Marriage, Mental Health & Divorce: The Hidden Connection 😳 | G Sowmya Reddy | K Siva Kalyani | ML02

Marriage, Mental Health & Divorce: The Hidden Connection 😳 | G Sowmya Reddy | K Siva Kalyani | ML02

Author Name:Miss Legality Official

Youtube Channel Url:https://www.youtube.com/@MissLegalityYT

Youtube Video URL:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=514IlngKOPo



Transcript:
(00:00) What is your take on it? Like being a psychologist, how difficult it is for you to explain to people what is the [music] role of the thing? >> [music] >> Is it safe to say like there's a life-changing event? >> You know, work stress or >> Mhm. >> or job stress or academic stress >> There's the other [music] ground of divorce, adultery.
(00:35) >> We have no right to advise someone to stay stay or leave the marriage. >> Recognize children came and went there. Science and technology that is something to get caught. >> So, it can become a ground for divorce. [music] Take some time and talk. >> Mhm. >> You want to stay in it or leave? >> [music] >> But like a divorce option later What we can do is that the I >> Today we have a special guest on our channel who has dealt with more than 300 couples who is none other than Saumya Reddy, psychologist, marriage counselor,
(01:22) and a mental health expert. >> Hi Saumya, welcome to the channel. Hi Saumya, welcome to the channel. >> Hi Kalyani, thank you for having me here. >> Yeah, how are you? >> I'm good. How are you doing? >> Good. Good. What is your take on it like being a psychologist? How difficult it is for you to explain to people what is the role and you be?
(02:05) >> Yeah, that's the common take that comes and that's the common comment also if if I go tell anybody that I'm a psychologist and I pull me daily picture with the deal just around and but that's not true actually. It's like you know most of the 95% of them would be normal ones only with basic mental health issues like depression or anxiety or EV and then counseling if it's a relationship counseling, marriage counseling skill chill.
(02:34) There is you know work stress or uh >> Mhm. >> job stress, academic stress You want to be in a while what do you think? They come for counseling help suggestion. Sometimes it's like you know more of direction. When I look at the looking at it in a different direction or different way >> Mhm. >> we kind of change it. You know what I got to you that you do.
(02:52) See this this way. You're feeling stuck in a situation. You're feeling stuck in a relationship. We deal with this majority of the time. So no that is not that's absolutely wrong that if you are mentally ill or picture in the antenna psychologist they can build on anything that is wrong. >> I think is it safe to say like there's a life changing event or something that I want to adjust. I moved to a new city.
(03:17) And I want to try to work on myself. Situations in the pool I can look for a psychologist as a counselor. It is not necessary that I have to be suffering from something to come to you. >> Definitely. That's the right way that you put it. Definitely it is like that. You know it's better always to seek help, get that guidance or direction rather than overthinking about it and you know keeping it all inside.
(03:42) And again it's all we go through some situations. I would like to share just go to the market every time you have to judge yourself and I don't want to listen to me. You want to be all these thoughts in these kind of situations, it is better to always better to reach out. >> Mhm.
(03:59) We are also seeing a rise in, you know, mental health issues. But before we talk about it, on a daily basis number of divorces are increasing. We are still seeing a rise in the cases. One will be cruelty and two is adultery. So, when we speak about cruelty, cruelty is of two types. One is physical and one is mental cruelty.
(04:28) Physical cruelty we can at least prove if we have, you know, evidences such as, okay, wounds on the body or the scenarios where it happened, CCTV recordings. But when it comes to mental cruelty, it's a challenge, I think, for me as an advocate and also a judge who is sitting there because we will not be able to estimate If I can give you a small example.
(04:57) For someone telling them to get up in the morning every day and to do a certain type of a household chore is mental cruelty. Despite me asking some validation from my husband, I'm not getting that validation. That is mental cruelty for me. Some of them sarcastic remarks from the in-laws or, you know, like discrimination from the relatives with regard to how much, you know, money was spent on the marriage.
(05:25) Multiple reasons on which, you know, mental cruelty is there. Do you, like, you know, see those clients on a daily basis? Like, how can we understand that this is the point where I need to take a divorce because I will not be able to be in that marriage beyond this limit. >> See, like you rightly said, physical cruelty aside, which is, you know, visible and that can be, you know, usually society know that would be the first question.
(05:55) Is he hitting you or torturing you? Then why not? But this is again, that's just the tip of the iceberg. Comes under the mental abuse or emotional abuse. You know, verbal abuses you want me. If there is a sarcastic comment and so on. If there is a sarcastic comment and passive-aggressive movements and so on. You know, it's so These we take it on and prove this going on. It is like you said, I said only.
(06:19) But do these really affect somebody? And can somebody getting affected by this while the divorce considered to be a child or not? Most of the time they just do it. What do you mean by that? There is something called as four horsemen for predicting divorce in okay, it's in the books. Now, under the first would be criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
(06:40) Now, with all of it, it is like criticize children. Criticize children and like you know, You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. I didn't expect this from you. What a standard dialogue that most of them get. You didn't do it like you said.
(06:54) You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said.
(07:02) You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said.
(07:08) You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said. You didn't do it like you said.
(07:14) You didn't do it like you said. What a chill matter going on now. This and then comes the stonewalling major part. And then and then there is something upsetting. The family members stop talking or the spouses stop talking. It is not now all these what I am saying, it is not that only one gender is doing to the other.
(07:30) It is not a specific thing. It can be either of them doing. Yeah. Either of them doing these kind of like you know, criticism and contempt and stonewalling and all that. Our days together hours together. You are completely silent. The other person is not existing in I'll cook my food. I'll take my things and go away.
(08:04) Now this goes on for days and in some cases I've seen they have lived like that in a house couple for 2 years like that. >> Oh my god. >> Like non-existent. >> So there's no form of contact. >> No form of contact. >> Communication. >> or I mean you my love my care and all of or him.
(08:37) So he will know he or she will know the pain. I mean you are silent. They will go through a lot of pain. What they are going through. One question You want to let go the silent Why are you crying about it? >> True. >> But they will go through a lot. They will question themselves. They will think what they did wrong. They will not know how to reach out to the partner.
