Author Name:Relearn
Youtube Channel Url:https://www.youtube.com/@Relearnwithkash
Youtube Video URL:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lF1vpl_Z79I
��� వీడియో నుండి **Telugu takeaways** — ముఖ్య అంశాలు సంక్షిప్తంగా:
### హై-ఫంక్షనింగ్ యాంక్సైటీ అంటే ఏమిటి?
- **బయటకు**: సక్సెస్ఫుల్, సోషల్, “అన్నింటినీ హ్యాండిల్ చేస్తున్నాను” అని కనిపిస్తారు.
- **లోపల**: ఒంటరితనం, overthinking, “నేను సరిపోను” అనే భయం, తీవ్రమైన ఆలోచనలు (catastrophizing).
- **స్వాన్ ఉదాహరణ**: నీటి పైన గ్రేస్ఫుల్ గా కనిపిస్తే, కింద పాదాలు వేగంగా కొట్టుకుంటున్నట్టు — బయట calm, లోపల chaos.
### గుర్తులు (Signs)
- సోషల్ సందర్భాల్లో **authentic గా లేకపోవడం**, surface-level conversations.
- వాళ్ళు ఏమనుకుంటారో అని **అతిగా ఆలోచించడం** — “నేను ఏదో తప్పు చేశానా?”
- **People pleasing**, overcompensating — ఎవరైనా బాధలో ఉంటే “నేను చేయాలి” అని అనుకోవడం.
- నిద్రలేమి, అలసట, burnout, ఒంటరితనం.
### పీపుల్ ప్లీజింగ్ vs కిండ్నెస్
- **People pleasing**: validation కోసం, “నా cup ఖాళీ, ఎవరో నింపాలి” అని భావించడం.
- **Kindness**: నా cup నిండి ఉండి, సేవ చేయడం — అది healthy.
### పురుషులు & ఎమోషన్స్
- పురుషులు కూడా ఎమోషన్స్ ఫీల్ అవ్వాలి, కానీ **purpose-driven way** లో express చేసుకోవచ్చు.
- ఒకరు crying చూసి attraction తగ్గిన ఉదాహరణ — దానివల్ల ఎమోషన్స్ దాచుకోవడం నేర్చుకుంటారు.
- **Masculine vulnerability** = space create చేసి, problem solve చేస్తూ ఎమోషన్స్ షేర్ చేయడం.
### Attachment Styles (4 రకాలు)
| Style | Self-Esteem | Others విలువ | లక్షణాలు |
|-------|-------------|--------------|-----------|
| **Anxious** | Low | High | “వదిలేస్తారేమో” భయం, people pleasing |
| **Avoidant** | High | Low | ఎమోషన్స్ దాచుకోవడం, దూరంగా ఉండటం |
| **Secure** | High | High | ఎమోషన్స్ regulate చేయగలగడం, ఓపెన్ కమ్యూనికేషన్ |
| **Disorganized** | Low | Low | ఎమోషన్స్ తో handle చేయలేకపోవడం, reactive గా ఉండటం |
### Good Girl Syndrome
- **సమాజం/కుటుంబం పెట్టిన rules** follow చేస్తూ, తన అవసరాలు ignore చేయడం.
- “నేను good girl ని” అని prove చేసుకోవడానికి **తన needs ని మర్చిపోవడం**.
- Root cause: **అవసరాలు express చేయలేకపోవడం**, anxious attachment, hyper-independence.
- పరిష్కారం: Triggers గుర్తించడం, journaling, self-worth పెంచుకోవడం.
### Couples Therapy లో ముఖ్య సమస్యలు
- **Honesty లేకపోవడం** — భయం వల్ల ఎమోషన్స్ దాచుకోవడం.
- చిన్న విషయానికి (ఉదా: షూస్) పెద్ద గొడవ కావడం — వెనుక **resentment** ఉంటుంది.
- పరిష్కారం: **Pre-agreements** — “నీకు కోపం వస్తే ఏం చేయాలి?” అని ముందే మాట్లాడటం.
### Self-Esteem & Trauma
- **Self-esteem** అంటే — “నేను worthy ని” అనే భావన.
- తక్కువ self-esteem ఉంటే — opportunities miss అవుతాయి, తక్కువ accept చేసుకుంటారు.
- **Trauma ని fuel గా** వాడుకోవచ్చు — కానీ అది intentional గా ఉండాలి, fear-based కాకూడదు.
### ముఖ్యమైన సందేశాలు
- **అడిగి తెలుసుకోవడం ముఖ్యం**: “నేను ఇది నా కోసం చేస్తున్నానా? లేక ఇతరుల కోసమా?”
- **పాత patterns** గుర్తించి, వాటిని heal చేసుకోవడం.
- **Self-awareness** ఉంటేనే మార్పు సాధ్యం.
- **Self-esteem పెంచుకోవడం** — అన్నింటికీ పరిష్కారం.
### ఒక లైన్లో
**“మీ inner world మీ outer world ని డిసైడ్ చేస్తుంది — self-esteem, awareness, healing తో మార్చుకోవచ్చు.”**
Transcript:
(00:00) What is high functioning anxiety? >> In their mind, they might be saying, "I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy. I'm not deserving. I'm not capable." >> You're literally telling the entire family that girls come second, boys come first. And so, girls will start to feel like they're not enough.
(00:15) Are good girls always lonely? I want to talk about attachment styles. What's the biggest issue that you see in couples therapy? >> It might be that you cry by yourself because you feel like you can't rely on anyone else to do or to be there for you. I remember crying in front of this person and I could see in her eyes how her attraction level for me had just immediately gone down.
(00:32) >> Like 70% of the population struggle with it, but no one talks about it. Loneliness being similar to having 15 cigarettes a day. >> What are the anxiety archetypes? >> There's different types of archetypes that we can have. >> Can meditation be a cure for radiation? >> There might be an inner child within you and is yearning for someone to come and protect them.
(00:50) Lolita, what is high functioning anxiety? >> High functioning anxiety, it's a term that we use to describe is like there's two different sides. There's one side which we show the world. So we show that we're we've got it together that we're this high functioning person that we're successful and that we're very very social but on the other side we feel quite disconnected. We feel quite alone.
(01:11) We catastrophize. We overthink and we feel like we're separated from other people. But no one sees that side. It's a bit like when we think of the swan and the swan on the top of the water it's sort of like very graceful but underneath it's sort of flapping away and that's the way that I would describe high functioning anxiety and people they see it or they hear the term they're like that's not me but when they when we break it down in that way they relate to it and they're like I didn't realize that other people go through this.
(01:36) >> What are signs that we can see if we do have high functioning anxiety? So, some of the signs you might notice is that when you're out um in social situations, it may be that you're not really feeling authentic. You feel like you're having surface level conversations or conversations that don't really feel meaningful or you're thinking everything that the person might be saying or doing.
(01:55) And when I say that the overthinking is if someone looks at you in a certain way, you're like, "Oh, did I do something? Did I do this? Did I do this?" So, there's a lot of catastrophizing. We create these narratives in our head and we can get lost in that and that keeps influencing how we are then presenting ourselves. And that might also mean that we have traits of people pleasing.
(02:11) We have traits of being very over um compensating for other people. So if we notice someone isn't okay or we notice that someone's a bit tired, we might personalize it, blame ourselves, and think you've done something. So then you overcompensate and take on so much more than you need to because you feel like you you don't know how to regulate that emotion that's coming up for you.
