Why Do People Cheat? | Emotional Affairs, Karma, Betrayal & Soul Contracts | Dr. Manmit Kumarr

Why Do People Cheat? | Emotional Affairs, Karma, Betrayal & Soul Contracts | Dr. Manmit Kumarr

Author Name:Dr. Manmit Kumarr

Youtube Channel Url:https://www.youtube.com/@manmitkumarr

Youtube Video URL:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbE76hsYwqU



Transcript:
(00:00) Why do people cheat? >> Cheating is something where people leave emotionally much before they leave physically. >> One or the other is still going outside their relationship or marriage. Why does that happen? Cheating is despite them feeling loved or stable. Why does that happen? And what should be done in such cases where partners don't communicate with each other and they take actions based on assumptions.
(00:28) So when people feel that they will be abandoned, they think that it's better that we abandon first. >> Is cheating related to past life karma and unfinished soul contracts between two people who have been involved? >> It's a very good question and yes, it could be related to karma. But not all cheating is karma.
(00:46) >> And how harmful is emotional cheating? >> Emotional cheating is worse than physical cheating. >> Uh and how the children are affected who witness this. But many times in most families, parents hide this from their children, but the children still sense it. It is possible for a relationship not to go on, but it is not okay to live in abuse.
(01:12) If it has happened once, it is going to happen another time. >> What is the punishment for cheating? >> They have things like ulcers and piles and uh blood pressure and all these things, you know, especially to do with the stomach. The stomach churns. So those are things that can happen. >> Why do people cheat even when they say they are happy? Hi, I'm Ashwar Vivee and today's topic is something that I have been curious about not just as a concept but also as a phenomena as to why it is so common these days.
(01:47) We all may know someone or we may have experienced it ourself because cheating is no longer rare. So why does it happen and why does it happen in stable relationships also? Why do some people continuously be cheated on? They attract betrayal again and again. To explore this topic in detail, I have with me the one and only Dr. Manm Kumar. Welcome ma'am.
(02:11) Thank you for joining us. >> Thank you. And I'm happy to have this discussion on relationships because I do think that relationships really have a spiritual perspective which we must explore. Why do people cheat? >> From a spiritual perspective, there are many reasons why people cheat. But let's first understand what does cheating mean? Is cheating a physical intimacy? Is it a spiritual connection? Is it a feeling of being understood by somebody else? For different people, cheating will mean different things. But when it
(02:49) comes to why do people cheat, usually it's not a moment where people cheat. Cheating is something where people leave emotionally much before they leave physically. So there are some broad categories why people cheat. The first reason is emotional emptiness. When people are disconnected from themselves, they feel emotionally very down and most of the times they're looking at their partners to enhance their ego or their importance through approvals, validations.
(03:22) Oh, you're looking so beautiful. The thing is after some time the other person gets tired of doing this >> all the time. >> And the first person feels that now this person doesn't love me anymore. But the emotional emptiness that is there inside the cheater prompts him to look for this response from others.
(03:45) And when this happens, they feel that their emotions are being satisfied which are not being satisfied according to them in the relationship. The second reason is unhealed childhood wounds. Childhood wounds are something that trigger a lot of insecurity in people and a need to be seen. Whenever someone carries childhood wounds, which by the way in our society most people don't know that they carry, they project it on their partner and this causes a lot of disturbing patterns between the couple.
(04:19) For example, if a child felt that he was not understood very well, >> he may turn up being an adult who wants constant attention or who is so insecure that they have FOMO every time the partner has someone else in their life even though it may be a friend or it may be a colleague. So, childhood wounds is another one.
(04:44) The third one is not karmic but it's opportunity presented itself. Some people have very weak boundaries >> and they really don't have a thought process. They don't even have a deep connection but they feel that they can get away with it and so if the opportunity presented itself it's fine. So that's that's another reason. Yet another reason will be where people don't talk about a big incident that happened in their lives.
(05:10) For example, a couple lost a child or one of the partners lost their parent and was grieving and felt that the other person is totally not involved. >> So, it could have been a big incident in their life or an infidelity that both of them are trying to you know overcome through therapy. Whenever there is something big that happens in a couple's life, both people react differently.
(05:33) They react according to their childhood filters. And when and then both of them after that incident has passed struggle to find the intimacy that they once had before this incident had happened. So you'll see a lot of people you know having a fallout after they one of them have been diagnosed with a terminal disease or they feel that one of their children has uh been diagnosed with something severe like autism etc or a big incident has happened in their lives.