(09:05) >> It's going to affect the relationship. >> You love him or her. >> Oh. >> Now that you are dividing it. Now that's going to play They they get anxiety attacks, panic attacks. They will stay. >> Mhm. >> Most of them sometimes get depressed and all. I'm not saying the other person who is doing stonewalling is also happy.
(09:25) Why are you You have process So you better Now these are certain grounds where people go through a lot in terms of their mental health. So up all they will feel Mhm. I think now these are the cases mostly that come because there is misunderstanding issues and they are there. And they're not understanding why the person is behaving like that and they if we and then like if there is a joint family set up or anything.
(09:59) I could have good words being said. Verbal abuse can be awesome. Mhm. We are not going to get up in the morning and do certain chore and then Yeah. They expect that you know even today if it is somebody is working if they work you get up in the morning 5:00 and One day you are late even no matter you are working till 11:00 and You are going to argue to end the relationship.
(10:22) You are going to be lonely. But they don't like it. Mhm. See these things went on olden days when our parents and grandparents generation those things were at least okay and more where you know you will not say that you are cheating on your parents and you are going to do so. Your siblings need to be in my life and you Mhm.
(10:38) You know this and that. Now if you are who would want to hear all that because both are working. We are all educated. Yeah. You don't want to trouble your parents over something. Now these things that you know constantly constantly insulting, belittling these play a lot with their mental health. Mhm. They go through a lot.
(10:56) They trauma They get so traumatized. So now these grounds low what kind of proof also they can also acquire. If they come to us we tell them sometimes we tell them how to work about it or you know what kind of uh next steps you can take or sometimes we get both the couple and all. Sometimes a family counseling session also out there that you know you love to she's getting affected.
(11:18) So majority of the cases they will understand. >> How how open is the other spouse? You know with who is actually mean on the example like you know stonewalling just to know spouse everything on the road. How open are they to come down you know understand and then you know, sit for counseling, work on their marriage.
(11:36) Uh The percentage of you know, clients like that. See, how open and they would be some you know, uh inhibitions that they won't take while they're good. Okay. So, sometimes we try to speak or we say that just let them come once and talk. And then it depends on how interested they are to work on the relationship.
(11:58) That is the key to it. If I am interested to work on it, but still think the other person is wrong, but I want to work on the relationship and save marriage. Though with inhibitions and all also, I would come and sit. So, that time when they get to talking, they will also realize that okay, that is how we make them also understand what is going on.
(12:17) And like I said, the other person is also not really happy Now, what are their points? What are their ex- pectations? What are they going to come up with? What are they going to And what is leading to it? Right way of dealing the issues. Conflict resolutions in a better way. That you know, this is not how you actually communicate with each other or answer your issues in a better way.
(12:44) And you should be When they come, usually we make them sit down, you know, have few sessions and understand and sort out. When they do this, we see there is peace in the relationship. There is you know, they better maintain it a better cordially. >> Okay. >> But some if they're not willing and no none of them are willing, they are not cooperative at all.
(13:05) I think then the next step would be they would be reaching out to you know, you guys. >> Yeah, because you know, there are certain mindsets where they feel like you know, a third person is involving in our marriage. And you know, they don't know anything. For example, court given them divorce file just now put it to court.
(13:23) Court actually sends the case for mediation. Mediation get a first start. I could have got we see couples you know, where I think up until one of them are telling everybody to separate and then I could watch you know they are always told by somebody from their side like you know the girl's side the boy's side who went to the mediation key but make him call me and then I you tell that you know I want all these then only I will give you a divorce a lot of mediation is going on honey not a proper counseling counseling you know where they want to work on the marriage.
(13:51) So that inhibition is continuing and we are not able to break that trend as you know what I personally feel. >> So if someone is coming to you and reporting that you know I'm being mentally abused and I want a divorce and all and then what would be your next steps? >> We would first ask them you know we'll make them sit down we'll ask them like you know like when did it start and then you know like what is the form of abuse that you are >> their entire story.
(14:16) >> story. For example like maybe like you know she's a working lady and and then yet she's being told that you know like all the amounts which are earning you know your finances has to be taken care by us. That is also an abuse in the form of both financial and mental because she's entitled how to spend her money but she's being forced you know on one name or the other.
(14:38) I don't know indirect going on it is for our family money life insurance cut them all my pillow cut them all my cut them all my pillow. So you also give your money you contribute to it. So it becomes to an extent that even if she wants to buy something for herself that particular 5,000 rupees also though she's earning 1 lakh per month she'll have to again ask that 5,000 from the husband or the in-laws again.
(15:01) So continuously life is like you know a case I might be she has been like you know she was not able to understand you didn't tell me I want to just let me know what I want to do and what I want to do money what I want to do they are asking me a reason that why do you want to spend that 5,000 and then after they convince they are giving her the money.
(15:19) So she's like I can't do this anymore. >> legally if they intervene we intervene starting You know, and we will draft or something or you know, note to them saying It is legally correct cargo. I'm entitled to keep her own salary anything. Would not work out. If anything did you see that? >> Initially there are two things that can be done.
(15:58) One, when the client comes to us what we tell is that you know, have you discussed this issue with your spouse? It's just you know, 15 minutes or you know, 20 minutes for me. I'll sit down. I'll take information from the client. At least before you decide to take that step that you want to get separated. Did you express it to the other spouse anything? That's the question we ask personally.
(16:26) Then second thing I think I ended maybe we talked but there is no change. And now I have come to a point where I cannot stay in it because it is suffocating and she feels tired. I'm going to genuinely go out to the pool. What we ask them is that Are you planning to file you know, a divorce case? Then we suggest that you know, You stayed for a certain time together you will know that you know, which is the point where you have to stop.
(17:02) I need to call any cases low even mutual resolution will not happen. Because for some reasons you know, Check up with the company dowry exchange and I'm happy. In the form of gifts exchange I am happy. There are a lot of other technicalities that come into play. So, the guy's family will be like, "No, we will not give.
(17:23) " The girl's family will be like, "You know, If mutual resolutions fail, I think the only step left for her is to go for a contested divorce. It's like mutually I would like to ensure it gets ugly. Yeah, but they do have a remedy and they can always file for a separation. There is also a concept called judicial separation. But, in case you know, there are disturbances that are going on between the two spouses, they can approach the court and they will they can tell that you know, like we want to go for a judicial separation. So, the court will
(17:57) give you know, like okay, 1 year time. You can stay separate. You don't have to be in contact with each other. If you have children, there will be certain clauses, According to those conditions, you will be taking care of the children. And court putting time 1 year of 1 year after that also, if you are intending to go for a divorce, then you go for a divorce.
