90% of Modern Relationships Are Doomed to Fail
Author Name:Vaishnavi Menon
Youtube Channel Url:https://www.youtube.com/@vaishhmenon
Youtube Video URL:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjrKO43EpU0
Title: 90% of Modern Relationships Are Doomed to Fail
Author Name: Vaishnavi Menon
Description: Apply & fill the form to get coached by me:
https://2g84tu.share-eu1.hsforms.com/...
Check out my courses below:
https://www.vaishnavimenon.com/courses
Connect with me on Instagram:
/ vaishnaviimenon
Disclaimer: Everything I share here is based on my training in NLP, hypnotherapy, and my own lived healing journey. I am not a licensed psychologist or medical professional. The content and consultations I offer are not a substitute for therapy, diagnosis, or medical treatment. This is not therapy, it is conscious coaching rooted in trauma-informed principles. If you are experiencing severe mental health challenges, please seek support from a licensed mental health professional. By booking a consultation, you acknowledge that you understand this is a coaching session, not therapy or medical advice, and that you are solely responsible for your personal decisions, actions, and outcomes.
Transcript:
(00:00) I'm going to say something very traumatic. That is 90% of the modern relationships are doomed to fail. And this is not because love does not exist. This is not because there are no good men or women out there. But this is because most people are entering relationship with absolutely no idea how to sustain one.
(00:21) We have become incredibly good at finding people. Also, there is an illusion of option because of social media and because of dating apps as well. People know how to flirt. People know how to get the connection started but nobody has the education on how to actually sustain a long-term relationship and what some good relationship practices are and that is exactly something that I am going to speak about in today's video.
(00:45) So if you're new here I'm Vnavi and I'm a relationship coach and this is a place where we talk everything related to dating issues, relationship issues, attachment styles, even your traumas and abandonment as well. Now, if you want to get coached by me, you can apply to work with me using the link in the description box below.
(01:03) I'm going to go through the answers that you have filled in the application form and reach out to you to actually create a personalized coaching methodology for you. Besides this, if you want something more self-paced, which you want to do it by yourself, you can also check out the courses that I've created. You'll find the link to my courses which will help you to build your masculine energy and confidence as well as get rid of your nice guy habit as well in the description box below.
(01:31) So without any further ado, let's get into this video. So one thing I really want you to understand is attraction gets you into the relationship but attraction does not help you to sustain a long-term relationship. And the first problem in modern society is everyone is addicted to chemistry over safety. Everyone wants to chase that feeling of butterfly, wants to chase that excitement.
(01:58) Everyone likes being in the honeymoon phase. But nobody likes actually dealing with the relational problem that actually arises with period of time. And this is inevitable because when two people with different kind of belief system and values come in together, there is obviously going to be some clash between these two people.
(02:19) But we haven't been taught the relational skills which are important to actually navigate these difference of opinion even within the relationship as well. So today people are in the habit of asking oh do I feel attracted to this person? Do I feel a sense of chemistry? But nobody ever asks the question, "Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Are we truly compatible in a way that can help this relationship last long term?" Nobody even thinks about how this person will behave when they're angry.
(02:51) Nobody asks the question, "How will this person deal with my boundaries?" Because chemistry is one of the easiest things to find. But emotional maturity in a relationship and the ability to choose emotionally mature partner and also becoming one is quite rare. And sometimes what people call chemistry is actually familiarity.
(03:13) Familiarity that they have towards their relational patterns. An emotionally unavailable person can feel very exciting. A toxic relationship can feel very exhausting but also feels very addictive at the same time. The person who makes you feel anxious constantly sometimes feels so magnetic and you start thinking if I really want this person so bad that means they are of high value but sometimes the chemistry that you're experiencing and the excitement that you're experiencing is actually just your nervous system
(03:48) getting activated because your nervous system is subconsciously able to detect the familiarity which you are actually just comfortable with Your familiar patterns can be chasing unavailable people, chasing people who play the games of push and pull, chasing people who are not choosing you or even giving you emotional safety.
(04:10) And then 6 months later, you are wondering what happened to the person I fell in love with. Nothing happened to them. It's just that the honeymoon phase ended and the real relational wounds and triggers of both of you have started acting up in the relationship. Which brings me to the next point. Why relationships are doomed to fail? We expect our partner to heal our childhood wounds subconsciously.
(04:35) If you have been abandoned constantly or if you have faced emotional neglect in your childhood somewhere you kind of create the fantasy in your head that once I find my partner, once I find the one, I'm finally [clears throat] going to feel loved. But that desire that you have is coming from an unmet need and it's coming from an emotional wound that you are carrying inside you.