(02:30) >> I want to understand, you've mentioned people pleasing, you've mentioned overcompensating. Some of these are traits that people just normally have. How do we know if that is actually high functioning anxiety versus just a people losers? >> If we break down high functioning anxiety high functioning is you show up this side you're very high functioning.
(02:47) So you're successful um you've got it all together that's what people will think but that's fueled from a place of anxiety and the anxiety that's fueling that is fear. Fear of what are people going to think of me? We need to look at that and understand. So if the anxiety is fueling you to go go go and you're sort of on this treadmill but then you don't know how to stop, it can be really impactful on how your mental health is dayto-day. You can be burnt out.
(03:10) You can be isolated from others. You can feel really tired and exhausted all the time. And you feel like people don't really understand you. You can feel lonely. So we want to just make sure what's going on for you. start to become aware, start to understand, to then be able to intentionally make choices rather than making choices based on what you think you should be doing for others rather than doing it because it's something that's meaningful and purposeful to you.
(03:33) >> A key distinguishing question is to ask, am I doing this for myself or am I doing this for others? >> Yeah. And I think that's huge because that's where we introduce pause. And often if you have high functioning anxiety, you are go go go because you don't want to stop and think because when you stop and think, it means you're stuck with your thoughts.
(03:51) And people don't know how to manage these thoughts because in their mind they might be saying, "I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy. I'm not deserving. I'm not capable." All of these things can be going on. And it's such a sad way of living in life because you can be the successful person, but you also it needs to come from inwards out, not from outwards in.
(04:09) So say for example as a man I'm in tune with my emotions but equally as being in tune with my emotions I know I have purpose and I know I have a duty to the people around me. Am I people pleasing in that moment or am I just performing a duty? >> Is there a difference between people pleasing and being kind. Being a kind genuine person so people pleasing is you're looking for validation.
(04:28) You need someone else to come and fill your cup. You need someone else to say hey look I can't fill my own cup. Can you come and fill my cup and tell me that I'm good enough? when you're care. >> So if my cup's full and I'm of service to others, then I'm doing it from a higher place. And if my cup's not full and I'm obviously helping others, then I'm doing it to fill my own cup, which is the validation aspect, and that's people pleasing.
(04:56) >> Yeah. And can I ask a question? You mentioned about um being a man and talking about the protector role. What do you feel about men and their emotions? I don't think men should keep their emotions to themselves. I think expression should come out. However, I don't think it always needs to be in the same way as everyone else.
(05:12) I find that a lot of girls find solace and being able to talk to other girls about their emotions and find vulnerability in that. But I've also found in times where I've had a lot of emotions, going to the gym has been insane. I think vulnerability within masculinity comes where you are creating a space for a purpose and then sharing your emotions.
(05:30) Yeah, I'm not going to be here and just like cry and like go crazy and like be an emotional mess. What I will be here is I'm going to create a space. I'm going to address a problem that I'm facing and I'm going to say there's a purpose behind it because obviously I want to address this problem so I can move forward and be a better man.
(05:45) So I think it should be addressed but I think there's a way to address it. I remember a long long time ago when I was in a relationship, this was when I was a lot younger. traumatic things had happened and I remember crying in front of this person and I could see in her eyes how her attraction level for me had just immediately gone down because I had cried in front of her and I remember for the next year after that relationship I actually struggled sharing any emotion >> out of fear that you know it's going to be perceived in a certain way and then
(06:11) obviously I understood that there is a way to address emotions and in a in a more masculine way and obviously things were overcome through that but I think that's the only thing for me I would find where I would find fear in showing vulner vulnerability. >> Just the idea that is this is this how a man should be from an attraction standpoint.
(06:28) >> When you notice something, you said you noticed in her eyes that something had had changed for you. But did we have the conversation that hey look, I've just noticed this or this is what's come up. Not in that moment. You could have done it at any other point, but there there's something that can go deeper.
(06:42) So for another year, we've continued, but then you've learned, okay, don't show emotion. Shut down when there's an emotion because this person can't hold space for me. But sometimes that also goes back to like our childhood where we learned that showing emotion it wasn't okay. So we learn to show up in a certain way and that's where our attachments are formed.
(06:59) So we continue this in our relationships and in certain patterns and that we show up in our relationships because people will then look at someone and think oh this person's thinking this about me because they've reacted in a certain way. >> So you're saying after that me crying in front of her had I had that conversation with her it probably would have been a very different response after that.
(07:15) could have been, but she might have also said, "I don't know what you're on about." Because it's again about someone's consciousness and where someone else is um in in their mind and in their own personal growth. >> I want to talk about attachment styles. >> Okay. >> So, obviously there's the avoidant, the anxious, the secure, and the disorganized.
(07:31) >> Y >> what would you say is the best way of describing each of those? >> Wow. So, they all show up very differently in different people depending on like the experiences that they've had. So when we talk of anxious attachment, anxious attachment is and attachments are that we have when we're talking to someone or we're in a relationship with someone and it's not even just a romantic relationship, it can also be with friends.
(07:53) Is we are anxious that they are going to abandon us? They are going to reject us. So at any point we're looking for evidence constantly that does this person like me, does this person is this person going to leave me? So this is where often we can develop people pleasing. we developed um looking externally for um evidence of keeping people close because we're so afraid.
(08:12) But if we move to avoidant now, avoidant is when we have learned to suppress our emotions, ignore our emotions. So because we didn't know how to perhaps once upon a time manage these emotions, what can end up happening is we just suppress them. Ignore them out of sight, out of mind. But that doesn't mean that they're going to be um not impacting because they'll come out in different ways.
(08:30) But you've learned just I don't want to talk about them because I don't know how to and it's easier just not to go into it. And it can feel quite um draining because you get to a point where you don't know that there's this emotional self there. You just keep ignoring it, ignoring it. But there comes a point where um certain things can keep coming up for you and certain patterns where we have to address this.
(08:48) >> And what does secure look like? >> So when we think of secure, we think of someone who is able to regulate their emotions. So someone who is saying, look, I'm feeling a little bit sad today. This is why I'm feeling sad. this is what's going on and then being able to hold space to talk about that but also hold space from someone else.
(09:04) So if someone is coming up and they might be avoidant or they you notice that they've shut down like is everything okay? I've noticed this and I've noticed this. Um so that becomes secure when you're able to talk. Can people be fully secure or do we learn to offer ourselves compassion and empathy and because there's always going to be times that we're we're triggered by certain things but that's where we are always growing and we're always work in progress.
(09:26) So yes, we might have traits of being secure where we are able to offer values of um being compassionate, having space to talk about things, but I wonder as well like that I'm I'm still in that process of can we be fully fully secure with people because we're always learning about ourselves. >> So you think it's almost a strive for perfection as opposed to actually getting to perfection.
(09:47) >> Can we ever be perfect as human beings? >> Yeah. So okay, so you can never be fully fully fully secure, but it's that kind of intention to at least be that. >> Yeah. Can we just touch on disorganized because I know our listeners are going to want to know. Yeah. >> So what does disorganized look like? >> Disorganized is when you can't you really struggle to sit with your emotions and say for example something something has come up for you.
(10:06) You might be feeling all these different things but you don't know how to deal with it. So it's easier just to be like you're very reactive in some ways because you're not not sure of what's going on. So with avoidant for example you might just avoid it, ignore it, you're off doing something else. But when you're disorganized, you might become very reactive in certain ways because you there's so many emotions that are coming up for you that you feel really overwhelmed.
(10:26) Like if we look at the word disorganized, there's it's not organized. Everything that's going on for us, there's no organization and then it's like just scattered >> and it can feel really overwhelming for you. >> I found the best um logical systems of looking at this was self-esteem and value of others. >> So it was like avoidant was high self-esteem but can't see the value in others.