(18:23) Later, in that 1 year span, you have decided that you know, that you want to again get back into the marriage, get back into the marriage. But, this concept many people tell you. Then I will tell them in the society what other people think about me. Like now marriage I will not be able to take care of it. And that thought they will not go for such things.
(18:41) Okay, but that is also an option to consider. Yeah. Yeah. So, in that cruelty which we talked about earlier, in continuation to that, there's the other ground of divorce, adultery. In that many little cases are coming in adultery. It is on a rise. I don't know for what reasons. I'm not even gender specific.
(19:03) Both the genders are coming to us telling that the other spouse is cheating. And I'm not really sure, but there are terms like you know, micro cheating and macro cheating and like psychological terms only on my So, maybe some people need if you can just tell me how do you deal with such clients and you know what are the consequences? We want to get into some agreement and that to us do both the spouses actually agree to such things near a psychologist? I'm holding >> If they're constantly divorced considered system mostly they're not
(19:39) come to us. Okay. If they are coming to us chances are they want to work on the marriage or they want to know if they are taking the right decision. Okay, let's just see. Am I taking the right decision? I don't know what to do. I'm confused and the topics are so complicated it hits directly self-esteem issues either of the partners.
(19:57) So, it feels self-doubting you want to start you're seeing that you know one of the partner is cheating and then I know it will start within. You know and then you know what you could do because this is not or I just got financial issues I can talk to four other people so this here what happens is they will come either for a direction or a doubt clearing or anything decision to go in they come back they want to work on it they want to remove this episode delete the episode I know we want to delete it and work and it is not easy.
(20:38) It is not easy. I'll tell you it is not like you know flower pot crack it you want to still keep flowers in it and you put the tapes and all visible only. Yeah, it is going to be visible. So, that's why it this is called as like you know it's a huge blocker. And then is it safe to say that certain signs on time where you know that a person is getting into a extra marital space and cheating recognize cheating and then on time and then on time.
(21:09) >> Signs on time chances are like >> is how they get caught. >> Mhm. >> Everybody gets caught. >> Mhm. >> Everybody gets caught. That is how they come to us and you know second part they come to you guys when they want to end it and they do it and they do it and they do it and they do it and they do it and they do it and they do it and they do it and they do it and they do it and they do I don't know what a version where while you just randomly you know on the social media apps >> Mhm.
(21:30) >> or they dating apps you dating apps with their chatting while chatting randomly with other people and all the spouses you know when they're not seeing and all you choose it >> Mhm. >> This is also for them if it's the first time first time I don't choose that you know your wife or your husband is chatting with somebody all the things and all it will not be a friendly chat let me tell you that very it's not be a friendly chat So I will choose also they'll be very much confused it'll first they it'll turn out into a huge
(21:56) fight up at the God of all the day then they'll think about it and I love you Again if while I got a huge and pitching up to they don't want to trust the other they'll come to that to see a lie tell us what you want and then go I need some somehow the process it they talk about it if okay let me talk about this and then change up down and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up
(22:21) and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and They'll defend me and say let me do it and go It is this is normal and I need chatting I just want to you didn't get anything to do with that issue just to know I need huge issue out of the I can already talk to you just talk about that you're defending it goes back to me and I talk about like you know defensiveness one which I said is like one of the precursors for divorce you know I could you already talk to you just talk about
(22:47) it and I love you money you might want to chat and I love you money And while I talk about you and I love you and I love you and I love you Now I don't want to talk about you Then I don't want to if they're not working on it The my can break later you realize that boy and me if you say good or let us sort it out and work on it.
(23:09) >> But how does the trust again you know develop? >> It will take time but let me tell you in the coming trust 100% you learn the incidents and 80 70 can you put on the you lost that chunk of 30 40% of going to I need both of you. No nothing no matter what you do I am on top of China block of trust. When I get this gorilla in relationship though.
(23:33) >> Got it. >> Even if it is like you saw it is China micro cheating in our discount or really ongoing affair not just on company. Tell someone that colleague told a friend told a ongoing affair not just on company. I do you got caught. Now being told this is even more huge for them to come out of it first of all The other partner in the digest just going to confront you see go to just to do by the ground while I can huge.
(23:59) You don't you bite the watching time but when the relationship on the level you pull out a lot of internal block. Third comes to should I trust this person again or not and I thought factor in the garden. First we lay because I might be your heart rate that is the one soul holding both of you together at the bridge. A bridge but I am you broke the bridge you are having a long term affair with somebody already a wife or kids and all our husband and kids and all in the owner.
(24:26) It can apply to either of the genders like you said. I put into nothing it just not good. You broke the main holding factor in the garden. >> They are fancier you know terms which we see these days like you know the reason why person cheats on the donkey. And he and I say wife or the husband is like giving a certain protection or you know name in the society.
(24:52) Where is the girlfriend or the boyfriend whom I will have outside? I will not go out kicking to narrow while I will I am able to be myself. >> In short it's like you know I needs in Yeah, I'm meeting my unmet needs. >> Yeah. >> Either you know then that you know this is not working it upon you to let them to work on it. You work on it.
(25:11) Make options only. You are doing all these things society key and don't keep on that we will money what you I want to work on marriage now and I don't. I need why to take that detour and tell me don't take detours. >> Yeah. >> End of the day it is divorce working to be on the pool lawyers get in I know we can buy my sister I want to work on my relationship my wife or my husband lady problems in our way.
(25:36) I can tell you already existing problems getting better blocker. >> I don't. >> You are telling that you have problems in my opinion. You took a detour. You messed it up in short. Money in the in another huge problem that you've created for yourself. You want to match people in this water is bothersome here and there. They'll think that everything should go back to normal.
(26:00) >> I think >> know set up all. I think what we hear most from the clients is that not watching sorry to tell her madam. I didn't want to tell you to tell her but I don't see a change. Hmm. So I can't do this anymore. But the other person spouse will come to us and that husband will be like you know I am just not going to tell her again.
