90% of People DON'T Get This About Love.... | TJW-65 @ektadbspeaks
Author Name:Shobha Rana
Youtube Channel Url:https://www.youtube.com/@iamshobharana
Youtube Video URL:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DezybSeRjFs
Transcript:
(00:00) what is the simplest way to understand love a lot of times we feel that oh I have to be in a certain way or a certain degree in order to feel validated and loved by this person to which that's love no that's condition love is like a holistic package it's like a huge Umbrella Just when we go out on a date when anybody goes out on a date you don't want to be judged but you're also constantly evaluating and judging the other person let me find a perfect partner perfect partner perfect partner perfect love there's no such thing as
(00:29) perfect love when you meet meet someone you're also meeting that person's past you're also meeting that person's background you're also meeting that person's experiences exposure uh the traumas that the person is carrying in his or her life or in his or her like being somewhere it's important to follow the path of slow burning love relationship I should be the one either consciously or subconsciously you want to lead cheating could be as simple as even if you're currently with someone
(01:14) and you're just texting your ex how does one realize what is their role in whatever wrong is happening in their relationship no one understands your relationship as much as you do welcome to the journey within podcast with me sharana this is a podcast where we deep dive into the personal growth journeys of Our Guest through the experiences that they have lived through the life that they have lived the insights that they have to share we try to build an understanding of our perspective about life how we process our thoughts
(01:50) feelings emotions and events in our life how we understand the inner world and the outer world and the Dynamics between these two worlds this is something that we try to decode through this podcast called The Journey within in today's episode we are trying to decode love for all of you what is love how it happens how do relationships hit difficult times and how to overcome those times uh how to balance effective communication navigate through difficult Partnerships cheating Partners narcissistic behaviors toxic patterns uh when to call quits
(02:22) when to break up all of this conversation is happening today on the episode with our guest ikar dshit who is a mental health professional and a relationship coach please welcome Ika dshit to the journey within [Music] podcast today we have with us a mental health professional and relationship coach to decode love for us please welcome Ika adhit to the journey within podcast hi sha thank you for having me uh so good to see you here in person and we've had a long chat already before this podcast I feel we've already
(02:58) recorded like two episodes yeah I think exact and I think somewh we should have had those hidden cameras because I think value we tried to decode relationships love so let's start at love that is the very basis of our existence that is one of the most basic needs that we have as a human being what is love what is the simplest way to understand love uh a lot of people often ask me what is love but then love is very subjective love it differs from person to person for someone uh we often basically associate love with with
(03:36) Intimate Relationships but we don't realize that love is something that you do with your parents with your family with um with even that that plant in your house yeah with that dog in your house or any pet basically and I feel that love we've we've concocted the whole thing saying that love has to be where you are compatible with each other we this this you're that you like matching 10 different list of things and that's what love is but love in simple form simply means it's an emotion that we all face we all experience it's a state of
(04:11) ecstasy it's a state where you feel a kind of or a sense of belonging towards that person that is love love is where you feel home love is where you feel that you're not judging someone or you're not being judged love is someone something that where you know that you've been accepted for who you are as a person that's love love is like holistic package it's like a huge umbrella what I'm hearing in your definition of Love is that it's a very internal emotion it's something that you feel from deep within from the depth of
(04:50) your heart now in today's time when our idea about everything is so external there is so much comparison our idea of love our perception of love the nuanced uh you know details of love everything is what we are borrowing from the outside you know how love love looks for other people that is how it should look for me how do we understand that we are really in love I think if you're in a state where you can be yourself where you don't feel where you have to meet certain criterias to be loved A lot of times we feel that oh I have to be in a
(05:25) certain way or a certain degree in order to feel validated and loved by this person to which that's love no that's Condition it's just that you are trying to cater to the person's conditions that's not love when I say love is unconditional even that is a condition let's just accept the fact there's no such thing as unconditional love um because the love being unconditional is a condition in itself but where you feel you're comfortable in your own skin in your own self how you are as a being where you don't have to mask yourself or
(06:06) wear this you know have this kind of a wall and show something which matches the person that's not love and this is what people are doing today if I let's say if I meet someone um and I go for the first date right when I go on a first date the first thing that happens is I tell the person what I like what I don't like uh this is what I prefer this is what I don't prefer I tell everything about myself and then you notice that the person if that person likes you will continue to do things that you like right in order to win you and this is
(06:44) what happens because there's a Chase involved correct so what happens with these kind of love is where you as a person you're trying to match what person likes in order to feel compatibility in order and sometimes times in the process you lose your identity that's not love so why you can be yourself you become a better version that is love Ika isn't there hypocrisy also here because I see that we all want to be accepted as who we are but are we really ready to accept other people as they are uh when we go out on a date
