Why Women Emasculate Men — and Why You Must NEVER Cave | Alison Armstrong Interview

Why Women Emasculate Men — and Why You Must NEVER Cave | Alison Armstrong Interview

Author Name:Dad Starting Over

Youtube Channel Url:https://www.youtube.com/@DadStartingOver

Youtube Video URL:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfmhH2Yih6w



Transcript:
(00:01) Miss Allison Armstrong. [laughter] Okay, >> so we're starting this off laughing for guys that are watching this going, "What happened?" We had a nice little funny moment here before recording today. But, uh, most of your work speaks to or talks to women, talking about men, helping women better understand men, the other side of the aisle.
(00:22) But my audience is mostly men, and a lot of them are coming out of long-term relationships and they're really struggling. So they're having a hard time trying to what's my identity now that my title of husband's gone. >> And what often happens for a lot of these poor guys is it's a perfect storm is like when it rains it pours and then he loses his job.
(00:42) You know either the job came first and then the marriage was lost or the marriage is lost and then he's all stressed out and he's not be able to perform at work and he loses his job and often a lot of the friends go with the wife because she was the social conduit in the relationship and and on and on.
(00:59) What do you wish that those guys knew about themselves that will help them in their relationship future and what they bring to relationships? >> Oh my gosh, that's a huge question. Um, first, if I may tell you why for three decades I've I mostly address women about men. Can Can I tell you that, >> please? >> So, I started studying men in 1991 when I found out I was bringing out the worst in them and thinking that that's who men really are, which is so unfair.
(01:36) [laughter] And and when we started our workshops in 1995 it and for the next 10 12 years we taught almost exclusively women. It was because in our view, in my in my view, the so-called war between the sexes, which I didn't know could get worse, but it has. Um, women are the aggressor. Women are the ones that are on the attack.
(02:13) And even when they don't know they're on the attack, they're doing something that's just classic female estrogen-based brain, not knowing that a man experiences it at as an attack. And that's why he's responding with whatever fight, flight, or freeze response he has or sequence of that. And and so that so for us it was triage like let's address where this whole thing begins.
(02:46) And for decades we had we had proof. We had proof that just by women striving to understand what a man's really doing instead of what she's accusing him of doing. Like she accuses him of ignoring her when all he is is focused. [laughter] and almost always focused on producing a result or focused on resting. So then you can then produce a result.
(03:13) And um and so I mean just so much of what I've worked on has been that. And then there came a time and the result was our understanding women course um that I realized that these women had given up the right to justify emasculating men. They were doing their darnest to be honoring and respectful and and co to totally curb their own instincts in order to allow for things like transition time [laughter] and or uh listening listening at least count to 30. Listen longer.
(03:54) He's first got to commit to the question and then search for the answer and he's going to give you the best he's got. So when you cut him off two seconds in because he hasn't responded half enough fast enough, it's never going to work for the intimacy you're looking for. Right? So all these things.
(04:09) So they were doing all these things, but they were living with men who were unwittingly aggravating their survival instincts and by things that to a man would mean nothing. Like amongst men, raising your voice is it's nothing. [laughter] It's it's it's it's does not have a nervous system activation for a man to raise his voice.
(04:41) He just raised him his voice. To a woman, you raise your voice and then you raise your hand and then I'm hurt. And we are terrified of all kinds of hurt. And that's her work always guarding against is being hurt mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, even etherically. Some women are aware of affect my aura.
(05:08) And so so that's why we did what we did. And then and then when the Queen's Code was published in 2012 and men started reading it, men like Will Spencer of the Renaissance of Men, then it started to get incorporated in what men were reading to empower themselves. And that's when I as I found out about that, I became actively involved in, okay, the Queen's Code.
(05:37) I didn't write it. I typed it. It's channeled. Its purpose was to transform the way women relate to men. And if men read it and can see what causes women to to emasculate them, whether if it's a a [laughter] it's a fight reaction like this criticism, this spew out of our mouth, or it's a freeze reaction, which just the occurrence is withholding.
(06:06) She's withholding everything, right? Um or flight. We could go on along there. But it if he can see that in that moment when the dragon is trying to incinerate him, [laughter] if he can look into her eyes and see the fear and frustration that is hidden behind that flame, if he can see it and men who've participated in our curriculum, they they now they can see it, right? They can they can see it.
