Author Name:Ryan Fernando
Youtube Channel Url:https://www.youtube.com/@celebritynutritionistryan
Youtube Video URL:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvVWGw3jIwE
ఈ పోడ్కాస్ట్లో Seema Anand చెప్పిన ముఖ్యమైన విషయాలు (key takeaways) తెలుగులో ఇలా:
### ముఖ్యమైన పాయింట్లు
- **సెక్స్ సింపుల్ కాదు – ఇది “వర్క్”**
సెక్స్ అనేది సహజంగా జరిగేది కాదు; దానిలో కమ్యూనికేషన్, అర్థం చేసుకోవడం, శ్రద్ధ—all అవసరం.
- **సెక్స్యువల్ వెల్నెస్ = మొత్తం ఆరోగ్యానికి భాగం**
ప్రాచీన భారత సిద్ధాంతాల ప్రకారం జీవితం మూడు పిలర్స్ మీద ఉంటుంది:
- ధర్మ (సామాజిక జీవితం)
- అర్థ (ఆర్థిక జీవితం)
- కామ (భావోద్వేగ/సెక్స్యువల్ వెల్బీయింగ్)
ఇవన్నీ సమానంగా ముఖ్యం.
- **కామసూత్రం గురించి నిజం**
- ఇది కేవలం సెక్స్ పొజిషన్స్ గురించి కాదు
- ఇది జీవన విధానం, సంబంధాలు, ఆనందం గురించి ఒక గైడ్
- ఇందులో intimacy గురించి మహిళలకూ సూచనలు ఉన్నాయి
- **ప్లెజర్ గురించి మాట్లాడకపోవడం పెద్ద సమస్య**
చాలా జంటలు ఒకరికి ఒకరు ఏమి ఇష్టమో ఎప్పుడూ మాట్లాడరు → దీని వల్ల అసంతృప్తి వస్తుంది
- **కొత్తగా పెళ్లైన వాళ్లకు ముఖ్యమైన సూచన**
- మొదటి రాత్రే సెక్స్ చేయాల్సిన అవసరం లేదు
- ముందుగా భావోద్వేగ కనెక్షన్, టచ్, కమ్యూనికేషన్ build చేయాలి
- శరీరాన్ని అర్థం చేసుకోవడం చాలా ముఖ్యం
- **ఫోర్ప్లే మరియు కమ్యూనికేషన్ చాలా ముఖ్యం**
కేవలం ఫిజికల్ యాక్ట్ కాదు—ముందుగా మెంటల్ కనెక్షన్ రావాలి
ఉదాహరణ: మాట్లాడటం, సరదాగా గాసిప్ చేయడం కూడా ఒక ఫోర్ప్లే
- **సెక్స్లో పెద్ద సమస్య: కమ్యూనికేషన్ లోపం**
- “నాకు ఏమి ఇష్టం?”
- “నిన్ను ఏం ఆనందపరుస్తుంది?”
ఇవి మాట్లాడకపోవడం వల్ల disconnect వస్తుంది
- **ఇంటిమసీ తగ్గడానికి కారణాలు**
- మొబైల్, Netflix, distractions
- పని ఒత్తిడి
- పోర్న్ ప్రభావం
- కమ్యూనికేషన్ తగ్గిపోవడం
- **ఇంటిమసీ తిరిగి తెచ్చుకోవడానికి మార్గాలు**
- కలిసి activity చేయండి (gym, walking, travel)
- డేట్ నైట్ కంటే pressure లేకుండా టైమ్ spend చేయండి
- బయట అనుభవాలు సంపాదించి వాటిని భాగస్వామితో షేర్ చేయండి
- **సెక్స్ కంటే “desire” ముఖ్యం**
బలవంతంగా సెక్స్ కాదు → దానిపై ఆసక్తి (desire) రావాలి
- **చీటింగ్ (Cheating) స్పష్టమైన నిర్వచనం లేదు**
- ఒక్కో జంటకి ఒక్కో definition
- ఆలోచించడం, ఫ్లర్ట్ చేయడం, చూడడం—ఇవి కూడా కొందరికి cheating కావచ్చు
- ఇది పూర్తిగా వ్యక్తిగత మరియు రిలేషన్ ఆధారితం
- **మనిషి సహజంగా ఇతరులపై ఆకర్షితుడవుతాడు**
ఇది నార్మల్
కానీ దాన్ని ఎలా handle చేస్తాం అనేది ముఖ్యం
- **సెక్స్లెస్ రిలేషన్షిప్స్ పెరుగుతున్నాయి**
చాలా మంది భయపడే విషయం: “పార్ట్నర్తో ఇంటిమసీ లేకపోవడం”
- **పోర్న్ మరియు అసత్య అంచనాలు**
ఇది రియల్ రిలేషన్షిప్స్ను దెబ్బతీస్తుంది
- **STIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections) గురించి అవగాహన తక్కువ**
ఇది పెద్ద సమస్య అయినా, ప్రజలు మాట్లాడటానికి భయపడుతున్నారు
### చిన్న ఉదాహరణ
ఒక జంటలో:
- భర్తకి ఫిజికల్ రిలీస్ ముఖ్యం
- భార్యకి ఎమోషనల్ కనెక్షన్ ముఖ్యం
ఇద్దరూ ఇది మాట్లాడుకోకపోతే → ఇద్దరికీ అసంతృప్తి ఉంటుంది
మాట్లాడితే → మంచి అనుభవం అవుతుంది
***
ఇది మొత్తం ఒక ముఖ్యమైన మెసేజ్ ఇస్తుంది:
**సెక్స్ అంటే కేవలం ఫిజికల్ యాక్ట్ కాదు — అది కమ్యూనికేషన్, ఎమోషన్, మరియు కనెక్షన్ గురించి.**
Transcript:
(00:00) sex is not really easy it's work it is hard work it could be very pleasurable but it isn't for everybody getting into sex is one thing that people don't want to discuss when they're in their younger years and I'm talking about in their 20s to 30s they don't want also people to know that they are not sexually active most people when they say okay let's have sex they will go straight into your kids and you have a short foreplay and then it's been I'm home babe but there's another part which is cheating what drives people and the
(00:44) pleasure that they get behind it what exactly is cheating thinking of somebody is that cheating flirting with somebody is that cheating looking at other people online who you think are hot is that cheating so there was a time when I know when I was in college set thing was but so long as you didn't have sex with the other person you have not cheated but I think cheating is SEMA what can couples do to reignite this lack of intimacy or decline in their life so I always say that if you are trying to reignite the
(01:20) spot if you're trying to get back together the first thing according to the Cil before you start anything is join and what if sexual Wellness wasn't just about intimacy but a profound Journey towards your self-discovery and connection in this captivating conversation we're joined by the beautiful SEMA Anand a celebrated Storyteller and Authority on Ancient narratives of pleasure and intimacy drawing from the Timeless wisdom of the Kama Sutra and blending it with modern insights SEMA unpacks how understanding our desires can transform not just
(01:59) relationships but our entire approach to well-being this episode isn't just about intimacy it's about unlocking a deeper understanding of yourself and your relationships if you've ever felt held back by taboos curious about ancient wisdom or eager to reignite Connections in your life then this conversation is one you can't afford to miss ready to challenge everything you thought you knew about intimacy then this episode on my podcast is for you don't miss it I enjoyed it thoroughly with blessings from the good Lord and
(02:33) the universe and every Karma out there it's going to be an awesome podcast today you know what many podcasts I've done many of them with many guests today I'm a tad bit little bit nervous because I'm joined by a very astute lady a very beautiful lady and a lady who talks about a subject that even I as a health counselor sometimes squirm about in the counseling room when my clients ask me Ryan how can we get better in our Sexual Health well-being in our sex life and you know what I thought H Ryan Fernando you're a great nutritionist but you need
(03:12) help out there from experts who talk about this now today I'm joined by a brilliant person and she has written a book called the arts of seduction and it takes a lot of play from the Kamasutra so it got me intrigued and my team and me thought hey Ryan let's get some information for the millions of fans that follow us and break this down so without further Ado and with a little bit of sweat under my collar I want to welcome the beautiful SEMA SEMA how are you doing I'm good thank you Ryan and thank you for having me on your podcast
(03:51) so you are known as a Storyteller SEMA and before I start with whatever you know we have framed as questions and the the straight jacket tie person that I am stiff person that I am how did you get into this Art of Seduction what was your journey and where did you start so uh as you said I'm a Storyteller and I work with uh primarily with women's narratives so how we tell stories stories are very very powerful it's the most powerful tool of influence that we have and the stories that we tell actually Define us they Define our
(04:30) identity they Define um how we are perceived in society and so for the longest time I worked with female narratives you know through the stories that we tell and then I got to a point where I realized we never tell stories of a woman's right to her own body her body is always somebody else's property it's um her pleasure needs somebody else's permission and so I went looking for these stories that we had shut down and that was 24 years ago about 24 25 years ago and I thought okay I'll do a short um paper on this and move on but
(05:07) yeah 24 years on I'm still in the subject because as I got into it I discovered how vast and amazingly beautiful a subject it is and how complex and hidden it is so that's the background of starting SOA you are going to be talking about Wellness a specific Wellness in the department of sexual health now obviously we are known for eons and centuries of the most ancient Book of Love called the Kamasutra so two very stupid questions from a nutritionist one what is the Kamasutra and why did you select the Kamasutra as
(05:43) part of your storytelling narrative and the association with ancient Indian culture so the Kamasutra is actually a text that was written in we think around perhaps the third or fourth Century um it is a book that was written for men so this is a time when women were not taught how to read or write so the book was written hang on it's a book written for the men for men wow I should be reading it now you should definitely so it was written for men of leisure men of wealth because those are the only people if you go back 2,000 years ago those are
(06:19) the people who were being educated and the book basically focuses on how a man of wealth and Leisure can live his best life when it comes to relation relationships so the book is written in seven sections the first section is on how to build your house how to decorate your house um you know all the different things that you should be doing as a young man of leisure so like how many hours you should be massaged before you have a bath how many hours you should speak to your pet Miner Birds which is two or three hours by the way every
(06:53) single day and so on so that's the first section the second section is about the Arts of pleasure which is what we are going to be talking about the third section is on how to look for the ideal wife like what makes the perfect wife including weird and wonderful things like um if her name ends with a r or a l don't marry her she will not make a good wife and all all sorts of other weird things like that in section four it tells you how to marry this person so how do you get her to fall in love with you how do you send her these messages
(07:28) who do you trust with these these messages and so on so we did not come from a society where they said okay your parents have picked the right person for you now you will only meet on the day of your marriage that's not how it worked section five was on how to seduce another man's wife it was all about politics because if her husband was important and powerful and you needed to get to him you went through the wife section six was on corisan the rules around sex were work within the community because um the AR shastra
(08:04) written by chanaka chanakya which is written at the same time as the kamsutra chanaka had legalized prostitution within the kingdom and he had actually set up a Ministry for this and there were rules and laws around it so section six talks about the rules and laws around cortis around sex workers around the kingdom and section seven is about magic lotions of portions so that's the um that's the Kam Sutra and section two which is the bit on Pleasure is really the only thing that is that makes sense for us today the rest of it is a
(08:44) brilliant um historical insight into what Society was like at that point but really it doesn't really resonate with anything that we do today you know how you build your house talking to minor birds for 3 hours in the day um so yeah to me section two is and incidentally what's interesting is that section two is the only one where vatan actually gives instructions to men and women both vatan being the author of The kamsutra and he says in his introduction that people say to me why are you giving women instructions in your um in your