(06:06) And yet another category is people who start feeling that their relationship has become stale >> where one person constantly is busy in something or the other and the other person doesn't have the purpose of life very clear and so there are not conversations that are happening enough around how will they grow. The biggest problem is that in all of these categories coming back to the question on why people cheat is because people stop growing. Mhm.
(06:30) >> When people stop growing either in a professional or a personal relationship, it is bound to draw their energy into something outside. Growth is very important as is contribution. If one person is growing spiritually, karmically, financially, uh is doing well physically but the other person is not, then the other person is going to find something or someone to fill that gap.
(06:54) >> Okay. So uh ma'am it seems that there are different reasons why people cheat but in some cases cheating happens in stable relationships also where one person or both the people claim to love their partners but one or the other is still going outside their relationship or marriage. Why does that happen? Cheating is not about the absence of love.
(07:20) Cheating is despite them feeling loved or stable because it is not an extension of not feeling loved only. >> It is about either growth or opportunity or about approval and validation or about the emotional need of feeling understood. Let's say a couple is in a stable relationship and they both claim to love each other. They go for dates etc.
(07:45) and they go for travel holidays but one person has not worked on their emotional wounds. >> Okay, >> that person is now bored of their partner's um approval because it's the same thing now. They're looking for excitement. They're looking for a different thing. And you will notice that when people go outside of a relationship, they will go and present their story to somebody.
(08:08) Oh, I'm not happy in my marriage or oh, this happened to me in my childhood. It's all about them again talking about their wounds. So, if love was enough to cover a wound, the person would have healed. It is the absence of emotional healing and perhaps the absence of understanding what wounds people have that leads to people looking out for the same kind of stereotype.
(08:34) If someone has a mother wound, he look for a woman who mothers him. If someone has a father's wound, they look for someone who can take care of them as a father. And this could be irrespective of them being a boy or a girl. I think the most important key is to understand what is inside of you that is not fulfilled because it can never be fulfilled by anybody neither by one person nor by a second nor by a third.
(08:57) M >> so since cheating has become so common these days that some people assume a lot about their partners because communication isn't that great between partners also and uh then they start cheating before the partner actually cheats. Why does that happen and what should be done in such cases where partners don't communicate with each other and they take actions based on assumptions? cheating before someone else cheats on you is not a communications related problem.
(09:30) It is a problem related to uh the abandonment wound. So when people feel that they will be abandoned, they think that it's better that we abandon first >> and they end up ruining a relationship that they imagine will be ruined. Right. >> And that is nothing to do with the relationship with everything to do with the fact that this child or their needs must have been abandoned in childhood.
(09:53) Now here I want to put a disclaimer because I think therapy now or everything now puts all the blame on childhood as if you know parents are monsters and they don't want to bring up their children. Well >> I myself as a parent start getting defensive when I hear things like this thinking that you know we did our level best.
(10:14) Isn't it? So, so um how we bring up our children and what viewpoints our children have about that childhood are two totally different things. >> Mhm. So when I say abandonment wound, it could be that the person's mother or father had stressful jobs or were in the army or were scientists or had you know difficult >> demanding jobs >> demanding jobs and maybe at the same time a demanding larger family >> or a social circle and so they did not go out of their way to neglect the child but the child felt like that.
(10:50) So neither is the child wrong nor is the parent wrong. We have to address it saying that it is what it is. But for this I think there's a lot of room for exploration. Everyone who's listening to this podcast should ask themselves how do I really feel about relationships per se. >> So when we have the need of ending a relationship before someone else ends it.
(11:14) It's the whole fear what if he ends it and what if I am not able to handle it. >> Okay. So the other question that comes to my mind is because we've been talking uh on this through a psychological lens. But if we look at it from a spiritual lens, there's another thing I think right now uh which can be asked is that is cheating related to past life karma and unfinished soul contracts between two people who have been involved.
(11:41) >> It's a very good question and yes it could be related to karma but not all cheating is karma. >> Okay? You could be creating fresh karma as well >> because >> we are living a life where 70% of our life is free will and choice and only 30% is destiny. >> Destiny is what you're carrying from your previous lives.
(12:01) Either in terms of a karmic closure or in terms of the lessons that you need to learn. So either which way the person you are cheating on or if he's cheating on you either which way it's either a closure of a karmic loop or a fresh lesson that needs to be learned. So not every betrayal is karmic. >> All right.
(12:25) And some people keep on uh experiencing betrayal again and again like they will try to look for a partner learning from their past uh relationship who will be better but again the whole point will be that they'll be cheated on again like the same experience happens but the faces change. So why do people keep experiencing betrayal again and again? Is that a karmic pattern? >> No.