(04:59) And people are entering relationships expecting their partners to actually heal the wounds they haven't even created in the very first place. And most of you do not do any inner work. Most of you are in the business of just chasing people. Most of you are in the business of actually just reading books and getting knowledge.
(05:19) But there's no somatic change. This is why you might know everything about attachment styles, but you are not able to still change your patterns at the root. And if someone has abandonment wounds, anytime their partner wants space, you start panicking. You are not able to deal with the idea of they can even require space to even regulate themselves.
(05:42) If someone has betrayal wound, they're constantly operating from a place of suspicion and lack of trust in the relationship where they're constantly expecting their partner to even cheat. And if someone grew up thinking love has to be earned, this is where you end up becoming people pleaser.
(05:59) You have anxious attachment, you become an overgiver in the relationship. And the ideal reality is that two adults enter the relationship. But sometimes it becomes a relationship between four people which includes two adults and two wounded kids inside them. And putting that expectation on your partner that their love is going to heal you and fill the void inside you is too much of a burden to actually place on someone else.
(06:25) It is your responsibility to heal your childhood traumas and your childhood wounds. And when these cycles are continuing, every argument becomes bigger than the argument itself. You're not just fighting over a delay in the message, but you are fighting about every previous time in your life where you felt ignored.
(06:43) Not necessarily by your partner, but everyone around you. Sometimes you're not only fighting about you feeling insecure and jealous, but you're actually fighting about the betrayal someone else did to you. And a younger part inside you is terrified of being left alone, which is why you start becoming so reactive even in the relationship.
(07:02) But unless and until you do not heal the wounds created by other people, you're going to bleed them onto your relationship as well and onto your partner as well. And maybe you actually have a very good partner in your life, but you are in the process of subconscious self-sabotage because you truly do not feel worthy of safe love even though you consciously seek it.
(07:24) The third problem is that people confuse compatibility with attraction. Lot of you love the idea of getting attracted to someone. A lot of you love the idea that you are attracted to this specific person in your life. But this attraction takes your logical mind out of the picture and you never evaluate or assess the compatibility between the two of you.
(07:48) Two people who are in different circumstances can absolutely get attracted to each other. But let's say they're not compatible. Their values are not compatible. And because you feel a sense of attraction, you kind of start chasing this person, force the relationship. When the foundation of the relationship which is supposed to be the compatibility in itself is broken.
(08:07) And once the honeymoon phase fades away, both of your belief systems, values, and what you represent, they are going to clash each other. And when this clash is happening because of lack of compatibility, the attraction just eventually leaves the door because you don't have a sense of mental peace in the relationship too.
(08:27) You can be incredibly attracted to someone who is absolutely wrong for your life. You guys can laugh over so many things but still have opposing beliefs about what a marriage should represent. You guys might be bonding at a great level, but there might not be any geographical compatibility between where you guys can even live together.
(08:49) And before entering a serious relationship, you need to ask each other questions as to what a relationship represents to each other, what marriage represents to each other. How do they handle money? How do you handle money? Where do you want to eventually live? What are their dreams and goals? Is that compatible with you? How do they handle conflict? Do they even want children? How do you even view things like money, religion, family values? What your expectations are of each other? But somehow people are very hesitant to have these difficult
(09:20) conversations because they think having these difficult conversations means inevitable end to the relationship where someone or the other is going to get triggered. But eventually if you are bypassing this step these problems are going to come much later on in the relationship when you are kneede in love with this person and eventually maybe this lack of compatibility in itself will break the relationship.
(09:46) The next point is that people have no conflict skills at all. In fact, everyone in today's day and age, they're scared of conflicts. Nobody wants to fight with each other. But please understand that even in a healthy relationship conflicts are inevitable. The difference between a healthy relationship and a toxic relationship is in a healthy dynamic two people can have conflicts differences and mutually find a way to come into the middle ground and ensure that they are getting over their differences where both parties end up happy with the
(10:18) mutual agreement. But in a toxic relationship you guys are never able to see eye to eye and you guys are never able to find solution to the problems and the conflict that you are facing. And when the fights are not getting resolved eventually one or both partners are going to build and have resentment towards each other.
(10:39) And once resentment and contempt enters the relationship that is going to be the slow death of the relationship. So most relationships are actually not destroyed by conflict or the disagreement itself. It's destroyed by how people behave when the conflict is flaring up. The lack of emotional regulation, shouting, insulting your partner, showing contempt towards them, showing disgust towards them just because one or the other person's needs are not being met.