(26:30) I didn't tell her I didn't tell her. So I'm like so what do you actually want? So like they don't want to get separated but they can't be together. I think it will take like I said it is going to take a lot of time. I don't know you want to hold back everything at the time you want to tell her don't know.
(26:46) Children don't know financial dependency social name you can hold back So because they are there and you hold back don't know then they can see the changes. They don't want to give a second chance. You cannot build broken trust. You build it overnight. I don't know. This is like anytime overnight You shattered.
(27:25) You broke the other person. Open if it's not working. Tell them not working. You know, I would like to do You work on it or you You don't want to live together. Do something about it. This is a pure choice. Cheating is a choice. I'll tell you it is not a mistake. Slippery I slipped and I fell down. You did it. You jumped. >> into it.
(27:51) >> Yeah. >> You chose it. You jumped into it. So it is like that. You took that decision and then you think that it is a mistake because of these reasons. No. Whatever I made needs are there, you know what it is. It is like you know if it's a job also. Job means you are not getting a salary. I'm unhappy.
(28:12) What do you do? You either upgrade yourself. You don't want to do that. You just want to do that. >> Yeah. >> Salary >> And I think money issue though Of course the circumstances of the case are very different. But Supreme Court told that you know Women were given that position in the society. Okay. She's somebody who needs to be protected.
(28:41) You know she's not somebody who can take her decisions of her own. So that is why everyone can have a It is a mistake of the man and it is not >> Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. Mhm.
(29:28) Mhm. Mhm. Yeah. Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. Mhm.
(30:20) Mhm. Mhm. Yeah. Mhm. you go away you don't do you be the judge of it. We can only explain patterns. We don't give decisions out. So up to also it take some time. Now you're emotionally child overwhelmed and you can take some time and see how you're feeling 1 month 2 months 6 months then you take the decision okay practical or emotional decision it's your decision up to and meanwhile start working on relationship
(31:05) and see. Immediate decisions and if it was a multiple episodes and five times six times or four times or got caught a same person or like with the same patterns or then obviously they will skip the counseling part and all and they will you know go to the >> And the most term which I heard from you know the clients who come to me is like they call it casual flirting.
(31:30) So we don't intend you know to do something with that person. It's just a casual flirting we do with them be it in the way we talk to them or But that is not something the other spouse can understand it. >> That still I will say consider it as cheating. But the cheating or cheating or cheating or micro or macro actual or not.
(32:07) Still like I said there is ethics morals in this relationship but it is not that you're giving that person money. I like it better than that. You are actually flirting and then what are you saying you're looking nice or you're telling some other guy or a girl you're looking nice you're this you know dress about constantly with what intention? >> Yeah.
(32:29) >> Intention empty. Action got to be anything else. Those texts are the ones you can see the behavior is showing that you are interested. Correct. So that is also not correct. >> Yeah. >> No. The partner will get affected. >> Mhm. >> You are praising a guy in front of your husband or your boyfriend or you're praising a woman in front of your wife or girlfriend or anybody.
(33:06) >> Mhm. Now there's something wrong. >> Um >> So when the partner is cheating the other person may do something. They will go through depression or anxiety. >> Mhm. >> They will be anxious. And I mean you should choose to choose to choose they will either go to depression. So this is like a mental abuse only. >> Yeah. Just to stretch a bit if at all we
(33:52) add in kids into the picture. >> Mhm. >> How messy it becomes you know for them as you know to preserving their childhood and everything and the customer all they are seeing is the negativity around them. So how do you work on you know such cases when you know there are children involved? >> So if it is getting chaotic at home while you are telling me they have no idea what is going on and in the environment cordial going on like in the fight just going to bite and fight just going to kids are unaware of the situations then we say keep it that way.
(34:31) You take the decision, we need to keep the kids away. While Tell them kids to get it together. Choose the parent. Choose the parent they will say or I'll take the parent they'll say if the kids are better than older ones above like you know 12 13 This one will know right what happened. >> Yeah. >> Now they'll be angry also on the parent.
(35:10) That you know so you chose that person if the chaos is there kids also help on them. Either you bring to us or take them separate school counseling so get them also help. They'll make it about themselves child or something. >> Because I'm sure the peers also it issue that I want to leave So it will definitely affect them.
(35:47) We will guide them on you know how the custody has to take place. Okay visitation and all until they leave. Custody of the kids until they leave and then guide them on the way. The childhood you know preservation and they It is not I think you know our forte yet. >> Yeah. >> So we can be empathetic about the situation as an advocate but we will not be able to guide what is best you know in terms of custody.
(36:14) >> Yeah. >> and all >> Mhm. >> because while I think about them in general also If there is chaos, there is disturbance. So, long run of what kind of decisions they take? How are they working on themselves? It depends on all of those factors. Neighbors, friends, extended families, even more like they are going to be a factor here.
(36:53) When a decision is going to be a second chance, why? Exactly. I'm seeing changes. This person is changing. I'm going to consider just going to go to go to go. It It feels insulting for them also. They want to get out. Kids, parents, extended families. So, that is a factor there. But, yeah, adultery, cheating, and all.
(37:39) They play with mental health and it affects them. So, if they are unable to cope up with it. They will consider uh separation cases. But, child suddenly they try to work on it and I I did see marriages that are successful after that also. After these episodes also, I've seen successful marriages that are running over the years.
(38:04) >> Does this depend on like the financial status of the clients? And if you do Okay. Upper middle class or you know, middle class. Allah. I mean basis of matter >> Like I mentioned, it would be successful in a way that they both are happy together. It is not that we don't know anything about it. Either way social uh e-factor social factors going to be money cut to They'll make it work.
(38:31) Irrespective of they'll make it work. >> Intention needs to be correct. >> Yeah, intention to work on it on a pool. They'll make it work. They'll be happy together. Money comes in the demo travel J demo being happy raising kids well. >> [clears throat] >> Okay. Mental health issues and not like to uh the term called disorders is what we hear mental health disorder and it is only curable only incurable.
