MASTERCLASS On Female Pleasure : Painful S*x, Orgasms, Kinks & Intimacy I TOP Sexologist On TRS

MASTERCLASS On Female Pleasure : Painful S*x, Orgasms, Kinks & Intimacy I TOP Sexologist On TRS

Author Name:Ranveer Allahbadia

Youtube Channel Url:https://www.youtube.com/@ranveerallahbadia

Youtube Video URL:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SV6gauPoVWM



Transcript:
(00:00) Every Indian girl ever has gone through some kind of sexual trauma. >> 99% of my cases are with unwanted touch and sexual trauma. Every woman needs safety for great sex. Pleasure comes when the body is safe, not when the body's performative. >> Sexual intercourse is very different for men and women.
(00:22) Am I right in saying that? >> Women have sex for meaning. They want to see pleasure in their partner's eyes. They want to be desired. Sex in the end is what? It's your body experiencing connection, intimacy and love within yourself and outside. >> What is the sexual problem that comes up for men? >> Chasing orgasm and reference point of sexuality is only my penis.
(00:44) >> Wo. >> I once read an article you can experience orgasms that are not 5 to 10 seconds long but like a minute long. I teach how to have orgasms without even touching each other. That's the energetic orgasms. It could go on for days. >> Wow. Everything including sex toys is taking us away from natural sexuality.
(01:04) >> There's a lot of talk and information about using highintensity sex toys. Our body is made for warm, responsive, slow touch, not industrial level vibrators. >> So modern day sex toys may be harming your sexuality. >> Yes. People who enjoy sex slightly rough. What's happening there? Modernday couples base their sex life on what they've seen in porn.
(01:30) >> Yeah. I want to talk about this couple. They were in their 50s. They've been married for 30 years. Their entire reference of touch was porn. After the training, they told me, "We've been having sex the wrong way all this while." >> Wow. I'm really pumped to have this conversation. I have been waiting for this day.
(02:12) uh you're the right soul to bring us this knowledge and uh all I can say is that this is primarily for our women listeners and viewers. This is my way of giving back. Every time we open up this studio, they are the audience primarily. So Anchel Koshal, thank you for being in the studio with us. >> Thank you. It's an honor. >> Um urban women all over the world will benefit from this conversation.
(02:40) Uh I think this is going to be a very dense fulfilling conversation. So Ajel Koshel, how are you feeling? >> Good. So I'm a somatic psychologist. Uh and I specialize in holistic pelvic care. So let's talk about what somatic sexology means. Soma it means the body. Sexyology is the study of sex. So it's learning about your body through mindful bodybased u exercises.
(03:17) Now what these so you learn about sex and sexuality through your body and what are the tools you use? You use breath work, you use movement, um you use um conscious touch and sound. >> These all healing tools. Yeah, these are these are tools. So, embodiment means whatever supports you in being one with yourself. >> But I think there's also a lot of women who will be watching this episode and thinking that hey, I probably don't need healing.
(03:50) >> Is is that right or does every woman need healing? >> Every woman needs safety. M >> healing is I you know it's correlated to uh if there is a problem you need healing but here I'm not talking about that aspect I'm talking about what you need for great sex >> okay >> safety >> okay >> so the things that I tackle within my day-to-day life with my clients is dissociation being checked out of the body you know the attention leaves the body during the act of sex.
(04:27) You may you may not remember the experience at all. It's that level of dissociation. Or when they touch themselves, they don't feel anything. And there's a lot of grief with that because when you're unable to witness the beauty and you're totally in the mind, um you it it's it's like living without freedom.
(04:52) um a lot of sexless marriages because of because of u dissociation, numbness, um pain with sex for example. Um so somatic sexology uh it's a practice. See your beliefs around sex are either sex or sexuality are either given to you by society, by the caregivers or they are from your own lived experience. When we do these mindful bodybased practices, there is a continuous and the operative word is continuous evidence that my body can experience something different and that shifts your belief system >> like a stronger orgasm
(05:38) >> like uh presence. Okay. So for example, if I have a fear of sex, I fear I fear that it's going to be painful. So I don't allow my partner to touch me at all. Where is the fear originating from? The fear is the symptom. But where is the root cause in the body? When I go when I breathe into my my chest, when I breathe into my my belly, my when I breathe into my pelvis, um where is the muscular where is the constriction? >> Tightness, >> where is the tightness? Yes.
(06:15) Where is the holding? Where is the line of tension? I'm just aware that something is happening in the body and the fear is presenting itself with in that tightness. Let me bring more space to that. Give it space. The fear might have a gift. There is a gift for anything that comes into your body. There is a gift.
(06:38) Let let me just give it space and say why are you here? And honestly, it's it's mostly about they don't feel safe. They they don't feel ready. >> I have reason to believe that sexual intercourse is very different for men and women. Am I right in saying that? >> I am. >> So, it's a whole other experience for a woman, which I would never know because I have a man's body.
(07:00) Let's shed some light on this. >> So a woman when she has sex because physiologically we are different. Yeah. It takes longer time for the blood to flow in our um in our sex organs. There are different layers that it has to go into and we are tuned for warm responsive safe touch. When a touch is rushed, suddenly the body might just uh jerk or you know constrict.
(07:29) And women have sex for meaning. They want to see pleasure in their partner's eyes. And this is like we're talking about cisgender right now. Um they want to they want to be desired. They want to feel safe. So imagine a safe space where her desires are celebrated. where she's not rushed where there is the body moves with the pace that she wants to move with you know so there is a lot of what happens is that your nervous system suddenly realizes I'm safe um I can open up I totally trust my partner and I have expansion I have ease
(08:14) I have joy and I have love for life because sex in the end is what it's your body experiencing connection, intimacy, and love within yourself and outside. >> So, you're saying that for great sex, it's very important for a woman to feel safe. >> My question to you, and I would love if you could give us actionables, the question is, what kind of conversation can a couple have >> to create this situation? >> Yeah.
(08:45) So, on a day-to-day basis, everyone has a different uh experience. uh if they for example two working couples they would have had I would have had different experiences stresses blah blah blah you know meeting people you would have had other experiences I have no idea what's going on in your head we are not mind readers so when there is a moment when we feel yeah like I want some closeness I want some intimacy check in where are you you might be at a 10 I might be at a minus too.
(09:22) It's important to understand >> the how are you conversation. >> How are you conversation? >> Are you open to it because you are on the same team. We both are on the same team. >> It's not I want it my way, you want it your way. It's it's an act of co-creation when two people come together to experience safety and expansion at the same time.
(09:43) >> Just a how are you conversation. >> Yes. So there is so what I do is with couples where I also want to talk about very important thing here is the performance piece because there's so much of uh information misdirected information that sex is all about performance or it's all about orgasms. It is not.
(10:06) Sex is not performance. Sex is experience. you know the whole the body's experience for connection for intimacy for safety for expansion that is what sex is and uh I wanted to also share like I am not that kind of a sexologist that will tell you uh try these 10 sex positions or go buy this sex toy or get the latest lingerie and all your sex problems will be solved. No, they won't be.
(10:37) It's like you're it's I really imagine like you're sitting in a car to give you an example. It's like you're sitting in a car and the engine is not working but I think hey changing the seat covers might help to drive the car and changing the seat covers, the headlights or getting a new paint um on the car.
(10:59) These are all these are performance upgrades. Sure, the car will look great, but the engine has to work. And these lingerie, getting a new lingerie or buying sex toys or doing the top 10 sexual positions are performance upgrades. The engine is attunement to self. What are you feeling in your body? Can you track your sensation? Do you feel safe? Do you feel safe to express your needs to your partner? M >> um can you slow down to actually uh feel is is your body a full yes to having sex or not? This is attunement.
(11:36) What I'm gaining from this insight is that for better sex, uh, you need to actually get into the intellectual and emotional side of things and you need to be a little more self-aware and figure what's going wrong, which is kind of taking away from the quality of your sex life. M >> once you figure the root cause the quality of your sex life will improve but also your quality of your general life will improve because this is a root cause problem which is probably affecting a bunch of other things in your professional life in your personal
(12:08) relationships etc. >> Am I right like >> uh less intellectual more embodied? So embodied is the whole being present with my sensations. So it could be because the body you know our touch it responds to variation pressure temperature breath this tracking that understanding what is happening in my body right now trusting the information that your body is giving to you.
(12:37) >> Pardon this direct question but why is sex important? >> Uh it because the body wants to experience connection, safety, intimacy and expansion mostly and also love. That's why sex is important >> because love is the most important human need. >> Yeah. It's it's it's belonging. I belong to myself. I belong to my body.