(11:08) And then there's humiliation, character attacks, stonewalling, punishing someone emotionally and actually trying to win your side instead of actually seeing how both of you can win the argument together as well. And sometimes people say, "But we love each other." But love does not mean that you will automatically end up having the relational skills to sustain a long-term relationship as well.
(11:33) And another major reason that the relationship fails is that people start losing themselves in a long-term relationship. In the beginning, you might have been confident. You had your own passion, your hobbies, you did things for yourself. But once you get into the relationship, you actually forget to do these things for yourself.
(11:52) As much as you need to have quality time with your partner, you also need to have your own individuality and space in the relationship. And this also means you need to select a partner who is going to respect that about you. And you should also be someone who is willing to give your partner the space to be their own individual selves.
(12:12) Because when you are thriving in your individual life, when being in a relationship with someone and when you're growing as a person while you're being in the relationship, this is where you start appreciating and you start loving the person in front of you even more. But if you are in a connection with someone who is actually making you a version of yourself that you hate because of the stress and because of the unresolved fights constantly because of them putting you down again and again and them chipping away your selfworth and confidence,
(12:41) you're going to end up hating yourself and also this other person as well. And eventually that means the relationship is going to end. And in today's day and time, everyone is avoidant when it comes to dealing with the real relationship problems, doing the hard work to actually bridge the gap between two individual people.
(13:01) That inevitably has to happen in a long-term connection. Everyone wants loyalty. Everyone wants love but nobody is willing to have the difficult conversation with their partner to actually ensure that there is vulnerability in the relationship because vulnerability eventually leads to emotional intimacy and everyone wants a soulmate but nobody's willing to ask do I have the relational skills required to actually maintain a long-term relationship and if you are someone whose self-worth self-love is actually also being a block when it comes to you
(13:34) attracting ing a healthy partner. You can also apply to work with me. You can apply using the application form in the description box below and fill out what are the challenges that you are actually facing in your relationship as well. And once I go through your application, I will reach out to you.
(13:51) We'll hop on a call and we'll actually discuss about what are the actual problems that you are facing in your life so that I can create a personalized coaching plan just for you. So, I hope this episode was helpful and I'll see you guys in the next
Author Name:Vaishnavi Menon
Youtube Channel Url:https://www.youtube.com/@vaishhmenon
Youtube Video URL:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjrKO43EpU0
Title: 90% of Modern Relationships Are Doomed to Fail
Author Name: Vaishnavi Menon
Description: Apply & fill the form to get coached by me:
https://2g84tu.share-eu1.hsforms.com/...
Check out my courses below:
https://www.vaishnavimenon.com/courses
Connect with me on Instagram:
/ vaishnaviimenon
Disclaimer: Everything I share here is based on my training in NLP, hypnotherapy, and my own lived healing journey. I am not a licensed psychologist or medical professional. The content and consultations I offer are not a substitute for therapy, diagnosis, or medical treatment. This is not therapy, it is conscious coaching rooted in trauma-informed principles. If you are experiencing severe mental health challenges, please seek support from a licensed mental health professional. By booking a consultation, you acknowledge that you understand this is a coaching session, not therapy or medical advice, and that you are solely responsible for your personal decisions, actions, and outcomes.
Transcript:
(00:00) I'm going to say something very traumatic. That is 90% of the modern relationships are doomed to fail. And this is not because love does not exist. This is not because there are no good men or women out there. But this is because most people are entering relationship with absolutely no idea how to sustain one.
(00:21) We have become incredibly good at finding people. Also, there is an illusion of option because of social media and because of dating apps as well. People know how to flirt. People know how to get the connection started but nobody has the education on how to actually sustain a long-term relationship and what some good relationship practices are and that is exactly something that I am going to speak about in today's video.
(00:45) So if you're new here I'm Vnavi and I'm a relationship coach and this is a place where we talk everything related to dating issues, relationship issues, attachment styles, even your traumas and abandonment as well. Now, if you want to get coached by me, you can apply to work with me using the link in the description box below.
(01:03) I'm going to go through the answers that you have filled in the application form and reach out to you to actually create a personalized coaching methodology for you. Besides this, if you want something more self-paced, which you want to do it by yourself, you can also check out the courses that I've created. You'll find the link to my courses which will help you to build your masculine energy and confidence as well as get rid of your nice guy habit as well in the description box below.