(39:00) I mean even if you Google that is what Google says that if you are curable if you are not curable and you get uh terms like schizophrenia or psychotic disorders and you get the way they want to I want to personally also understand severity and even when I'm a lot of the time and you get the way they want to I select test on time and you get the way they want to How can a person know that you know I'm going through it and you >> So the to answer first one will mental health issues impact relationship and the answer is yes. And you can take you are
(39:30) not being yourself. Money came out of the house to process out the car with the way they want to We are not able to manage ourselves. It is relationship and I put in your putting efforts to bond with other person kind of Take care of the other person. Take care of the children and all. I'm going to get the difference on the way they want to I'm going to get the difference on the way they want to get the difference on the way they want So how to determine test and all and then There are tests for it.
(39:52) Mental status examinations all kind of diagnostic tools and tests on time. So over relationship on the way they want to get the way they want to get the way they want to get you know my partner is behaving erratically. We knew money issues came out of the way they want to get the way they want to get the way they want to get the way they want to get the way they want to get the way they want to get the way they want to get the way they Behavior low mark behavior is a problem to us.
(40:13) If they bring along sometimes they accept the money if it is a diagnosable one we tell this is it. We ask them conduct tests and all and there will be if there is a disorder per se like you said, psychiatrists can prescribe medications, treatments, and therapies. I knew one day. So, but then it comes into the picture that if it is huge, if it is ain't it the most of the mental health issues are manageable.
(40:37) You need you'll put medications, therapies, and all you manage. Complete cure It is like you know severity, complexity of the mental health disorders. Psychopathic disorders or psychotic disorders or bipolar complex someday ain't it that Now, in these cases marriages will definitely get affected. So, if the partners are supportive, family is supportive, they will support through the medical treatments and all of it.
(41:08) Still, relationship can be shaky. >> I think is it safe to say that such disorders are incurable, however, manageable? >> See, usually incurable like I told you cure and completely and it goes as episodes and episodes and like you know you're treating if you do over medications they see you 6 months 1 year and all of it.
(41:33) All the symptoms can come down. Sometimes it can come up. Sometimes they can maintain well with it. You're making lifestyle changes. You're following what your doctors are saying and you're maintaining through it fine. In terms of physical health it is also similar if somebody is getting terminal illnesses. Sometimes we can't do anything.
(41:54) Doctors will take it like this. Most of the times they'll do all surgeries what not and all. This is also similar like that. We need to manage. Can you empty enter impact because they are mentally unwell and impact will be there on relationships. If it is severe, impact will be there. But again I also wanted to ask you one question.
(42:15) In case of the complex mental health disorders, will you maintain your life with both of them while in your life with a family maybe and you So, if if it is a man or a woman or a fit and they think that make divorce it shall you and I can do and I can do most of them are getting married. They'll consult a lawyer, right? >> Mhm. >> What do you do in that areas? That they say if you do my wife or my husband get diagnosed and you I can do whatever you do and I can do whatever you do and I can do and I can do and I can do and What would be your next steps?
(42:43) >> So, just like cruelty and adultery, even incurable mental disorder is a ground for divorce. But I don't think you know misconception and you know and I don't think you know I don't just want to leave you with a doctor that you can go to clinic or maybe both of them and then you leave her and you tell her my name is and I don't think my name is and I don't think you know and I don't think you know and I don't think you know and I That's not true.
(43:08) To ensure that you know it is mentally incurable, maybe you can mention that you know it has to be tested properly. It has to be diagnosed by a psychiatrist who knows that you know that it is incurable. >> So, proper steps of diagnosis >> Then, yes, they can do they can just take that certificate and then they can go to the court and they can file for a divorce.
(43:28) >> Okay. >> Court also will grant divorce in such cases. But there is a second case where we are not doing they are having a psychotic disorder. It's a complex disorder. But the spouse hid it from the other person before marriage. >> Before marriage, like okay. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> That is again you know the court you know will not be like you know okay.
(43:48) You can tell her and you can tell her and you can tell her and you can tell her and you can tell her and you can tell her and you can tell her and you have to tell your spouse that you are suffering from something like that and give them an option of you know being with you. You know I can tell her and you can tell her and you can tell her and you can tell her and you can tell her and you can tell her and you can tell her and you can tell her and you can tell her and you So, you know I can tell her and you can tell her and you can tell her and you
(44:08) can tell her and you can tell her and you can tell her and you e-complex disorder on a munchie and I can send to me but it just could not lay down and it first choose call. Second thing, I don't know if you force just like that only I don't have disease and it is only and I don't check it. The other spouse can information on the leader before marriage.
(44:26) Third thing, okay, they had information and then you know they got married. Maybe meet and I don't know there are times when the person is being you know conscious and in that conscious time he has given a consent to get married. So, third thing now they want to divorce. Yes, they can happily divorce.
(44:41) There is one thing I want to throw in this also. If you do there is someone that is important and and they know about it. They hit it. They got married. Now the spouse found out. He did I ain't that they can now she says that I want to get a divorce. How would you what is actually cruelty? That is actually cruelty.
(45:04) You know the purpose of getting into a marriage is that you know you will lead a conjugal life which also involves you know being physically active with your spouse and then you know like you know for the purpose of procreation. Okay, for some reasons you're not able to have children is different but the purpose of having or being in a marriage is that so if if we are able to prove to the court for example what we are going to state in the affidavit that I've been married for an year.
(45:32) However, you know there was no conjugal life between us. We have not participated in any form of you know sexual activities between each other and shipping them blasting up with you. There will be a potency test you know that can be ordered against the partner. And if he fails in that potency test and you know he comes out as impotent that means that you know what we have claimed is right.
(45:56) So, you will be eligible for alimony. You will be eligible for compensation and you will also be eligible for damages that has been caused due to you know, the emotional trauma and, you know, the physical trauma which you had to go through. >> But, should they go through this uh typical divorce process or is there something that they you know will null and void like a marriage they say you know the >> It's It's a difficult to prove and they put it on you.
(46:19) Are they important like a pain killer initial stages of marriage within 2 months or, you know, or say within like a week or two you're able to know about it. >> Then >> at least, you know, you can work on something. But, you have stayed with that person consistently for say a year or two and then somewhere, you know, the doubt of are you okay with him being that way also? >> Mhm.
(46:38) >> Is it like, you know, you're understanding that I have accepted my uh my husband can it will all not do and accept you say so not him problem later. We may adoption this call and I'm going to know more. I'm keeping on and I'm going to be such couples are happy. There are couples like that. >> Yeah, yeah. Yes, yes, those are there.