(07:20) when anybody goes out on a date you don't want to be judged but you're also constantly evaluating and judging the other person so how does one find a healthy balance because of course you have to take into certain IAS in account you know like you said that unconditional is okay um it's a very fanciful and Roman romantic concept but uh there are certain you know um uh certain preferences and likes and dislikes that you have and that you will evaluate so how does one draw a very healthy boundary between not judging the
(07:48) other person and discarding them bases their judgment uh analyzing or assessing maybe on a deeper level on on a more I would say spiritual level or something like that it's very simple when you meet someone obviously you do have certain criterias and all of us have it let's accept this while believing that this is how it has to be when I meet someone of course this person will come from a very different space altogether this person will have his or her own baggage because no matter how hard you try you have to people
(08:21) don't understand when you meet someone you also meeting that person's past you're also meeting that person's background you're also meeting that person's experien exposure uh the traumas that the person is carrying in his or her life or in his or her like being or self you have to understand this person is a complete different person altogether different from who you are so when you accept this distinction different and if the person doesn't match you completely or you feel compatible that doesn't mean that you be
(08:57) outright and you throw the person away you simply respectfully learn to set boundaries by a of course clearly communicating is to maybe I don't think we match on that level right of course we all want to be accepted and loved without conditions without judgments but Al at the same time you have to be empathetic towards that person would say and it's okay for the person to be different right but AG insan 75% then you have to learn to take a punt on that person what we do is 100% match let me not do it and that's why we
(09:42) get into this whole Space of let me find a perfect partner perfect partner perfect partner perfect love there's no such thing as perfect love only thing is when you see someone you find someone who's even 75% matching or 70% matching you because there will always be difference respectfully boundaries and sometimes we do get into this Paradox of choices also which means I do have this this uh
(10:29) I think privilege of choosing whatever I want but sometimes in this whole gamut of having lot of choices you end up not knowing what to choose well that is what I was coming to as my next conversation uh Ika you know you said that you have to try multiple things to see what you like and that whole concept is coming to dating also that whole concept is coming to choosing our careers as well that we want to experiment with multiple things now how healthy do you think it's it's for a person to go on this spre of
(10:58) exploration where does the exploration stop or where do you kind of start uh you know seeing the room for your own personal Improvement or expansion of something within yourself not just expecting from the outside world but also look within and see what am I not able to inherently accept or what am I rejecting where do I need to learn my lessons and and maybe stop my exploration or something like that you have to be cognizant of the fact of course I will experience a lot of differences with this person maybe
(11:28) initially I match with this person match we are matching our likes dislikes the way we operate in life the way we how disciplined we are the food choices this that everything but later of course there are going to be some diversion J person will start evolving and you will have your own journey to moment it is extremely imperative for you to know when I meet someone and going back to it even if you see that some degree of of Association that you can have or maybe you're so comfortable with this person that you are able to understand who this
(12:05) person is this person understands you and creates this comfort zone with each other then you're definitely supposed to take the BET to was time P You're supposed to stop the exploration because up even if let's suppose up level one to you want to go on level two and level three and level four because this is what what our life is all about you want to keep exploring a lot of different Avenues or different people or you want to keep exploring different levels also of course you have like the best person right now suddenly when you move
(12:44) out Mach you knowth you'll always meet new people you'll always meet new various um flavors of you know people come with so the thing is oh what if I choose vanilla because I like that I I like vanilla but also at the same time in the back of your head you like but what if suddenly you taste
(13:29) butterscotch and you're like but this tastes better yeah and then when you have butterscotch and you're like yeah but the strawberry was tasting way more better so you'll always have something that's way more better so you will always be attracted to someone but also at the same time at this point has become pretty bland so you start working on that why has it become so Bland why do you think that your relationship lacks novelty or lacks flavor why there's so monotonous uh you know a rhythm in the relationship why it's
(14:13) become so stagnant start working on it that's when you'll start getting lured by what's happening in and around but how do you break through this monotony in your relationship because after a while it does come right whatever you do in your jobs you feel monotony has come in you start taking it for granted also so how does one break out of that monotony and how does one rekindle their relationship because if you have to have a long-term relationship you will have your phases well well things will become a little dull and all of that how do you
(14:47) move past that phase with the same person uh how do you ensure that happens the fact about long-term relationship is that you have to make sure that you are connected with this other person intimately when I say intimate doesn't have to be sex always or doesn't have to be physical intimacy it simply means emotional intimacy it's about understanding who the person is so there are times when of course obviously monotony hit because there's no nothing new you know how this person is going to react you know what the what