(13:03) I am sharing my body with the person I love. And it's a shared experience. That's expanding my capacity. >> You know, that's pleasure. Pleasure comes >> when um the body is safe, not when the body is performative. Mhm. >> Uh, conversely, >> amongst all the clients that you work with, >> what's the most common problem statement >> that clients present to you? >> Uh, and I believe you're primarily based out of Bangalore.
(13:36) >> So, I think it's the same as the tier one problems we see in the rest of India. Mumbai, Delhi, >> uh, they it'll be the same bunch of problems. M >> so I would love to know from you what the common kind of urban Indian woman's problem is especially >> ah um they cannot access pleasure uh during sex or pain or sex is painful.
(14:00) >> So it's either physically painful or their consciousness leaves their body during sex. >> Either the attention li leaves their body because also growing up in a culture we were never encouraged to for discovery. We were never encouraged to u touch ourselves to discover what is present underneath our hands.
(14:21) Just because uh my sex organ gives me pleasure, it's judged. It's it's shamed. So imagine like you have a friend who's constantly being shamed and labeled and criticized. Uh the friend will feel shitty. He'll feel bad at one point. He will think, "Fine, I I just I I won't uh I won't work." or an employee, for example, constantly you're you're you're sort of rebuking it, labeling it.
(14:48) Uh you're saying you're not good enough. Um you should be hidden away. At one point, that part will protest. They're like, I'm not going to work for you. If this is the association and the relationship that you want, this is a part of me. You know, my pelvis, my genitals, they're a part of me. They have their own intelligence.
(15:08) They have their own emotions. This dissociation happens when I separate it from me. When I don't allow presence to come because this is a highly intuitive communicative part of me which has a lot of wisdom. Your uterus for example is a woman's engine of creativity of aliveness. You want to feel joy in your life in your intimate life and in life in general.
(15:34) And when you cut that supply of course there is numbness that you mentalize everything. when you're just spiraling in the head and you cannot witness the beauty around you. >> Yeah. You know, I'm enjoying this conversation so much because it's such a beautiful perspective and at the same time it's so tough for me to move forward in this conversation because I'm a man.
(15:54) >> Yeah. >> And my body works like a machine. >> Tell let's let's get a man's perspective in it >> just about sexuality. >> Yeah. I think it's slightly different for different men, but um it's related to like the divine masculine for me, which is a lot about giving. >> That's pretty much what uh sexuality is for me.
(16:19) And I think I speak for a lot of my friends as well where I've had this uh depth in conversations with them. I'm just talking about the guys, >> but in the manner that you're describing what sexuality is for women, I don't look at my sexuality like that. like it's not a source of creativity. It's it's a means to transfer love. >> Mhm. >> And I know for a fact that for most guys, sex is mostly about the orgasm.
(16:45) >> It's just about that. That's the big difference. >> Yeah. >> Uh I think for girls, the sex begins right from the conversation. >> But okay. So I would love to understand cuz I would love to um emphasize more. Let's talk about the whole performative aspect of sex. Um, do you like to be rushed when somebody's touching you? Where where is your presence? Are you in your body or are you only concentrating on making your partner feel the most pleasure? >> I'm only concentrating on my partner feeling.
(17:22) >> Exactly. So when that is the thing that is the missing link, where is your attunement to self? Because if it's performance, if the goal is that I need to make sure my my partner comes, but check in with your body. Do you really do you really feel like doing this act? Is it coming from a full yes? And a full yes means that's the embodiment.
(17:46) That's the tuning in which is the heart, the belly, and your sex. >> I think I'm in the process of enjoying love and being in love. >> I think so. Ity becomes about the partner. But once your partner is in a good place, then you think about yourself. >> Yeah. So that's why the conversation needs to happen much before sex.
(18:07) That's where I come in. So for example, sex is a co-creation. It's for you and it's for me. For example, imagine if you were my partner and I so I break I separate giving and receiving. Usually we think we have to give in order to receive. It's a transaction. It's not give and that's the shadow of it. So I'll explain it even even further.
(18:35) Uh I want something from you. So I will first give it to you rather than and then I'm hoping that you will give it to me. >> Which is the case for many guys. >> Yeah. Exactly. >> I think that's how guys look at sex. >> Yeah. That's fundamentally the error >> even for men. Yes, because it's a transaction.
(18:58) You're doing this, one is doing this totally with the motive of receiving. I'm saying what if you just had to give without receiving. Separate giving and receiving. I'll I'll explain it further. That's where the aspect of consent and discovering because um in my practice what I give you is my first job is I enable you to live with safety and trust within your body.
(19:28) That means the information that is coming in your body. The second thing that I do is I give you tools and knowledge so that you can discover what is your authentic desire. What do you really really want in that moment? And you can have pleasure and connection with yourself and your partner. >> But what you really want in the moment is not an orgasm.
(19:51) >> Let's find out. So for example, when you separate, when sex is not used as a transaction that uh I want to do things because asking for what we want is fundamentally it's vulnerable. No, I may be shot down. What if I want like uh I want you to go down on me, but what if my partner says no? It's uh I don't want to hear a no.
(20:15) It feels like I might be feeling I might get rejected. Yeah. So, we may what do we do the the other thing and this is the way we've learned asking for things that we want is vulnerable. It is courage. So, we may manipulate. We may do things aa I'll do this for you then I'm hoping you will do this to me. That's the silent uh interaction or the transaction that people may engage in.
(20:41) >> Is is that the most common? >> Most common >> most most common >> I'm saying let's separate because the idea is to have a win-win situation. The idea is for both you and I. It's mutuality and that's how you also get your agency back that uh uh I can be supported in my desires and my pleasure and my partner can also be supported in her desires and my pleasure without me having to do anything extra or use it as a transaction.
(21:12) So for example this this is called a threeinut game. Yeah my partner and I are sitting across each other. We are separating giving and receiving. So in that one person only gives one person only receives and the conversation is how would you like how would you like me to touch you for the next 3 minutes this is a this is a game which is designed by uh Betty Martin.
(21:40) She's like the queen of uh consent and understanding touch. She's brilliant for anybody who wants to reference. How do you want me to touch you for the next 3 minutes? And this is an actual practice. >> Yeah, it's a practice. That's I said it's a practice. >> I honestly internally don't feel ready for that conversation. >> Like I'm like just do it.
(22:02) >> Exactly. So it's it's you're at a brilliant you actually it's you're at a brilliant stage because most men and women don't know because they're so used to tolerating and receiving touch. It's like a gift is coming to you that you have no control over. No, you have total control over it.
(22:21) It's it's something that you can request for specifically if there's a touch. >> Yeah. I I think where you're getting at with this is that conversations and exercises can assist in creating a much more fulfilling sex life. >> Yeah. So, I'll I'll go I want to go slightly more deeper. So, if I'm asking you for example, let's play a hypothetical situation.
(22:46) How do you want me to touch you for the next three minutes? And the exercise is you take out no genital touch. Just over the body. It could be just with the arm. So the partner could say, "Could you could you press my arm for a few minutes and how? I don't know. I don't know how you want me to press your arm.
(23:09) Demonstrate it." So he may demonstrate it on my arms. Then I'm like, "Ah, okay. this is the this is the way you like to be touched. So then I'll I'll touch him. >> So the idea is the body's like I'm making a clear request. I'm being heard. I'm being celebrated in my request in my desire.
(23:28) I'm building the confidence that can that I can ask for something and my partner will give it to me the way I like it. >> Can I take a tiny tangent? >> Mhm. >> It's a little male sexuality related. >> Mhm. Uh you know how women have multiple points on their body that are arousal zones. >> Uh I believe even guys do >> but the issue is that most guys think they only have one arousal zone.
(23:52) >> Yeah. >> You don't even know that maybe your ear is sensitive, maybe the back of your neck is sensitive. >> And it's something you discover as a man over time through >> through the course of your 20s. I'm talking for on behalf of urban Indian men. >> Yeah. Uh but most guys don't discover this. >> Yeah. >> All over the world.
(24:11) >> There's no safe space or there's no permission for them. No. >> Because growing up you're given so many mixed signals. Um you have to be always be prepared for sex. You must be harder faster. You must last longer for your women. Women are scared of u sexuality over toxic masc masculinity. So you have to hide.
(24:34) So there's a lot of pressure for you to exist in this world. It's hard. It's very important for for men to to really get clear about what is it that they really really want because a lot of these things about um I have to be harder faster. I have to be perfect for my partner. I need to make sure she comes is a lot of conditioning as well.