(06:40) And instead of having to be defensive in however they do it, they can lean in and even like lean in like it seems like there's something you need from me. Do you think you could just tell me directly [laughter] and even have compassion for how terrified she is? because she is our our main experience of life that we will not talk about publicly.
(07:11) We just rage about the injustice of it is powerlessness which from what you were saying before we started is also the experience of so many men at the end of a marriage or as watching it dissolve that they don't have enough power to fix it. They don't know how to fix it and they're trying so hard to figure it out. I won't even talk about how much of what's available is detrimental.
(07:39) [laughter] >> But beware of what's written by women about how to fix your relationship with women [laughter] because it's mostly about how to contort yourself to be more pleasing to her, which is going to sap you of your strength. and have you not have the one quality that she needs the most, both to feel safe because you're strong and hopefully stronger than her in the ways that she needs and to be sexually attracted.
(08:11) >> So, >> okay. So, sorry that was that was the one I've done for so [laughter] long. You're not the first to come up. You're not the first to come up with the, I guess you could say, theory, if you will, of a lot of the relationship advice coming from women seems to knock us off of our masculine pedestal, if you will, and maybe feminize us in a way, if you want to say it that way, soften us, if you want to say it a different way, to the point where we are legitimately unattractive to them, which is just like
(08:42) that just makes no sense. But there's plenty of people that say exactly that. So, why on earth would a woman want to sabotage and turn a man into something that she finds wfully unattractive? Is that a form of a test, if you will, to see if he will in fact crumble? [snorts] >> It's not intended as a test, but it ends up being a test.
(09:07) Women do it because they think it will work. They don't know why it doesn't work, so they just like turn the heat up and do it more. And so they're just desperately trying to get what they need from someone that they think is like them and purposely withholding what they need instead of instead of they're missing a whole lot of quality information and and they're men are not motivated the way women are until they've been emasculated.
(09:42) So to put it simply, let me see if I can do it this just very simply and then you can take it wherever you want. So men and women are both seeking strength. So they're they're women are scanning for strength. Men are tend to be hunting for strength depending on testosterone and estrogen and focus and diuse awareness.
(10:11) And but what's really different is that unbeknownst to women, because men wisely do not reveal these, and I encourage you to not, they will be used against you. Men don't reveal their weaknesses. They know their weaknesses, but they're not, they don't want to, you know, sit down and talk about them because instinctually don't reveal anything that you believe can or will be used against you.
(10:41) And unfortunately, most wives have proven they will use it against you. You reveal a feeling to me, you reveal a fear to me, I will use it in an attempt to manipulate you. Why? Because ultimately I experience being dependent upon you. And dependency always creates manipulation. Wherever there's dependency, men, heterosexual men being dependent upon women for sex, it's going to result in manipulation unless he is shown how he can authentically pursue that need being met in a way that is honoring of her.
(11:16) But she has to teach him how to do that because as much as men are men grant women more being different than women grant men for women men's differences are you're misbehaving and you're and your justifications you're trying to your attempts to explain yourself are just poor justifications for bad behavior and now you deserve to be punished on top of everything else.
(11:46) So in this seeking for strength, men wisely are looking to pair with, to partner with, to be on a team with in all contexts and double down with a mate, a woman who he sees as having, he knows his strengths and he knows his weaknesses. He's looking for the woman whose strengths will complement his and will literally alter the possibilities of his life if he were with her instead of without her.
(12:21) Which is what makes it worth it to him for how annoying he can be. [laughter] So, but what happens and I just actually made this last connection about two weeks ago which is astonishing to me. Like cuz I kept trying to figure out, all right, so what a man wants from the woman he chooses or any teammate he chooses is to be admired for what he brings.
(12:51) He because he admires them for what they bring and all he needs from the person he admires is to be admired in return. It's very simple. And in fact, when admiration is expressed, competition, adversarial competition chills, right? It's so important to do. But what happens, and this was the connection I made a couple weeks ago, like why do we do this? Why do we do this? So once we pair with this man, then we start our program to change him because we're driven to be perfect, which means good at all things.
(13:28) >> [laughter] >> So now we're going to get him, we're or think we are anyway to get good at what we're good at because we're now losing admiration by the perception of his weaknesses. And yeah, so we're losing admiration. So and this was the thing I was like, "Oh my gosh, that's why we don't want to be responsible for our part.