(15:23) the lifestyle of this person is you know what this person wants just a weakend approach you know what are the ritual you're supposed to do which is why you're supposed to keep trying new things there's something that I came across and there was a study also related to it that you and your partner if you really want to be together for a long time and you want to make sure that there is always some kind of newness in it which means you have to always try new things not just together but even separately doesn't mean that oh you
(15:50) start you know doing things uh separate which means not like that but doing things let's say if your partner he has to go out with his Bros and do things such that when he comes back he has a lot of new things to talk about to you you have to go out with your girls right so you have to learn that you too have two different lives and you not everything needs to be done together of course you need to do things together especially females she comes from a space where she wants a lot of proximity from the with you know with
(16:25) the person with a partner and what happens with males is they need some kind of space and differen and which is why there's so much of uh conflict there's so much of uh you know uh distress in a relationship there's so much of this tension in a relationship and that tension can convert into lot of different uh you know uh problems and it can take different shapes in relationship it could be in a form of cheating it could be in a form of uh not having to try new things not wanting to spend time with each other so which is
(17:03) why you are supposed to a accept that you two are of course a couple but you also are two different individuals and you have to do different things not necessarily have do know different jobs same R you have to continue that you know that your partner is going to come back home and going to get into that a office this and that sometimes your partner is not in the mood for and sometimes a partner feels after after a period of time your partner thinks yeah I did not sign up for this yeah there like I want to I want to call
(17:38) it out right now you knowa compatibility is also a very present moment concept uh when you are going out with somebody you see your compatibility in the present moment that what your likes are what your preferences are um what is your need for entertainment or need for Solitude or need for sex because these are the things that you kind of assess between the two of you in the names of in the name of compatibility right because both of us are on our different life Journeys also and both of us individually are going through
(18:05) different life experiences you know you're basking in all these different experiences I'm basking into some other experiences compil our needs are changing maybe my need for entertainment was very high when I was 5 years younger maybe I wanted to go clubbing or dinners and everything every week but now my need has reduced however my partners needs are not evolving in the same direction maybe he wants to do it more now because his job is such that he wants to unwind a little more and same can happen for sex maybe Whatever frequency or
(18:46) intensity we had before that was working for the both of us but now and as such women are known to be late bloomers you know and and men are are hormonally very active in their early age which is their 20s and stuff and women are in their 30s so and that also becomes one very big big problem that I see I hear from a lot of my friends also that their need for physical intimacy also is much higher than before whereas the guys needs have kind of reduced down over the time so I'm not just talking about physical
(19:15) intimacy but also the the need for let's say entertainment like I said the need for Solitude like earlier your need for Solitude was very little you wanted to do everything together but now to have that creativity and Imagination and performance in other areas of your life you need to have Solitude as well so how does one kind of take this compatibility together that is what is a is a main reason for for differences in people in fact nowadays A lot of people have spent a lot of years together are separating are parting ways and they're saying we
(19:45) are no longer compatible so how do we ensure that we stay compatible as we go go in the life so first things first is to know that every single day you two are becoming different individuals you every single morning you like a new person maybe uh if I go back and I think about mornings mornings was like during my school times and my high school times my college times I used to wake up crying because I used to dislike mornings today I've become a morning person now let's suppose I started dating someone and this person was also
(20:20) like a not so morning person and now as i' as I'm evolving and I've tasted what morning feel like I want to become that morning person and if I'm imposing that on my partner saying you have to become this and that that's when the conflict begins so you have to know that the way you are evolving not necessarily your partner is also evolving in the same direction if I feel that morning has started to give me a different feeling not necessarily for my partner it will so you have to a learn and accept that there will be a different version of you
(20:55) each day and you cannot impose what really worked for you should work for the partner too right so there will be differences whether it's to do with your emotional compatibility whether it's to do with your physical compatibility but what really matters is you have to communicate with your partner it's not like okay this is what I feel this is what you feel you have to come to me no you both are are two different points point a point B and you both have to decide to go to point C so such that you both don't feel that one has to to cross
(21:28) the bridge right to you both have decided a common goal and you both are walking towards that common goal and it's very important to understand this a lot of people today are making making this mistake you do it you don't understand that oh you also have to start doing it I become a morning person you do become a morning person now you know in this uh space ETA when you are accepting the other person for who they are becoming you're accepting yourself also for who you are becoming how do you draw a clear boundaries that