(12:49) This is a lesson that needs to be learned and the lesson is very closely linked to selfworth. >> Okay. >> Now people who will be experiencing this are actually people who look very confident in the society doing very well. They will not look like wallpapers >> but somewhere inside of them there is so much of a need of being held, understood and felt that they will go out of their way and spoil the balance between giving and taking.
(13:16) They will overgive and overgive and the secret hope while they are overgiving is that I hope it's enough for the other person not to leave the relationship. >> Okay. >> But they are also not aware that this is what they are doing. >> Um these people have nurturing tendencies and they without knowing become the parent of the other person.
(13:39) It could be a boy or a girl. they end up nurturing more than the person requires and the other person will typically be somebody who's looking for thrill for newness and so the give and take balance whenever it breaks the relationship goes towards betrayal and cheating. So it's the common thing that has been going on especially on social media that I've seen that uh emotionally avoidant people >> will be attracted to emotionally anxious people >> and uh that's how this pattern comes >> the chaser pattern.
(14:14) >> Yes. Yes. Yes. Can someone genuinely love their partner but be romantically pulled towards someone else? Is that real love or a karmic attachment? Human beings have the capacity to love more than one person at one point in time. And people can feel attracted towards other people. Loyalty, attraction and love are three different things. Love is what we feel.
(14:47) Attraction is what we experience. And loyalty is what we choose. Attraction can happen at any point in time because you may get connected to the person's thoughts, the way he behaves, the caring attitude that the person has or to his intelligence. But being loyal or not loyal is actually a free will and a choice that everybody has.
(15:15) So some people uh use spiritual labels like twin flames, soulmates and somehow they want to justify the feeling that they are experiencing while cheating. >> How do you look at this and uh what does this mean that can it actually be a soulmate kind of or or a twinflame energy in such a case? This is called spiritual bypassing where we don't want to take accountability of our own actions and we attach a term saying the universe really wants us to be together.
(15:47) But there is no such thing as that. And if the universe wants you to be together then the question is why at the cost of loyalty. >> Sure if you think that you are attracted to somebody and the universe wants you to be together. First do a clean breakup and then move into that relationship. If the relationship is so good, I'm sure it can wait.
(16:11) If it is so mature, I'm sure it can understand that one thing must end before the next thing starts. >> But uh some people are not able to break up with their partner >> irrespective of betrayal and everything that has happened because they think that they can't find someone better >> and they don't want to spend their lives alone.
(16:32) So uh what is that reaction about? >> A known devil is better than an unknown one. So they people have a choice of living in mediocrity. >> And in a country like India, parents encourage children to live in mediocrity thinking that what if. So there's this is this is a scarcity mindset and a poverty mindset thinking that what if there's nobody else.
(16:53) But nobody tells us that it's better to be alone than being with a wrong person. how much a wrong person can drain you and incapacitate you. So it's better to live your life on your own. And my question is that when we were born single, if we were so dependent on somebody, why were we not grafted with another human being and sent to the world? >> If you are being sent single into the world, it means that God has given you all the capabilities and capacity to tackle life and live your purpose with grace.
(17:25) A relationship should only be there when you have enough to give someone, not when you're dealing with your own wounds. So when people say this is my twin flame or this is my soulmate and we really need to be together, they are escaping their own accountability >> and blaming it on the universe because we all need someone to blame it on and it almost seems real.
(17:51) If it was so real, why can't it stand the test of time? Why can't it stand the test of maturity? Why can't it wait? Why can't it understand? Why will we activate two karmies together? >> War can be fought only on one, right? And a relationship is not a war. But you are learning every day. It's like a partial. It's like a school.
(18:15) You can't be going to two schools in the same day. So some people also think that it's their past life karma that they are being punished uh since their partner is cheating on them and hence they think that they have to endure without knowing properly whether it's their past life karma or this life karma. >> Even if it's their past life karma, they need to learn the lesson more than suffer.
(18:46) Karma never says you need to suffer. It says learn the lesson and move on. >> So once you learn the lesson, the soul contract becomes null and void. But people keep staying in the same relationship, keep making themselves a victim. They develop a story around it >> which they love telling others and gain attention in parties and they don't leave.