(13:55) I want you to get good at it." So I don't have to carry the weight of it. [laughter] I want you to be perfect at everything. So I'm let off the hook for what I've been relied upon. And even for what you married me for, I want to not have to do. Oh my gosh. Okay. Well, I'll work on the other side of the aisle for that.
(14:17) But it just um I've trained many, many, many therapists. They've been a they see light in my work and they have since we started training people in 2006. Um, and they they're they're able to then do the work they're uniquely schooled for, which is to address what is personal for this human being.
(14:49) And unfortunately because they're not educated that way and we live in a psychologically based society which is maybe all first worlds at this part um countries at this part point in the game but we and I learn so much from men. You you guys your phrasing which is I what I tell women all the time. If you want to know what a man means, look it up in the dictionary. Not dictionary.com.
(15:13) I don't trust it. But if you go to Miriam Webster, that is men writing down what men mean when men say that. And you guys have this thing that you say like don't take it personally. >> Why? [clears throat] Why does she take everything personally? And unpacking that we literally do. You're saying something that's over in your space that's your truth and we reach over in your lap and we take it personally.
(15:45) [laughter] Why does she make it about her? Cuz we're sure it's all about us because we're sure. We're sure since we're feelings based for the most part, meaning driven by our feelings. Our feelings tell us the right thing to do. We're sure that if we can just get you to feel the right way about me, then you'll treat me the right way.
(16:13) We think your actions are based on your feelings. So, we're trying to change and manipulate your feelings all the time by being more or less of what you seem to respond to or we've been taught responds to. Modeled is a better word than taught. But what's been modeled for us and so for the so [clears throat] for the your original question is what would I tell men? I would say it's bad enough that women intentionally and unconsciously emasculate you.
(16:52) Don't do it to yourself. >> I love it. Find out the good reasons for everything you do and stand what you where you stand. This is no. I will not be held to account for behaving like a woman. I'm not a woman. If you want a woman, go get a woman. If you want a man, then I'll show you how to get what you need from me.
(17:20) I'll tell you how to get what you need from me. But you'll have to start by being willing to believe me when it's the opposite of what you think and have done for maybe your entire life and just like place your feet in the sand, the dirt, the cement and and be unbudgetable because she doesn't necessarily mean for it to be a test.
(17:46) She doesn't mean for a test. She's really trying so hard to get what she needs. But when you cave, it scares her to death. >> When you cave to her, how the heck are you going to save me from a tiger, from an enemy, from a burglar, from a rapist? How are you going to protect me from them if you can't protect me from me? [laughter] We know.
(18:16) We know where our greatest enemy is. [laughter] Our greatest enemy is right here between our ears and we need you to save us from that. >> But would we ever say that to you? Could we ever say that to you in this culture or at any time in the last >> I was going to say especially nowadays >> hundreds of years we couldn't have said it.
(18:41) And okay, so that would be the short version. Don't buy it. Don't buy it. Don't cave to it. Double down on what your values are, what your life is about. Think ahead. What will I be proud of myself to have been in the midst of this? What qualities do I want to embody in the midst of whatever this is? Because because you talked about the cycle, right, of whether they lose their job and then their marriage or they lose their marriage and then their job.
(19:16) Another thing that women don't know about men is well we are [laughter] depending on our hormones level levels will level you will land heavily on the side of safety is in connection and so we're constantly like auto redial trying to connect with you connect with you connect with you it's why we interrupt so much we're trying to connect we hate you being focused on something else, we feel abandoned.
(19:49) So, we'll interrupt trying to connect and then you're mad at being interrupted [laughter] and then it's worse and we think you're I say Okay, we do. That's what we think. Something like that. And so, we don't perceive even though many of us now are pursuing security through productivity, through achievement, through titles, accountabilities, money, money, money, money, more money.
(20:14) we're going to feel safe. We're trying to achieve that as well. We don't register that that's what most men the way most men pursue a sense of security, which is the word that I hear men use most. I almost ex well I would say I hear men use the word safety in everyone's safe, right? Like okay, everyone's safe whether there's fires or whatever's going on.
(20:45) How are you? All my people are safe. My family's safe. Other than that, you guys only usually say safe as in she's safe to talk to or I can't believe how safe you are to talk to. Mostly you guys talk about being secure about being confident, right? And it has everything to do with productivity and for how long you've been pro productive, how much you've experienced being productive right now, how much you anticipate being productive in the future.