(22:01) the relationship still stays I know I'll tell you where I'm coming from I'm coming from a space that when you increase your circle of acceptance for the other person how far do you stretch it that the relationship is still existing you know when once you start accepting you shouldn't be growing apart you should be growing up together there's a difference grow you shouldn't be literally taking or get derailed completely it doesn't mean that you're supposed to completely walk on two different paths it just means even if
(22:44) you growing even if your partner is growing it has to be parallel and somewhere again you're growing you're meeting again which means that even if there are certain things that you are evolving or maybe you're changing in you you also have to communicate this with your partner and find a midpoint J let's do things that works for both of us so those nuanced um uh you know activities or you know gives you a whole new feeling Al together yeah and I think it's a practice you have to basically work on it every single day to
(23:27) create that no in your relationship to create that newness in it to basically look at it from a Nuance perspective grow and what happens um I see the biggest problem in today's relationship is even if you both are becoming different version of you than who you were earlier acceptance radical acceptance okay a I have to radically accept the person is changing right but also at the same time let me figure out out how we both can work it out together by doing things that we both like so individual life but there are few things
(24:05) which are like a ritual for both of you that's something that gives that fresh feeling something that you look forward to you know weekend May we have a ritual we go out for bowling maybe we do this we do that it brings that newness also uh it gives you thrill also it makes you [Music] feel so what happens you both actually look forward to that thing that activity and that gives you that thrill that keeps you up in your relationship what are the three things or three practices that one must do to keep the spark and the newness alive in their
(24:44) relationship absolutely basic sometimes we talk about but as TR as it may sound a continue to talk about situations that bother you sometimes people think that we can't have hard conversations if something bothered you please have a conversation but make sure it's not hostile it's not attacking right make it in a way communicate irrespective I see a lot of people they shut down my partner does not understand how I feel or maybe my partner does not understand where am I coming from right to a continue to do the conversation part
(25:24) regardless of how hard the conversation is continue doing it second you have to make sure people I know a lot of people don't understand but you have to ensure that there is there is this intimacy that's involved in it emotional and physical both which also means that you have to um get Physically Active with each other see a lot of times it's not to do with or reaching climax sometimes just playing with each other also right so you have to ensure that sex is a part of your routine um and you try different things also and third is don't stop
(26:02) being playful always be playful have this child in you that wants to just be right sometimes in the process of being too mature and too this and too that that too serious never stop being playful always do these little things that are playful nature that kind of that everyone has this quirks and whatnot right to be that eccentric you and always be playful with each other right and it's very important while doing so be respectful that's the most important thing people don't realize that respect is such an important factor such an
(26:42) important factor because I see a lot of people when they break up they talk trash about their Partners yeah and they think just to feel validated my partner was like this and they trash talk about the partner saying validation I moved out of the relationship because of this reason because he was this she was that no respectfully move out maybe things did not work out but that doesn't mean that the person is wrong right you know labeling the other person as wrong and these days the new word toxic is thrown around is thrown around like like
(27:18) anything you know it's just dished out so commonly you start labeling the other people as toxic labeling them wrong and Shifting the blame completely to the other person for for the breakup and yes there can be circumstances where maybe the onus actually does lie on the other person 100% but I still feel that even in that 100% there is still a role that you have got to play so how does one realize what is their role in whatever wrong is happening in their relationship if it is not the relationship of their dreams or if the love is not like before
(27:47) and all of that how do you take responsibility and accountability there and you kind of transform your own self for the sake of uh keeping the love alive if that is what you need need right so what I'm trying to ask is not shifting just the blame of the outside but taking the compass within and trying to see is is your your own uh you know uh things that that probably you are not so good at so the first thing first and foremost is to start taking accountability in your relationship which also means and that only comes
(28:15) with awareness a lot of times we want to put the blame game on the other person saying because of him or her that's how I've become I've become this rude and snooty person because of my partner right I never wanted to be this and never want like you beautifully mentioned that sometimes the onus is completely on the other person but also at the same time that doesn't mean that you are the bottleneck here yeah right but you have to understand that no matter even if the other person is the one to be blamed completely
(28:48) because maybe this person let's say if the person cheated on you or this person is not putting enough effort or maybe this person is not kind of putting his best food forward to have a good sparkling relationship right in the process your job is to of course talk about it second to do or put your hard yards in to get it moving instead of just keeping it stagnant saying a let it be so be it so don't get into theat you put your 100% whatever needs to be done if relationship really matters to you and your partner both you