(24:57) >> It's like a sport. >> Yeah. It's tiring. It's exhausting. I I I feel like it's a burden. >> Maybe maybe I have a different masculine sensibility about it, but I think most guys don't mind that it's like a sport. It's almost better. >> But over time, when you have endurance and no rest, the body will protest.
(25:21) >> Okay. You're saying it eventually this becomes a problem. >> I mean, feel into your body. Would you only want like even a Jookovic who's like the number number one tennis player would want rest? No. >> Okay. Eventually, what is the sexual problem that comes up for men? >> Um, >> if they >> I think it's about chasing orgasm.
(25:46) >> Oh. >> Uh, and reference point of sexuality is only my penis >> for most men. >> For most men. Yes. I that's the you know larger conditioning bookish knowledge porn references through which you're like yes you have to be this master you have to have this master lingum you know the truth is first you have to be attuned to yourself >> the whole body >> the whole body >> because men um because of the they encouraged to be more in their mind and less in their body no Whoa.
(26:26) Whoa. Because of career pressure. >> Exactly. So everything is about I'm I have to detect for threat. I have to look for opportunities. I have to grow. But what is your body ready for it? Can the when the body is saying the whole sports thing I want to go go go but the body's like hey Ranir I actually want to rest today.
(26:49) I don't want to do a podcast. I don't want to do this activity. Can you just look into me and say is my body attuned? Because the body is the wisdom. You know you have your brain, you have your spinal cord which is your central nervous system but the body is the peripheral nervous system is which keeps on absorbing information and this is the wisdom keeper which keeps on giving you information of let's rest, let's talk to me.
(27:18) That whole aspect of I'm getting anxious, why am I getting anxious? because you're overriding the body's information of please let's not do this >> let's slow down >> talk to me >> that's where dissociation happens because you're not talking to the body >> if we take a practical tangent here so is it important for guys especially to communicate with the partners on this kind of a level >> so the communication before it happens with the partner needs to happen with you your own yourself yeah You have like 40 trillion cells all working for you.
(27:53) Your body is not broken. It's your ally. It's always is like I'm with you. You do whatever you want. I'm totally with you. >> All all these rules we're talking about for guys. Do they also apply to women? >> Yes. For women also. >> Same things for women. >> Same the way. So for example, you're an athlete. Breath is so important when you want to play a sport, when you want to dance, move. The same with same is with sex.
(28:17) So when you were when we were talking about understanding or experiencing only one type of orgasms which is which is through the penis I'm like let's let's slow down. Let's reel back. Slow down. That's the first rule. Slow down. Breathe into your body because breath when the breath goes into your nervous system you start figuring out yeah these are the spaces for there is contraction here but there's I feel this tinglness.
(28:46) I feel expansion here. Let's go deeper into your body. >> This is pre-ex or generally >> this is for this is answering your question about discovering arousal other than penis. >> Okay. >> Is through breath work. >> So you're effectively saying that better sexuality can be experienced and better orgasms can be experienced and a better quality of life can be experienced if you first learn to sync up with your own body.
(29:11) And one of the easy ways to sync up is through a particular breathing exercise. >> Yeah. Okay. Let's do a demo. >> Sure. Everyone in the room. Um, look at your jaw. Just just bring your attention towards your jaw. There's nothing to do, nowhere to be. Bring your attention to your jaw. If it's if if you feel there is any tension, give it space.
(29:37) Now bring your attention towards your shoulders. If you're carrying any attention, just give it space. Just drop it. Direct your breath in between your chest. If you can breathe fully, keep allowing, give allowance. Allow your breath to move in between your, you know, in between your chest.
(30:03) Go all the way into your lungs and then go into your belly. Take space. Don't hold it in. Let it take space and then go all the way down into your sex, into your base. There is nothing to do, nowhere to be. You're not shifting anything. You're just being present to what is in this moment. And just this act of noticing and bringing your attention to yourself is more important for your sex life than
(30:48) 90% of the sex tips on the internet. >> This is presence. >> It's an active mindfulness practice. It's like body meditation. >> Yeah. >> So body meditation translates to way better sex. >> Yes. M >> okay wow and this is the simplest exercise you can do so you >> it's it's just slowing down and noticing >> of course there are like we use breath work now we use breath work to circulate energy we use conscious touch um then there is move conscious touch there's pelvic floor movements that we do to kind of distribute your sexual energy
(31:31) throughout your body so that you experience the expanded state of arousal of pleasure because body will only allow pleasure if it's feeling safe. >> I'm thinking that this is a great coup's exercise also, right? Couples can do this together. >> Just sit in one place and do these body based meditations. >> Okay.
(31:55) >> Because it's a check-in and if in case you want that information, am I ready for touch? automatically that's the embodied consent that I teach in the practice. >> Understood. >> Which is am I am I a full yes or am I a full no >> got I think we've tickmarked that uh somatic angle of sex just a little bit and we'll dive deeper into different kinds of emotions and all that.
(32:22) I want to briefly move on to the world of orgasms because even now you mentioned some stuff about orgasms. >> A very like raw and basic question to ask is that can the quality slash duration slash intensity of an orgasm be increased through practices? Yeah, through somatic practices just this the pillars of pleasure which is breath work slowing down very important as I said um and in the orgasms let me talk about one thing that I want um every woman to be aware about because there's a lot of talk and information about using high
(33:02) vibrating sex toys high intensity sex toys um our body. This is made for warm, responsive, slow touch, not industrial level vibrators. >> So, modern day sex toys may be harming your sexuality. >> Well, I'll I'll I'll talk what that means. The word harm. >> Um, imagine that you are listening to music and you only want the operative word is only.
(33:40) If you're only using high intensity vibrators, it it means like you are listening to music at uh uh a nightclub volume speaker. So how can you appreciate the softness of a sitar? The body again responds to variation, temperature, rhythm. Vibrators are one just one tone. It's it's just one rhythm. So it cannot replace a human touch the regulation because a body regulates through through variations temperature touch rhythms.
(34:23) What we are doing is we are teaching the body to only listen to loud. Then it's it's it stops listening to soft and soft is where integration connection is. That's why I'm not I'm not dissing that don't use sex toys. Sure, there are different varieties, but be aware of the high intensity sex vibrators.
(34:45) I would say >> like the intense setting on the vibrator. Yes. >> That's what you're saying one should be careful with. >> Yeah. >> What happens if you're someone who regularly uses >> then you'll be only listening to that high volume music. You cannot appreciate the softness of a sitar. You're only training your body to listen to loud, not soft.
(35:05) >> Therefore, when you're actually engaging in sexual intercourse with a normal person, what happens? >> So, connection happens with slowness. It happens with u with uh um softness. But when you're only attuned to that hardwired intense experience also, you're um frying your nerves. Because understand, I'm talking from a woman's body.
(35:34) Can you bring me that vulva? Okay. Is this okay? >> Yeah. >> This is the uh the structure of a woman's um genitals or her vulva is very different than to a man. Okay. We have different structures. We have external structures and internal structures. When the blood goes into um the body, it has to go through all the structures for engorgment to happen.
(36:01) This is your mons pubis. The these are your lips. This is your clitoris. Then if you go inside, this is the entrance of your vagina. I don't know how much you can catch on this. And then inside is your vagina. This is outer structure. This is inner structure. And it's called this is called the bulva. When you only focus on one part which is the clitoris for example which is a suction toy there are lots of nerves and it takes time for the body because the body needs to lock in safety I'm safe as I said it's the body is attuned for
(36:35) responsive warm slow touch is there a right way of going about it then >> subtle vibrators use them but not not at a very high intensity but because a you will desensitize your body, you are actually training your body to only respond to something high. And the body, as I said, is um evolved for responsive, warm, slow touch.
(37:04) So, you're um actually removing the opportunity of the body to experience slowness. You're only giving it faster um vibration. What if one chooses to not pleasure themselves and just reserve their need of pleasure for actual sexual intercourse? That's fine. Each to their own or that's recommended. >> It totally depends again what your learning goal is.
(37:32) If you feel that you want a human body which um is attuned to your change in rhythm, your change in breath, you want the warmth of a human body next to you. And if that works for you, great for it. And you have access to a human body, great. Otherwise you can to you can do a mindful masturbation practice yourself by giving everything by bringing curiosity presence in your own hands and touching yourself um with that intention you know not pushing yourself going with the pace of your own body because masturbation is we consider masturbation is very um or orgasmic
(38:14) ejaculately oriented I have to finish no mindful masturbation is what we teach in somatic Sexology is also touching yourself without agenda. Allowing yourself to discover what there might be. You might have have you might experience something that you've never have had. You know, it's a it's a revelation. >> How do you go about it? >> By first uh slowing down, removing all agenda that I need to orgasm.