(01:31) So without any further ado, let's get into this video. So one thing I really want you to understand is attraction gets you into the relationship but attraction does not help you to sustain a long-term relationship. And the first problem in modern society is everyone is addicted to chemistry over safety. Everyone wants to chase that feeling of butterfly, wants to chase that excitement.
(01:58) Everyone likes being in the honeymoon phase. But nobody likes actually dealing with the relational problem that actually arises with period of time. And this is inevitable because when two people with different kind of belief system and values come in together, there is obviously going to be some clash between these two people.
(02:19) But we haven't been taught the relational skills which are important to actually navigate these difference of opinion even within the relationship as well. So today people are in the habit of asking oh do I feel attracted to this person? Do I feel a sense of chemistry? But nobody ever asks the question, "Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Are we truly compatible in a way that can help this relationship last long term?" Nobody even thinks about how this person will behave when they're angry.
(02:51) Nobody asks the question, "How will this person deal with my boundaries?" Because chemistry is one of the easiest things to find. But emotional maturity in a relationship and the ability to choose emotionally mature partner and also becoming one is quite rare. And sometimes what people call chemistry is actually familiarity.
(03:13) Familiarity that they have towards their relational patterns. An emotionally unavailable person can feel very exciting. A toxic relationship can feel very exhausting but also feels very addictive at the same time. The person who makes you feel anxious constantly sometimes feels so magnetic and you start thinking if I really want this person so bad that means they are of high value but sometimes the chemistry that you're experiencing and the excitement that you're experiencing is actually just your nervous system
(03:48) getting activated because your nervous system is subconsciously able to detect the familiarity which you are actually just comfortable with Your familiar patterns can be chasing unavailable people, chasing people who play the games of push and pull, chasing people who are not choosing you or even giving you emotional safety.
(04:10) And then 6 months later, you are wondering what happened to the person I fell in love with. Nothing happened to them. It's just that the honeymoon phase ended and the real relational wounds and triggers of both of you have started acting up in the relationship. Which brings me to the next point. Why relationships are doomed to fail? We expect our partner to heal our childhood wounds subconsciously.
(04:35) If you have been abandoned constantly or if you have faced emotional neglect in your childhood somewhere you kind of create the fantasy in your head that once I find my partner, once I find the one, I'm finally [clears throat] going to feel loved. But that desire that you have is coming from an unmet need and it's coming from an emotional wound that you are carrying inside you.
(04:59) And people are entering relationships expecting their partners to actually heal the wounds they haven't even created in the very first place. And most of you do not do any inner work. Most of you are in the business of just chasing people. Most of you are in the business of actually just reading books and getting knowledge.
(05:19) But there's no somatic change. This is why you might know everything about attachment styles, but you are not able to still change your patterns at the root. And if someone has abandonment wounds, anytime their partner wants space, you start panicking. You are not able to deal with the idea of they can even require space to even regulate themselves.
(05:42) If someone has betrayal wound, they're constantly operating from a place of suspicion and lack of trust in the relationship where they're constantly expecting their partner to even cheat. And if someone grew up thinking love has to be earned, this is where you end up becoming people pleaser.
(05:59) You have anxious attachment, you become an overgiver in the relationship. And the ideal reality is that two adults enter the relationship. But sometimes it becomes a relationship between four people which includes two adults and two wounded kids inside them. And putting that expectation on your partner that their love is going to heal you and fill the void inside you is too much of a burden to actually place on someone else.
(06:25) It is your responsibility to heal your childhood traumas and your childhood wounds. And when these cycles are continuing, every argument becomes bigger than the argument itself. You're not just fighting over a delay in the message, but you are fighting about every previous time in your life where you felt ignored.
(06:43) Not necessarily by your partner, but everyone around you. Sometimes you're not only fighting about you feeling insecure and jealous, but you're actually fighting about the betrayal someone else did to you. And a younger part inside you is terrified of being left alone, which is why you start becoming so reactive even in the relationship.
(07:02) But unless and until you do not heal the wounds created by other people, you're going to bleed them onto your relationship as well and onto your partner as well. And maybe you actually have a very good partner in your life, but you are in the process of subconscious self-sabotage because you truly do not feel worthy of safe love even though you consciously seek it.
(07:24) The third problem is that people confuse compatibility with attraction. Lot of you love the idea of getting attracted to someone. A lot of you love the idea that you are attracted to this specific person in your life. But this attraction takes your logical mind out of the picture and you never evaluate or assess the compatibility between the two of you.