(29:26) both will definitely make sure to put the hard yards in to get it rolling you know sometimes we are too blinded by uh Shifting the blame to the other person and in fact in that in that blame game we also find support when you talk about what's not going right in your relationship or what is wrong with your partner to your friends you also find support because a your friends are emotionally attached and connected to you correct B not everybody has the maturity to understand both perspectives see even if you know and understand both
(29:54) perspective you still are not the right person because you're not experiencing in it you're just listening to it you're at a cognition level at an at an analytical level you're you know understanding what both people are talking but still you're not there to experience it right so so the third party involvement also gives you some sort of a validation the other person is wrong that's for triangulation yeah so that happens in a lot of relationships and when you start getting validated for you blaming the other person you start
(30:21) feeling you're you're right you you're that that rightness also increases for you in your own head and that goes against your own nature because aspas your relationships are breaking not just with your partner but with others also but still this I am right and then getting validated externally that yeah yeah you are right the other person is wrong that is also going to so much of your head that things are completely breaking around you so how do you sort of come out of this is what I essentially want to ask because this is
(30:47) where I feel a lot of people a lot of us feel challenged a lot of us don't want to look in the mirror and see the see the dark picture yeah you know in that case um I agree to certain points but also at the same time I beg to defer to a certain degree reason because it's usually said that no one understands your relationship as much as you do correct about what you both have seen in your relationship the paths that you've taken the way you've explored life uh the ups and downs everything right whether it's soaring highs and
(31:21) lows all of it you've seen it together all the trials and tribulations but despite all this it's extremely imperative for you to know that sometimes you don't see what others see everyone comes from their own perspective right for me let's say let's say if for me making fun of me or my work is something which is not acceptable but maybe for you you look at it as banter yeah let's suppose to for you it's fine see it's fine but look banter then suddenly you start feeling ashamed of your work or maybe you realize it's
(32:04) it's it's a derogatory way yeah it's belittling you yeah belittling you it's a derogatory way of addressing you or addressing your work to it is important to draw the line because sometimes other let's suppose if me as a child if I've seen my parents fighting all the time where my father would abuse my mother physically let's suppose and if I've seen that you know growing years when I grow up and when I get into a relationship and when my partner hits me I normalize it because I saw my parents doing it and they were together
(32:43) for 50 years and even after all the abuse they would get back she would you know they would also have these moments of things are good all of that so it gets into my head and forms a belief system that oh it's normal and it's normal just get back to the partner do things that your mother used to do with so sometimes what happens what you see out there is also the conditioning of your childhood it's the belief system that's been formed it's what you've seen in and around you to belief system where my partner is abusing me
(33:27) and if I start to normalize it and when people around you say that look it's not normal though it's important to hear people out especially your family and there have been a research also where they say ke when you're dating someone make this person meet your parents and your very close friends such that they understand where this person is coming from because sometimes we Overlook because we wearing those Rose tinted glasses and we don't realize that oh this person is making fun of me or belittling me and I look at it as just a
(34:03) playful banter but it shouldn't be like that every relationship will have problems there will be conflict there will be Tantrums there will be some kind of a discomfort there will be a difference of opinion but at the same time no matter distinct you both come back to each other for love for comfort for compassion knowing that you both are not judging each other and you both are safe space for each other that's what matters that brings me to my next conversation which is about relationships being 5050 that is one idea that is floating you
(34:40) know 5050 which is what I feel is a very flawed concept I I feel relationships are never 50/50 if I see for the relationship with my mother there are times when she is 80 and I'm 20 and there are times when I'm 80 and she is 20 and you said it said it yourself so what are your like I want to ask from a relationship coaches perspective a therapist perspective what are your thoughts there because when whenever I get into these conversations with with my circle of influence I am I am not in favor of 5050 for for anything
(35:17) like you can't be so calculative in relationships and the only relationship we get calculative in is with our partner we don't get so calculative with let's say our friends or even our family our siblings are parents we are all about like let's say give give give or take take take but with our partners we want to just just you know want to walk on this very hard line of 50/50 balance what are your thoughts there what's in for me what's in for me Rel what's in for me so because we are so self-centric that we constantly think
(35:56) about if I'm putting my hard yards in the person has to equally or more put the hard yards not necessarily because not every single day you're going to operate on 100 or 80 sometimes you're going to operate on 80 some days you're going to be at 20 and it's about a fair balance where you both understand without having to communicate when you come back home tired you don't have to tell your partner something he I'm so tired today you look after this or maybe it's like you both understand where you both are coming from and it's a fair