(19:08) Like for example, this latest case that happened of a very educated woman who um committed suicide and you know the story is still out, the jury is still out. Um lot of people are questioning that if she was educated, if she was uh mature, if she had the money, if she was intelligent, then why did she not move out? Why did she have to call her parents and say please take me home? Did she not know how to use a car? So we are not going against somebody right now using it only as an example to say that people choose to live in victimized states and that is a choice that people
(19:40) are making >> and so in their karmic lessons when they die and they go up and you know the accashic records are seen and the guides and masters will sit they will ask why did you not leave why do you need the support of someone else to come and take you you're not physically incapable >> so sometimes people Just don't leave because it requires courage.
(20:03) >> But uh ma'am, when is the right time to leave? Because there are so many occurrences that happen, right? Should they leave just because they cheated once, twice? Like is there a particular rule about it? And what should forgiveness depend on? There are two separate questions but kind of linked together.
(20:21) First of all, when to leave and if they choose that okay, the partner said that it was their mistake, then when to forgive and then let go of it. See people who don't want to leave and they want to be in a loop will continue you know to wait for the next apology the next forgiveness the next flowers the next letters uh they are caught in a loop.
(20:41) When to leave is a very individualistic thing. You need to know what can you tolerate and what you cannot. If you cannot tolerate infidelity then you should leave the first time you come to know it is so. >> But if you feel that it's okay my circumstances outside are worse than my circumstances here then it's a choice. The biggest thing here to understand is that the universe is not judging you.
(21:01) >> The universe is not saying, "Oh, you did the right thing. Oh, you did the wrong thing." Or leaving after two times is considered okay and before that it's not considered okay. >> It's very individualistic. At the same time, there is no judgment. We should not even have self judgment regarding this. >> So, it should all be about what you think is right.
(21:18) The biggest question mark is is the lesson learned and when people think that the lesson is learned they will go into another relationship or they will go on their own and then they will be tested >> because when we for example if we tell our teacher that we've understood this chapter we will be tested after that >> long answer questions short answer questions rapid fire >> did he understand it well so when people get out of a relationship they are tested either by another relationship or by circumstances that make them feel are
(21:50) you really still dependent? Let's say your lesson was dependence >> or not being in power. Then other relationships apart from romantic also will chase you >> to find out if you've learned >> and that is where people go on the rebound. They go on rebound relationships or they uh again start falling for another person.
(22:08) So the lessons not learned and the same pattern will happen which happened with the first partner. Do people usually sense intuitively cheating before it actually happens? >> Always because people emotionally leave a react uh a relationship before they physically leave. And emotional withdrawal is a very big sign that something is not right.
(22:31) Whether it is that the other person is finding other avenues to talk or share some experiences or download information about their life. Um but intuitively both partners will know. It is just that people don't take a step towards it and they don't have conscious conversations. And you will notice that the reason why people don't have conversations is because they are not evolved at the same level spiritually.
(23:03) >> One person would be growing spiritually. The second person may only be materialistic. So when someone is growing, they will have their pangs. They will want to share it with their partner. But the other person may be so materialistic and very much in the here and now, busy in the day-to-day life and choosing not to grow.
(23:23) One of the biggest reasons that relationships don't grow is the inconsistency of their spiritual and emotional growth patterns. >> And why do people keep uh ignoring red flags and inconsistencies in a relationship? Because they are so deeply attached to the partner. >> They are not deeply attached to their partner.
(23:42) They are attached to the familiarity of the relationship. They feel very scared to be alone in the world. They have deep patterns of abandonment and they have deep patterns of trust. So whenever they feel that a red flag is there, they try to avoid it. They have avoided mentality also and they feel that you know if we face it, it's going to become real.
(24:03) So let it just carry on. I've known people who have stayed in marriages without really being present emotionally just because it's a safe institution. and it gets them entry into people's houses and parties and festivals and marriages um rather than calling it out and saying no it's not really working out that really requires a lot of courage >> and how harmful is emotional cheating rather than just physical cheating.
(24:30) >> Emotional cheating is worse than physical cheating. >> Mhm. Because emotional cheating is all about sharing your life with someone else though you are sleeping on the bed with someone else. So that is a bigger betrayal in my >> eyes because physical is okay at least you were there physically and you know whatever it's it's not good at all.
(24:52) But imagine on a day-to-day basis you are chatting with somebody while your partner is sleeping with you just one foot away. M >> that itself is a more planned thought about conscious betrayal. Let's say someone had a one night stand >> and said that oh I didn't know it was available and I was not in my senses. It's a one-off mistake.
(25:14) I I'm not saying it should be forgiven but still >> but imagine like a planned murder kind of a thing where every day you're cheating on your partner draining the lifeblood out of your relationship knowing very well that you've not had a conversation you've not had a closure. I wonder what gives people the confidence >> Mhm.