(10:48) Anxious was low self-esteem but sees the value in others. >> Secure was high self-esteem and sees the value in others. And disorganized was low self-esteem and can't see the value in others. >> I remember so >> I really like that. I'll be taking that away. I'll take it. >> So, um I found it so helpful because it was just a logical way of looking at things.
(11:05) Yeah, >> I went through a relationship a few years ago and I got cheated on and there was like a lot of like issues that went down >> and I went from feeling secure, at least I thought I was secure to feeling disorganized. So, low self-esteem and low value of others. So, I couldn't trust anyone else.
(11:20) I struggled with intimacy and at the same time I didn't see value in myself. >> Um, I lost all confidence in myself. I lost I lost all trust in myself. And so, because of that logical framework, it was like, okay, I need to get from the bottom rank almost to now getting to secure. Yeah, >> how do I get there? And it was like okay, so I need to increase my self-esteem and I need to increase my value of others.
(11:41) How do I do that? So then it was like the logical steps of increasing self-esteem being like selfd disccipline, self- loveve etc. And then value of others being like how can I you know show appreciation and see the best in others >> and that was like the best. It was an easy route of just going okay do this step by step and then I was feeling great.
(11:57) >> But also in that space you've been intentional and you've been very conscious that this is what's gone on for me. this is now how I'm feeling and this is my goal now of where I want to get to. How do I get there? So sometimes people will go through what you've been through and they're like I never want to go through this pain again of being cheated on.
(12:12) So I'm not going to trust anyone now. I'm going to perhaps not let anyone close again because if I do this is what's going to happen. But this might be at a subconscious level. So people aren't aware of it. So then they'll never be committed in a relationship or they will sabotage relationships. So these patterns will then present because they're not aware of what's going on.
(12:28) So when you're conscious and you start becoming aware of like this is how I'm feeling, this is what's going on, you can then you can do something with it. But if you don't, you you don't know what's going on and these patterns just keep subconsciously showing up for you. >> How can we bring those patterns up? Like what if there's a scenario where someone has gone through certain things and doesn't even know their own problems.
(12:45) Like I feel like I'm so grateful to be aware of the things that I'm aware of, but like there are things that obviously I'm unaware of, right? And there are people out there who are unaware of these patterns. How can we be aware of it? So I work with a lot of entrepreneurs and it's interesting because the patterns also show up in their business and the way that they might be making decisions with other people, the way that they are relating to money, the way that they're relating to their colleagues, how they're
(13:07) managing other people. So we think that attachment style doesn't have an impact. It just is on romantic relationships. It's not. It's also in your business. And if you want to get to certain places in your business, we we also need to look at these patterns. So often when I'm working with people, they um we look at like what's going on in their business, what's happening.
(13:24) But it also will come back from other things that have gone on like experiences that they've been through. And that's where the real healing and the work happens is going and looking at these patterns to make sense of them. So they show up differently in their business but not just in their business in all aspects of their life.
(13:37) >> What's an example of that you've seen in the past where someone has had some unhealed trauma and what was the manifestation of that in their business? So I've had um leaders who again CEOs they're when you look at them you think again they're high functioning they've got everything together but behind the scenes they really struggle to not not they they avoid conflict with their employees with the people that um are working for them.
(14:02) So to avoid conflict I've had people who have just created jobs because they don't want to tell someone that there's no job for you. So, they've just been paying someone a yearly salary, getting them to come in and doing things just because they they really struggle with but they've got this going on for them and they've got this happening in their house.
(14:17) I can't let go of them. And then it's like trying to understand, okay, what's that about? What's going on there for you? And often it comes back down to they don't know how to regulate their own guilt and their own shame. So, they might be feeling really bad thinking, but if I get let go of them, then how are they going to survive? How are they going to then be this single parent that they are or they're doing this or they're doing this? I can't let go of them.
(14:37) But you create that narrative in your head. But what you're doing is you're avoiding yourself feeling guilt or having a difficult conversation with someone to say that this is what's going on. Look, I'm really struggling with this role or having that conversation because someone in front of you then might get upset. When we go back into the past of where that comes from, maybe they've had a um an attachment or an early caregiver who was very inconsistent.
(14:58) So when they may say something or they've shared something, we don't know how that person may react. So there that's where the fear might be coming from. Um, and everyone's journey is very different. >> They couldn't deal with the guilt that they had. And because of not being able to deal with the guilt that they had, they were paying someone a salary >> and obviously that's now impacting their business.
(15:14) >> But had they dealt with the guilt that they had >> which is showing up everywhere in their life, not just in their business, >> their business would be very different as a result. >> Sometimes people they they just will feel really bad or they don't feel like they're deserving. So if someone doesn't feel worthy, they don't feel deserving, they will go into business meetings and then they will just take whatever is given. They'll take the scraps.
(15:35) And when I I call it scraps and and I don't mean to insult by saying that, but what I mean by scraps is they'll just take what's given rather than >> going into a space where they feel deserving. And this is where people can then walk all over them or can take advantage of them or people will then see it's like what you mentioned earlier about their self-esteem because they have this low self-esteem.
(15:53) They don't see themselves as being um um enough. So they see everyone else and they put everyone on this pedestal, they've got it all together. So you keep in your power. So by you giving them the power, you miss out on these amazing opportunities that could come your way. >> It's just reaffirming that like inner world really creates your outer world.
(16:13) >> Yeah. >> I was having a conversation literally yesterday. Yesterday I was at a bar with my friend and um we were discussing him going on a date and we came to the conclusion that like self-esteem really determines everything. >> Everything. Everything, >> right? Like it's like that will give you the cards of life in terms of what you pick and choose and how you show up and how you operate.
(16:31) >> If you have high self-esteem, you can go into any meeting. You can go into any relationship and hold space and equally have your own power. >> And it's also like how you show up dayto-day. Like sometimes self-esteem is like you'll look down. You can't give someone eye contact. Your shoulders are hunched. You feel very tense.
(16:45) You're not able to like just show up and really be in your in your body because there's a fear of like I shouldn't take up space. I shouldn't take up space because I'm not worthy to. But you you'll show up in that like way in your body as well. And people feel that like energy speaks. So when you're showing up in a certain way, you're going on a date, people will pick up on that.
(17:01) >> Something spec as specific as high functioning anxiety, how does that show up in a relationship? What does that look like? >> So when we think of high functioning anxiety in relationships, that can be that you're not showing up as your authentic self. So like on the back of my book, I've got like the two different sides that you have.
(17:19) So you might be um showing up like you everything's fine, everything's okay. Like say if you've come back from work and you've had a really busy day, it's been really stressful, then you've come home and you've noticed that your partner um might not be okay. It might be like, "Oh, I'm just going to ignore my own needs um right now.
(17:32) " Um and I'm not going to tell them what's going on for me because I'm just going to ignore it. So, you're often just ignoring your own needs, not communicating effectively, not really sharing your authentic self because you might also be people pleasing. You might be overcompensating, you might be hyper aware, hyper independent.
(17:48) So, where's the relationship aspect and the deeper communication? And often people will say to me um like I don't feel like the other my my partner understands and I'm like but are you sharing what's going on for you? And they're like no but I don't want to because if I share I might come across weak or I might come across like I haven't got it together.
(18:02) But that's often comes from their trauma of where they've learned that sharing emotion might be weak or sharing emotion wasn't held in the way that they wanted to or maybe they were told by their parents or their caregivers like don't show me that or don't talk to me like that or or don't cry in front of me like that.