(36:29) balance to I'm seeing 50/50 situation to even it's a of course it's a no it's a flawed flawed flaw concept but more than that there are times there Comes A Time J without me asking to see this again the onus is on your partner also somewhere you and your partner you both have to understand your partner has done everything let's talk about from a daily your household Choice perspective so if your partner has done everything to understanding because let me also be there look when I say sharing household shows or maybe bills or whatever it's
(37:14) not that you're helping your partner uh in Sharing 50/50 no if anything it shows that you value your partner to you both should come from a space what can I do to make my relationship better which also means that you don't have to calculate a today I'm in a mood to cook something or make something or maybe today I'm in a mood to help her or him in something maybe I want to help him in a project but but he's already doing it so let me not do it problem
(38:07) I should be the one either consciously or subconsciously you want to lead you know I should not be succumbing Partners male and female I'm talking about both of them this all competition with the other person I think Beyond I think that is where the you're you are transcending your egos your individual ego and I think that is the base of every problem in a relationship in fact in communication that you as a therapist uh know that communication gap is one of the the major problem that couples have AA what are the three absolute no goes
(38:50) non-negotiables for a relationship when you say non-negotiables they're very custom made they're very tailor made they're very sub objective to person to person basic non-negotiables that should be a part of every relationship is a having respect in a relationship so it should come in a very come from a very respected space respect is topmost you can be in a room full of people but if you look at that partner of yours and if you don't feel respect towards that person there's no point second non-negotiable is communicating with
(39:24) your partner about what IRS you what are your trigger points your past has been when I say past which means it could be a childhood also something that bothered you as a child something that has left like a huge mark on you and the third is being truthful and honest to your partner if you love your partner don't don't give that anxiety to your partner [Music] saying commitment is not a weakness if anything it's a sign of strength now see two individual people coming into a relationship now mental health is on a
(40:03) decline as such you know and all of us are battling so many battles within ourselves two people who are coming into a relationship together how do they strike a balance in their mental health and also how do you deal with a partner if they are depressed or if they are not in their their ample of uh good mental health people don't realize that when I meet someone you're also meeting that like I me mention you're also meeting your partner's past you're meeting your person's upbringing the person's choices uh situations that have formed their
(40:36) belief systems you're meeting a person but there is a whole like a gamut of things or a or like a whole lot of things that a person has in sight so a understand about your partner's uh perspective towards life or perspective towards how they like to operate in life and when you understand the person you will also understand that what really triggers my partner what something is causing problem for my partner right now and if you really care for your relationship you'll never do things which will decline your partner's
(41:13) mental health if I know if my partner is has an anxiety issue or someone who gets anxious at a certain degree or because of a certain social setting or maybe when I say something can create a lot of this jitteriness or maybe queasiness inside of him or her panic attacks for a panic attack because I know that my partner will start overthinking and overanalyzing everything in that case I'm supposed to know where to draw the healthy boundary and not tell him or her things that are not right for her even if it means that it's just for B don't
(41:48) do it there will be phases because we do have lot of different areas of life and something can affect us so a understand your partner's personality what really works for the partner what doesn't work for the partner and while doing so when you know there certain trigger points try and refrain uh you know try and refrain from touching those trigger points all the time and if you did and without your conscious you know um effort of wanting to touch it or without your conscious uh you know that that agenda know how to repair it you know in
(42:25) addition to all this AA I think we should also read psychology and philosophy on a regular basis that will create a sense of self-awareness and when the awareness is within you for your own self that's that is when you can kind of extend it to other people as well you can start becoming aware of all the things that you are uh but I I think here is something I'm sorry to cut you off but then a lot of people think that just reading about it really helps no but reading or being aware of something is just a panasia it's not something
(42:53) which will make you aware but it's not the the way to to change something to transformation to transform the only thing it's the action that will bring the change it's what you've already collated together that here are the 10 different things that I've learned from different areas and from different I think platforms that to better a person's mental health or maybe have to have a good thriving relationship if I've learned all of this for me the most important thing is to apply yeah even if it means applying on
(43:30) a very minuscule level do it sometimes feel relationship trans at once no maybe take one step at a time baby steps are very important even if you start changing your whole equation for 1% every single day the change goes to 37% like the for the whole year yeah and it's very important to do so so try and understand understand ke even if it means means to change on a very very very very minute level do it to to a it's it's imperative for you to find that sweet spot that works for both of you that works for each other's mental