(09:19) treaties I mean why are you telling them what to do women don't understand anything on science the kamsutra was written as a scientific treaties and um he says but the he says people say to me or women don't understand anything on science why would you want to tell them all this and he says well one is it's a two-way thing intimacy two is that women understand this intrinsically men have to be taught so it is actually spoken to both so that is in uh short the background on the CRA wow you know I I heard the seventh part which is the
(09:57) portions and the lotions and you know in today's day of wellness and well-being as a nutritionist when I counsel people we go through right from the head to toe we talk about when they were born were their C-section uh what do they eat what time do they go to sleep what did the likes dislikes does the liver work well and I actually go from the top of the head down to the toes and ask everything with relationship to the human construct of that person and how they like uh their food or their environment but one part
(10:31) and even I'm I'm guilty of this which is uh I'm talking about the sexual Wellness of a person and how do we conduct oursel and what should we demand from the happiness or the Joy or the Endorphin release so what happens in my counseling is there's always this end question which is can you tell me which powder pill or lotion can enhance my bedroom performance because as a sports nutritionist obviously I make athletes win Olympic medals and most sports athletes have libidos that are really high but then I also get the the the
(11:05) celebrities that come to me I also get the common CEOs and CFOs and the ladies who run companies and they are asking this question can you give me the powder spills and lotions that are out there and sometimes I think I'm really smart and I think there is a solution to pill but when I read your book I realized that I think the intimacy and the communication builds something so SEMA why you think it's crucial to integrate sexual Wellness into our mainstream Health discussions well if you look at the ancient Indian tenants uh the
(11:40) ancient Hindu tenants which say that life is based on three pillars three equal pillars DH Earth k your social your mental and your emotional well-being and it doesn't say that Kama you know that your emotional well-being your intimate well-being is less of a pillar it says that these are three equal pillars and this is what what takes you to mooch this is what takes you to the ideal higher Consciousness it's it's what helps you to live your best life and so I think that this idea that this is something that we don't
(12:10) need to worry about is just such a DFT idea I mean it is such a huge part of our lives and as you know being a nutritionist being in the health space you know that lovely old song um the ankle bone is connected to the shin bone the shin bonees connected to the knee bone everything is linked connected everything has an impact on the next thing so if we actually do not take care of our Sexual Health it definitely impacts our mental health the moment something impacts your mental health because we have a million questions that
(12:47) we worry about we're never taught about the way that our emotions can impact us if I look at somebody and I feel really aroused by them a lot of people end up feeling super guilty about the fact that oh my God I already have a partner but I'm being attracted to somebody else and all you're saying to them is it happens it's not a big deal that's part of the human existence or you're feeling really stressed you're feeling unhappy and then suddenly you find you cannot get an nction and then the next thing you're
(13:17) thinking oh my God is something wrong with me you're judging yourself then your partner is judging you the you know the the backlash is incredible we are not taught about our emotions and that impacts our mental health and whatever impacts our mental health is going to impact your physical health so I hear you over here and you know you talk about this on your Instagram profile really beautifully you get these small Snippets of questions coming in from the general public and you answer them and and kudos to you you
(13:48) know to having the the wisdom the sagely wisdom and the gumption to talk about it many of us um prunes as I would call it but if you had to align what are the top common sex health issues that are coming across on conversations to you what would you say they are okay so first of all no you're absolutely nobody out there is a fool um unfortunately if you have never been taught anything plus there's been this superimposition of the fact that this is a bad thing it's a sinful thing it's U you should feel guilty about it this is um something
(14:24) that you should feel horrible about um we are not even going to want to learn about it so that's the problem unfortunately now um we have two strains of what is coming through when I first started my my work I would get questions mostly from men and they were mostly around erectile dysfunction or how long can I last in bed you know a simple single sentence emails or messages over time I find that this is actually grown where now I have slightly larger percentage of of women that follow me women write generally longer
(15:04) questions and they give more detail about what's going on but I also find that this is coming in from a lot of the other genders so the guys write in longer questions the um you know everybody else is basically now starting to put more conscious thought into what they're asking we still get a lot of people writing in about sexless relationships my wife doesn't want this my husband doesn't want it my boyfriend my girlfriend etc etc to the point where even people saying I am meeting somebody on um a dating site I'm meeting somebody
(15:43) through an arranged marriage setup how do I check whether that person is interested in intimacy as something that we will have for the rest of our lives not just for children so I think the fear of going into a sexless relationship because unfortunately there is a lot of um sexless relationships out there right now so this is definitely one of the main things that people write in about but what I find interesting is the the variations that are coming in so I get a lot of people saying my partner is absolutely addicted to porn um
(16:19) sometimes even watches porn while we have sex how do I deal with this because it's really bothering me and it's also ruining our sex life you have other people who write in and say my partner is more so this actually comes in a lot from women who write in and say my husband is more attracted to trans people and is more interested in having sex with a transgender person rather than with me how do I deal with this or a lot of people now writing in and saying that they want to try cucking or they want to open up their relationship
(16:58) to bring a third person into it how do we deal with this because some are comfortable some will will explore it and others are super uncomfortable about it but the shift that I'm seeing is that um a lot of people now are talking about consent and the deeper idea of what consent means to them so it's not just a straightforward yes or no but how in the um in the coming together how boundaries are being broken and how consent is being broken and is this okay am I all right to put this boundary so there's this worry
(17:35) because that's again something we've never been taught the one thing that is a huge issue in sexual health and people are still not talking about it enough is the problem of SDI there's a lot of sexually transmitted infection within the community now we're at the highest point of STI the world is at the highest point of STI than it has ever been before before and I still don't get enough people writing in questions about that I I think it's um it's more from a taboo point of view you don't want to let anyone know that you have an infection
(18:12) uh because then Society will kind of or anybody that you're telling will judge you for the fact that you are infected and people's mind tends to wander like why did they get that infection are they promiscuous who is the person and I do face that even in my nutrition counseling room wherein literally SEMA what happens is that the I always have a co- dietician sitting with me in the room and then the client and this is mostly the men will say can I talk to Mr Fernando privately and the moment they say that I know it's going in the
(18:43) bedroom department and then people will open up uh but I have to prompt them and ask them have you had any infections have you got yourself tested for any of the syphilis or viral infections of God forbid even HIV and I I do agree with you on this point that people at the one end of the SE Spectrum are not talking about it but on the other end of the spectrum is everyone's very mum about it because um in this getting into sex is one thing that people don't want to discuss because they're like when they're in
(19:20) their younger years and I'm talking about in their 20s to 30s they don't want also people to know that they are not sexually active so we have both ends of the spectrum where somebody has an infection and somebody's just too mum about it because they don't want to talk about it but I like the thought that you were talking about consent and couples and so I want to stick with couples because I do get a lot of couples that come into um the man and woman wanting to do a body transformation or just recently I had a guy getting married and
(19:49) he wanted to like lose weight and so we got him like really in shape 14 kgs down fat lost and all and he's like I'm getting married and all so he called me and he said Ryan um um I've taken Viagra before is there any else besides Viagra I'm like this is going to be your suag rat this lady is meeting you for the first time you've had a conversation on phone and met her five six times I don't think she's looking for a full Marathon at this point in your life so I'm jumping the gun on the sequence of our questions
(20:26) but you know women go through traumatic times in the first part of their marriage because they're having certain expectations of how their night in shining armor should be and we the men think that we've got to perform 16 times that night and be ready to go again next morning where that's complete Gap so one part is let's talk about the newly married couples what's your advice for them as they dating each other and then they get into the marriage and then we'll talk about the couples who have this kind of tired uh life working all