(25:33) >> that they can get away with it. >> Yes. And some people also blame the lack of thrill in their relationship, especially when it comes to the physical and intimate aspect of the relationship to justify cheating when they go outside a relationship of or marriage. That's just a story and just a justification of a person who doesn't have a spine and of a person who has to blame >> someone hang their hat somewhere.
(25:59) >> This is a person who has no accountability for his own life let alone for his actions. >> So that in any case is the biggest red flag. If you find this in somebody you must leave immediately. H and I also think about the kind of dysfunction it creates in a family uh and how the children are affected who witness this.
(26:21) What happens in a generational way? What kind of trauma is created within the family system? So definitely it's a generational trauma that is created, ancestral trauma that is created because a father uh so in the Hindu mythology they will say that the father who has cheated will have children who will experience cheating >> and a mother who has cheated is going to have children who have deep mother wounds.
(26:49) But many times in most families parents hide this from their children but the children still sense it. And uh when parents hide it or sometimes when they don't bother to hide it the children always feel that what was lacking in us they take the blame on themselves and they think what was lacking in us and therefore they become either overpleasers or completely cold >> people who don't trust anybody to come near them.
(27:13) So they have their own wounds and their own issues. Um, one of the things that people and especially women must think about when they think that I'm not financially independent, if I leave my husband, who's going to take care of my children? So to give them a better life, let's continue to stay here >> and hide it from the children.
(27:38) But first of all, nothing gets hidden from the children. Second of all, when children see that it is okay to be treated in a mediocre way in a relationship, that's what they embibe. >> Mhm. >> And the third thing is that women should be clear that children don't learn from telling. Children learn from example. M >> so if you feel that someone is not going to come to know whether it's the neighbors whether it's your family or whether it's your children >> you are creating a wall of distrust because those children will never
(28:15) believe you thinking that if you could hide something so big from them how can they trust you. So trust issues also start running >> in the family. They already hate their father assuming here that the father is cheated and the tables could be the other way around. They hate their father but they are being to uh they are they are being pressurized to pretend that this is a normal family and we love our father.
(28:37) >> So there are a lot of movies also made on it where you feel that um you know this pattern is being played out but definitely even from a karmic perspective from a mythology perspective from a psychology perspective this is a very unhealthy pattern. >> Absolutely. And you said that the opposite happens when the father cheats then the children are being cheated on etc.
(29:02) But uh sometimes uh can they also unconsciously absorb the same pattern and start cheating on other people >> because they feel that it's fine? >> Yes. >> That and and that they can get away with it and that they should have a partner who is okay with it. >> H so it creates a long generational curse. So how can uh children be protected in such situations and what can be done to break this pattern in a family? >> The person needs to walk out >> okay with the children trying to protect them from something that is damaging.
(29:31) So they need to know that it is it is possible for a relationship not to go on but it is not okay to live in abuse. Sometimes after discovering the partner uh tries to cheat back on the person as revenge to make the other person have a taste of their own medicine. What does that indicate and should that be done? >> Of course, it should not be done.
(29:56) Not because the other person doesn't deserve it, but you don't deserve it. >> When we try to cheat back, we operating from the ego. We operating from a wound. >> My question is if someone has cheated on you, that is their problem. Absolutely. >> It doesn't become your problem now. You need to react.
(30:15) You need to think what values do you want to live with. If you don't want to live with the values of being cheated upon, then you walk away. You don't need to get embroiled in their drama by creating more drama of your own >> and involving other people >> and involving other people. So this washing dirty laundry is really very common where you know friends get involved and everyone gets involved and there's a victim there's a mater there's everybody >> but he has not cheated on you.
(30:42) I think one of the biggest concepts of cheating is that someone doesn't cheat on someone >> they just cheat to >> fill their own emotional void >> and they actually feel bad for the other person also >> that I'm so sorry I did it. I'm not so sorry I did it. I'm okay that I did it because I was feeling hurt, but I'm sorry that you had to be the bearer of the bad news.
(31:01) So sometimes people are really fond of their spouse but unable to help themselves and their emotional needs with someone else. So it becomes a pattern. Should the other person stay? No. >> If it has happened once, it is going to happen another time. >> And uh since the person already cheated, I don't think he'll be capable enough to understand the pain because that's the whole agenda of revenge cheating. Yes.
(31:24) that the person goes through the same emotions. >> Yes. >> And they will not feel the same emotions. >> Absolutely. I think this is required to be said today because a lot of people do this hoping that the other person feels their pain what they have gone through. >> No, because all our emotional construct is different.