(07:48) Two people who are in different circumstances can absolutely get attracted to each other. But let's say they're not compatible. Their values are not compatible. And because you feel a sense of attraction, you kind of start chasing this person, force the relationship. When the foundation of the relationship which is supposed to be the compatibility in itself is broken.
(08:07) And once the honeymoon phase fades away, both of your belief systems, values, and what you represent, they are going to clash each other. And when this clash is happening because of lack of compatibility, the attraction just eventually leaves the door because you don't have a sense of mental peace in the relationship too.
(08:27) You can be incredibly attracted to someone who is absolutely wrong for your life. You guys can laugh over so many things but still have opposing beliefs about what a marriage should represent. You guys might be bonding at a great level, but there might not be any geographical compatibility between where you guys can even live together.
(08:49) And before entering a serious relationship, you need to ask each other questions as to what a relationship represents to each other, what marriage represents to each other. How do they handle money? How do you handle money? Where do you want to eventually live? What are their dreams and goals? Is that compatible with you? How do they handle conflict? Do they even want children? How do you even view things like money, religion, family values? What your expectations are of each other? But somehow people are very hesitant to have these difficult
(09:20) conversations because they think having these difficult conversations means inevitable end to the relationship where someone or the other is going to get triggered. But eventually if you are bypassing this step these problems are going to come much later on in the relationship when you are kneede in love with this person and eventually maybe this lack of compatibility in itself will break the relationship.
(09:46) The next point is that people have no conflict skills at all. In fact, everyone in today's day and age, they're scared of conflicts. Nobody wants to fight with each other. But please understand that even in a healthy relationship conflicts are inevitable. The difference between a healthy relationship and a toxic relationship is in a healthy dynamic two people can have conflicts differences and mutually find a way to come into the middle ground and ensure that they are getting over their differences where both parties end up happy with the
(10:18) mutual agreement. But in a toxic relationship you guys are never able to see eye to eye and you guys are never able to find solution to the problems and the conflict that you are facing. And when the fights are not getting resolved eventually one or both partners are going to build and have resentment towards each other.
(10:39) And once resentment and contempt enters the relationship that is going to be the slow death of the relationship. So most relationships are actually not destroyed by conflict or the disagreement itself. It's destroyed by how people behave when the conflict is flaring up. The lack of emotional regulation, shouting, insulting your partner, showing contempt towards them, showing disgust towards them just because one or the other person's needs are not being met.
(11:08) And then there's humiliation, character attacks, stonewalling, punishing someone emotionally and actually trying to win your side instead of actually seeing how both of you can win the argument together as well. And sometimes people say, "But we love each other." But love does not mean that you will automatically end up having the relational skills to sustain a long-term relationship as well.
(11:33) And another major reason that the relationship fails is that people start losing themselves in a long-term relationship. In the beginning, you might have been confident. You had your own passion, your hobbies, you did things for yourself. But once you get into the relationship, you actually forget to do these things for yourself.
(11:52) As much as you need to have quality time with your partner, you also need to have your own individuality and space in the relationship. And this also means you need to select a partner who is going to respect that about you. And you should also be someone who is willing to give your partner the space to be their own individual selves.
(12:12) Because when you are thriving in your individual life, when being in a relationship with someone and when you're growing as a person while you're being in the relationship, this is where you start appreciating and you start loving the person in front of you even more. But if you are in a connection with someone who is actually making you a version of yourself that you hate because of the stress and because of the unresolved fights constantly because of them putting you down again and again and them chipping away your selfworth and confidence,
(12:41) you're going to end up hating yourself and also this other person as well. And eventually that means the relationship is going to end. And in today's day and time, everyone is avoidant when it comes to dealing with the real relationship problems, doing the hard work to actually bridge the gap between two individual people.
(13:01) That inevitably has to happen in a long-term connection. Everyone wants loyalty. Everyone wants love but nobody is willing to have the difficult conversation with their partner to actually ensure that there is vulnerability in the relationship because vulnerability eventually leads to emotional intimacy and everyone wants a soulmate but nobody's willing to ask do I have the relational skills required to actually maintain a long-term relationship and if you are someone whose self-worth self-love is actually also being a block when it comes to you
(13:34) attracting ing a healthy partner. You can also apply to work with me. You can apply using the application form in the description box below and fill out what are the challenges that you are actually facing in your relationship as well. And once I go through your application, I will reach out to you.
(13:51) We'll hop on a call and we'll actually discuss about what are the actual problems that you are facing in your life so that I can create a personalized coaching plan just for you. So, I hope this episode was helpful and I'll see you guys in the next
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