(46:55) >> Yeah. >> So, in short, it's like first 1 month 1 week initial days days when you tell them >> Yeah, then we can get into that process of, you know, okay, fine. This was hidden from me and I got to know about it and I want my marriage to be, you know, void because, you know, I've been cheated.
(47:14) The purpose of getting into the marriage only and I'm cheating. I ground I don't know what I mean when I at least examine you too. But, I'm going to be on time 2 years on time. Don't tell me what to watch if you put on an important Okay, it it will be like proved and then, you know, you will get your damages compensation on time.
(47:33) Can you tell me what were you doing for those 2 years of time? That means were you okay with it? >> Sometimes it's not okay also. Sometimes they'll be giving it a try. They'll work on it. They'll go for medical treatments. >> Exactly. Exactly. >> Uh you know, I don't know. You got it. And it is like, you know, marriage marriage mark a time understand each other.
(47:53) Work on various So, that is if I'm roll reversing that the side and going to after that they found out that the girl cannot have kids. >> Yeah. >> And they say that on these grounds can they come and say that we'll give divorce? >> same. If she is having some problem before marriage, say for example for some reasons in a case make example she she had a surgery because of which her uterus had to be removed.
(48:16) So they hid it from the husband and then you know they got married. I never just couldn't do with the fun hope that I never just couldn't do with the fun hope that I will have a family life and she said I didn't give this information you believe it. They got married. Later after marriage two months three months first they realized that she was not getting you know her cycle which was happening that the in-laws actually observed it.
(48:45) The mother-in-law observed it. Second you know like you know okay fine she's not getting pregnant also because you know that is what they ask her like I don't like that I like this one too. Slowly in the fourth month or the fifth month then she told him No I cannot have children. The reason is that for medical purposes I had to undergo this surgery and she said she had been doing Now what is the state of the guy? Like I never took a number and I didn't want to believe me that it is all shattered.
(49:13) He was like hopeful that you know I will be in this marriage. That is equivalent to you know like you killing a person you know in terms of the cruelty which you know he's he's facing. >> It will follow the same divorce process. >> Same same you know damages. >> Yes. >> So the process it will do it is >> Yes. >> somewhere same.
(49:31) What if no medical process and all and just like that they want to divorce because later on some issues and uh If it is all if it is just personality differences I would always suggest that you know you talk to each other and then get mutually divorced. >> But it won't fall under cruelty of putting her. >> Because they They definitely sometimes you know they didn't want to do What happens is they put her I will get the cases and watching up with clients and all they will threaten them and all that. They will threaten you know I'll
(49:57) put case on you. I'll file case on you. I'll police complaints is if it was hidden like you just said voluntarily hidden the thought was there hidden and then I don't know what you call it after that due to medical reasons something happened we cannot say it like you know it's going to be cruelty and all and purpose will be and all that.
(50:19) >> Yeah. >> That actually I think somewhere like addictions also how addictions also said sometimes they pick up some kind of an addiction after a few years of marriage also. So if addictions again like I asked you because these also are a lot of cases that we get and all they get addicted to gambling or alcohol or something and they want to get out of the marriage but at the same time person the husband or the wife or they're not ready to financially support or anything.
(50:49) So what would be the next steps after that? Because see in this scenario if it is like a husband that is addicted to alcohol wife is a housewife children and all and all after some period of time he's so addicted that he's not doing anything but he's got properties and all and he's saying I'll not give divorce also I'll not give you money also.
(51:05) Now when there is a severe addiction at home people will impact and all and all used to do that what is happening. Now if she has to fight so she can she come to you guys and tell that this is on the ground. So what will be the next steps? If she decides that my financial support government and kids are getting affected in this marriage I want to move out this person is so fully addicted.
(51:27) Now as a lawyer how would you deal with >> Yeah I I think to answer to that I'm sure even you will like you know support me to an extent on this that you know addictions and all overnight I think we cannot change them. So what are the options and all there are now you know we have so many laws where we can actually ask for certain reliefs.
(51:49) So, are the residents order of what you and they for example she's not feeling safe to live in that environment. Okay. So, we can approach the court and we can ask the court that you know, see I am not interested in getting a divorce immediately. But I do not feel safe staying in this house. So, you know, you provide me a separate residence for which he will pay a rent and I will be living there with my children.
(52:12) That also she can ask. Second thing empty and then I don't know what to do. Because he's not able to you know addiction program can I join she can take that time to understand you know that she wants to go for the next step of divorce or she wants to work on it. Not that I'm in the end and I can work to get anything later.
(52:31) >> I want to talk about the first option. first option key Did you see that they there were cases where that happened because if that is the >> actually coming and working on the marriage. >> No, the first case where they would ask them for a separate residence. would be and then these people paying for it. Because sometimes because they don't do to because I know the person is addicted but these people will be loving them, right? So, while I can understand they might put them in the they don't want to forgive what's the reason of divorce or
(52:58) anything but they don't want to go The first option sounds like something but most of them I don't think they know that option, right? >> They don't because you know, they think that you know, like you know, the only option is that you know, that I'll have to go and then you know, fight and then you get busy.
(53:14) >> There is another thing also which I wanted to ask you. If you do if there is an addiction addiction only if there is an alcohol addiction or a drug addiction if it is the father of the house or the husband he's addicted. Now choose to narrow wife could problem with them wife of a way that she is a housewife financially can can support you school at all and he environment to always anybody will say this is a really toxic environment kids could be environment to be because there is chaos at home, beating, physical abusing.
(53:48) Is there a way that they can reach out for legal help where they get what they want at the same time not a divorce Any provision there? >> Uh >> Legal provision? >> So What we can do is that existing laws can I make it There is something called as a residence order. I want to remove myself from that environment.
(54:23) But at the same time I don't want to divorce my husband. So not separate enough. A residence may create change. And Then I can I can monthly in the rental page a month Japan. I will be there. He can come. He can visit, but I'm not interested in staying in the common household. And to support myself, I can file a maintenance case also.
(54:49) That's what we hear also. >> Yeah. So now that she got a residence order, she's living there separately. She's not working. Okay, she has to take care of the children. So she has spent her life, you know, doing the household activities and all. She can file a maintenance case and tell that you know, listen But eventually the relief will be there.