(21:01) the time and what I call is too tired to have sex so let's go with the first one my friend who just got married wants to take Viagra and wham bam thank you ma'am his wife to the Moon kind of thing so your your thoughts on this so interestingly the kamsutra actually says that you should never have sex on your the first night of your marriage sorry please repeat that again so so Millions maybe billions of people will hear this and they understand it correctly yes let's repeat it and repeat it slowly the kamsutra actually says particularly if
(21:33) you don't know the woman very well particularly if this is her first partner you are her first partner the first night is not when you have sex so it says that either you wait three nights six nights or nine nights before you actually do this now the reason for three six and N I think it's um you know like in coaching when you ask somebody um give me three reasons why you're not doing this so give me three ways that you're going to take this forward I think it's just so that you break that um barrier of somebody saying um oh I'll
(22:08) start with one and then just stick to one and if I fail I fail so I think 369 is just a sort of um a number sequence that they use but the idea behind it is you're supposed to wait till the other person is ready and you get them ready by you you know you start with conversations and um you start with kissing you start with all sorts of touching and different forms of intimacy till you become super comfortable with each other so the idea is that when you meet somebody you don't jump in and start trying to have sex also because
(22:48) the okay the I think the one thing that a lot of people don't realize is that the genitalia the sexual organs are not made for just coming together in this way there isn't just a sort of you know the the male genitalia is directly out in front the female genitalia is between the legs pointing downwards so you can't just sort of come together you have to negotiate penetration you have to place your body in a particular way you have to understand how to adjust your body so that this happens you have to understand
(23:27) that initially Maybe penetration is just to the tip then out again then again a little bit further you need to understand how much lubrication is needed because even if your partner is really really aroused by you and gets very wet the moment that they feel a little bit of pain they're going to dry out immediately it's got nothing to do with your ability or your sexiness just how the female body it's how the vagina is made I'm sorry I keep saying female body but we understand that it's not just women who have vaginas so um
(23:59) the other thing to remember is that vaginas are not a straight tube there's a little Bend to them so at penetration you have to negotiate that bend before you can actually penetrate all the way in and that's not something that can be done by simply going in directly um you have to learn how to adjust your body so that you can take that bend because that's where most people feel an incredible amount ount of pain that then dries up the vagina that then wants them that makes them not want to have sex it's a sort of vicious cycle so I think
(24:38) the biggest thing to do is to remember that um you need to use your fingers on your partner before you can even think of penetrating with the penis you need to get them super comfortable and I don't just mean super comfortable in the body but comfortable enough with you emotionally to say no that hurts okay could we try and change it a little bit this way you know there's so much more to communication than simply I love you I'm aroused by you yes let's do it that's not really what we mean by consent or what we mean by um by communication
(25:18) being aroused is a very complex thing and it comes in many many stages and you know so this is for my newly married couple so he and she have have to work together on the communication 3 69 nights work it out you have the whole day to and I think that's why they call it a honeymoon right so you get to know each other rather than honeymoon is a sexual Adventure especially for the guys out there it's not like okay you've never had sex for 20 years and then suddenly you want to have sex for 9 days straight you got to work at it guys so
(25:48) listen in closely SEMA has written a brilliant book called the arts of seduction so I highly recommend that you get a your hand on a copy and read it but I wanted to discuss that okay fine let's say these couple discover themselves and millions of people do that they figure it out together and hopefully we have a lot of happy married Newly Weds somewhere along the line This honeymoon period gets over and it gets over very fast in today's day and age uh because we have distractions whilst you were talking about you need to talk to
(26:21) your minor bird for 2 hours now couples are talking to their mobile phones for 7 hours a day they literally I was recently a restaurant and my wife and me were just like kind of talking to each other and uh we both were looking at our phones like let's put the phones down right we hardly get time together and we saw this new couple on the next and they must have been college or just in first job or whatever and I was looking at them and I was telling my wife and check them out right you know they're fresh and you know thing and then she's like
(26:51) yeah they're looking in their phones and they're not interested in each other and I think this is happening when I see it in my counseling room even with couples that are 30 to 40 years of age 40 to 50 years of age so busy they're experiencing a decline in their intimate intimacy and pornography is not helping in today's world to rekindle the relationship between uh a man and a woman so a lot of my friends a lot of my colleagues are like yeah wife's not giving me sex I'll just jerk off all the woman's like you know what my husband's
(27:25) just too tired to give me sex he's in the office all the time and he has the hots for this new secretary you know you hear this in in private locker room conversations what can couples do to reignite this lack of intimacy or decline in their life so I think the very first thing Ryan is that people have to want to do it you know there that first thing is that desire to say I need to fix it you know the problem is that um desire to fix it or desire to have sex both whether like you said they've kind of lost that spark so the
(28:02) desire to fix that spark and the desire to have sex you know my my point is always that I'm not trying to get people to I'm not trying to tell them to have sex I want them to want it so it's more cerebral is what you're saying if you get it in the brain the the the the functionality of the physiology just happens as a Next Step so because you know you can get into this thing of well almost like a fight and say okay that's it um you're not giving me sex I want it otherwise and you know okay fine my partner's just going to be so angry and
(28:37) it's just going to lead to unpleasantness I'll do it for you you can get that to happen every now and then but if you really want the other person to want it with you you need there are things that we need to change so the first thing is that I think the spark when it comes to your uh intimate life the spark tends to die down and the first thing is like I said is to want to reignite that spark because if you're like and I've also had a lot of people like this who say thank God I never have to have sex again yay I mean if you're feeling like
(29:17) that I'm assuming that your sex life was really really awful and yeah I don't blame you for not wanting it again so all I want is that first first thing to come from your brain to say wouldn't it be nice if we could have that intimacy back so that's number one number two I find you are absolutely right this thing with the phone with Netflix with all of this other stuff that you can actually get absorbed in it is really important to get time away from that Gadget of yours it is so much easier to be on that because sex is not really um easy okay
(30:00) it's work it is hard work let's be real let's be honest it could be very pleasurable it isn't for everybody but for the people who it is pleasurable for it is still hard work because you have to make sure that it's pleasurable I'm smile I'm smiling SEMA for this because there have been times when my wife and me have been like we work out really hard both of us okay so we go to the gym stuff and all and sometimes we look at each other and we like uh you want to do it she's like you want to do it yeah I want to do it I want to do it but just
(30:32) like there a lot of work he's like yeah we'll do it on the weekend right so we have that that that dialogue with us that yes sex is a lot of work one is you're physically fit but two uh I think it involves work which most of us today find the dopamine pleasure release coming faster from a Netflix or God forbid porn when your relationship is not really good but sorry I interrupted you so you no you're absolutely right I mean that dopamine fix comes from many different ways including if you are a working person
(31:05) when you see results at something that you're working on the kind of dopamine that you get from seeing uh the result that you wanted workwise is far greater unfortunately than most people get during their um sexual encounters now I think that for most men it becomes an I am um generalizing over here because men and women tend to think of it slightly differently so for most men eventually when that excitement dies down all they're looking at is okay I need this physically let's actually get this done because um I do need this
(31:47) release for a lot of women what they actually want is to feel that excitement from the kiss from the touch you know it's a different way that they get excitement and our biggest issue is that when we start off by being together as a couple we never ever discuss what gives each of us pleasure we get pleasure in such different ways it's so true wow one second say that again that that's extremely powerful we never discuss what gives each of us pleasure we never discuss what gives each other pleasure that's so true and
(32:28) you know it's like I said I know that for most women and a lot of women write in and say that the thought of sex is far more exciting than the actual sex like that gets them really excited the T of sex but then that's when you get to the actual sex it kind of Falls by the wayside for a lot of men it is you know a certain there are some men who are really good about exploring themselves about being imaginative and they might go step out and say h i actually quite like pleasure in this way or that way but for a lot of them penetration does
(33:03) it for them and we have such a disconnect between what gives us pleasure that you're never actually going to go forward and be able to say this was a wonderful experience for both of us if one person is getting the pleasure and then the other person isn't so I think the emotional connect the cereal working on it discussing what are the pleasure centers for each person what they expect from the other person and I think that requires communication not Netflix and your phone and this whole concept of swiping right or left I think uh does