(38:46) When you are not chasing a particular goal, you can stay longer than you usually would on a on an area of your body and slow down. Bring your attention, bring curiosity of your hands onto that part of your body and breathe and touch yourself in different ways to see what happens, what evolves. >> But how do you know where to take your consciousness on your body? >> So you feel and follow.
(39:14) For example, if I tell you, you will know instin instinctively if I tell you reanir right now, where would you like touch? I mean, if you had to touch yourself and this is this is not a u genital uh focus touch. Where do you want touch on your body right now? >> My shoulders are really tight. >> Yeah, right now.
(39:34) >> So, if you would just put attention, bring your attention towards your shoulder being pres being bring presence on in your hands. the quality of curiosity and just in a very reassuring way say I'm here. >> Can I do whatever I want? >> Yes. But like >> stretch out >> right now. >> Yeah.
(39:55) So it's it's giving yourself permission to experience the body the way you want >> without a set agenda. There's a lot of freedom in that. >> I'm just thinking that this is such a modern uh day problem. Mhm. >> You know, perhaps women from 30, 40 years ago didn't have to encounter such problems. >> The good thing is that people, the jenzi, they demanding information around sex and they want to have a good sex life.
(40:24) Um, and they want to be well informed, which is great. Uh, the millennials or the people um of our of my generation at least, we still had the shame uh the repression and now we're dealing with modern sexuality. we somewhere in between. So the permission to express ourselves is still new for us. >> Okay. >> I would love to actually do a demo exercise with you.
(40:51) >> Sure. >> With because there's a lot of questions which I the whole aspect of understanding sex by slowing down. We have an orange. >> Yeah. >> Would you be open to doing it? >> Yeah, I guess so. >> Sorry. put you on the spot. >> Okay. Are you hungry? >> Sure. >> Okay. Okay. Let's So, before intercourse happens, I tell my clients, let's do an outer course.
(41:21) >> Don't worry. >> It's It's a fun exercise. >> Okay. >> I only want you to take one piece of the orange and place it in your hand. Like just so Yeah. Just touch it with your hand. >> I pull it out. >> Pull it out. Just take one piece and you can put the remaining piece on the plate. Just one so that it's bite sides bite sized. Yeah. Okay.
(41:51) I don't know is the Okay. So you hold it with your thumb and your index finger. How now? This is an orange. You can see. I want you to breathe into your body first. Just breathe into your body. while looking at the orange. Breathe into your chest. Breathe into your belly. Breathe into your sex.
(42:16) And you're just looking at the orange. Can you just slow down? Look at the orange with your eyes. Soft eyes. And just can you feel the temperature of the orange? Maybe if you want to put it on your palm. Yeah. And see the vibrant colors. See the different types of angles where the orange is. Yeah.
(42:42) Imagine what what this orange tastes like. >> Fantastic. >> Yeah. Just just with your mind's eye. Imagine imagine what different textures might be there. Okay. And still and and I want you to explore the orange with your hands. With your hands the different you can use the other hand. Use the different like explore the curves. Just bring curiosity to your hands.
(43:10) You there is nothing for you to do except be present and curious with the object which is in your in your hands. Okay. And now I want you to gently uh place this orange under your just few few cm under your nose. Yeah. And and don't don't touch your don't touch your lips but see if there's a any warmth which is coming from that object or if you feel any sensations.
(43:47) >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Now I want you to go lift and just smell with with deep curiosity. Just smell the orange. Take it away. Imagine what it would taste like. What's happening inside this salivation? Something must be happening in your chest. What's happening there? Is something happening in your belly? What's happening inside your body? As you look at the orange, keep looking at the orange.
(44:20) And then I want you to slowly place this orange at your uh at the opening of your lips and take a bite. the whole thing. >> A bite. Yeah. And just slow. Just Just don't eat it. Let it dissolve on your palette. Again, smell the orange again. Smell the orange as you're eating it. Yeah. Hold. Now chew. What's happening inside your body?
(45:09) >> A lot of childhood. >> Mhm. There is joy. >> Yeah. >> Right. This is how you approach sex, >> curiosity, presence, enga. Your entire five senses was engaged. M >> this is what this is the level of presence you bring in the act of sex >> like almost tripping on something through your senses. >> Yes.
(45:37) I mean because all you have is your senses. >> Your orgasm will be only through your senses. >> Gotcha. Gotcha. So all this is like a sharpener for the pencil that's your senses. these >> it's it's the foundation. It really is. >> Gotcha. And conversely, do you think that modern society with all its nooks and crannies, intoxication, stimulation takes one away from this bare minimum sense sensibility? >> I mean, I would say this is integral integral, but that's a great question because we live in a world that celebrates speed. Look at AI.
(46:22) Everything that we are being rushed and here I'm teaching you to slow down. >> Everything including sex toys is taking us away from natural sexuality. >> Yeah. It's taking away from presence, you know, it's um >> Can I eat the rest please? >> Yeah. And that's that's a very valid uh question because when everything around you celebrates speed and rush and I'm asking you to slow down, it will be a challenge but it's a necessarily challenge for your regulation and your happiness.
(46:56) >> You know the third chapter I wanted to open up right at the start was related to kinks. M >> and what some people believe is I don't want to use the word dark but you know slightly twisted aspects of sexuality be it open marriage polyamory kinks >> uh SNM >> all this stuff and how it's very often a reflection of the life you have lived before your sexual life began >> so I'm not a kink expert uh but the understanding of uh kink is it's still done with consent.
(47:34) Consent is what will and will not happen. It's such an important piece in creating safety. So my understanding of these spaces is that you create a scene where two people maybe they want to play you know create u play a character could be any character. These characters will have a conversation of this is what I will do this is what I will not do.
(47:58) So there is no unpredictability. the body is automatically in safety and then you can play. It's literally like imagine this is a playground and I have a pole in the center and then I'm asking why don't we play the chances are you'll probably play around the pole. But if I erect four different poles around the bound boundary and I say play then you can play you can go along the length diagonally ex you can um increase your range of motion with play.
(48:29) I think that's the safety piece with kink and BDSM. Uh as I'm not an expert so this is this is the safety aspect that I can talk about. I think level one about sex education is what we find on Instagram. All the basics that hey this is what masturbation is. This is what uh the differences in the male and female body are.
(48:52) >> Mhm. >> Level two is the stuff we are talking about. >> How modern day society has taken us away from our own sexual health >> and how we can fix it. >> Yeah. And level three is where creativity comes in through uh kings, experimentation, uh understanding your own body. >> Yeah, I guess there's a lot of information uh on my Instagram with respect to the second part which is about understanding sexuality in an embodied way.
(49:23) So you can um see a lot of stuff and I on my website integrated sexuality I have a ebook to help you understand pleasure in an embodied way. So you can download the free resources and let's talk about BDSM and kink. Um it's a safe space to express and play out your desires. The caveat is safe, safety >> because pleasure can only arrive.
(49:51) It's a pleasure is an allowance that the body gives you when it's safe. Without that, you can retraumatize yourself. And that's why I'm I'm very um hesitant to talk about uh kink if it's uh or play spaces if the person who is conducting it is not rooted in consent and integrity because that's where trauma can happen >> through even through kinks.
(50:18) >> Yes. Because because what happens is your prefrontal your logical brain shuts off. You're in a state of flow and violations can happen then. >> Okay. See, I'm going to ask you a question that's just been flashing in my head for a while >> because for me this is also a sexual health conversation and you're dealing with people who are trying to improve their sexual health every >> day.
(50:40) >> Okay. While the question is a little surface level, I think it'll lead to some larger insights. >> Uh I don't remember where I saw this. It was on Instagram, but it was something along the lines of 90% of women only experience uh orgasms through clitoreral stimulation >> and only 10% experience orgasms through penetration.
(50:59) >> And it's become a very common narrative as well. >> So as a sexologist, >> what's the truth you've learned through experience? >> Okay. Again, I feel it's so performative and agendadriven. uh that we let's just push back the narrative of I can only experience orgasm through clitoreral stimulation.
(51:26) Yes, because it has clitor clitoris if you see in terms of anatomy it is actually like your penis the gland. So it has a lot of nerve endings which are very pleasurable. It can easily get engorged. Physiologically it makes sense that you know it has it is the most accessible accessible pleasurable part of a woman's body with um the vagina now it's a little it's a circular tube so maybe what I can tell you is uh if you can see this pelvic model this is the can you >> yeah we gave the pelvic model a name >> Rajes go my god cuz Ana was like, "Okay, that's Betty."