(55:21) >> Is this also applicable in a in a setup where joint family only and there is cruelty, but I don't want to divorce my husband and but me and kids want to stay in separate place. And they need to support us. >> This can be applied there also. >> concept applies there. >> The the wife can ask for a separate residence which the husband has to pay.
(55:47) And in many cases they will say a common household only where they will say give me a room. Sometimes they will say daughter-in-laws >> Or a different floor or something. >> They are kicked out of the house and all that. But they want to stay there and work on the relationship with the husband.
(56:05) So while you are there you can either they can ask for a separate residence or they will be like in the same household you give me a separate room. Where you know I am not disturbed and you can ask for it. >> If they are saying okay to that but they will say we will not give the kids. Kids will stay here only. We will provide because you are asking financial support.
(56:23) >> Mhm. >> And you can but will legally can you help that the kids are out of there because this environment is toxic. The kids are with the other parent. Is there a possibility there also? >> And then this comes into a different section and all that. If the kids are very young say example like 2 years or 3 years then mother is a natural guardian.
(56:44) So mother only only can be. There is we also have laws you know. Directing it. But say for example they are teenagers and all that. Teenagers and all that at that time they will know what is going on. >> Yeah, they know that. >> is going on or what is happening. At that point of time probably you know an option can be given to them that you know with whom they want to stay with.
(57:04) And I think they will say our parents at that time will understand. Okay, where they are going to stay and all that. But they will say. But in your case of addiction I am I am assuming that you know he is unfit to take care of the children. >> Yeah, if it's a severe addiction but then again like we brought about cruelty so like basically >> In that case she will again we will have to again you know file for custody.
(57:26) >> Custody again. Okay, so that's again a little detour after all. >> Yeah, a little detour. So from where we are speaking about addiction like you know residence and you know maintenance, it will slightly you know move towards custody. How do you you know deal with such clients as well? >> Addiction falls under us psychological mental health disorder.
(57:46) It's a proper disorder. So, any addiction would affect them primarily their physical health, mental health because it's a mental health disorder, mental health and their job, family, everything will get affected by it. Like you just mentioned it won't start overnight. And then it starts as a anything starts as for fun. Social gatherings, slowly it will start as a uh reward.
(58:11) Rewarding myself also that is local. Fun and you know casually share them and the cost of rewarding it going up that I'll reward myself with it. I'm happy I will do it and you might be slower and sad also I will do it. >> Okay. >> It starts slowly creating dependency in another. And dependency it's become a loop. You're in this.
(58:36) You're happy, you're relying on it. You're sad, you're relying on it. >> Mhm. >> It gives you excitement and you can enter it works in the neural pathways brain low that it interlocks into the you know the pain killing mechanisms dopamine or the neurotransmitters and all reward mechanisms you lock in key mechanism and enter in psychology.
(58:56) It goes and activates those. So, you are experiencing a kind of relief and pleasure because these substances you have to know they activate those. >> Okay. Okay. >> So, it's like you know no one gets addicted to biryani right? Because it's not activating anything in your brain. Whatever is these things which we are speaking about addictive substances they activate this neural pathway of lock and key mechanism.
(59:23) >> Mhm. >> So, similar kind of pain relief you know pleasure these centers chasing up to and over already dependency created that I'm happy I'll have it. And I'm sad I'll have it. And this is a deadly combination. So, you are nicely trapped into this. >> There is also a misconception you know on the counter drugs you know like that.
(59:49) You know be it like for psychotic disorders and like that we talked about disorders like that. All of them medical shop okay on the counter you know like that antidepressants or what you know anxiety or what you know and we'll self diagnose and use it and all misconception I'm sure it is not true but I would want to listen it from you.
(1:00:09) >> No, it is not. Psychiatrists who have done MBBS and MD in psychiatry and further degrees only these people have the right to prescribe diagnose and prescribe the medications. We can you know diagnose or they may themselves also can see their symptoms and you know use the AI and all and diagnose okay they know I'll reach out for help and all medications like that kind of thing.
(1:00:36) These this set of doctors will prescribe and over counter no and recently also narcotics and all has become so strict that a prescription and a specified dosages in those quantities only will be given. It has recently especially in Hyderabad it's become very strict which is a good thing and the doctor will write for 10 days.
(1:00:55) >> Yeah. >> Patient will buy it for two three months. They'll continue to use it money and the same medications like that that is wrong. There is specifically degree that is done by a doctor to deal with this right? It's better to reach out. So, if they are using misusing it like this they can get addicted to it.
(1:01:15) So, we say you follow the prescription you know respective dosages only so you don't get addicted. You can misuse it there will be an addiction towards that also. And we never suggest you to take that over-the-counter scan extended dosages scan those things should not be done because it can create any kind of dependency because all these things are acting on your brain, right? >> Yeah.
(1:01:36) >> So, no, that would be a very bad move. It can be dangerous also most of the time. So, those things should be avoided. >> And do de-addiction centers actually help them overcome these issues or >> De-addiction or rehab centers and all if there is a severe addictions, they do because it is run by professionals like psychiatrists, counselors, everybody help caretakers and all and you can take real money into the school and custom.
(1:02:01) If it's an alcohol addiction, you're if they are drinking from morning to the evening and when you are there doing it, they'll not be in the right sense of their mind. When they do, while you go to them and tell them all just lying down, it's a bad influence and while in a lot of the time they leave child alone.
(1:02:15) Proper treatment plans and all, they can overcome this. >> Okay. >> They can overcome this and sometimes ain't going to be able to identify this content I am getting addicted. Not help come out of it. Which is a very good move. >> Mhm. >> More than one of you to push it and get there we'll be able to identify this is going to be that I'm addicted and I'm not able to function without this.
(1:02:36) Please help me and now these people will recover quickly to their regular life because 50% of the job is that you have identified that I have a problem with you and then the other 50% help will be provided medically or support and all of it. So, healing will be faster. >> Mhm. >> When they deny poor insight and then you deny that I have a problem you want me to say it is fine only you know I'm not like that you know I'm not like that.