(33:40) not replace the art of communication no absolutely it doesn't um so I always say that if you are trying to reignite the spark if you're trying to get back together join an activity do an activity together whether you're going to the gym whether you're doing yoga together whether you go hiking together climbing walls boating whatever but do an activity together where you just learn how to connect with each other where you learn to talk to each other again without the pressure of thinking ooh I'm trying to build up my connection again
(34:18) because if you say to people okay go on more date nights the pressure is immense to think oh my God I'm going on this date night it means that I have to be fix fixing my intimacy now I have to talk about this sexually now I have to feel this way I can't there is just so much pressure and that is just not a good way to start what you really need is to build up your connection with each other go out and do things together one um where you're you know because if you're going hiking together you're not worrying anymore about what you're
(34:52) saying how you're saying it how you're looking how you're smiling there is no more pressure now you're just connecting with each other and the other thing very very important go out and do stuff with other people and come back and share exciting conversations with your partner because if all you ever do is spend time with each other every single day you do everything together you've run out of conversation you've run out of things to explore or think about so you need a life of your own if nobody else out there in the world is finding you
(35:29) exciting as a conversationalist or as something that they can do things with why would you expect your partner to feel that way about you I think very wise words of wisdom because I do counsel a lot of Partners in the diet plans and sometimes either one says my wife or my husband doesn't have have time for me they're busy with this club and that club and I think I've got a word of wisdom from you today which is um let your husband or wife do that that and let them come back and share with you that because that's also starting a
(36:03) communication and I think just showing interest allows your spouse to I think have that freedom to go out and experience another level of thinking or experience without you but come back and share it with you and that's where correct me if I'm wrong bonds of intimacy can be forged that is where bonds of intimacy are forged because it's where you're now sitting and chatting to each other and that is where your intimacy actually begins where there is a desire to sit together and talk the kamsutra actually says that the
(36:36) very first thing that you should do before you start the you know like most people when they start when they say okay let's have sex they will go straight into UK kiss then you have a short foreplay and then it's penetration your head is still with whatever you were doing at office or whatever you were doing with the other person who you met before that or whatever the first thing according to the kutra before you start anything is you have a conversation you're supposed to tell each other either naughty stories or
(37:07) gossipy stories anything that basically makes you forget the outside world and go no did that really happen you know that kind of reaction it says you need to do that because that brings you into the present with each other and you've got to start from being present now I get why my wife likes to tell me stories about what happens in the build building and which neighbor did what in Whose Garden and I'm like like I could be care less about some but now it's like okay yeah so I'm going to start gossiping more with my wife Cy that's the best
(37:41) advice I got yeah I think it's a brilliant form of foreplay because yes you know maybe like maybe my husband is telling me about somebody that he met and it isn't really of interest to me in the general sphere of things but when we've decided that we want to be with each other you cannot jump into it by kissing you've got to shift the brain you've got to shift yourself mentally into that space it makes sense you start by conversing with each other you start by telling each other things that you thought were interesting or funny or
(38:18) naughty or whatever you you cannot literally I mean it's like saying okay I am in the UK you're in India beam me up Scotty I'm going to be that with you in one second no there is a flight that I have to take before I get there so talking about gossip on one hand I think it's healthy and especially when I'm going to gossip with my wife or my friends and then take it back again to my spouse but there's another part which is people today find very intriguing and it is cheating now whether it is cheating at the mental level or at the
(38:51) physical level uh what drives people and the pleasure that they get behind behind it and what's your opinion on the acceptance of this the cheating so it could be just in the brain or it could be really happening I think cheating is again it's like saying how long is a piece of string what exactly is cheating and particularly in today's day and age so there was a time when I know when I was in college it was the the set thing was but so long as you didn't have sex with the other person you have not cheated and I remember one of the things I
(39:30) always thought was very funny this thing no but I only cheated a little bit like what does that mean I only cheated a little bit you know you either cheated or not but the different people have different ideas so we have stories from our ancient past the folk stories where it talks about the woman thinking of another man like she sees him and looking at him was adulterous and hence her Chastity is gone and we have these horrible stories of how her Chastity goes and then this is done to her and that is done to her so thinking of
(40:07) somebody is that cheating flirting with somebody is that cheating um looking at other people online um who you think are hot is that cheating a lot of people are like if it's a celebrity and you're fantasizing about them that's fine but if it's an actual person then that's cheating I mean there is just just it's a huge spectrum and I think that I don't really have a I don't really have a parameter it's like people asking me what's your opinion of ghee is it healthy or unhealthy and I'm like I got to think about this question in the bio
(40:43) individuality of the context of the person first absolutely so whether or not um somebody is cheating I think is very dependent on not only your partner whether you think that was cheating but also the phase that as a partner I'm going through you know there are some days when we might be at a party and I find that my husband is chatting to somebody and um you know somebody that is definitely having a conversation which is beyond just the basic hello how are you and is the pressure cooker working um you know if it's more than
(41:19) that and there are times when I might smile and think oo it's so nice that he's having that conversation with somebody because now he's going to be coming back to me with that aroused mindset and that's going to be nice for us there are other days when I might be going through really [ __ ] time and I see him doing that and I'm like bastard how dare he you know it's so it's so dependent on so many factors so that's one thing but to come back to the um excitement of cheating so you know the the problem is um we read a lot of
(41:56) philosophy on the side of soda cans so it's one sentence now people have been told that monogamy is not natural in human beings they haven't been explained about this but yes we've just been told monogamy is not natural what exactly does that mean it means that as a human being no matter how much in love with my partner I am I am going to find all manner of people exciting attractive arousing through the rest of my life it doesn't mean that I have to go and have sex with them it doesn't mean that I have to go and kiss them it doesn't mean
(42:33) that I have to do anything more about it but to accept and acknowledge that yes as a human being I am going to find other people attractive that to me means that yes human beings are not monogamous by nature but a lot of people have taken that as um gospel oh monogamy means that we are supposed to be out there spreading our seed or welcoming people into our bodies at any point you know that's literally how people will put it across so there's almost this thing about saying um oh well this is natural anyway so I should be doing this the
(43:15) second thing is that all relationships go through a slight Plateau sometimes a huge plateau and we are not taught we do not go into relationships with relationship advice we are not taught that you will go through a plateau and you have to work at keeping it good so our initial reaction is okay this is obviously died now I find somebody else attractive we're also told that chemistry is where you first look at somebody and then you suddenly feel super aroused by them I keep saying the first thing we need to do is change our definition of words yes
(43:56) chemistry is where you look at somebody and feel super roused but chemistry can also be something that you work on to get that back with your partner chemistry can also mean that it is that slow access of pleasure where you look at somebody and think yeah I actually do like you and this is going to be really enjoyable and I'm going to enjoy lying in your arms and feeling your body against mine because I like the feeling of your body against mind but no we've only been taught that chemistry means instant arousal
(44:28) so we have unfortunately um we've created a vocabulary that leads us to behave in a certain way because when you have vocabulary you start to talk about it when you start to talk about something you put it into stories when you have stories that becomes Your Role Model so we're just telling the wrong Stories the other problem of course is that there's always the excitement of something forbidden there's always is that excitement you know of seeing somebody and getting excited and thinking ooh wouldn't it be fun a lot of people also
(45:07) it is an opportunistic thing so a lot of people travel now for work or whatever you're out somewhere somebody else is flirting with you and it's just sort of the opportunity of the moment you know so there's a lot of reasons why people cheat and this is why we come back to this idea that if you can actually create an extremely mutually pleasurable stable intimate life your relationship does become stable you have a better chance of a stable relationship when you create mutually pleasurable