(18:16) So whatever's happened, they've learned to shut down their emotions. But that then also continues in relationships where they choose to shut down their emotions because they don't know how to then speak about their emotions because they've never done it before. So then they're not showing up being their full authentic self.
(18:30) >> How can a partner of someone with high functioning anxiety behave to help that person with high functioning anxiety? So for me it's about the values and the foundation you have within your relationship of compassion, empathy, understanding. Like those are the the base of any relationship. So no matter what you're going through, you still have that love there for one another and the support there for one another.
(18:51) >> What's the biggest issue that you see in couples therapy? >> People sometimes aren't honest about how they're feeling, but they're not honest with themselves. Rather than them feeling that they can be honest and share how they might be feeling about something, they worry about causing conflict or upsetting the other person.
(19:05) So they they won't say anything but then in the end it builds up builds up builds up builds up and then it becomes resentment it becomes anger and sometimes it might be that they've tried to share something with this person but that hasn't gone down well in the way that they've wanted it to. So instead what they've done is this person they've created a rule in their head this person will not understand me.
(19:24) So it's better not to talk about things with this person because they're not going to get it. >> So they feel like their partner is not receiving their emotions in the right way. So let's just shut down. deal with it internally but not actually deal with it and then resentment builds and then that obviously creates more problems.
(19:37) >> And then how does that come out then with the resentment? Because someone they might say one little thing like why have you left your shoes there? That's it. >> What do you mean? Why do you always nag at me? Why are you doing this? And then everything will come out because it's not we haven't been regulating it.
(19:50) So it could just be one little thing then that brings everything and your partner's just like what what's wrong with you? Why are you doing that? And then that cause a problem because they're like all I'm saying is one thing and then that becomes an argument in itself. And it was never to do with the shoes. layers and layers of focus on this.
(20:11) I think it's also important like not in that moment to be like why are you lashing out can we talk about this? Maybe they don't want to right now. Maybe that's where you need to understand like if they are lashing out or they they're having um like or they're feeling quite angry. There needs to be an agreement in place like okay if something if you do show up with this strong emotion what would you want me to do? Do you want me to sit with you? Do you want me to talk through it? Or do you want me to like go away and have
(20:34) some space? And then when you're ready, then we talk about it. So, there needs to be some sort of agreement because if they're if if they're like um feeling very angry and then you're saying something more and then that's making them more more angry, that's not a good place to be for both of you because that person you may not feel understood and you're not like feeling like you're getting your needs met.
(20:52) So, I think it's really important to understand one another. So when you are feeling certain things, what do you need from the other person and sit and talk about these things and don't wait for something to blow up for these things to happen, you can start talking about them beforehand. I think that's really important to do rather than thinking, oh, we've got this um amazing relationship cuz we don't argue.
(21:10) It's like no, if there is conflict, talk about it, discuss it, like talk through things to understand the other person rather than just like, oh no, no, I don't want to. >> I'm definitely the type of person I will shut down. I think it's also, and maybe you can share insight on this, I know I can be quite aggressive if in my words, so I'm better off just shutting down.
(21:26) And that's always been my like go-to default, which just like just shut down, walk away, figure it out, and then come back. >> It's so interesting, isn't it? It's like if I lose control, I don't trust that I will be able to manage my emotions. So, it's safer for me right now to shut down because I've thought 10 steps ahead.
(21:42) That doesn't look good. So, it's better just to shut down. But then we also need to look at your partner and be like, "Right, what do they think? Do they think that when you shut down, do they feel like abandoned? Do they feel rejected? What's going on for them? Because if they understand this is how you work and why you're doing what you're doing, there's some sort of understanding there.
(21:58) So, it gives them space to be like, "Okay, look, you need to go away. You need to think about this cuz I can see that it's it's like brought some stuff up, but how about we sit down at some point later to to talk about it?" So, you both got that space, but you understand why rather than creating a narrative in your head like this person doesn't care about me.
(22:13) >> So, I'll typically say like, "I need to go away and think about this." So I'm almost I'm saying like we will have a conversation on this and I will hold space and I actually come back better. I will come back better because in that like now I'm not operating from a place of emotion.
(22:25) I'm operating from a place of like okay I've worked through this logically speaking here's how we should be addressing it and then moving forward. >> If you know how you work then you can do something about it. If you don't know and then every time there's a conversation you just lash out or you say things that you can't take back.
(22:38) So, in that space, you might also be saying things because your your cup is full and your cup's full and it's like, I don't know what to do with this. And you keep poking at me and I'm just going to throw the water at you. And it's like that's not really what you want to do. And because you can't take that back and then how does that then impact the relationship moving forwards because that can cause a lot more sort of damage because you're saying things or doing things that you can't take back.
(23:02) But if you know that this is what helps you, this is what regulates you, and you're both happy and and can work through that, then that's a good thing. Good girl syndrome. What is good girl syndrome? >> Good girl syndrome is a it's not something that we diagnose. So we don't go in and we say here look you're diagnosed with this.
(23:17) But it's about people learning to follow the rules. So often um we we relate it to just girls but it's not just girls. It can be um guys as well. But you you've learned to follow the rules. You have to do everything that the rules will say. So you doing that means like okay you need to act in a certain way. You need to behave in a certain way.
(23:32) you need to do things in a certain way because that's what's expected of you in society rather than you being nurtured into what's right for you, what's authentic for you. And I've shared a lot of videos of this online and people relate to it and they say, "I've been following the rules. I've never I'm not actually happy within myself.
(23:47) I'm not following a career that I want to um follow. I'm married. I'm in I've got children and I don't feel like I've been given the another um path to follow. Instead, I just thought that this was the path for me and this is what I've I've never questioned. I've never had the thoughts of there is another way to think about things. It's like no, no, no.
(24:04) This is what's expected. So, you've just been that good girl following all the rules, doing everything that everyone else wants you to be, listening to what everyone else needs from you. So, you've just been giving, giving, giving. >> And where has it been like the the space for you to nurture yourself? You've never known that because it's always been about how do I give to others? How do I give to others? >> What's the root cause of good girl syndrome? >> It's you not being able to express your needs. So, you're having this anxious
(24:25) attachment. You don't want to upset other people. you're um uh constantly hyper sensitive to others. So, you've learned that okay, if I'm hungry, but that person looks hungry and that person looks hungry, so let me give them the food first before I feed myself and I will just manage. I'll just deal with it.
(24:41) So, you learn to be very hyperindependent where you don't rely on anyone else um to meet your needs. You learn to meet your needs yourself. So, that might be shutting away your emotions. Um it might be that you cry by yourself because you feel like you can't rely on other anyone else to do or to be there for you.
(24:58) So that can go again back to our attachments, early attachments. And it's not blaming our parents or our caregivers, but it's making sense of how did you learn to show up in the world? Where did your sense of self come from? And if your sense of self is one where you feel like I can't share or I can't talk to others, what's that about? What's really going on there? And it might be that maybe your parents were avoidant.
(25:18) Maybe your parents didn't know how to express their emotions or give you space, but you also understand that rather than carrying the anger and the resentment round with you, it's making sense of what's happened. What happened to your little girl? Why did your little girl learn that she couldn't go to her parents to give her what she needed? And not even just with girls, it's with guys as well.