(31:42) The first person who did it also. I mean the person who originally cheated that person is also emotionally lonely and they may just put it on their partner. Most men when they cheat they say oh you know but I don't have a functional relationship with my wife. We stay in different rooms and all of that. >> And if I had a penny for every time women fell for that line, >> we would have a mountain by now.
(32:02) >> So, it's pretty clear that people also want to believe the story. We spoke of red flags, but we didn't speak of the fact that if you are the girlfriend and your so-called lover is making a fool out of you, >> saying again and again that I don't have a relationship with my wife, but when you see their social media accounts, you know, everything is quite open.
(32:22) Then the red flag is also there with a girlfriend. She also knows that the person is lying. >> So the red flag is just not there with the wife, it's also there with a girlfriend. >> But are you sort of choosing to believe it? >> And that is the bigger question. >> So red flags are everywhere. And one of one of the other things I wanted to bring up is that Bollywood really glorifies this right.
(32:43) So there's a movie with I think Vinod Kana and Minakshi Shashadri where he says that I've you know he says and then you know the whole Indian audience is swayed to say no no please forgive him. Now in the movie I can't remember because I don't watch movies I can't remember whether he cheated again or not >> but should he should she have left him? I think yes.
(33:03) >> Mhm. >> Now even in the movie if they don't show he did it for a second time what are the chances? >> Absolutely. >> Right. So there's not a yes or a no. It's very individualistic. But I don't think you should stay back because you have a fear that you won't find anyone else. >> Especially women after 45 they feel oh we are unattractive.
(33:21) We are approaching menopause. >> Who's going to be there for us? We are not so financially independent. There are only few years left in life. How does it matter? >> It's okay. Let's overlook it. In the end he's coming home only. All these kind of things. But you are literally eroding your own self-power and your own selfrespect.
(33:39) And so what you're not going to learn in this life, you're again going to take birth and learn the same thing. So how long do you want to prolong it for? I think the biggest thing in cheating if I would say what should you do if you come to know someone is cheating. The first thing is acceptance. >> But you'll feel that you know you'll go into trends of denial. No, no, no.
(34:01) It may have been this. We may be overreading. Although inside your heart, you know. So many people come to me for a future reading and say, "Do you think he's cheating on me?" And I said, "I'm not going to answer that because you already know the answer." >> So acceptance is one of the biggest things that yes, it has happened.
(34:20) >> Not to me, but it has happened. Full stop. >> Right? Because cheating is associated with self-worth. Women try to compare themselves with the people who their partner has cheated on. >> Yes, that's another one. >> And that's why the denial continues. So why do uh especially women >> it's a self take it as a comparison >> it's a self worth lesson it's a self worth lesson anyone who has very strong selfworth is not going to go into these loops >> they're just going to say okay fine I'm sure you found your way and I'm out of
(34:51) this >> and you talked about mature women thinking that okay where will he go he's going to come back so cheating is acceptable but once uh girls get married they also start thinking in the same pattern because they've spent a lot of money on the wedding and later they come to know that okay these are the traits that exist in their partner.
(35:10) So then they try to um tell themselves that wherever he's going he's coming back to me. >> So even what will be your message to the young people who are in this kind of a trap in their own mind >> that do you want to be in this trap for the rest of your life even if your answer is yes do you want to do this for the next life also? >> Mhm.
(35:29) >> If no then you need to take an action. Actually the thing is we have I don't know why but we've all grown up with stars in our eyes that nothing's going to go wrong in our life. >> And when it actually does go wrong I think parents should tell their children at every step that everything can go wrong >> and we should have simulation exercises at home.
(35:49) If this happens what are you going to do? >> Whether they may not be a perfect answer but at least children will be forced to think that what if and maybe discuss it in their own peer groups. Nobody likes to take advice of their parents >> that what should we do then maybe at least that's it's a question and now you can ask JP >> what should I do >> so at least that situation has crossed their mind but we as children grew up thinking and our children are growing up thinking that life is really rosy and nothing's going to go wrong >> yeah I think there's a lot of optimism
(36:18) if you start a sense of this follows this now that your daughter is this much now she should get married now that she's married she should have a child Now that she has a child, she should have the second child. There seems to be a structure of things that has been continuing for so long that people don't want to question what if it doesn't happen.
(36:38) >> Then the answer is why will it not happen? What is wrong with my daughter? >> But there's nothing wrong with your daughter. But maybe your daughter is a warrior who's come to learn certain things. >> And so maybe she's not choosing it. And and then the whole premise is what are we going to tell the world? But it's not your life, it's your daughter's life.