(45:51) intimacy and this is why you know you asked at the beginning why did I go to the Kamasutra the Kamasutra is just literally one text out of many thousands it's just the best known text and hence we refer to all the other Kam Shas all the other erotic text as the kamsutra because people understand that particular term they know exactly what I'm talking about they know where I'm coming from but literally uh Ryan every single King whoever came to the throne of his own kingdom would have a copy of the Kamasutra commissioned because the
(46:26) idea of M Mutual intimacy mutually pleasurable intimacy was so important for all relationships wow speaking of relationships I think many kids today might go out and buy the Kamasutra we're talking about kids between the ages of 18 and let's say 25 they're going to college first time going to college do they have a girlfriend do they have a boyfriend many of us will not have a girlfriend or boyfriend many of us will not get intimate uh in college um and we V appears who have the relationships with a girlfriend or a boyfriend and I
(47:02) know because I counsel a lot of pediatric cases for Sports Nutrition young adults 18 to 25 who are I call them as horny sports players both men and women and I get this question and sometimes I turn pink behind the ears like and some of them have been with me for eight or nine years and they address me as Uncle Ryan so they will ask me Uncle Ryan uh everyone talks about masturbation for sports athletes and that if we masturbate then we're going to lose all our power now my my answer is I have found no scientific textbook
(47:39) that says that uh the release of an orgasm lowers the potential except one that says if it's done half an hour before the race the Vaso dilation that happens in your blood vessels for you to pick up speed in half is going to be a little bit difficult so from your book The Art of s uction from your wisdom as a goddess in sexual well-being and you talk about it masturbation clear the air for everyone out there including my 11 12y old son who I am feeling very embarrassed to start the conversation about birds and bees what is healthy
(48:14) masturbation how much should a guy do and how much should a girl do and what's the upper limit and what's the lower limit so again this is like uh saying how long is a piece of string because everybody is different everybody these needs are different so we generally say that the litmus test is or you know the the bar is that if it's if you're masturbating so much that it's actually stopping you from functioning in your regular life that is too much okay so if it's actually uh impeding your ability to live a healthy normal life that is
(48:49) too much when we talk about too little again it's the same thing if it is impeding your ability to think about anything else except the fact that you really want to do this but you're not going to do it because it's not healthy for you oh my God I can't do it then that is definitely the other end of the spectrum I give example we we give a lot of people these exercise variables right and we tell them to check their resting heart rate how many steps they do and actually brings a lot of anxiety to them that you know they're tracking so I I am
(49:20) laughing because yeah I think you're absolutely right you can't put a number to it you can't you can't say this is is how much is right or not I think that okay the first thing is that if you have a healthy attitude to masturbation which says I enjoy it I like it I'm doing this because it's something that I really want to do you will then do it in a particularly healthy way you will um you know and we try and explain this to guys because women get this more easily also because the way the woman's body is made
(49:56) we need a slightly different uh geography for our masturbation you cannot go into a little corner of the L and just sort of jerk off you know as a as somebody with a vagina you need to be lying down you need to or most of the time or at least sitting down being more comfortable you need a different body the ambience basically yeah well you need a different body posture and we always say well if you're doing that for yourself then create the Ambiance make it something beautiful because you have to shift the mind mindset from this is a
(50:29) bad sinful thing to it's something I enjoy and it's good for me so I'd like to say the same thing for guys don't do it with a death grip do it with different ways you know like um explore different ways of masturbating because if you do it with that like you know the dead grip you destroy your chances of a healthy sex life because your partner is not going to have um concrete vagina yeah it's yeah like that word concrete vagina it's going to be it's flesh and blood it's going to expand and contract it's going to have um variations on a
(51:12) daily basis so you need to also understand that part of this is your responsibility it's how you deal with it I think also a lot of people who um propagate this U no app and get very um holier than thou about it I just want to I had to Google up this word h by the way I I I'm I'm I'm of the old school so your your questioner came up to me and is like faap I'm like my son goes to Frank Anthony public school I'm like that's not that faat and I actually go and Google it up and I was like oh abstinence that's the that's the slang
(51:50) word yeah so for those who are listening into my podcast SEMA is talking about fap which means absence gone so what's the thing about faap so okay so traditionally noof fap was started as a movement that said do not masturbate to porn that was the origins of uh nofap it has shifted from there like I said we are so full of misinformation so it's become don't masturbate at all uh for some people it's come to mean celibacy altogether I mean it's all sorts of nonsense that's you know come into that um definition now the idea is that if
(52:23) you do not masturbate but sex is okay sex is fine go ahead and have sex with your partner but don't uh masturbate the idea is that why do you feel that releasing or ejaculating into a partner's sexual organ is fine but releasing and ejaculating into not another sexual organ is any different a release is a release okay and to my mind and to my belief system and of course the kamsutra there is absolutely nothing wrong with masturbation as a matter of fact it's a very healthy thing uh for every individual I know that there are I've
(53:10) heard one particular doctor somebody sent me his read saying that there are no studies anywhere in the world there's no medical books that say that masturbation is healthy for you that is incorrect there are actually studies out there and I don't even have to come back and mention which studies all you need to do is Google say medical studies saying masturbation is healthy you will find any number of studies that have been done on it in fact um I'll add my two bits of wisdom to this for all our audience um they talk about men who get
(53:42) prostrate cancer or prostrate enlargement post the 50 55s and I work with a lot of a lot of men uh who want to do body Transformations as they go into their 40s 50s and one thing is I look for the prostrate an anti test and if it's uh if it flares up it means you're going to have an enlarged prostrate over the next 10 15 20 years and there was this one study that said that men who had uh who had ejaculations uh what was the number I think 15 to 20 times per month had a lesser incidence of a prostrate enlargement so my prescription and I
(54:20) remember putting this out there telling uh men who are married get your wife to give you an ejaculation at least every 15 to 20 days and a lot of men especially my friends shared that with their wives but there was a medical backing to that and you make valuable wisdom over here saying that ejaculating into your body versus in not into a body is the same thing there is a release but if you take it to the prostrate level the ejaculation the semen production and its storage at the prostrate level all come around that I
(54:57) would say as Ryan Fernando that if you have a partner your job is to get the the brain workking intimacy to happen and have that many number of times of intimacy with your spouse or without your spouse but it there is a benefit from a medical point of view now disclaimer caution for anyone who's watching this video it doesn't mean that Ryan Fernando said you need to jack off three times a day for the next 365 days that's not what I meant 15 to 20 many times a month was what the study said so men go figure woo your wife's a
(55:32) chocolate candy cake gossip with them and for all the uh all the uh wives who are too tired at this point tell your husbands there's always their hand that they can jack off with s back to you at this part now you you know what this is the other thing I think that we really need to redefine the word sex like we think of sex as only penetration there's so much more to it you know think of all forms of intimacy as penetration and suddenly or as sex sorry think of all forms of intimacy as sex and suddenly you'll find that you're so
(56:11) much more comfortable because you can actually I don't know lie down naked with each other and cuddle and that could be your um sexual encounter for the day you know it's it's or you know let your partner have their masturbation time they've felt their pleasure they felt their satisfaction then come and lie down with each other and then you have your post qual chat time you know so you're telling each other the stories but you're still being really intimate and um you're still being together and the pleasure has been taken care of I
(56:46) just think that there are so many different ways I mean be creative when it comes to your pleasure life don't be sort of stuck in this Wonder little I you know I always say penetration is really not everything it's cracked up to be um for both people and I think the other thing I really really want to put out is that everything is not about orgasm do you know I've been working with a few people who either produce porn or work in porn or perform in porn and uh you know most of them are senior academic somebody who's teaching at the
(57:22) University of New southw somebody teaching at Harvard Etc so I'm talking about Senor academics but also uh porn performers and um I just you know somebody recently told one one of them recently told me that the newest strand the newest Trend in porn the you know when we talk about ethical porn which is being made not from the male gaze um is that they're making this without orgasms so normally when you have pornography the money shot is that moment when the you know the person of the vagina squirts or the guy with the person with