(25:35) And people will say, again, very very common thing is, I had a really good childhood. I'm okay. Right. So when you're then trying to break down because again people are protective of their parents and everyone and I agree and I I completely get why people are protective because if we think of our parents my my dad he came from India um and he was born in India came here and he started um his sort of like working life um in the UK but for me it's like okay dad was also very busy but when I understand his journey I'm I can make sense of it so it allows me to
(26:04) understand um my patterns and why I am the way that I am. So when we sort of step back and understand what our parents may have gone through being in that survival mode and a lot of our if you're a second gen um you will notice that the first gen that came here they were very much in survival mode very much like how are we going to make ends meet so their goal was to provide for their kids to give their kids a good upbringing and often it's because they didn't get it so they were like we want to make sure our kids get it but it
(26:32) wasn't understanding like maybe this is what is this what our kids need. It wasn't about nurturing and offering that support because they didn't know that. So we have to also understand their perspective and where they come from. But that's also a grieving process in itself is you making sense of the parents that you thought that you wanted versus the parents that you have and how do you continue having a healthy relationship with your parents once you're grieving um these needs that weren't met? >> How can someone who has good girl
(26:56) syndrome like what steps should they be taking? >> I would say first of all and this is with anyone who feels that there's things going on for them is start noticing what your triggers are. So if you're around certain people like say for example you are out with your friends and you're sitting around a table and I don't know the one of your friends goes around and asks everyone else what do they want to drink but they don't come to you and then you're feeling sitting really isolated and thinking oh god see no one even wants me
(27:18) to be here no one cares about me and this this we create our own narrative I want you to sit with that trigger sit with that feeling start journaling about it where else do you show up in that way where you're noticing that you feel abandoned you feel like you're not seen where else does that come from because you'll start noticing and learning a lot more about yourself rather than just being like, I'm just going to stay quiet and not say anything because if I say something, I'm going to cause a problem and I don't want to be a problem. It's
(27:41) like why sit with the narrative that's coming up for you and start making sense of it. >> It all links back to self-esteem. >> And what is self-esteem? Self-esteem is our the sense of self that we hold of how we feel worthy in ourel. And that's the root of high functioning anxiety. It's the root of a lot of people that struggle and are going through things in life. It's I don't feel like I'm enough.
(27:59) Something I heard year ago, it was a it was a real I was watching Tom Billy explaining like if you have aggression, use it. >> Yeah. >> And I'm relating it to this like can you not use your traumas accelerate the process of getting to where you want to get to. So when you say for example this idea of like not being enough I think that shows up in a lot of celebrities, right? They obviously didn't feel like they were enough and then they chase fame but now they're in a position where they have the fame. Can you not kind of
(28:22) almost use your traumas? I know this sounds like almost like a a childish question but I'm genuinely curious. It's like I think about my life and I'm like I know there are traumas there, but I also know they're fueling me to get to get me to where I want to go. >> Again, when I'm working with entrepreneurs, the biggest thing is when we start working together, I'll ask questions like, what is this driving force that's driving you into the business and and the work that you're doing? And people will say because of
(28:44) this, this, this, and I'm like, is that intentional? Is that you doing it because you feel that fire? You feel like you're showing up in the way that you want to, or are you doing it because it's earning you money? it's doing what it's doing, but you're having to like force yourself to get up dayto-day. You're not really feeling the buzz.
(28:59) You're not really connected with yourself. So, how are you really showing up dayto-day in not just in life, but also in in your business world as well? Because everyone's passion comes from different spaces, but when you start understanding the things that perhaps you didn't get or the things that you've gone through, it helps you to connect with the fire within you.
(29:14) >> You said growing up you felt like you weren't enough. >> Yeah. >> Do you think that relates to this? >> Yeah, definitely. So, for years and years, I'm one of five, so I'm the second oldest. Um, growing up as a female as well, I feel like there was definitely there was male privilege growing up.
(29:29) Um, male privilege where boys would eat first, so grandma would be like, "Oh, the the food's come call your brothers." Women will be like, "Well, the girls will be like serving um and looking out." So, in my head that was a norm. So, you always um second best, but that's not No one told you that. That was like just the patterns that my grandparents grow um grew up with and that's what they were just continuing.
(29:49) So, you learn, oh, okay, boys need to eat first. So, it's not about your needs. It's not about whether you're hungry or not. It just becomes a norm that this is what happens until you get to a certain age and I was like, but hang on. This isn't fair. Like, why is it that my brother doesn't do the Hoover? Why doesn't my brother do the mop? Why do I have to do this? So, you get to a point where you start questioning things.
(30:06) But if you don't know that these things are going on, how can you then challenge and question them? >> So, it's almost like training your mind into feeling like you're not enough because of these little things that would happen in these cultures. Like, >> but that's it. Like, when people come in to therapy, they're like, I had a really good upbringing.
(30:20) So when you sit with that, you're like, "Okay." But when you start breaking it down and you then start saying, "Right, what was your relationship like with mom? What was it like with dad? What was it like this? And what was this? What was this?" People are like, "Oh, I never saw it like that. I never thought of it like that.
(30:33) " So it's it's easy for us to get lost in, yeah, yeah, everything was fine, but was it fine? And it's not saying that you're looking for problems. What you're doing is you're starting to understand patterns of, okay, I'm in this space right now. I don't feel like I'm enough, but where does that come from? Because it comes from somewhere. >> You weren't born that you weren't good enough. like that's not what happened.
(30:49) Something has gone on where and it could be subtle cues like of the boys eating first where you learn okay like I need to now um wait for the boys and then your narrative is they they must be better than me or I'm not deserving to eat first so there must be something wrong with me. So you start to create narratives that are subconscious because as a as a young child you don't really realize that this is what's going on.
(31:10) >> You know as you're saying this I actually feel so guilty. I can see your face like changing. What's going on? >> Because I just I I had a similar household growing up where like all the >> I never did. I never did. And I was always I would always eat with my cuz I had mainly female cousins and my sister.
(31:26) So I'd always eat with the girls. But I never knew the impact of what it's creating until this very moment where you've just said that like you're literally telling the entire family that girls come second, boys come first, and so girls will start to feel like they're not enough. >> But it just gives you a different perspective of cuz no one's doing it intentionally. Yeah.
(31:42) >> Um, everyone's doing it from their own patterns. So, growing up, um, I know my grandparents in in India and the things that they've been through, they would have learned being a certain way or being a woman, you have to act in a certain way. Um, and that then continues. So, if they've moved to the UK, we're like we're we're between two cultures where culture at home is is one way and then you're in the western world, you're going to school and you see other things going on.
(32:04) So, there's like these two different sides that you're trying to like where do I fit? What's going on? What's happening? And then when you're at home, you're you're trying to you show up in one way or you're not heard or you're not seen because emotions aren't given the space because that's not seen as a priority. It's like no, you need to go and do your education, you need to go and do this.
(32:21) You have to also look at that. And often we are we're we're in um households where different siblings will show up differently. They all go down different career paths. But if we're then being compared to or your cousin over there or this person over here and it could be subtle things where your parents might be um saying things about them but then they don't say it about you.
(32:39) It's just being open and noticing things and talking about them when they do show up. >> I'm realizing in this conversation that everything pretty much stems back to self-esteem. So I feel like if I'm going to be a parent and I want to I want the best for my kids and obviously I can't be super conscious of every little thing that I say because that's just impossible.
(32:57) the best thing I can do is work on my self-esteem because that's going to spill over into how I show up for my child and then obviously their years thereafter in the impact of that >> and also looking at their self-esteem like how do we grow their self-esteem what are things that you can do like having an everyday check-in with them and that becomes a space where you can just talk and and do some like play things and just talk about the day like my sister does that and and I think it's just a lovely thing where you just talk about right what was good today what
(33:22) wasn't so good and just having that conversation so you're regulating their emotions and you're setting them up right from a young age to have that space with you as well. >> As you were speaking, I was thinking about um ADHD. I was thinking about how people with ADHD must show up in relationships.