(36:58) >> You are just the collateral damage on the side. >> Mhm. >> So what has she chosen for herself? That is the more important question as parents to understand, wow, what has she chosen and how can we support her in that rather than continuously looking for people. >> Yes. And I think the moment we stop personalizing pain, it becomes easier to accept.
(37:18) >> Absolutely. I think accepting and you're very right. We are personalizing it. This happening to me. Someone cheated on me. How could this happen? >> It comes >> somebody cheated. Full stop. >> Yeah, >> you are experiencing it. Full stop. Now what is your choice? Instead of saying what is your choice, we'll go into you know loops of hysteria over why did he do it? How did he find out? Where did he go? Did he sleep with her or not? Was it only on phone? What really happened? We are totally focused on the other side.
(37:49) >> I think it's a very egotistical ma'am. like it comes onto our ego like I've been on the other side so I can tell you that it comes onto our ego like what's wrong with me >> what's missing so that's how you know we become we turn into FBI >> yes >> so I can speak for other people also that happens yes so many people feel that loyalty uh is declining in today's world because it's kalyug or it's the modern dating culture that we are now experiencing so my question is that has it always been there like it was it in
(38:21) the past also or it has increased today? >> It was there in the past also. In fact, in the past uh kings had u more than 100 wives. >> Mhm. >> So one to many has been there like for long. But now we are seeing the trend is becoming more a because people are being more aware and open about talking. Secondly because people are not even standing for themselves >> and their parents.
(38:46) So somebody who doesn't stand up for themselves or their parents is definitely not going to stand up for a spouse or a relationship. So you have to see that the whole idea of relationships is going away being loyal to yourself. Are you I mean it sounds unrelated but is an individual disciplined about his own body. >> Are they disciplined about their life? Do they have their value systems in place? Do they really respect their parents? If any of this is a no, trust me, the person is not living in accountability.
(39:18) >> And a person who's not living in accountability, which is where now the Gen Z is going, >> is not a good match for anybody else. If you can't do something for yourself and stand up and wake up on time and eat on time and sleep on time, >> how are you going to take care of anybody else's emotions? H >> so the shallow culture of social media scrolling always being somewhere else mentally is never going to encourage true relationships.
(39:47) >> So can we just blindly say because it's kalyug these things are happening. >> No it's not kalyug that's why these things are happening. Um technology has a lot of role to play. Nuclear families have a lot of role to play. People who stay in joint families till they get married have a fantastic chance of having more solid marriages than the ones who stay in nuclear families.
(40:09) People who don't have a big exposure to technology which has become almost impossible to do now. >> Parents cannot take the phone from their children unless the children want to give it to them. So it's almost become an entitlement to have access to data. So till that cannot be curbed and definitely needs it's looking like it's going to the next level rather than coming down.
(40:32) >> So a technology is to blame the family structure is to blame the way children parents are approaching children has to change the relationship that parents are showing to their children the commitment that they are showing that is a very big issue. So I don't think it's kalyug and therefore I think it's the advent of all these things that is collectively putting the pressure on children to be selfish.
(40:55) >> So but how does a joint family system or a nuclear family system affect this kind of uh >> because in a joint family you have to not only take care of your parents emotions you also have so many other people to coexist with. >> Okay. >> So you learn how to coexist with different personalities >> you learn how to take care.
(41:12) You are not only responsible for giving a glass of water to your father. Tomorrow your chacha may ask it or your uh chachi may ask it or you have to stand up and do errands for them also. You realize that my life is just beyond me also. >> So if you see children they are so entitled that they don't even want to lift a glass of water for their parents because there's nobody else to tell them.
(41:33) In a joint family there are lot of elders telling the child what to do, what not to do and what is acceptable. M >> sometimes in families that have single parents or even a nuclear family where you know parents are not very strong emotionally the child starts threatening them. >> Mhm. >> But in a joint family knowing that all the families on one side the the parents are supported.
(41:53) So the child knows what are my boundaries. These children are more resilient more boundary oriented less selfless and have seen lot of personalities to handle them. When a person has gone through betrayal and left the person also how should the person start going back to normal life because cheating can destroy a lot of pieces of you including your self worth trust etc.
(42:21) So how can people go back to the normal life that they were leading and build trust on not only on others but themselves also. >> So there are a lot of ways to do this. The first thing of course is acceptance. The second thing is to realize that it didn't happen to you. Don't personalize the experience. Keep it about their childhood experiences.