(57:59) the penis ejaculates everywhere and you know this huge big sort of Fountain of um stuff comes out and they're saying we need to put less pressure on people because it's now become our education system pornography so they're actually trying to create porn without orgasm so that you can show the pleasure you can show the excitement you can show everything else but it doesn't always have to end with an orgasm speaking of orgasm you've set this point how you move is how you age um can you elaborate on how movement impacts not just the physical
(58:37) health but also the emotional and the sexual health as you know that as we get older we lose muscle mass we lose bone density and it is extremely important that we understand that and realize that because the moment you start losing that it it impacts your Mobility and the moment it impacts your Mobility your body becomes full of problems when you stop moving your gut stops functioning properly so you've got constipation which means that your brain your eyes your body is blocked up your knees start to hurt your hip starts to
(59:15) hurt you're now limping along you're slouching I mean there's a million things now if you are in that in that state of physical disrepair tell me how you think that is going to impact your mind your body and your soul and we said earlier that sex is is is involves work right so if you add the word work out also and I think we have this false notion that sex is only penetration but it could involve a lot of foreplay just interacting with each other massaging cuddling all of those things and I think to do all of those
(59:52) things you need to move you need to I mean like and like I was saying earlier that your pleasure life your intimate life is very very dependent on your communication with each other how you feel about each other and even the fact that you know let's say for instance what are the things that I enjoy doing I want to go out and um I I want to go out for walks I want to go out shopping I'm an absolute shopaholic I love my shopping I come back feeling so happy um I mean that's my orgasm on its own um I want to go out and meet friends I want
(1:00:30) to go out to the theater I want to be able to do stuff if I cannot if my Mobility decreases to the point that I cannot walk down to the end of the road jump on the tube go into Central London do whatever I want to come back or Christmas lights are now up around um Central London it's so delightful you go over there you walk around you see the lights you get a nice hot drink those are all parts of the joy of Life they make you joyous as a person we if it's only when you are joyous when you're happy is that going
(1:01:08) to filter down into every other part of your life and everything everything literally comes down to your Mobility that's so true you know S I had this one couple who were in their late 50s and they both I would call them Fitness inclin Fitness freaks they hike together yoga together and um I always when I do the entire health and wellness I ask them um you know um I I go straight and said bedroom departments any complaint so they looked at each other and they said absolutely no complaints uh we um we just want to know how we can have
(1:01:44) more orgasms so I was like um okay a research has shown that if uh Arginine which is one of the amino acids is better in your diet and antioxidants your Purp especially the resveratrols the anthos signments if they're higher uh the Big O is a little bit higher and and more beneficial and I just casually asked like um like how many like oh we have like about 30 or 40 the women said per per session and I was like okay noted I had to keep a straight face and the guy is's like yeah I can go two three times a night and then I realized
(1:02:18) that they looked like a 40-year-old couple and the reason behind that is muscle is the only age reversible organ and so when people start getting fitter and I there was this research that couple should not work out together because they tend to um compare or slow down or impede like if I work out my wife I'm I'm to I'm too I'm too concern that she might have an issue with the muscle or she's competing with me or whatever it is and there was a Singapore study says that couple should not work out together but in terms of walking and
(1:02:55) yoga I high highly advise couples to work out together so that I think brings in this movement um and blood circulation just gets better with better oxygenation so uh you tend to get in the mood better in fact Dr SEMA testosterone both in men and women actually improve with better breath work so those who don't exercise should should actually try and get uh more couple time together because if you do get some movement which is the getting into bed and having some sex you get more oxygen panting you bathe yourselves
(1:03:33) you vasod dilate your brain gets fired up and on the other hand if you do have a chance to work out just leave a little bit in the workout left like I see a lot of couples and I say especially women they go to the pedal to the metal in their workouts I tell all women leave a little bit in the tank to come back at home and have your bedroom Pilatus class also and that is where you know you you tend to have this movement Revolution uh in in couples and I think as you said earlier and as I said earlier it's tough
(1:04:05) to have sex it it is a workout it's in its own right now um I want to ask you I went to my friend who was getting married recently and then he wanted to do the Viagra and I forgot to ask you this question which was uh for a lot of women they do get married and it's the first time of an experience experience with their new new husband and for them obviously the body may not be ready as yet and it's painful penetration is painful I know you've defined it as 369 but what advice would you give to women to get prepared in terms of their
(1:04:47) first encounters so I think that um if your pelvic floor muscles are nice and strong exercise is really really important because when your pelvic floor muscles are stronger um you're able to control your body better basically I think that to understand that there would be certain positions so you have to learn how to adjust your body to make sure that you get past the pain points because it is painful um understand that using lubrication uh a lubricant a good lubric lubricant is extremely important and not just a little bit not just oh let me
(1:05:33) just I mean really go for it lots of lubricant it is absolutely essential because like I said no matter how aroused or excited you get the moment you feel the pain it's a it's a natural reaction the brain says oops something is wrong you dry up immediately yeah you clinch you dry up um I think it is extremely important also to understand that the initial bit of penetration if it's really really painful getting past that bend get it just to there make it shallow there's lots of thrusting techniques that the kamsutra
(1:06:14) talks about which in which are only about shallow thrusting thrusting absolutely okay um use your fingers you know put your fingers inside you put two fingers nice chopped up nail uh chopped off nails making sure that there's nothing there that could hurt you put lube put your fingers inside and just get used to the idea of something going inside and a lot of women will tell you that um when they put their fingers in they're fine it doesn't hurt but when the penis goes in it hurts it's just because when you're putting your fingers
(1:06:50) in you're on your own and you adjust your body according to what is needed when you're with a partner you think it has to be done a certain way just learn that it's the same idea about adjusting your body to get to that point and um it's about relaxing the brain so you know a lot of people tense up when when something hurts you tense up and then you become even tighter so Ana Dr anadan beel who's a relational and psychosexual therapist that I work with she always says that when you find that penetration is a problem and you're
(1:07:31) breathing through it actually do your breathing technique so you should always try the penetration when you breathe out so a lot of people have this thing about deep breath no no no it's when you're breathing out because at that point the body automatically relaxes and finally I know a lot of people do keegle exercises to make sure that their perineum the muscles down there are nice and firm uh because the perum does become lazy over time I think it's really important that you know with the keigle exercises or with the pelvic
(1:08:04) floor exercises you'd say okay tighten it so that it feels like you're taking the lift up to the first floor second floor third floor that's fine people do that bit but you also have to learn how to then bring it down bring it down learn how to untighten it to the fourth floor third floor go down to the basement where you totally let it go so it's not just about tightening it's also about understanding how that muscle moves amazing advice SEMA I'd like to call you Dr SEMA right now and it's it's like you do really St Amazing Stories a few more
(1:08:44) questions because this this is even a learning for me for me as a health coach and I'm actually going to go back to my team and say splice this part and keep it ready so when a couple is counseling I'm like okay this part what SEMA said we got to play it to them because SEMA I get a lot of people especially women clients nowadays who are coming in because um for various reasons a lot of women are hitting maybe per menopause earlier um it's the stress it's the chemicals in our food chain uh it's the click culture of WhatsApp that is
(1:09:18) causing this artificial stress which maybe 100 years ago did not exist women didn't have that sort of stress they had a stress of will they have a meal to provide the family how to cook the meal or take care of the kids so it's changed a lot so those struggling with low libido or sex drive or they have intimacy challenges um where can they start somewhere on their Journey like for example if I have a breathing problem I I first acknowledge that I've got a blocked nose today so I need to take care of my blocked nose so what is it
(1:09:55) that I need to I'll write down five six things I'll go and check Google find out what is your guidance as a person who deals with sexual wellness and um what you advise both men and women on this low liido issue okay so we come into our adult lives with decades no Generations hundreds of years of DNA uh memory which has told us that sex is a bad thing so we come into our understanding of our adult life with with this background information saying this is a bad thing this is a sin this is the original sin um that you should