(21:13) Which is why really successful men can be completely depressed. They're retiring and they don't have a purpose for the next part of their life. And now they're like they see no future productivity, then they start to experience being powerless, which then will cause despair and a whole cycle of stuff. And and yet as we diminish men, which one man described emasculation as diminishing my ability to produce results and as and one of the ways we diminish our men's ability to produce results is is we don't believe in you.
(21:55) We have no no we have no idea how much that means and we don't we don't reveal the information that will that you realize is so much our heart's desire so much what's going to have us be happy which is what I was starting to say before men are focused on providing what women need and what makes them happy until they fail at that enough that their focus shifts to don't upset her.
(22:31) >> Right? And she thinking he's a woman is a is a attempting to manipulate him by letting him constantly know how upsetting he is to her, [laughter] thinking that anything that upsets her, he will change because a woman would. [laughter] And so is what dependency does. So, oh my gosh, I didn't know this was going to go here, but it's it's worth it.
(23:03) So, if if I were going to sit down with your men, which I'm happy to do, by the way, [laughter] >> have me come on one of your bald as the moon things and I would happily answer questions. But if I was going to sit down with them when things are look like they're going to fall apart, I would talk to them about grab a hold of those hallucinations [laughter] and head into them.
(23:34) All those whatifs, but what if, but what if, but what if? Answer them. >> Answer them until you have a plan B. and use your imagination to picture to feel in to articulate a plan B that gets more and more viable more and more attractive more and more wow I hope this blows up [laughter] because then you're not protecting in an ineffective way something that you can't fix and instead Instead, you are now standing in your future, your life.
(24:17) You want to come with me or not? Which >> I love it. >> Yeah. I mean, one of the first things I read when I realized I wanted to read some men authors, especially who was popular at the time in 19 early 1990s and and I only read like four pages or so of Sam King's book, [laughter] which I tend to get everything I need at the time that I'm aware of in the first four pages of any book.
(24:44) And what he said was, "A man has two questions to answer. Where am I going?" and who's going with me? And he better answer them in that order. [laughter] I don't think he said deep trouble, but I know that was or he's lost. He's got to answer where am I going and who's going with me. It's the only way you'll be able to honor yourself first, which is what I teach to everybody.
(25:15) Honor yourself first or all is lost. Honor yourself first, then others. That's how you have a partnership then others. Without honoring there is no partnership. Uh partner with yourself first then attempt to partner with others. And if you do that the clarity you'll develop about who you are will actually attract women who want who you are [laughter] and keep enhancing your stand for yourself and your boundaries.
(25:48) No. No, I won't be here to be spoken to this way or so funny. We're going on six years. Well, it'll be six years in October. Um, my partner who I met like an about a year and a half after my husband passed and and we just we it was a very tender time, right? was just it was very early beginnings and he was driving and I was and I was afraid because he was so far over on the right line and there was a ditch right there and [laughter] I couldn't see very well because of where I was sit sitting and I was trying to figure out an okay way to bring this
(26:33) up and I and I finally said um do you do you always drive so close to the white >> [laughter] >> And I was in the back seat behind him because his dog, his aged aged dog was in the [laughter] was in the front seat where he could be more comfortable. And so all I saw was the back of his head and I heard [laughter] him say, "That sounds a lot like criticism.
(27:07) " And I stopped taking that a long time ago. my nervous system calmed yeah it calmed the strength that he was exhibiting in that moment it calmed the fear I burst into tears the Allison Armstrong criticized a man right [laughter] that was horrible But I felt safe enough to then look and see what was it really.
(27:48) And and I and I said, "I'm so sorry. I I was afraid." [laughter] And then he had the steering wheel, right? And he's still driving down the highway and he starts tapping the the steering wheel. That's why when I found out how m much he was focused on learning me and seriously this was two weeks into knowing each other [laughter] and he's tapping on the when she sounds like that she's scared.
(28:25) When she sounds like that she's scared. When she sounds like that she's scared. Like he was already teaching himself to perceive the dragon and he didn't know anything about my work. Right. And then and then he said, "Okay, so as I get to know you, I'll probably learn better what scares you and and and then this this this could be better for you.