(1:02:58) >> Mhm. >> But that is not correct, right? These people are getting impacted. There is another like you know in gambling addiction. In that physically you might have a problem. >> I know. >> In gambling addiction also falls into the same thing. Physically you might have a problem you know what I mean? You're not drinking, you're not smoking and all of it.
(1:03:16) But what are you doing? You are spending every penny of the house. >> Correct. >> What you know I mean you don't want to double that you see. You put in the games or you know casinos or what not anything that plays with money. You're playing with money and all again. It is fun to tell them same like alcohol or parties and all. Fun to start again if it is exceeding then that it can turn into addiction.
(1:03:41) So if you are doing anything for fun it has to be minimal. I can tell you I put it regularly as I put it up to dependency create out of the day. >> But how will people know you know whom to approach or you know how can we work on these issues? >> See if someone is addicted to all these things either they will listen from family members first the spouse friends even they heard from them.
(1:04:08) You reach out to any doctor. I mean specifically you can tell them you can you reach out to any doctor beside you they'll guide you. They'll guide you okay go to this person and you. They'll guide you. >> Yeah. >> So we need not worry okay specifically not a confusion already you're going through all these things just to go to any nearby doctor tell them that I'm addicted I guess.
(1:04:30) They will definitely guide you to a psychiatrist or a psychologist or rehab centers where they can go and guide you so they can go. >> So taking that first step is the key. >> is important identifying and taking feedback under the guidance important and realizing that fun and it minimal going on to me and you're doing it frequently.
(1:04:46) Are you thinking about it all of the time then go and tell them to go. I don't know what you want to do and I don't know what you want to do. You can focus on it and you can focus on it and you can focus on You're time you're focus at a shift out of start out there and then that is a red flag. >> Okay. >> I do this.
(1:05:06) You watch me salary I'll go buy this. I can collect this quality you know double or I can collect this quality bottles or I can games I don't like it. And then I like to call it games or casino. Focus more than the instead of fun. And then she had a focus We all had it in parties and all. We are going to go to the mall and go to the market and get a little bit of food.
(1:05:28) You know what I mean? I don't like the name and the hotel and the company. I didn't get the chance to go to the thin line and then there you are crossing from this side to this side slowly. Slowly you are crossing. You need to identify before you lose control. I'm going to control the market dependency and then I put it on.
(1:05:47) I'm going to treat my granny addiction and withdrawal and all. It is a huge task. Something that started as fun will take over your life. >> Yeah. >> You lose everything over time. >> Because we are on the topic of addictions. I just want to connect it with you know confidentiality also. Because just like advocates you know we have the responsibility to maintain information of my client confidential.
(1:06:15) I'm sure you as a psychologist are even more bound you know to maintain that confidentiality of your you know clients. I'm going to go to the market and go to the market and get a little bit of food. I'm going to go to the market and go to the market and get a little bit of food. Misconception is going on.
(1:06:33) It is there and you know I have also heard from my peers and you know clients. How do you you know handle that confidentiality issue like you know with your clients? >> See confidentiality is very thick and we take it very seriously. Psychology counseling confidentiality is like the core of it. That is how that is why we say it is a safe place.
(1:06:57) Why? Because you are not being judged and it is kept confidential. It is the core of the branch. We cannot have shake that branch. It had a confidentiality and the cases we keep it except except there are exceptions where the person is suicidal self harm or they are being harmed by others there is ongoing threat abuse physical abuse or sexual abuse and there are minors and ongoing it will be they are seeing that there is a minor there something is happening like a school girl is coming and telling that you know something is going on or
(1:07:34) children the long term cases law the confidentiality will be bypassed and the intent in all the areas we respect confidentiality but when it comes to life and death like you know brink of it we will be like first let's save the person up to confidentiality because end of the day we want you alive right confidentiality comes in we want you alive up to what you know when there is threat that time we would not go announce it to anybody we would like you know we would want to speak to your next of kin your next family member that guy first we
(1:08:07) encourage them we need to first tell you to tell them and tell them it is not that we'll secretly call them and we can't we think you know let us tell them first option is that you know I'm feeling this and tell them what is you know she is feeling suicidal and all or he is feeling this or you know this and that so confidentiality like you know if addictions come into place also >> if someone comes that I have an addiction problem confidentiality and details and member parents or children we don't tell but we say you tell them
(1:08:40) we will support you that you know too much of reactions we can come we will explain it to them we will be there you tell in our presence only you tell if you are worried and you can't you will need help >> correct >> if you support them we will call them and tell them no and addictions and all we don't break confidentiality but we encourage that and we can't to break the addiction to go through this process money support cover make support cover a support cover while it tell me and challenge you They will know we will realize I love
(1:09:12) you most often tell but if the family is in different places and what tell me if you tell us abroad my pillow you know they are here and parents are there and all so we say you know we will help you through with it that you know convey information or what to say how to say we will meet you but you say because you will need a support cover me to overcome all these things doctor visits and all came you will need some kind of a support cover me encourage but then again develop your choice of theirs how they want to go about it
(1:09:44) >> Yeah I'm sure you know like at least through this people will understand that you know that going to a psychologist the confidentiality is definitely maintained but it is only breached under certain circumstances which are very specific >> Yeah severe self harm or you know harm to others in cases because it's like comes under life and death matters there it will bypass we will encourage them to say or we will mediate >> You have been dealing with all these issues I think for almost a decade now so so marriage counseling about you like what
(1:10:19) the mental health issues about you I have also seen that you know you have participated in a webinar you know and you have received a certification can you just tell me what it is about because I think from India it's not very usual that you know that we see somebody doing such things >> It isn't that common before all these things but now it is rising the awareness is rising activities are rising you know certification programs trainings everything has increased now recently we have seen also right the funds towards
(1:10:52) mental health also I think things are increasing yes sir, point of time initially but I would say one thing is post COVID. Post COVID child awareness kind issues kind of like those things are happening. Yes. Initially it was like, you know, to get the clients or to convince them that they need to continue to take help and all.
(1:11:14) It was a little bit tougher at that point of time. Now it is it's purely their choice, so it is increasing doing all these things. Abroad is the awareness better, programs better, certification courses better and they yes >> Comparatively yes. Quantum better. >> Here also it is increasing. >> Mhm. >> It's increasing. It's better light. Going into it's a better light.