give honor to my Vasanta I will be fully there for you.
(1:02:38) >> Yes. Totally. Completely. >> You know, and that's the grace of the mother that you give out so manifold >> Yeah. >> that your cup is so full that you're giving out. >> Correct. >> And it doesn't get empty. >> Never. And and that's exactly um the conflict I've seen in people when we say uh or when I say I'm not seeking, rather creating >> Yeah.
(1:03:08) >> that does not mean um I'm I wouldn't want a few things. You know, that is not there. >> Desire is there. >> Yeah. Desire will always is desire. It should always be there. We are humans at the end of the day. And I would still love those things, but I'm not feeling deprived if it's not. I would love to be in union with someone, but I'm not feeling incomplete.
(1:03:40) Until it arrives. So I think that middle ground is what we are speaking about. >> So beautiful you know, it's like this whole program that has been developed. It has taken through a four-part journey, you know, from literally looking at and sitting with the wounding and the mirror to finally building a new reality all together and done in the most subtle way.
(1:04:09) You know, that's what I love about your medicine that it's done in a more subtle way that it's easy to follow along. It's It's uncomfortable at times. There's no denial. No part of remembrance is free you know, roses and petals and clouds and unicorns. >> [laughter] >> It is supposed to be messy. It is a messy process. Remembrance is also a messy process.
(1:04:38) But if you allow yourself to be open to that process, magic can happen. Magic can occur. How is magic occurring in your life now? >> Wow. >> How is magic occurring in the life of Sneha now after this entire journey? >> The recent one has been meeting you. That itself is magic. >> [laughter] >> I feel I think every single day now I wake up in fullness.
(1:05:06) I don't need anything. And when I say that, I mean my energy is more focused on what I can create, what I can build for myself, the legacy, the work, me. Uh my presence, how can I uh how can I shine it more? How can I bring in acceleration to it so it can fulfill my dharma, fulfill [music] the work that I do? Um the being that I am, how can I extend myself to fully to the reason I'm here, fully to the potential.
(1:05:46) And I have opened up myself vastly to experiences. I'm like allow This is my Lalita. Allow whatever has to come, let it come. Now I look at experience like oh okay, okay, all right, okay. >> [laughter] >> Now it's not any any more fear, no more questioning, no more why this, why that, uh no, this, this, this.
(1:06:10) There are multifold of emotions that arise. Even rage on some days, even grief on some days. But I know I'm not sitting with it alone anymore. And now there is a team that handles it. >> Yes. >> That handles it because now it's me and Vasanta together. And then all of this. So now, earlier rather, I would look at a storm or a conflict or pain and like I have to deal with this, I have to handle this.
(1:06:46) And now it's like let's sit. What are we doing? How beautiful is that? How beautiful [laughter] you know, it's like the divine grace is that. It's even beyond how we talk about deity now. In a rosy beautiful way, but it's like the the life doesn't shift. I mean the problems will never die down. >> Yeah. >> The wound will not be fully healed.
(1:07:15) >> Correct. >> Ever. >> Yeah. >> But we'll learn to dance around it. >> Yeah. >> By the end of it. >> Truly. Truly. >> Ah, Sneha, it's been such a beautiful conversation with you on this flight. >> I love it. >> Um and I know how beautifully this whole program has come to be. It's for anyone, man or woman, any age, >> Yeah.
(1:07:39) >> any background, >> Yeah. >> that is willing to look at that wound. The abandonment wound. >> Correct. >> The wound of never being able to find home. Like I always used to say, you know what? I don't feel home in any city. >> I always used to say, where my home is? Where is my home? >> Yeah. >> You know, I And then you look for homes in people.
(1:08:02) >> Yeah. >> You look for homes in situations. >> Yeah. >> In my case, I look for home in the companies that I built. >> Right. Right. Yeah. >> And Kali had told me that >> You have to let that go also because that's neti neti. >> Right. Right. >> The home is not even this. The home is not even that. >> Yeah. Wow.
(1:08:23) >> It was Home is not this country. The home is not this city. The home is not this relationship. The The home is not this company. The home is not this idea you think of yourself is. >> Mhm. >> Home is somewhere else. >> Yeah. >> It's truly within. >> Truly. Truly. >> And it feels right in the body because Well, if you are here, you know, like there's so many people who watch this and like I used to think >> Yeah.
(1:08:55) >> Will I ever feel that? >> Mhm. Mhm. >> Cuz when you're in the thick and thin of it, when you're in the muck, >> Yeah. >> there's no hope. >> Yeah. >> It truly truly feels like that. But you are a testimony of it. >> Yeah. >> That there is hope to get out of that mental state and transmute the story for yourself.
(1:09:20) Truly, completely, truly. What is your message to anyone who's watching this that's trying to find that hope? >> A very beautiful learning, a message that came to me through someone as well. The message to anyone watching this [music] is the universe, God, energy, deities, whoever they believe in. The universe and I promise you I'm saying this with every being of myself.
(1:09:58) The universe trusts you enough to create your own [music] reality. >> Yeah. >> Wow. It trusts you enough to build what you want. It trusts you enough to create a new story. Because as humans, we complain. >> Yeah. >> I complained to the universe, "Why did this happen? Why did I even get this information? Why? Why? Why?" >> Yeah.
(1:10:26) >> And there was this one magical moment during my sadhana, the universe, the deity then telling, "Because we trusted you. We are in you. We are not sitting up there, you know, dictating. >> [laughter] >> You and I are one. >> Yeah. >> So we trust you enough to create your story. Go make." So anyone watching this, create your own. Anything you want.
(1:10:59) >> Mhm. Beautiful. Make your [snorts] own home. >> Make your own home, Heather. >> Wow. Wow. >> Ah, it's it's been such a heart-warming conversation. >> Truly. Thank you so much, Sneha. >> And I know the program has come out so so beautiful and it's I was there for the the shoot and it was I remember it was just bringing out medicine after medicine.
(1:11:29) >> And I know that it's going to help so many out there. It's going to help so many do that. So thank you for sharing your medicine, Sneha. Thank you for sharing your story and being so vulnerable and open to share that. You know, it's like our greatest wound is our greatest medicine. >> Truly. Ah. Truly. Truly.
(1:11:53) Everything everything I feel is a way of the creation of that medicine. This way. Every experience. Everything. But thank you for having me and for me to even open about this this part of me so well. Open about my real name for the first time. [music] >> She's very happy, by the way. >> I love the name. I love [laughter] the It's such a beautiful name.
(1:12:21) >> Yeah. >> It's such a beautiful name. >> Yeah. And she and me both are very happy and thank you for having me. >> Thank you so much, Sneha. Thank you so much for doing this with us. I know this is going to reach many and the right people who need to hear this conversation right now. So thank you so much for doing this.
(1:12:42) Thank you.