(1:10:38) feel guilty about it Etc so we're already predisposed to feeling weird about sex okay we've been told over and over again that this is um bad this is horrible you shouldn't be doing it and then you get married and you have an official partner and then overnight you're supposed to change how you feel and that's not an easy transition to make so there is already u a predisposition to the problems around sex and like I said hence the only time that it feels exciting is when it is um under the um you know the the nonvalid
(1:11:21) section so cheating or doing this you know on the sly because that's what's actually lifting up your um your adrenaline this idea of doing something forbidden so we already have this issue that we come in with I think like you said if you have a breathing issue you have to first say that you have a breathing issue if you find that there is a problem with the way that you're facing sex you need to be able to acknowledge that a lot of people I know will not actually acknowledge that there a n it's nothing like that it's just that I'm
(1:11:56) really tired I understand that people get tired and I understand that when you're tired that's definitely not what you want to be doing is having sex but it isn't the the whole truth because I've discovered that when I really like something when something gives me pleasure I will find a way to do it so even if you're tired you'll go shopping yeah when I go shopping when I'm not tired I'd be like okay today I'm exhausted and the weather is really bad okay I'm going first thing in the morning or one of my favorite things at
(1:12:31) home is to watch I I love watching old murder mysteries you know not the new ones but the old style The Murder She Wrote kind of thing I would sometimes go to bed really late and I will put it on before I go to bed and then find that I'm falling asleep I'm not going to be able to enjoy it so I'll turn it off but with the provisor in my head that I'm coming back to it tomorrow when I'm feeling full of of energy okay I want people to be thinking like that about their intimacy like I want to come back to it when I'm feeling
(1:13:07) energetic not like okay I'm really tired let me just make an excuse tomorrow I'll think of another excuse so we first have to figure out that okay there's an issue the second thing is that it was clearly not pleasurable hence you don't want it now because if something was good there is a desire to come back to it and this is why I always say figure out for yourself what would make it pleasurable for you figure out because only you can decide what will make it pleasurable for you your partner can't figure out for yourself what will
(1:13:49) make it pleasurable for you and then incorporate that I think I think what you're saying is so true you know you have to decide for yourself and if I can divide that into two parts one part is um discovering yourself and your sexuality and the other part is libido linked and the other part is the libido linked to your energy levels so Sima I've had cases in the clinic where I actually call for a diagnostic test and it's very interesting okay um 60% of the Indian population the Indian race especially the women are anemic which
(1:14:30) means your hemoglobin is low one of the classical symptoms of low hemoglobin is constant fatigue and headaches now while sex requires or having a higher sex drive or just having an interest which is libido to get aroused requires I would say keeping energy aside for the human Reptilian Brain will say I don't have the necessary calories sorry sorry not not calories energy so systems like low vitamin D are linked to testosterone and hormonal production vitamin B12 your sugar and energy metabolism including insomnia is
(1:15:13) driven by vitamin B6 B9 and b12 so when people sleep lesser there's a research paper that talks about s SWS sleep deep sine wave sleep releases stem cells which helped the body recover so here comes a function where on one side you're kind of questioning your sexuality but on the other side you're actually physiologically completely a wreck and so you've got nothing wrong psychologically with you but everything wrong with you physiologically because today's generation are eating outside food all the time chemically driven food
(1:15:50) pesticide Laden food eratic food eating habits higher level so they're clicking a button on e-commerce to order foods that have higher fat and sugar because the restaurant or the food processing industry is serving food to you that is high sugar and high fat which is causing the arteries down in your Galia and your brain to get clogged up and so as a result you feel it's a lot of work to go down this pathway of getting wet it's just too much of work and I think from from from that perspective uh I'm seeing it more in men surprisingly
(1:16:30) cuz people come and confess to me at my clinic and testosterone levels are at all time Global low testosterone is a driver for libido and for women it's the hemoglobin the iron the fertin and the vitamin D and b12 levels so for my part I know it's got to do with biochemistry from your part you're talking about the maturity the cerebral work that a person has to do and then also knowing your body SEMA it's been absolutely uh because sorry no just to uh add that you know some people look at sex as a stress relief and some people say it's when we
(1:17:11) are totally chilled we're not tired when we're not stressed out that's when we want it I think that's also really important for people to understand with what emotion they approach sex that's part of what makes them either want it or not want it it's added to everything that you just said I think it's so important it's all linked if I can open up my counseling room and my personal life to you it's like this I have another question on the same thing energy levels and all I like to have sex in the morning my wife likes to have sex
(1:17:48) in the night and um many of times it's like the energy levels are completely mismatched there are a lot of of women who love to have sex in the morning and a lot of women uh who do not want to have sex and a lot of men who do not want to have sex how do we combat this timing thing what would you as a sexual Wellness counselor advise me and millions of people who have mismatched timings for their sexual appetite you know Ryan this is one of those things that you literally have to work out as a couple because like you
(1:18:22) said so according to the the karma text it's not just that somebody who likes it at night is the one who likes it um at at any time of the night it says that there are some people who like it in the early um so the early part of the night so when evening just is turning into night it's dusk some of them like it as the the night progresses some want it even later at night that's their best Sexual Energy time and for some people they like it in the very early hours of the morning and I think that this is now something that we cannot really well
(1:19:01) it's kind of difficult with our working lives and our family lives and everything else that we have to do to try and match that together I think that the best that we can do is um have a sort of system where you do it for each other and you do it at the time that you have and then when you have your odd holiday and your anniversaries and your honeymoon periods again that's when you actually fit in with the the special timings that you have but I just yeah unfortunately I wish I had a better answer to give you for that one but s
(1:19:39) those are wise words because I think it again comes down to how a couple would make time for each other and understand the needs of the other person so I think India you need to talk to your spouse you need to ask your spouse what is it that he or she she wants and sema's advice is dialogue have the dialogue ask and obviously when you are with a spouse both of you are working towards a common goal of being married you know till death do us part a lot of us say that and we talk about cheating today we talk about monogamy but uh before you explore
(1:20:15) any of these things why not first explore the art of conversation and uh telling the other person what it is that you wish and desire and maybe have tick marks like you know I submit a diet plan and I tell a person okay this is your nutrition plan and these are your protein these are your carbs and these are your fat and this is breakfast lunch dinner pre-workout during workout post-workout snack and then I ask the client what's your timetable for Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday because accordingly I'll insert my food
(1:20:44) according to what you'll be doing maybe you could also have this with your spouse saying that okay Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Monday is for gossip Tuesday is for something else Wednesday is for a massage together Thursday is yoga class together Friday is putting the kids to bed and going out for a date night with no sex that you do on Saturday morning because this Saturday is mine and I get sex in the morning and on Saturday night you get everything and maybe you're just one of those couples that kind of say
(1:21:15) you know what once a week or once in two weeks is perfectly all right we are not going for marathons over here we're not sharing scope cards and scoreboards I think that is something that is giving a lot of anxiety to a lot of couples and I have one anxiety which is probably the winding up of my podcast SEMA with you is I have a 12year old and there are two parts how do we take care of a children in terms of U you know uh creating safer spaces for children uh to to protect them but on the other hand parents like
(1:21:51) me who are probably quite embarrassed to talk to the children about the birds and the bees and masturbation and developing this art of intimacy I think I'm an intimate person but I have not answered any exam and my parents have not taught me anything and I'm kind of like reading up stuff or watching stuff or observing people and then getting Snippets of wisdom from people like you SEMA so what do we do what do we tell our children I mean you have beautiful children um share with me your PS of wisdom on how we take it with
(1:22:26) our youngsters and early teenagers okay so uh couple of tips one is that at no point and this is really difficult but this is very important at no point do you make a judgy comment around sex and sexuality when you're around them because you may be saying to them there is nothing wrong with this it is absolutely wonderful but if your conversation regularly is oh my God you know they will pick up on that and that is like the beginning of the slippery slope so you need to always make sure that you're not being judgy