(28:50) You'll be scared less." And that sounded very kind. And I said, "Yes, given how observant you've already proven to be, um I think you'll learn the few things very quickly. And how about instead when I'm scared I just say so and then you [laughter] can find but ask why or how or what am I doing and he's like yeah that'd be good and I wasn't scared for a long time and then I got scared when he was tailgating months later months months later and I was trying to figure out how to say something the same way right same
(29:29) neuropathy and instead I said, "I'm scared you're too close to that car." And immediately, I mean, the words without the attitude, right? Like the criticism was the knife underneath the nice words, right? There was no knife under there. There was just authenticity, which you all are so attracted to, >> which women don't know who live in a world of pretense.
(29:58) And I just and it was actionable, which is the thing that women don't know. You guys, actionable information gets acted upon [laughter] and it >> we just want to fix things >> and it Yeah. And it goes into the category of actionable even if you can't fix it now. That information is captured. But complaints aren't actionable.
(30:22) Criticism isn't actionable. There isn't this is what I need and this is what it would look like and this is the difference it would make and please tell me my part in this. That's what you always need to know. >> Mhm. >> Always, always, always, always. [laughter] I've seen it for 35 years in every context.
(30:48) And I mean, even the way you said it, there was this like this relief like, yeah, that's all we need to know. >> It's blunt adult talk. And that's what we like. We just communicate at different levels. And when we hear something like that come out of your mouth of like, do you always drive that close? >> What do we call it? We call it nagging.
(31:04) Like, oh, here we go. And it doesn't hit the right part of our brain. And we become defensive and and you just saw what happened there. But you two were adult enough to go, time out. I hear you. Gotcha. Cool. Now I know you're and you were able to communicate and away you go. I mean that's everything. >> Um I want to go back to a couple points you made which are huge in our world.
(31:26) >> Another way to label what you talked about with a man he needs something to strive for and everything is a mission in life. >> And what a lot of guys determine is >> especially after a divorce, >> wow, my mission in life was basically make this woman happy, keep a roof over her head, work, work, work, make sure these little kids are alive and thriving and so forth.
(31:46) And then when that goes away, [clears throat] I don't know who the hell I am anymore. >> Right. >> And what's interesting is to use some of your verbiage and some of the things that you teach. You talk about the different stages that men have, the page, knight, prince, and king. And then you talk about, if I'm correct me if I'm wrong, there's a funnel or tunnel between the the knight and the king.
(32:04) Is that right? No, between the prince and the king. Excuse me. >> Yeah. There's a tunnel between the prince and a king. And then there's also I think maybe about 10% of men who literally transform from kings to elders. >> Interesting. So what I was wondering is for these guys that are in this life transition that they didn't ask for post divorce, >> are some of those guys in that in that tunnel between the >> between the uh prince and the king? Possibly.
(32:32) Well, many of them are because the tunnel when the tunnel begins seems to be about 12 to 15 years after a man is seriously building that that's he's focused on what it is that he's building. And so it can happen. I know a man who went into the tunnel at 34, right? and my dad said, "Yeah, I didn't do that until after I was in my 50s.
(33:10) " Right? So, so the range of it, but that range of it also can coincide when a marriage has gotten to the point where her estrogen levels have fallen off s significantly even isn't a a big enough word for it. Right? As the OAM disappear, which by the time we're 37 years old, we are not considered to have enough to harvest to be worth harvesting, um the estrogen levels dive because they come almost entirely from those little tiny eggs.
(33:49) And so our brains are shifting from connectivity to productivity. And we're now interacting in a almost manto-man kind of way, if you wanted to put it in those words. And we're competing to be productive. We're assessing, am I better off with you or without you? And if I can support myself with what I'm able to earn and what I'm going to make sure the courts give me of yours, then I'm starting to get really better off without you.
(34:26) especially if you're not going to do what I say. [laughter] Oh, it's so horrible. Um, I think this is why there's a lot of men who only want to even begin to consider a romantic relationship with one of my serious students. [laughter] Um, [clears throat] we so contribute to the demise and that thing that you said about mission, mission is good, purpose is good.
(35:00) Um, strongly encouraged to have a purpose that's bigger than than keeping a woman happy and and maintaining and supporting a family. Get a bigger purpose. Um because you're I tell women this all the time because they want to be a man's first priority. I said, "No, you don't. [laughter] Your men's capacities are so huge that if you are their focus, they will drive you crazy with what you p perceive as neediness because they need you to need too much of them.