(33:35) So before we get into relationships, let's talk about ADHD. I want to I want to learn more about it. >> There's different types of ADHD. So there's um ADHD where cuz I remember growing up and ADHD wasn't um spoken about unless it was a naughty child at school. So naughty child was a child who was acting out.
(33:51) And I do that because um that's not what the definition is. And there's a lot of women now that are being diagnosed where again very similar to high functioning anxiety. They've showed up but they've learned the the art of masking. So they've learned to show up being that good girl being the person who's there for everyone else and everyone thinks so they're the quiet they're getting on with it like their reports are good.
(34:08) They're obviously doing well but that's a different form of um ADHD that more and more women now that might be going through menopause or they they're going through certain things that are going up, they're being diagnosed. So, I was a late um someone who was late diagnosed um in my early 20s.
(34:24) I was diagnosed with ADHD and that was I was doing my PhD at the time and they mentioned um a few things and then one of the psychiatrists mentioned a few things and then I was working with people with ADHD and I was like this is me like this is crazy but it's how do you show up rather than just labeling yourself and giving yourself that label.
(34:38) It's like no, you're not saying that okay I am this and that's why I can get distracted really easily or this is why I mask. It's like no, let me go deeper and understand that and make sense of it. So there's so many different um forms of how people show up with ADHD. So when I work with people that do present with ADHD, everyone's like everyone's symptoms are different.
(34:57) So one person might be that they're more outward. So you can see it like their their foot is constantly tapping. You can tell that they're distracted. You can tell that they're like really struggling to focus and but for some people you can't tell you they just mask it really well and they like you can tell. Well, I can tell.
(35:13) I can see when people are ruminating. I'm like, "Are you ruminating? What's going on?" But you might just be processing and thinking about things, but you might not be present. So that's the like when people have leared to mask is this conversation might not be stimulating for me, so I'm going to get lost in my head um and start doing things because that's been one of their coping strategies to deal with being in situations that they've had to be in like school.
(35:32) >> What are symptoms of ADHD typically? >> So there's different types of ADHD. There's the ADHD that we have where we can find it really um difficult to focus on things. We can hyperfocus at times. you can get lost down a rabbit hole and you're constantly searching um or you get interested in something and you you by like two three days you know everything off by heart and you you become an expert in that nodding at everything here um but that's one form there's another form as well which means that it can be really hard to finish
(35:58) tasks um so there's different types of ADHD so we need to be mindful of how do you show up with your ADHD so there's a high functioning side where you show up you are able to like learn things you pick up things really quickly you pick up on people's behaviors. You've run 10 steps ahead.
(36:14) You've understood and finished the conversation of where this is heading with certain people. You've thought about your day. You've planned everything. You're just like, "Yes, yes, yes." So, there's different ways that it does um it shows up. But again, the more you understand it that this is the way your brain works, then you can help yourself because you understand how like the rules of how you how you operate.
(36:31) >> Yeah. How you operate dayto-day and it can be beneficial in that way. >> What are your thoughts on medication? >> Um there is medication for it. Um and it's >> is it necessary? >> It's not necessary. I think again depends on your the symptoms that you're presenting with and if you can learn to understand what these symptoms are and to work through like some tools and some techniques that can help you.
(36:49) So if you know you you're someone who will hyperfocus. Um and then there's days where you'll procrastinate and there's days where you know that um I know I need to do these 10 things on my list but I never get to any of them until like the last hour of the day. You're smiling again. And when it's the last hour of the day that's when then I'll get everything done.
(37:06) So, if you know you're going to do that and that's what's going to happen, it's like actually I can spend two, three hours doing something I enjoy because I know I've got that space and rather than me just sitting there procrastinating and cleaning out all the cupboards and doing this and doing this, I can then do that instead.
(37:19) Do something nice and then do that. Or you say, "Okay, I've got this hour here. I'm going to do all my work and then I get to treat myself to that something that I want to do." So, you plan your day in that way rather than thinking but then not doing. And a lot of people will say to me um that have ADHD, they'll say, "I'm not writing things down.
(37:34) and writing down the things that I'm I'm planning for because they have these high expectations of themselves. So, they're like, "But I I should do this." But sometimes they um come back and they say, "This was the simplest thing that I've changed in my life is just writing down what I'm going to be doing throughout my day and that's changed my life.
(37:48) " Practicing something like gratitude daily can just change your whole entire day and your mood and how you're showing up dayto-day. >> So, what you're saying is almost lean into it. >> Y >> like accept it, lean into it, use it >> in your own way. Y >> can meditation be a cure for ADHD? meditation helps and again people have different types of meditation.
(38:08) So I know guided meditation tends to work really well um for people with ADHD because um it gives them something to focus on because otherwise the brain will just drift off somewhere completely different and start ruminating and thinking about something different. So I think it's about trying to just trial and error.
(38:22) Start noticing what are some of the things that um work for you and one day something might work for you the next day doesn't work for you and and you just keep triing different things like don't feel this is it has to be fixed this way doesn't have to be fixed in that way. Rule of life is we are work in progress and different things are going to keep coming our way.
(38:40) Trial and error different things. >> I remember around 4 years ago I used to have such a rigid morning routine. >> Yeah. It was like 5:00 a.m. wake up, meditate for 2 hours, go to the gym, then start work. And it was like a four or five hour routine. And I remember like feeling so bad about myself every time I didn't do the routine.
(38:58) And it was like almost like a light bulb moment when I realized like I think I have ADHD and it's okay that I'm not going to stick to this schedule and it's okay that some days it will work for me and some days it won't. And so I almost just had to lean into it like okay, this will work for me.
(39:12) Sometimes this sometimes won't work for me. And that's been transformational. like I have felt so much better not needing to kind of fit into a certain way or a certain box. Very much like you said, it was like I was like, "Oh, it's weak if I don't do that. Should just get on with it." But then I realized actually no, me trying to get on with it is actually more harmful than than good for me.
(39:27) >> Isn't it so interesting like when you're speaking um and you're you're talking about that is the regulation of guilt. Guilt is like sitting on your shoulder saying you're a bad person because you haven't done this. You're a bad person because you haven't done this. So you've said to yourself, "Okay, I'm going to do this morning routine.
(39:40) " And then you didn't do it one day. Your guilt creeps in. is screaming at you. But what we want to do is learn to regulate that guilt and not um that has helped me. It's okay for me not to do it. So it's like you developing again that relationship with self and making sense of how do I regulate the emotions that are coming up for me because it's the emotions that are the glue to how we see the reality that we live in.
(40:08) So your reality there when you're noticing that I'm not getting up and doing my morning routine through the lens of guilt is I'm a bad person. You should be doing this. But when you start looking through the lens of compassion, you see a very different um perspective. You say actually it's okay if I'm not doing it. That's okay. And maybe I just need to look at why am I not doing it? Am I sabotaging? Am I doing this? What's my intention behind not doing it? Making sense of it.
(40:29) But it comes from that compassionate >> um process rather than the the the other emotions taking over. >> I love that. I love the concept of lens. >> Yeah. >> Like just changing the lens that you're looking at this thing. So I'm not looking at this from a place of guilt. I'm looking at this from a place of compassion.