(52:11) And this one is uh Rajes. >> Oh, no. Well, then you get that name. I would never call my pelvis Rajes. But >> Moan. >> Oh god. >> Okay. >> I don't I can't see this. But uh you see this opening? >> Yes. >> That's the entrance of your vagina. >> Yeah. Imagine this, which is your structure. Um this looks like this.
(52:38) Okay. And what we are talking about is Oh boy. This is the vaginal tube. >> Okay. >> Okay. Now for one, two, work um along this vaginal tube. You know, when you go up there, okay, let me just take this model. It's easier. It's a tube. So you your range of hands, you know how you how much you can go extend and use pressure in inside the vagina.
(53:20) If it's a penis and vagina sex, uh there are techniques. So it's I in my practice what I've really understood is uh while uh penetration is happening and the clitoris is being stimulated would lead to u um would lead to an orgasm but both are required with with um penetrative sex the angle has to be correct either the woman's body it needs to be at incline little lifted so the penis can enter this angle right because it's literally has to pierce through here >> and hit up >> and hit up it could be at 1:00 it could
(54:05) be uh yeah but understand that it's not possible and it's also giving men a lot of pressure to figure to go where so for example with uh penis and vagina sex Um, how do you control of course the thrusting, but how do you also control your breath for the women as well to kind of circulate the energy from the vulva and bring it all the way to rotate in her body.
(54:36) >> Oh, >> and similar for men you know these a lot of these practices are in tao and tantra. >> Yeah. >> Where you circulate your sexual energy around your body >> during the act of sex. during the act of sex and that's why breath work becomes in even yoga when you do all the breath work exercises it's an extension >> of the activity >> I I think yoga is yoga can be sex training >> yeah it could be the breath work aspect for sure it could be the base of embodiment for sure anything which helps you access more um expansion and uh
(55:13) orgasmicity in the body helps through breath work. >> So to just to let me just finish what you had asked which was about that 90% of the women u um it's easier for them to be stimulated because of of a visible uh because the structure is visible. Yeah. And it's easy to access versus deep in your vagina of course you have different areas which when stimulated will bring a lot of pleasure.
(55:43) For that you can get a training. you can come to me and I'll tell you. >> Are you also kind of saying that these 90% of women who only experience clitoreral orgasms >> can actually unlock that other form of orgasm? >> Of course, by themselves also. That's why >> that's why mindful m mindful masturbation is important because you're just touching and you're just trying to sense what is there underneath my hands when I'm touching this particular part of my body.
(56:15) What are the sens? You have to first understand the languaging. When you want to do something like introduce something, you'll say, "Hi, my name is Anchel." You know, you you will not just go and grab someone. There is a way for the body to also um feel safe with your own touch. You cannot rush the body. So, you'll say, "Hi, my name is Anchel.
(56:37) What's you know, what is present there?" It's like stay longer than you usually would when you're doing it on yourself, when you're doing a discovery, you're mapping your vagina, for example, and you say, "Okay, what is present there? Can I stay longer and feel?" Because people say, "I'm I'm getting so bored.
(56:58) " I'm like wait because you're getting attached to a goal that I'm like the whole aspect of uh being goal driven also makes you check out of the body because you are chasing a particular type of sensation. I'm saying drop that. Stay longer than you usually would. Create that mind body connection between your mind um understanding what sensations are present and then see what happens.
(57:30) Usually there is pleasure and then explore different parts of your vagina without um without a goal. Be agendaless. Be curious. I would say two things. Be curious. Be present. That's the goal of figuring out pleasure in your body. You know, the male perspective here, I' I've had this conversation with a lot of my evolved guy friends. Um, it it's it's a it's a good sexual experience for the male involved as well, for the girl to experience an orgasm during penetrative sex.
(58:07) So I would say um for the man if they want to understand a woman's body and how to pleasure her um through his penis first map her body with your hands. Understand where all pleasure exist by removing orgasm as the goal. Be curious. be present. It's like you're just navigating, you know, imagine that you're going on a trip on a on a hike and you don't know what will go where.
(58:42) You'll you'll go everywhere. Stay maybe this position there is some there's something uh if I stimulate here, she might feel something. But if I stimulate there, but always have the agenda of being curious and not not rushing. You're trying to discover gold. You'll go slow. You'll stay longer. and then wait see what happens.
(59:06) >> You've also shared a relationship enhancing hack >> which is >> for a guy understand your girl's body. >> Yeah. >> In detail. >> Yeah. But do it in a way do it because you want to. Don't do it because you feel pressured to. That's very important. >> There has to be joy in that discovery >> because it's for both. It's not for one.
(59:32) And yes, because the conditioning is so that your partner should have an orgasm. It's all focused on my partner should orgasm. Why can't you just focus on I want to experience something expansive? Can can can there also be a space where you can experience something expansive that does not lead to an orgasm? >> Can I give you my same gauge on the same can I experience an expansive thing? I once read an article.
(1:00:01) I don't remember where this was uh but it was about chi you know saying pranaki in our culture this is prevalent across all Asian cultures >> energy within the body >> yes >> okay and orgasm is also a form of that same energy within the body >> which increases through yoga energy flow now what I had read about okay was that hey if as a man you wish to experience stronger orgasms uh so for a And I believe orgasms are like sneezing, >> a positive version of sneezing.
(1:00:34) For a girl, it's like, this is what I understand. I don't have a girl's body, so this is just a theoretical understanding, but it's kind of like uh water that's like just simmering and then comes to a boil. >> It's it's different experiences. Uh therefore just from the guy perspective what I had read in this article was that have a visualization of your own sexual energy and your ownqi in your sexual region >> and at the point of orgasm >> visualize that it's expanding to every part of your physical body including your fingertips your scalp all that
(1:01:10) >> and stay in the orgasm. uh express vocally also let the chi come out vocally >> and you can experience orgasms that are not 5 to 10 seconds long but like a minute long. >> Mhm. >> This is this is >> this is a towist way of looking at it. >> Towest way. Thank you. >> This the microcosmic microcosmic orbit meditation that you can do.
(1:01:31) My thing is when a couple comes to me and they want to improve their touch skills which I do, I do a couple's training of two days where like um we have boring sex life, we want to have more excitement or we don't know how to touch each other, we only have a porn reference and it's really impacting my sex life.
(1:01:52) What do I do anchel? So I said okay come come to my training. I teach them how to have orgasms without even touching each other. That's the energetic orgasms. That's understanding sexuality through an energetic lens. >> Okay? >> And it's possible. Um, yes, it requires breath work. It requires the whole cultivation of G, it requires to understand your subtle energy body.
(1:02:19) Sex in its if if you look at its sacred energy exchange. So, how do you activate your subtle body and how do you gauge? I can so couples in in the training they start by understanding the energetic body and even seeing if that energy is inviting for them to play with each other or not. That's what embodied consent consent is that yes I want to come to come to you or I don't want to come to you.
(1:02:49) It's it starts with that and then we go into touchbased practices which is not penetrative but which is just understanding the anatomy of your uh partner's body and know how to touch. There is a difference between a rush touch and a touch which is curious, devotional, loving, intentional, >> which I think would happen naturally if your love is really bubbling on the inside >> or or you it could be just you're so attuned with your own self and so present and grounded that when you touch an object it transfers.
(1:03:26) >> Yeah. Gotcha. Um this process I spoke about that towist way of looking at a male orgasm. Is there a female equivalent of this? >> Yeah, it's the same because it go has to go through your chakra systems. It needs it's it's like circulating your sexual energy. Is there any exercise we can share with the audiences that they can >> you know there are hundred of books online if you just do tao idotic breath work or mantak chai mantuk chia has lot of free resources they can just download it and they can do it >> wow okay okay that's great
(1:04:10) >> but I want to talk about this couple >> who uh uh had enrolled into were training with me. They were in their they were in their 50s and as a gift to her husband, the wife wanted to uh experience sex in a different way. I mean experience touch in a different way. So the couple's training that I do their entire reference and imagine this they've been married for 30 years.
(1:04:40) Their entire reference of touch was porn rushed performative orgasmic. >> Did you say porn? born reference of touch was born. It has to look like this, feel like this. It's far away from reality. I need to make sounds like this. I need to make and that was their entire education that sex is supposed to be like that.
(1:05:01) After the training, they told me we've been having sex the wrong way all this while >> for 30 years. >> For 30 years. >> So, you're saying that modernday couples base their sex life on what they've seen in porn a lot. >> Reference. Yeah. Because what is what was your education about touch and sex? Who told you about it? It was films, porn, what else? School friends, >> hiding away and giggling with your friends.