(44:14) health also where you constantly do things for yourself also as a relationship coach what is your idea of cheating how should people analyze cheating for in a relationship see I don't think there is any Escape Route to cheating by the way because cheating can happen on a very on a very micro level cheating could be as simple as even if you're currently with someone and you're just texting your ex even in a good space that you don't have any emotional attachment with each other there is no romantic angle to it it's just that you
(44:48) are being respectful towards each other and you communicating only in terms of whatever just you know just whatever it could be on a very shallow level even that's micro cheating because somewhere it gives a a space of um insecurity for your partner and you don't know this can happen so a lot of people don't understand once you've already build an equation with someone and you broke up with a person you can never go back to being friends with that person people don't understand you can't change uh your feelings for a person suddenly when
(45:20) you know that you were head over heels in love with this person and suddenly after years now that you get back to your saying hi hello or even if just texting your partner or texting your ex you think that it's just in a in a good space it's nothing There's No Malice there's no Personal Agenda there is no romance involved in it even that's cheating you can never detach the feelings you had for a person that you dated once your conversations will always revolve around oh you remember this thing you remember what happened you remember how we we
(45:58) what we did at this time so what happens is you don't realize that even after breakup speaking with your ex or chatting with your ex from no emotional standpoint even that is cheating because even that isn't appropriate because some way your conversations will always revolve around there I have a big smile on my face while you're saying all this because uh again like I uh was saying earlier and like we discussing everything is like so nuanced that putting a blanket statement over anything in today's time like how
(46:36) do you even draw your boundaries because I would also agree honestly that you can't be friends with your ex like even if you are in touch with you can be in touch with them you can be U forsake friends or you can even have care for each other all of that but you'll never be friends you'll never share your life you you you cannot be very emotionally into each other life like friends friends like buddies buddies you will not be buddies but you can you can still be in touch let's suppose you have made your mind and you don't have any
(47:05) emotional attachment with the person let's suppose and even if you happen to meet your ex at a you know after a certain period of time you may not have an emotional attachment but you don't know how the other person is operating right now maybe this person might still have some residual feeling I understand you know even I used to think like this earlier you know I understand that but responsibility the problem is that there is always some kind of tension between you two in that case reason because you spend like a good amount of time with
(47:45) each other also even after years it's good it's okay to to have that connection but also at the same time you know where to draw the boundary for you for you you know it CH you know it but even if the other person doesn't come from a space maybe he or she still has some residual feeling lingering around and there could be possibility of some kind of that emotional conversation between you two and even if you are so straight upright on and and out on the person's face saying listen but I'm not looking at from an emotional perspective
(48:23) even in that case what happens is there is some kind of a tension that keeps going on it also is about how well along you take the other person in the ecosystem with you like let's say if your ex has a current partner you also have a current partner or you don't have or you have parents involved or siblings involved how your ecosystem is also flowing with you if you're not being dishonest to anybody in your ecosystem and even to your own self at a very very that you have to again look within and see where is this this intention of
(48:52) friendship coming from is it coming from some residual feeling or some residual guilt that you have of breaking up or is it really coming from a space where you just want prosperity and happiness for the other person and it is a very difficult space to arrive at I know that because I've experienced it firsthand you see your partner with somebody else so initially you get even if you are with somebody then also it's kind of gets to you it's a very human at a human level but if you can transcend beyond that feeling and you're like you
(49:20) know I genuinely wish for prosperity and care because I I wish for abundance in my life I wish for abundance in your life and and it is a very mature plane to arrive at I think it does take because it's it's definitely a gray Zone permutation combinations not in that we are not in that era anyway that's the that's the problem you happen to do all that right so I feel that of course buddies like friendship we share a life or we share but respectful uh friendship uh
(50:07) relationship with certain boundaries I I see that as a possibility of keeping yes keeping it completely out not being in touch is is also a great solution because that doesn't put you into any Gray Zone of course and I think more than that even if you are let's post it's important to get your partner's perspective your current partner's perspective is very very important so I think of course it's a gray Zone but also at the same time not everyone is um I think as cognizant as maybe you are uh to draw the boundary to understand where
(50:38) the other person is coming from to understand that it's important to have a fair balance and work on yourself but it's better to not create any kind of a emotional nuisance yeah in your ecosystem beautiful how much we have You Know spoken about relationships todaya you have given your so many insights on on different aspects of a relationship since we are talking about excess and heartbreaks what is the right way to move on and what are the things that you should not do after a heartbreak so first thing you're not supposed to do