(40:44) What would that look like? >> So if you're the guilt is coming in and the guilt is like you're you're really bad. You should have woken up today and then after that you're trying to find some form of control now. So throughout the day. So if you're feeling guilt, guilt is telling you I'm a bad person. Tend to then feel shame after.
(40:59) Shame is then you saying I'm I feel like I'm a really bad person. I'm I'm awful. And then you then will continue down that path the rest of the day where you might be then pushing yourself into doing things that you know can help you or that you feel like you should be doing because you felt like you're a bad person and now you need to fill up your cup or what you will um end up doing is um you can go down the path of just being like you know what I've started off the day like this the rest of my day I'm not going to go gym now not going to
(41:24) do this now I'm not going to do this now I've messed up I've started the day like that you're smiling again and then I'm not going to do any of these things so that day is just a write off and you know it's going to be a write off your food's going to be out of sorts. Everything's going to be out of sorts. And you're like, I'll start again tomorrow.
(41:38) So, when you're managing the compassion, it's like, okay, guilt is saying this. So, if my compassion or if my friend was coming here and they've been through this, what would my compassion say to them? Also, just writing in two different colors like writing out the situation, writing down what does your guilt say with one color and then bringing out another color of compassion and then writing out what does my compassion say? So, again, that stop that pause.
(41:57) >> So, the nuggets I'm taking away so far is like, okay, self-esteem for sure. So you hold your power lens. How are you looking at yourself? Are you coming from a place of compassion or are you coming from a place of guilt? And that's going to show up how you operate. >> So how you regulate your emotions in that in through looking through the lens? Because when you're looking through the lens that needs to come from the space of you being able to understand what color lens am I putting on.
(42:19) >> I want to talk about anxiety archetype. What are the anxiety archetypes? >> So there's different types of archetypes that we can have and archetypes again are ways of us feeling relatable to other people. Also, I've spoken about like different archetypes throughout my book um because I just think it's really important that we make sense of like what what are some of the things that we present with.
(42:38) So, for example, you might be someone who is uh an overinker. So, what does an overinker mean? An overinker is someone who is constantly thinking about um everything, every little choice, every little decision that you're making. Your mind will go into that space of thinking of like 10 different scenarios that have happened with that all at once.
(42:55) So, it's like trying to make sense of that. Um with the overthinking it can lead to catastrophizing as well. So you're catastrophizing and thinking of worst case scenario all the time. Um and that hasn't even happened. So then you get confused between what is your imagination but your body experiences the imagination.
(43:12) So you're now in a space that hasn't even happened but your body's experiencing it. So what then does that do is you'll avoid doing certain things now just in case that happens. So the overthinking side we really want to try and manage because it can take you down rabbit holes that you don't really need to go um into. So another symptom or another archetype could be perfectionism.
(43:30) So perfectionism is about how how do you show up? So you might outwardly show up that I've got everything together. I need to be perfect. But what does perfect mean? Because every single person has a different version of what perfect means. So you need to also ask yourself why do I why do I present in that way? And often it's because you worry about um people judging you.
(43:51) So to stop someone judging you, you've leared the masking of showing up in a certain way. So you're keeping yourself safe. >> So we've got overthinker, we've got perfectionist, >> the overresponsible one. >> So the over responsible one is someone who is always the one who's like in control, takes control of everything, and is over responsible.
(44:10) So you might say, "Oh, I've I'm have to stay till late today cuz I got so much work to do, and I could really do with some help." and I've got my um like workload, but I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, I'll do some more work for you because I can get through it." Because I trust that I'll be able to do it.
(44:24) But it's also me learning to constantly be that yes person and being over responsible in that way where I take responsibility and I carry things that don't belong to me. But I do it because I may really struggle to manage my emotions um and my guilt or I feel bad for the other person. So I think I'll just do it myself. It's again like these leaders who will keep people in jobs because um they're over responsible so they worry about the other person.
(44:48) But there's something really powerful in that and it's a story I tend to share is that um there's a story of the the butterfly and and um the child and this child um is is captured this butterfly and he's put it in his hands and he's like right I've got this butterfly and here it is and he's just captured it and then he's waiting to to show it to his mom and his mom's busy doing something and then eventually mom comes and he shows the butterfly and the butterfly didn't get oxygen so the the butterfly is now it's sort of like
(45:13) >> yeah we can leave that to our imagination but the point is sometimes we hold on to people and we hold on to things and we think that we're doing the best for them, but we're not. We're not always doing the best for them and we don't allow them to be free in their own way, but that's our stuff rather than it them.
(45:28) So, we're capturing and we're keeping people because of our own emotions rather than what's right for them. So, we need need to just be mindful of that. Then we have the achiever. The achiever is someone who excels and is constantly successful in the things that they're doing. Um, and they may set these very high expectations for themselves and they may reach them, but they may not always reach them.
(45:46) And if they don't reach them, they can then beat themselves up and then they will set something else higher and then they'll keep running after the next thing, the next thing. Then we have the organizer. The organizer is someone who's um there's always someone in the group who will take lead of I'll do this and I'll do this and I'll organize this and I'll um arrange this.
(46:02) They're the ones who always feel like they're in control by organizing. And it might be that they don't trust other people to do the job. That's why they do it. Then we have the people pleaser. Pleaser archetype is again you showing up and giving the world what you feel like they need to. So you're very sensitive towards other people and the way that they're showing up, what's going on for them.
(46:20) And then we have number seven, which is the avoider. And the avoider archetype is someone who just ignores um their emotional self, ignores the things that are going on and just keeps going on to the next thing, the next thing because they're the avoider. Now, all of these archetypes are part of high functioning anxiety.
(46:38) Um but you might be more of one than the other one. So, I've got this quiz online that people can do and that gives them more insight into which one they fall more into to help them understand why they show up that way. So, it's not that I am this, it's like no, why am I this? Where does this come from? So, you have the curiosity with that.
(46:53) >> Yeah, they can find that on your Instagram. >> What you described seven, that sounds like most of the population. So, I'm trying to now understand what does someone look like? Who is what would a person look like who doesn't fall into any of those categories. So when we think of high function anxiety, it's often like and also the symptoms that we've just spoken about is like very similar to imposter syndrome.
(47:12) And there's research that has been done on imposter syndrome. Like 70% of the population struggle with it, but yet no one talks about it. And this is why this is so important to me because so many of us are silently struggling with anxiety, but we don't talk about it. So there's the anxiety that you have where it debilitates you.
(47:29) It stops you from doing things. It stops you from going out. It stops you from eating certain things, doing certain things. But this type of anxiety is very silent. It's silent because you are looking and and you look like you've got everything together, but that's not how you're really feeling inside.
(47:44) So, you can keep going and going and going in life until you hit that brick wall, which is often usually um you feeling very overwhelmed because you're burnt out, you're disconnected, you're lonely, and all of that has a physical impact. Like there's studies done with loneliness and loneliness being similar to having 15 cigarettes a day.
(48:02) So physically, what is that doing to you dayto-day? If you're showing up in this way where this silent anxiety is in the background, it's actually having a profound impact on your body. And this is why it's so important to have more conversations so people understand that this is what's showing up for them. >> Loneliness is equivalent to 15 cigarettes a day.
(48:17) >> Yeah. 15. So imagine 15 cigarettes a day. The impact that that's having on your body. Research has shown that that's what loneliness does. And if you think about loneliness, we are in probably the um an era of loneliness. So many people feel disconnected. They go on their phones, they might scroll on social media, they feel this like quick connection with other people, but they're creating narratives of like look, everyone else has got other people around me them.