(42:38) What must have happened to them and therefore they behaved like this. So that is most important. And then there is therapy, there is automatic writing, there is journaling, there is channeling, there's the support of parents, support of good friends. Uh definitely one thing they should not do is get into another relationship for the next one or two years.
(42:58) They need to first heal themselves, build themselves again, feel happy, build something of their life and then tentatively get into the dating game and how to gather the courage to live without a person like their partner because they were so used to living with someone and like you mentioned that you should not get into dating again soon or whatever.
(43:19) So how to gather the courage to leave the relationship and stay single and celibate for certain amount of time before they can jump onto another relationship? >> Uh people can have good friends and I think that really takes care of the emotional part and the physical part from a let's hang around together kind of a thing.
(43:38) From a celibacy point of view, there is no harm in having um physical relationship as long as you know your boundaries and you are not really uh colluding the romance with the physical relationship. But definitely it's about a year to 18 months that it will take for the person while they are doing therapy or spiritualism or something where they are getting connected with their own selves and their selfworth more than you know trying to look for answers outside.
(44:05) what caused that cheating? What wound did it cause in me? How can I heal my own wound and not sort of blame the other person? So, he went, he came, he I don't think the point is forgiveness. I think the point is connecting with yourself and finding out what wound am I carrying that I need to heal before I can go into another relationship.
(44:23) >> What is the punishment for cheating? >> The punishment for cheating can be three ways you can look at it. One is a karmic punishment that is never going to go. So whether you get it in this life or you get it in another life or you get it in a different area of your life. Many people who are cheating will have something happen to the closest people to them like their children can undergo an accident or their business will not survive and they keep wondering why and when I tell them that you know you are cheating they say but what is this got
(44:56) to do with that >> but the universe will compensate it somewhere. So that's the karmic part. The second is the legal and the you know here and now part. So suppose the wife comes to know or let's say the wife is cheating and the husband comes to know. We've seen so many cases where the person has had to have a loss of reputation, loss of money and huge legal lawsuits in the US etc.
(45:19) It's far more prevalent than in India. The third is that the person develops body and health issues because somewhere if they've grown up with a conscience which I would like to believe that all children grow up with somewhere it's somewhere >> then guilt starts to consume them >> if not now then 5 years later and they have things like ulcers and piles and >> uh blood pressure and all these things you know especially to do with the stomach the stomach churns with guilt.
(45:48) So those are things that can happen >> because this is a different kind of disease you're talking about because >> people are only aware of STI and STDs. So what you are talking about is of another level and people don't realize what can happen. >> And if somebody has cheated for quite a bit and then finally decides to be a an honest person wants to find love again will he get loyalty in return in that relationship? >> Now that again depends on two things.
(46:14) One, >> if it's a karmic arrangement, the soul of the >> let's say the wife is not cheating in this case the soul of the wife will recognize this pattern and try to end it karmically by saying okay fine now that he's cheated and he's gone out let it be I've also cheated in a previous life. This is happening at a subconscious level.
(46:35) I don't want people to think that this is how they need to think. >> Uh so yeah she'll accept him back. Although like I told you most partners know that they are being cheated on. So she'll accept him back. But many times she'll accept him back while continuously blaming him. >> And the third scenario is even if a person after 2 years of cheating wants to come back and expect loyalty, the guilt will start killing him somewhere or the other.
(47:00) >> But uh I mean to ask for people who aren't married, who've cheated on their girlfriends and now wants to get married, settle down and have a good relationship. >> It's possible. To what extent is that possible? >> It's relative, right? Nobody knows the extent of how many people you had. >> Whether when you are not attached >> and you're going through relationships, >> right? Cheating will happen only with one person.
(47:25) I'm sure he's not cheating on all the women or maybe he is. We don't know. That's why it's relative. >> But the person that he had it with definitely is a karmic relationship >> and whether he gets forgiveness, he doesn't get forgiveness, that depends on the other people also. But can he have a good marriage? He can.
(47:42) Will he have it? We don't know. >> Okay. >> Because the depth of karma can never be measured. It is possible that that cheating comes back to him and he attracts a person who cheats him as well. >> Okay ma'am. So finally if there's one message you would like to give to people who are struggling with uh cheating, heartbre heartbreak or betrayal.
(48:00) What message would that be? >> The message would be that it is not about you. You please find out what works for you. What are your own values? Don't personalize it. If someone has cheated on you, it has nothing to do with how good you look or how valuable you were in their life. Start valuing yourself more and work on yourself because the law of attraction is absolute.
(48:25) >> You are going to attract who you are. So spend time becoming the best version of you. >> Thank you so much for this insightful conversation.