(1:05:28) I, you know, and the backbench all that because it was hush conversations. >> Pardon these questions, okay? Because Rajes is right here. The pelvis is right here. And in your profile, >> yeah, >> a lot of pelvis specific uh science prevails. >> Yeah. >> In the way the the world knows you. >> Now, uh the pelvis is something that I think guys don't think of at all.
(1:05:54) >> Uh other than hey, I am into booties, therefore whatever. >> I I prefer white. That's that's where the thoughts are limited to >> an older guy who has put himself through stretching again. >> Mhm. >> The first time you begin to release your hips, you realize, wow, >> I can't believe this is how releasing my hips makes my heart and my mind feel.
(1:06:16) >> I know. >> Pigeon pose is a very basic >> Yeah. >> thing that every human should practice, especially cuz we sit so much. >> Yeah. >> Run that through doctors. Run that through yoga teachers on the show. the most basic stretch that every young person should be doing. >> Yeah. >> But I just wonder that if by opening up your hips through pigeon pose, >> that probably has a positive impact on your entire pelvic region.
(1:06:40) >> Yeah. You know, I was reading this article by Ellen Heat. She's one of the best uh I guess manual therapist uh in my opinion in this world. And she and while reading the article it was about you know how your butt is one of the most important governing role plays such an important governing role in your life.
(1:07:05) So imagine if your body is like a country the government is by your glutes the govern the glutes are your government or your pelvis is the is the government. Um I'll talk about the glutes for sure. The internal opurulator is one muscles that when you do your pigeon hole, it opens up. But you have to understand the gift of the different muscles.
(1:07:28) Um because it also is attached uh it it's involved when you're having sex, right? Uh the glutes is one of the major your pipforms, your glutes. But your anus, the anus is u has a voluntary muscle and involuntary muscles. The anus is linked to your uh autonomic nervous system which can detect threat like before you could even speak it could detect threat that part of you for example the anus the sphinsters we call it in uh to put it simply now they are called internal sphinsters I don't want to make it too anatomical but you have an internal sphinster and
(1:08:09) you have an external sphinster it's like a ring of the anus Yes. Okay. When you're not safe, no children, they just scrunch up and they make your bumps really tight. We when they can't even speak, they'll just shrink. That's the body way of protecting you. When you have active trauma, automatically that muscle will will contract and will not relax till it fa till it feels that it's safe.
(1:08:38) What happens is when there is chronic tension of course it will impact your glutes all the areas around your p pelvis and there'll be with this constriction they'll be there'll be dissociation with this dissociation your capacity to experience pleasure will diminish so it is called a genital hold that means you cannot access pleasure to that capacity >> and this is a very common issue >> it is because it's it's when your muscles are contracted can the blood go there.
(1:09:10) No engorgment, relaxation happens when there is blood flow, when there is relaxation. Yeah. When your the nervous system is at is safe. But when the nervous system it feels it's at threat or it's in danger, it will keep your the tension alive for you to be aware. >> So if there's a listener at home who's like, "Oh yeah, that's my situation.
(1:09:29) " They're suddenly aware of tightness in their bum. >> What do you do now? >> Get a butt massage. Excuse me. get a butt massage but breathe into your breathe into your body >> with the whole even like the yoga has the moola bandha um udanabha but it contracts I'm like breathing into your anus breathing into your belly it's a lot more that's why the pelvis uh if you see this this is your butt you see how the crosssections are there it's one fascia line Yeah, it's connected.
(1:10:08) So if this becomes tight, >> all the aligned muscles, tissue will become tight. >> So women who experience physical pain during sex, it's often related to this. >> Good question. Because with women, okay, so I have to explain this. >> This is your pelvis. Okay, imagine the bones are like the walls. This is the internal uh and this is called um the muscles of the pelvis which is the lvata ani >> lvata ani >> lvata I hope I'm saying it my my teachers will whack me otherwise >> is the lvata ani >> these muscles in case your >> can you just
(1:10:49) >> yeah sure >> it has your rectum >> through which um you pass your feces your anus yeah rectum It has your bladder. I don't know how to actually put this. Okay, let me just put this in a way that will make more sense cuz I want to actually ex it's understanding. Okay, working on the uh pelvis in terms of because I work in pelvic care for women.
(1:11:21) It is the most underresarched and underserved stream even in medicine. That's why I work with a lot of gynecologist because there's just not enough pelvic care for women who have tension in the pelvic floor. >> What is pelvic care? >> I'll tell you. This is the external structure of the So this is a pelvis.
(1:11:43) A pelvis consists of your hipbone. This is your pubic bone. This is your sitbone. Your bum. You can feel it. Anyone that you're sitting, this is your sitbone. This is the largest bone, the hipbone. Okay. Now you have a hammock like structure, a string-like structure inside which is like the foundation. If the foundation is and and this entire structure it has it has your anus, it has your uterus, it has your bladder.
(1:12:12) If the foundation is a weak, it drops. Everything drops. Or if it's too tight, then it will just pull everything up. >> Needs to be just right. >> Yeah. It has to be easeful. It has to be balanced. It can't be so contracted the tension. And this is the hammock which I was talking about. I'll just put it put all the organs out.
(1:12:35) >> Okay. This is what it looks like. It's a string like >> gotcha. >> muscle. H how do you work it? >> So I'm trained with holistic pelvic care is with manual body work. It's a way of stripping the muscles internally >> like a massage >> intravaginal. Oh my god. >> However, it's done in the most non-invasive way and I never touch the um I never touch the pelvis first because I call myself a holistic pelvic care therapist. There's a reason.
(1:13:07) We talked about when you have sex, there is a circulatory system involved, there's a muscular system involved, there's a nervous system involved, there's your belief and system, belief and assumptions, and then there's your spirit. Yeah. When there is trauma from unwanted touch, the body feels the world is not a safe space.
(1:13:32) When I feel the world is not a safe space, my internal nervous system will do everything to protect me cuz my body is my ally. So, it will restrict blood flow. It will contract my muscles. I will not be able to breathe easefully into my body because it's it's going it's either ready for a fight or a flight. >> I know for a fact that every Indian girl ever has gone through some kind of sexual trauma.
(1:14:01) >> Yeah. >> It could be on a tiny level also. But >> 99% of my cases are with unwanted touch and sexual trauma. >> You're saying that that one incident of sexual trauma maybe has happened when you were 14 years old. >> Yes. It's in the body. It remains in the body >> and specifically in the pelvis. >> In the pelvis, it's it could be anywhere because you see your pelvis.
(1:14:24) So that's the the entire the body is this matrix u interconnected tissue. Imagine it's it's like you know a fishnet like there is a fishnet. >> There is a fishnet which is underneath our skin above the organs. This fishnet criss-cross crissross criss-cross all over from the top of her head to the tip of the toes. >> Like fascia.
(1:14:49) >> Exactly. Fascia. This is the fascia that helps us to glide, move. It also helps to, you know, the lymph can flow through it. When there is trauma, this fascia tightens up. And when this fascia tightens up, it restricts our ease. Our movements are restricted. But the organ which is underneath the fascia cannot work, cannot release.
(1:15:14) So for example, the liver has anger. But if my fascia on my liver, if there's abdomen pressure or I have, if I have, you know, the fascia is restricted, my liver will not be able to do its job. Or if there is tightness under my abdomen is really tight because I'm holding a lot of tension. What will happen? My pelvis is underneath my abdomen.
(1:15:37) It will keep on pressing and I will feel the restriction. There will be general unease in the body >> and this unease is a that's the sumatic indication clenched jaw held breath tight stomach. These these are all trauma indicators. >> The only actionable I'm thinking of constantly is stretching >> breath >> but but for me I don't look at the body just with the pelvis.
(1:16:01) Yes, there is pelvis tension but I have to look at the your entire integrity of your body. So I have to look at your relational history. I have to look at your physical history. I have to look at your emotional history. >> Gotcha. >> If there is active trauma, I would not touch the pelvis. I would first release the trauma from the body from different organs. So that's a physical body work.
(1:16:23) And then I would bring more safety into the body through somatic exercise. And then I would touch the uh I would do intra pelvic work to release the tension. So I'll give you can I give you a few case studies? >> Yes sure. >> Most of the women who come to me have experienced unwanted touch. So there was one case study in which this woman had experienced unwanted touch.
(1:16:49) She was physically abused. She was um uh emotionally abused and had many cases of um sexual abuse from the age 3 to 13. >> 3 to 13. >> Yeah. When she from 3 to 13 when she came to me, she was um yeah, she was a young woman, a young adult. And uh the way her body had coped with all of this was chronic tension all over her body from the jaw to to her pelvis to the balls of her feet. That was one.