(1:23:04) which means that they need to feel comfortable knowing that if they needed to ever talk to you which is unlikely but if they ever need to talk to you that you will be on their side that you will not shut them down you'll not yell at them that they can trust you when it comes to you the second thing I always say is that for me sex education start starts with emotions you know you need to tell your kids that you are going to feel certain things you look at somebody and you might get really excited and that is going to make you feel uncomfortable and
(1:23:38) sometimes even when you know you know it's the wrong thing it could be an auntie that you've suddenly seen and you might get excited about it just looking at her at a party and then you feel guilty that some you've done something like this that there are emotions whatever you happens with your body there are emotions that accompany it so they understand that they're not um weird that they're not out the box because a lot of young people a lot of kids particularly find themselves thinking a certain way about something
(1:24:16) and they drown in the guilt of thinking that what they've done they've done or what they're thinking what they're feeling is wrong so understanding that even as they get older like you know that the first time that you have sex and maybe this is a conversation for slightly later um but you know that yes this is normal this would not be normal what emotions should you feel yes there's a certain amount of pain but if you feel like you're absolutely dying or if somebody is making you feel really horrible about yourself
(1:24:55) that is not okay do you know what I mean like just understanding distinguishing emotions very important and particularly the emotion of rejection that you will fall for somebody more than likely they will not want to be with you it is normal everybody goes through that and I mean everybody several times over so normalizing emotions is very important and I think something that we never do and so important teaching your children run about boundaries okay we are so guilty about setting boundaries boundaries are super
(1:25:31) important because it's only when you set boundaries and you you learn that it is okay to set boundaries that's what I actually think is the more important thing because most of us certainly when I grew up I was not taught that I felt guilty every time until date I I set a boundry and I feel really guilty and I think oh my God but so and so is such a nice person I shouldn't be doing this has to be a across your life in every aspect of your life teach them about setting boundaries because that's what teaches them when they feel
(1:26:03) safe during an intimate encounter or not and once they can understand if they feel safe um it is something that they can actually take forward do you know what I mean like we're making them aware of themselves and their own power that's true I think in school they don't teach us about uh our emotions and our play of emotions with people around us and then the sexual development of children I think and I'm at fault over here because up until now I was just thinking about the plumbing right the act of sex or explaining the birds and bees I honestly
(1:26:45) till now that you spoke to me didn't think about the emotional part I've got I've got as a dad I've got to explain this to him I've got to figure out how to tell him that the penis goes into the vagina and all of that fertilization happens and I was just thinking like a pure scientist but no emotion and you framed it so beautifully I'm going to go down and write some notes and figure out how I can have a Sunday conversation with my son and the easiest thing when you're having a conversation don't sit them down and have like o a conversation
(1:27:15) do it while you're doing something keep it short and unless they've asked question and you need to respond um you know make it short Snippets while you're doing something so you're not eye to eye facing somebody you can actually sit back and be doing something and then carry on so that there's no awkwardness awesome um few quick uh quick CH questions over here okay and I want some fast answers from you um one thing about the Kamas Sutra that would surprise most people that it is not a book about acrobatic positions that every single position has
(1:27:55) a purpose the idea was that for intimacy to be pleasurable the very first um the very first provisor was that the sexual organs should match in size because if the sexual organs don't match in size if the woman is too small if the man is too big it's just going to be painful so that's not going to lead to pleasure so the but before you get together with somebody you really don't know what the size of their sexual organs is going to be and so these positions were actually created to try and synchronize the sizes
(1:28:26) of the sexual organs SEMA sexually transmitted diseases in today's modern day landscape people are going to have different partners what are your two worldly advises of wisdom one is of course the condom always use the condom these days you can get super thin condoms you can feel everything through it there's going to be no lack of pleasure and honestly condoms are extremely useful also very sexy because it means that you can have sex at any time that you want um and the other is get yourself tested and insist that your
(1:29:02) partner is also tested I know people feel that it's going to be awkward but remember that this is the rest of your life and there are a lot of SDI that don't actually show up um in symptoms you can only discover them through testing because and there are also STI that you cannot actually avoid by very condoms you can get them through other ways as well um the the reason to get tested and the reason to be protected is that you might still want to be with the other person but at least this way you can make a an informed choice in fact my
(1:29:40) advice to all the youngsters out there is that uh when you decide to become sexually active uh with any partner whatever the experience that you know or do not know about get tested in fact a lot of people in India turn up at at my nutrition clinic um without their parents knowledge uh and they ask Mr Fernando um can we bring our partner in for a nutrition counseling session and can you ask them for the so-called viral blood test bacterial blood test to determine sexually transmitted diseases and or a genetic test to know that if is
(1:30:16) the this is the future Mr Right or Mrs Right so I think more importantly if that you're feeling shy both of you as a couple could go together to a Primary Health Care Facility or your family doctor or the nearest hospital and get yourselves tested and as SEMA said a condom is probably after the refrigerator the best invention on the planet ever definitely I did a I reposted somebody's um reel recently saying that uh one of the thing one of the five most important things that you should do before you get married is ask
(1:30:51) to see your partner's tests on this and uh some guy wrote to me and said don't spread bad information you don't know what kind of problems that can cause buddy this is the whole point is it can cause problems uh if you don't know and then you find out later this gives you the chance to make an informed decision so Sima when you're talking about informed decision I mean uh we do get married hopefully to one spouse for the rest of our lives and those that have it they're extremely lucky my parents have been married for over 50
(1:31:26) years together they still bicker and fight and argue but um they still call each other love I've never heard my father mother call each other by their first name never ever so if I got lost in a supermarket I would never shout mama papa I would scream love and both my parents would turn up but speaking speaking of love in today's world we're getting very transactional and when a person says why you spreading misinformation do you know that we do genetic testing called the DNA narip and this has got nothing to do
(1:32:00) with sexual Wellness but your future Generations which is very interesting assume I have five 10 children I have only one child but these children are going to get married and I'm a billionaire now the in-laws that are coming into my family I've got all the wealth in the world please come join my family but do I want a future grandchild with diabetes hypertension because of your family's in breeding in a certain Community for centuries for example talasemia for example anemia for example various other um blood clotting diseases
(1:32:41) or God forbid cancer diseases diabetes Now is is said to be hereditary where am I going with this conversation hopefully people will understand that um in addition to sexual uh compatibility you also want to understand genetic compatibility and therefore testing saves you eons of um guilt and maybe uh falling down a black hole is what I call it U and this is something that you know um people say no no I do want to know and my advice to people is you should know exactly like when you drive your car and it's got that fuel tank indicator and
(1:33:23) your brakes are not working or your oil fuel gauge is going low it beeps and tells you something I think when you have relationships you need to have those testing points in conversation testing points in terms of STDs testing points in terms of working out together and seeing whether each of you is fit Fitness inclined or not and is this person you want to spend the rest of your life with SEMA if anyone wants to reach out to you and they want to consult with you or just talk to you or invite you to their wedding because you
(1:33:55) bought two people together where can we find you okay so um I of course I'm on all the different social media platforms I will say that I am not um available these days for one onetoone consultations uh but I do try and pick up as many questions as we possibly can between all the different media platforms and try and help out as much as we can the uh platforms are all under the name SEMA Anor and storytelling in recent times there have been a lot of um other platforms that have been created fake ones in my name so somebody calls
(1:34:33) themselves Sana the official and somebody else says s telling stories and so on but um and with my photo up there but it is SEMA Anand storytelling and we will get you that link Down Below in the description thank you so much and I owe you a shopping trip when I'm in London next cuz I'm opening a qua nutrition clinics in London in 2025 so I'm going to meeting up with you and we're going to go shopping together thank you SEMA thank you so much ran thank you for watching this far it's been an amazing episode and I'm so grateful to have you
(1:35:07) till the end if you like this video please share this video with your loved ones better still give me a subscribe a like or even a comment and we'll come back to you
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