(51:12) after a breakup is a not to stop the person and check what exactly is this person doing second is to start filling your cup which means that you are supposed to do things that fills you up which makes you feel a bit more Alik after it because there will there is going to be void there is going to be emptiness there is going to be a space like a vacuum that's been created inside of you and a lot of times in this whole Space we end up either getting indulged in um another relationship as a rebound we um but of course rebound
(51:45) relationships are often pretty shortlived okay they could be maybe a month or two month and all of it so a lot of people you're not supposed to get into like a rebound relationship that goes on for a couple of months because it's just an Escape Route is to how do I fill my vacuum and in the process what happens the one you're with in terms of a rebound relationship you end up damaging the other person because it is important for you to not indulge into any substance because sometimes we get into drinking smoking
(52:23) or just being out there and you know um get into a lot of hookups in order to feel good about yourself so you are not supposed to do any of that after a breakup if anything what I would suggest is number one is to get into maybe get into Social Circle which means know more people if you have good set of Circle of Friends connect with them you know spend time with them uh spend time with your family with your loved ones in and around you people you that make you feel comfortable about yourself do these things a lot lot of people say that then
(52:57) go back to the times when you were feeling good about doing as a child as a child what is it that you really liked doing you love doing so go back to those activities as a you know as you used to do as a child most importantly don't try to bargain with your ex or with your past relationship saying that if you tried we've put our hard yards in but things always boil down to us not being aligned to a certain degree you're not being aligned to to any levels and you don't see your partner or this person as a future
(53:42) partner then it's better to draw the boundary and just call it off and other thing is to get into physical movement you might feel like wanting to be you know lay on couch as much as you can but Move Your Body Move Your Body maybe just go out for a walk whenever you feel you are in a rut go out for a walk uh talk to someone uh go to the gym move your body sweat yourself because this actually changes your brain chemicals right uh some beautiful things you said there I love the idea of filling your own cup uh because I think after uh
(54:14) breakups we have a lot of energy time and and you know this window suddenly opens up in our life to do do certain things that we didn't have the time for before if we care to look that side of life and if we do I think we can create some massive breakthroughs for us in in that space one more thing that I want to add to that list is that don't be shut to the idea of love when we go through a traumatic breakup we feel that people are bad the world is coming at me the life is happening against me and all of that we start
(54:46) making those belief system that love oh this is I shouldn't be getting into this let me excel in my career let me put this energy somewhere else do all of that but at the same time in your heart in your mind keep the space for love always because I feel when when we um when we make ourselves shut to the idea of love we just become ignorant and uh sort of not notice so many good things good people around us that we don't let their goodness touch us not just not just as a loving let's say partner or a spouse but just as general human beings
(55:20) this whole part of you that was loving someone and suddenly this person is gone from your life and you don't know how to deal with it you use the same part and that same energy to dislike this person to move away from this person and to shut down this whole idea that a You're Not Meant For Love B you don't think love kind of thing exists or there's anything as good love or there's anything as there's no such thing as good love bad love love is love but you completely shut yourself down from the whole idea of I think let me instead not get
(56:00) into it because this is not for me I know a lot of people ask me that what exactly is love I've never experienced love as such but love is when the person actually makes you feel good makes you feel home makes you feel alive in who you are is with you during your highs and lows both and doesn't judge you for who you are respect you for who you are honors you for who you are makes you a better person every single day every morning when he or she wakes up makes you look at all the great things that you made up of and if you're expecting
(56:37) that it's going to be all hunky dory it's see there's always going to be highs and lows but if that partner is by you sailing through those Gusto winds and stormy waves of the turbulent relationship or those ulent times that's what love is and if you can't see this I'm sorry but you're blind I'm just uh feeling what you're saying right in my heart you know as it is that that feeling itself is so gooey and so warm even listening about it uh is is making me feel so much in love you know I I feel uh love makes you a giver and not
(57:19) just a taker I think if anything it just makes you a giver only like a like true love makes you a giver love is when you want to see your partner in a good space beautiful we started with love and we end what love is and we've ended with what love is so we have defined love in so many uh ways with so many different nuances and aspects of Life uh thank you so much Ika for coming on the journey within podcast sharing uh from your experience of years of being a mental health professional of being a relationship coach of helping so many
(57:52) people sail through their turbulent relationships uh thank you thank you so much for having me and I hope this helps everyone who who is still um in this whole process of understanding how relationship is and what you should do for a better relationship yeah so thank you so much thank you such a pleasure thank you for watching this episode mention your favorite parts from the episode in the comment section and also do subscribe to the channel and also to our other channel that is the journey within clips tjw clips and uh we'll see
(58:23) you there thank you for watching um
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