(1:17:27) She was unable to have sex because sex was painful and during her menstruation she she would have so much pain that she had to take painkillers and they would also not help. Now when you have such a complex case the first thing I have to do is remind her that the body is not broken all these things because most often we go into the think of I am wrong there's something wrong with me I'm broken I cannot be fixed understand at every stage your body has been trying to protect you because it it if it's if it's not giving you
(1:18:04) permission to have sex because it does not want you to remember what went through. So the body is your ally bring that understanding and trust. So trying to live with safety and trust is the first thing that that I would do as a pelvic therapist and a summatic sexologist. And then I would release the tension from the top of the head to the tip of the tooth through manual work.
(1:18:34) And if there is active trauma I would release um it's called de armoring where you open up the fascia so that the emotions the organs which are not able to release the emotion can release the emotion. >> It's like a lymphatic drainage massage. >> Lymphatic drainage massage is involved in it.
(1:18:53) But this is more uh trigger point body work where the trauma gets locked into the body. So you open it up >> like a physical massage. >> Yeah. It's uh but it's more trigger point like it's pointed. It's not it's not like a massage. So it's a trigger point therapy. >> What do you feel there? Do you feel like something under the surface? >> So you may feel pain but you just hold the pressure.
(1:19:16) Keep holding the pressure till till it till till the fat the holding it releases and then usually it's accompanied. Yeah. Which is also the same logic as different people when they get massages from the same massus they get sensitive in different body parts. >> Yeah. >> Someone's hamstring sensitive, someone's stomach sensitive. >> But this is focused on releasing trauma from the body dearming.
(1:19:41) It's trauma unwinding because it's all in the body. And I and then you would understand where the the integrity of the of the body is. You want to bring and trust me you know when you touch the body the body wants to live in ease. The body remembers its original state of being. It just rebounds instantly and that is the trans the transformation and the lasting effect cuz I see the change immediately like literally after the session >> literally because when the body comes back to its original state and there is space and freedom you can feel that yeah
(1:20:19) the body is not at that unease has gone >> and that belief system is getting and then we get into the whole in internal pelvic work that's why my sessions are long so coming back to the case study when we worked together and we worked over several sessions. Um she called me enthusiastically and said Anchel in the first time in 20 years I did not have pain with my menstruation.
(1:20:49) I had freedom. I had space. It's wild to me that even period pain can be linked to past trauma. >> It's the uterus, right? Um it's the endometrium now it's yeah it's related >> that's what your experience has also showcased to you >> menstruation uh is different it could be you have an uh you could have fibroids it could be endometriosis if you have in the body it could be ovarian cyst it depends what is linked to menstruation it could be imbalance in your hormones >> so very intense period pain could have multiple reasons one of which could be
(1:21:29) past trauma >> possibly emotionally. Yes. >> Okay. >> Um I have this one chapter in my head that's like flashing. So I really want to go there because you briefly mentioned something related to it in the first half which is sexual memory. How you remember some >> uh sexual experiences more than others. Basically if the sex is really really good you'll remember it.
(1:21:54) >> What is the ingredients of good sex? I would ask you then >> mindfulness. >> Yes, there we go. >> It's pretty much it. >> Yeah. >> And like compatibility on some level. >> Yeah. Mindfulness and the ability to be unapologetically yourself. >> Able to express your needs. Doesn't mean that your needs might be fulfilled, but just have the courage to express your needs and be celebrated in your desires.
(1:22:20) >> It's the fancier way of saying that great sex happens when you're actually in love. Uh you could be in love or you could not be in love. I mean that's debatable. >> But great sex can happen with attunement and safety for sure. >> Ah okay. Okay. It's key to everyone's whole face. >> Yeah.
(1:22:45) Well the statistics as you know they say 55% of >> the urban population is having casual sex. Hor faces have increased a lot in urban culture and I I would even argue in >> according to the statistics in rural India living relationship shifted from 0.6% to 6.1. >> Yeah. Yeah. I I was having a conversation uh >> with a friend of mine who's from Tamil Nadu and I was just talking about sexuality and its evolution in Tamil culture where >> uh everyone's actually much more intelligent than normal on an average.
(1:23:19) I've noticed this higher intellect. I wonder what that does to their vision on sexuality. So he said that he believes at least in rural Tamil Nadu hookup cultures increasing. >> Oh yeah. Living relationships also. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Living in relationships was for sure >> in rural. >> Yes. >> Therefore what's happening in tier 1 and two because we're talking about tier three and four when we usually when we say >> I think I think it was 3% to 10% increase uh in urban areas the living relationships. Yeah.
(1:23:49) >> Okay. Now, now back to the point about whole phases. Why >> does the average young person now think that they need a whole face? Without any judgment, just it's a curious question. >> I don't know. >> What has your experience has taught you? >> When I was in my whole phase, I'm just kidding. Uh okay.
(1:24:17) Like a for context, a whole phase is when you consciously go into a mental zone where you're like, I don't want a committed relationship and I just want multiple sexual partners. So what's actually >> it depends upon how you uh participate in these uh experiences or partnerships? Are you participating from a thought that I lack something and I want something in exchange? Because that will not work.
(1:24:51) But if you're coming from a mindset that I'm attuned with myself, I know what I need. I like variety and I'm completely um regulated. I understand. I can feel my consent when I want to have sex. I can say a clear yes or a no. and I trust the person I'm having sex with, then the experience is much different. >> I think in the bad version of what you explained, the one which you should avoid.
(1:25:17) >> Yeah. >> Uh that's the precursor to sex addiction also. >> Yes. Because then it can roll into that I see now there are two things. Addiction is when I need to do it because I need to function >> that I it hampers my functionality. the hypersexuality that I need to have sex because I need to work. When it goes into that zone, then that becomes an addiction, right? Are you talking about that? >> If if it's affecting the quality of your life and your work, if you're not getting sex, that's a sex addiction.
(1:25:53) >> That's a sex addiction. >> I need to do it. >> And then I think this whole face thing is a spectrum. There's people who are just experimenting. I would say is uh if it's a joyful choice choice of exploring with consensual adults that I would like to participate this and you know would you like to and in a safe way uh used condoms have safer sex conversation if the person you're having sex with needs to a check-in ask you know There is there is a conversation it is called RBDSM which is before you want to in get
(1:26:36) into a casual sex ask what is your relationship status are you single are you exploring if it's talk about what are your boundaries what are you willing to do what you're not willing to do and this is like a very jenzi conversation um safety what does safety mean to you what does safety mean if my safety can mean something different than to you safety safety a sex conversation and uh >> desires RBDSM desire is in this moment because my you understand your desires are always in the moment.
(1:27:13) You may not desire the same thing tomorrow. In this moment, I'm desiring this. Are you open to that? She may say no. It's like I want 3 kgs of rice, but you can only give her 1 kg. So, you negotiate. Okay. So, then how do we negotiate with our desires? H and >> M >> M would be uh is it messaging? I think it's after understanding afterare.
(1:27:38) What do you because you just can't have an experience and leave the person. You need to understand how do they want to be how do they want to be engaged after there has to be that level of respect given and do they need a call to check in? Are you okay? >> This is like the good etiquette way of going about a hookup.
(1:28:00) >> I guess so. But the idea is it should be a win-win situation for you for both, >> right? It's not a taking and I'll take for you. I'll take from you and it's one way. >> Gotcha. It's like foolproofing the process. >> Conscious that that's where consciousness >> comes into play >> because we're not here to moral police anybody each to their own.
(1:28:20) >> Yeah. >> But it's just a wiser way of going about it. >> Regulating you want to I mean everybody in the end what what do you want? You want to be fully seen, heard, celebrated in your desires, and loved in that moment. >> Other than feeling safe and being mindful, assume those boxes are ticked. >> What goes into forming a good sexual memory? >> Curiosity.
(1:28:48) Be be disco have discovery like a large appetite for curiosity. Be curious about what can we do? How can we play? Invite a lot of play in your life. I wonder how much of one's sexual behavior do we inherit from our own family. >> Yeah. Yes. >> We probably do on both a genetic level and then like an emotional pattern level that manifests as a sexual thing.