(48:43) I'm the only one that might be by myself. So loneliness is a silent again a silent killer and it's impacted. We're in an epidemic of loneliness and again people are struggling but no one's talking about it because everyone feels like it's embarrassing or it's weak or I don't want to come across like I'm needy but you're not needy if you're lonely.
(48:58) We're human beings. We need to be around people. >> Yeah. What should someone do if they're feeling lonely? >> Sit with it. Sit with what the loneliness feels like. And also why do you feel lonely? Because you can be around a table of people and still feel lonely. So what is that about? Because you might have people around you.
(49:14) So, are you lacking in these meaningful connections? You might be a CEO of a company and you're you're feeling like I'm always the one that has to have it like together all the time. I'm always the one who's managing everyone else, but what about me? But you get to that point where you feel exhausted. You feel tired and you feel no one sees me.
(49:30) I'm there giving it to everyone else. So, where is your tribe of people? Where can you start connecting to places? Because it's never too late to meet your people. And that can change and fluctuate through life as well as you're going through your different seasons. What can I do and anyone else listening to this to ensure we're doing our bit to help anyone else feeling lonely? >> Ask people how are you? Yeah.
(49:51) >> And not just Yeah, I'm good. How are you? What's that about? Why is someone just quickly run up and I know I'm I do that a lot is yeah I'm good. So yeah, how's how are things for you? But my friends and they know what I'm like and they're like Lolita come on tell us properly what's going on and then I have the space to do it.
(50:09) So give people, offer people space and again don't be over responsible about it. You can talk to someone and say look um it is something going on because again loneliness people you won't know some of the most high achieving individuals out there that you think aren't lonely you think aren't happy. They're the ones that aren't happy.
(50:27) They're the ones that aren't um feeling something because they're showing up as being this person that has it together, that has this fame, that has his success, but inside they don't really feel seen because people see them for the fame. They see them for the success, but behind all of that there's a human being. And sometimes we look at people and we will start talking to them based on what we know of them rather than who they are behind all of that.
(50:50) So behind me as a psychologist is a human being, behind someone who's a business owner, there's a real person there. So really sit with them and ask them how people are like sit with what's going on for that person. >> Are good girls always and only >> are good girls. Yeah. Unless you do until you do your healing work and you start realizing what meaningful connections are and start doing that in a work where you feel like okay I can express now what's going on for me and what's happening.
(51:12) I think then you get to a point where you feel deserving of relationships because you feel like it's okay to be seen. Whereas before it was not okay to be seen. Your your needs didn't matter. So you would continue like that in life thinking um my needs don't matter. So you're that caregiver. You're the one who's there for everyone else. You're the empath.
(51:31) You're the high achiever. So people think that you don't need them or that you've got everything together. But in the background that's not what's going on. You you do feel like that. But because you keep giving and giving and giving, people get used to it. And also the people that you end up surrounding yourself with tend to be more of the takers and they don't know then how to give back to you because you never been someone who's been vulnerable.
(51:51) I had a friend very similar, a good girl, and then ended up going through a relationship breakdown. And when she looked at her circle, she needed to talk through things and she was like, "There's no one here. Like, no one I'm going to places. I'm trying to talk, but people, they just they're just not able to get it." And then she started doing her own inner journey and realized that people that she surrounded herself with have been people that she's just ended up um having there because she felt needed and of value because she kept adding value by being there for
(52:16) them. But when it came to her needing it and the first time she's ever needed something, it was really difficult for her to start to realize that there's no one actually here for me. >> You know, it's crazy as you're describing that experience. I went through an experience like that and I just didn't see it as loneliness.
(52:30) >> Yeah. What did you see as >> I just saw it as these aren't great friends. >> Isn't it also about loneliness is human connection? It's about how do we connect with others? Is it that we're blaming not that you're blaming your friends, but we can look at people and we can say like they're not able to provide, but sometimes we need to learn.
(52:44) Um I remember my research at university and the research that I did was how is it that our interpersonal relationships are impacted if we develop in self-awareness. And what I found um was really interesting because when we do develop in self-aware awareness and self-esteem, we want different things in our relationships because we're now yearning and we're looking for what meaning actually is.
(53:05) We're no longer at just accepting anything. It's like we want something deeper. But sometimes we have to communicate that to other people and let them know the journey that we're on. Because if you're not giving them a chance to sit and understand what you're going through, how can they also start to meet you halfway? Because for them, they may just not realize that this is what you want because they've always just been giving you um things that have always just like worked for you.
(53:26) Now all of a sudden, you're changing, but maybe they don't know how you're changing. And this is where conversation is really important and communication. And there may also be people that can't give you what you need. But then that's where it's like actually where else can I find other people who are similar to me? So opening up, having conversations, showing vulnerability, and then if it's still you're not getting your needs met, then it's a matter of >> Yeah.
(53:46) exploring >> because there's a lot online is like cut people out and just putting a boundary. >> Does that does that does that is that bad? Yeah. >> I think there's like this culture of just cut people out and it's like but sometimes are we just cutting people out because we're uncomfortable with something or something's going on for us.
(54:02) I think we have to be really mindful of are we just cutting people out because we're uncomfortable but is that our work that also needs to be done there? I cut people out because I find that they no longer align with where I'm going. >> Is that a conversation that you've had with yourself and some work that you've done? >> That's typically what I found whenever I'm cutting someone off.
(54:18) It's because I've unders I' I've analyzed certain behaviors, certain values that I'm seeing, certain principles that they're abiding by and I'm >> those values, principles, behaviors no longer align with where I'm at in life. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, I think there's like different ways of doing things. If say for example someone's made you angry and you're like right they're toxic because they've made me angry so I'm going to cut them out.
(54:38) >> It's like okay right you've been triggered to feel angry about something sit and work on what that's about because there is going to be another archetype or someone that comes into your life that will present with the same thing. So are you going to keep cutting out everyone that makes you angry? I think that's where I'm like mindful with why are we just cutting people out.
(54:55) We need to also understand where does that come from? So if someone doesn't align with you or you've seen things and you're like actually this doesn't really work for me and it's not connecting. It's like, yeah, that's I'm not doing it in a way where it's like, yep, okay, you're not serving me or you're not doing this.
(55:05) I'm just going to get rid of you. >> How do you How do you know the difference, though? Like, how do you know is this person being toxic or am I the problem? Basically, are they the problem or am I the problem? >> Who Why does someone have to be a problem? Why Why does there have to be one person who's the villain and one person who's the hero? Why can't it be that actually right now we're just not aligning? We're in different different frequencies.
(55:24) We're on different journeys. We're on different motorways. And that's okay. We're both on motorways, but we're just in different spaces, and we're not aligned in the direction that we're going down. But they might come back. >> How do I know? Okay, this is something I need to be sitting with. >> I think intentional sit with this person.
(55:42) So, say for example, someone's coming in and um I don't know, they might be out all the time and they might be saying things or doing things that are inappropriate and that's your version of inappropriate. So, if you're feeling like, okay, what is this bringing up for me? Sit with that. But then you can also try and have a conversation with that person because that might also help that person to realize because you're holding the mirror up to them to help them see what you see.
(56:02) So you could also be giving them insight into what's happening. But you might also be like that's not my my stuff. I don't want to deal with that and right now that's not my priority. So I'm just going to continue. So it's like how do you value the relationships that you have around you and this relationship in particular? How do you value it? So where where do you come from? >> Thank you so much for watching, listening, and engaging with this.
(56:21) Please, please, please comment your thoughts. Comment anything any of your realizations from this and feel free to comment any other things that you want me to talk
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