(1:29:17) >> How you learn to love starts with your family, >> right? When people go, "What's your love language?" It's actually a reflection of what you've experienced in your childhood. >> Yeah. M >> so how you learn to love could be how did your parents show up love to each other >> for me for example it was act of service >> totally like forgetting myself but totally doing everything for the child I brought the same pattern you know in my in my personal life in my partnership uh put myself in the back seat everything
(1:29:48) is for the person of course I remembered over time but that's the pattern that one could bring um yeah >> amongst all your uh clients >> Mhm. >> that's the right word. >> Mhm. >> Uh amongst all your clients, have there been people who've benefited off of I'm sure everyone's benefited off of it, but have there been people who benefited so much off of uh your process that they experience something spiritual through the sex life? H >> like the best case scenario of all your clients.
(1:30:29) It's an open-ended question to you. >> Another way of asking you this is in your own work, >> what's been a what's been the most fascinating case study? >> Uh well um so I have to reflect on this because I see it really is miracle. I see miracles. um in my work every day because the body's ability to come back to ease and openness after holding years and years of tension uh is nothing less than witnessing miracles.
(1:31:10) For me, I'm always in awe of the body. So, one one example, it's not related to having a great sex life, but it's related to um having pain-free sex. So there was there was a client who had been married for 5 years and one year and she had stopped having sex with her husband for more than a year because sex was always painful. So we worked we worked with her and I worked on creating safety, understanding, releasing the tension in her pelvic floor.
(1:31:44) Um help helping her identify what was the root cause because her fundamental belief was uh sex is painful. Uh sex has always been painful. I'm I'm not I don't feel safe and uh I feel something is broken because everyone else can have painfree sex and enjoy their life and I'm not able to do that.
(1:32:10) So I had to reframe her experience of her body then work on educating her by giving her all the tools where she could experience sensation and pleasure in her body. And after a few session I got a call from her husband saying thank you my partner has never felt more safe and more loved than than right now. So there was one this is what when you feel safe how much of pleasure the body can experience and I I know that you had talked about the spiritual sense.
(1:32:45) Um it's when I it's during my training when I teach people how to rotate their sexual energy uh without touching each other. Uh when they penetrate each other with their sexual energy, >> you can penetrate someone without physically penetrating. >> Yes. >> Even a girl can penetrate the guy. >> Yes. Because we are ardhaneshwar.
(1:33:05) We are both masculine and feminine. We are whole. There are practices that allow your chi to distantly interact with someone else's chi. >> Yeah, it's a really juicy practice. I would recommend everyone. >> Can you give us a brief like trailer at least of what the practices? >> Uh, okay.
(1:33:27) I'll say you have an energetic yi. I have an en energetic lingum. You have an energetic lingum. I have an energetic yi. And it's about using breath work and practices to penetrate each other. And you feel it once you activate your subtle bo energy body. I mean we don't have the space to do this. >> I'm sure there's an environment >> but but this is but when you realize that you can feel the person without touch is when there is that union you know this the whole spiritual union.
(1:33:59) That's why I I teach sex in terms of the training which is the intensive training that I do with couples is giving them an experience with that is away from any experience that they they've had with respect to sex and sexuality energetically first and then imagine that you're already in that high and then touch happens that's >> compounding.
(1:34:27) How can someone study these practices? Like where are these practices from? >> So well I learned sexuality from a neuroscience perspective but I went all over the world and learned with uh shamans um ta and tantra teachers and I feel I mix spirituality and sexuality together. So it's my mix of things that I share. >> But this specific practice does tauist.
(1:34:58) >> This specific practice uh is a mix of is a mix of thao tantra shamanism. Okay. >> Can I ask you some questions about these shamans? >> Shaman. >> Sexual shaman. That's what they used to call me. Yeah. >> A sexual shaman. But is that actually a thing? Are there shamans? >> There are sexual shamans. Yeah.
(1:35:18) So a shaman is the link between the world of human beings and the other world. >> Mhm. >> That's how I understand the word shaman. >> Yeah. Shaman. Yes, that's true. But okay. So in these practices, the temple art practices or these practices, you activate your chi, your energy cultivation. Rotating your sexual energy is tao.
(1:35:45) Exchanging the sexual energy is tantra. Understanding your energy is more shamanic. >> Understanding >> your sexual energy is shamanic because it's inter it's connected with everything the cosmos. I'm I'm I'm connected with everything in this time in this moment in this time. >> How does one begin to understand the sexual energy? >> Breath.
(1:36:08) >> Again, understanding with breath, presence, connection, staying longer than you usually would. Of course, there's breath work movement exercises uh that you could do to activate that sense of you don't have to get go into a trance to access that uh state that shamanic state of that trance. I'm just saying it's a very subtle energy, subtle energy. Um yeah.
(1:36:36) So based on your interactions with all these cultures, was there any practice that could help extend the length of the orgasm to a much larger degree than what? >> Which was about circulatory breath work. Yes, that's breath work. >> So how long can the orgasm get stretched into? Cuz I've read about these like 5 minute, 6 minute orgasm.
(1:36:56) >> They can be many. I mean uh from what I've heard uh it could go on for days. an orgasm, >> the feeling, the sensation, the circulation where you know an orgasm is on not always high. It's that it's my attunement to the littlest tiniest degree of sensation. It's like little vibration, palpitation.
(1:37:19) It's like little whirling happening in my body. >> Yeah. And there is a skill related to controlling your orgasm physically as well. what we spoke about earlier which is related to spreading it out throughout your body. >> Mhm. >> That is >> it's all breath work. >> A commonality in all these cultures that you >> breath. Breath the prana.
(1:37:41) >> Wow. >> Is the key. >> Wow. Wow. >> Movement. Okay. So, it's movement, breath and touch. >> I'm constantly trying to think of the practical aspect of all these corners of our conversation. Um, you know, we've done >> this has to be experienced. I feel >> we've done a documentary on love and we studied love spoke to psychologists divorce lawyers what basically came out as the essence of the learnings was that >> uh commitment to a single partner like in long-term marriage uh it's about shared experiences vacationing with a person u exercising
(1:38:20) with the person trying new activities etc. uh a good sex life obviously would translate to a good long-term romance. But these are all elements of what can not just be a good sex life, but a phenomenal sex life. When you learn to have sex >> also on an energy level rather than just the physical level, >> but for the average everyday person to get from having sex at just a physical level to this energy level, >> they have to put themselves through these practices that we've spoken about today. It's it's almost like a skill. It
(1:38:53) is a skill. Wow. Wow. So, level one of sex is what all of us go through in college where our friends teach us. Level two is actually understanding technicalities. Level three is where you understand sex now wholly and it's about unlocking your body's own faculties to experience more intense orgasms, experience richer experiences in life.
(1:39:16) >> It's about connecting to everything, everything and anything. Well, within and out the whole aspect of what is this body? What is what is this? What is the mystery and the magic of this 5-ft body? I can feel it inside, but I can I can also feel this infinite expansion outside my body. I'm connected to everything cuz I'm a part of the universe. It's it's it's being that.
(1:39:41) >> Wow. Gotcha. Okay. Ael Koshel. Thank you. >> Very wholesome episode. I learned so much and this may be our 15th episode on sex education but >> Oh wow. >> Yeah. I just feel like you've unlocked a whole new realm. >> Like I didn't even know these things are possible. >> So just glad to have spoken to you today. Thank you so much.
(1:40:04) >> Appreciate it. I think this episode will travel all over the world. >> Oh, >> thank you so much. >> Thank you. >> Thank you. Means a lot. >> Uh I've just picked up this practice lately. It's a creative call but it's really important for me now with every episode we do an intention setting. So uh beyond you beyond me for the larger purpose.
(1:40:29) So I really give it a lot of thought. Uh overall for the career the goal has always been to spread healing >> but I have certain days like this where I have a larger opportunity to spread a deeper form of healing. So I'm only visualizing young women >> and young married women >> and married women who are like married for like a couple of decades >> in that zone.
(1:40:54) I'm I'm visualizing these three brackets. >> And for me, whatever we talk about is just going to be like peroing food, you know, for them, >> not really doing it for the guys. >> Yeah. >> Uh >> yeah. So a weird thing I want to say is I almost want to like turn into a woman and do this episode. >> Tap into your feminine genuinely.
(1:41:13) If you tap into your uh Parvati, >> you will be. >> Yeah. So it's like my way of like giving back. That's my intention. >> Yeah. >> Now my guest can either agree with me, add to this or say that no I think we should do something else. >> Yeah. I literally I was visualizing how because in the center I think we are flame like we are the flame aspas you know people around me they will get our transmission the heat but then what about the people who are far away that need this information that needs that um hope >> because in the larger world I want to
(1:41:52) live in a world where there's hope ease joy choice with so much of expansion so so much of love and just ease >> to just live with. So uh with love for life. So let's just bring that energy. >> Okay. >> Okay.