(35:41) You can't need that much of them for their capacities. [laughter] And so it's at whatever point if a man can for himself have a purpose which then she is part of instead of all of then he will pay enough attention to the care intending of her [laughter] if you want to put it that way. Although I don't like that.
(36:10) that book um about husbands, the care and tending of husbands. Yeah, like they're fragile. You guys are so not fragile. You're just way more sensitive than we think and you give us way more credit than we often are earning. So, >> I would agree. >> Yeah. Anyhow, I I discovered something about this. I don't know if you've seen any of the interviews because I've been talking about it almost for a year now because I'm actively in an in the odd way that I do research um I'm working on the sequel to The Queen's Code.
(36:53) >> And yes, and uh much to my surprise, which seems silly, I was informed that the title of it is The King's Code. [laughter] like, oh my gosh. And then that was two years ago. And I keep having things revealed to me because in the way that these books come through, they're like movie trailers, movie clips that are picked from different parts of the movie, not literally, and they just come when they come.
(37:29) And I got very stuck and the it the book stopped coming and I I had this thought that I wasn't open enough that I wasn't a big enough aperture for the king's code to come through that even I I've been studying men since 1991 and thought I had mapped the all the constellations in the universe of men and that the distinctions I was making now are more fine-tuning.
(38:00) I was I was in my kitchen and this sentence dropped into my head, the ever presence of death. I was like, what? [laughter] And and just waiting and listening for it to un unpack. And all that it went from that was men live with the everpresence of death. You are nodding the way every single man I have spoken this to in the last year nods.
(38:35) It took me three it took me three months before I brought it to Dan, my partner, because I I just I just hadn't seen enough. And when I said it to him, he said, "Yeah, it's sitting right here." And I I just it it's come it's so it's still coming. It's still connecting the dots, right? And it's connecting the dots to every other thing I've learned about men.
(38:59) [laughter] Every other thing there isn't anything left out from the everpresence of death, including that once again, we are opposites. And in women, you find the everpresence of life. And all you want is for it to thrive because as it thrives, it feeds you. And as that the thriving female, and it doesn't have to be romantic, it can be sisters, it can be friends, it could be any woman who is it's beyond nurturing.
(39:41) It's nurturing and empowering and enlivening. what we would call all of what femininity allows a woman, the tempress and the mother and the queen. And that that you need that and especially a purpose in serving that in the world because she I didn't understand it when this man said this about 25 years ago. I asked what it makes a woman worth dying for.
(40:14) And he said, "A better question is, what makes a woman worth living for?" And I did not catch up to that statement until a year ago. That that with the ever presence of death that I could die at any moment, which I now have been asking [laughter] men about. And that well, men don't want to die. and some fear death.
(40:44) A bigger fear is to die for nothing. >> I had uh I had someone who was doing like a little analysis of me and they said they think they got me figured out. And I said, "Well, what is that?" And they said, "I think to you leaving a legacy is really important." They say it's like all of your work is you trying to leave a mark like writing all these books and doing all these things.
(41:02) It seems like in your kids and always talking about your kids like you want to leave your mark on the world. And it's like I hadn't outwardly overtly thought of it that way, but you're right. And I think what you'll find is that's a lot of men that death is always hanging over us and it it's there.
(41:17) It's going to happen. Hopefully not tomorrow, but and I just turned 50 here recently. And that really put it more [snorts] at the forefront of like, you know, halfway point. Well, I'm past the halfway point. So, it's Yeah, it's interesting. >> Yes. Well, I to take what you said, I think virtually every man wants to make a mark on the world.
(41:43) And depending on his values and you could say it, his level of consciousness beyond survival instincts will depend upon if that mark is to have conquered or is or is it to improved to have improved the lot of humanity which obviously you're working on [laughter] improve expanding our possibilities as as a species instead of the mark that is that is identity do you know is that is the name and um and it's something really important to
(42:29) pay attention to right and um there's a man who's part of sacred suns organization of men's work I admire and there's a workshop I led for them that's now on the on YouTube which I didn't know it was going to be there but I'm kind of delighted. Well, actually I'm really delighted. I also just feel really naked and um isn't he goes by bare heart and and he and he's like this much taller than me and he's looking down at me.
(43:01) He's Allison men have to have purpose. And he says yes I know. And he goes and we need to know what will make a difference. like, "Okay, yeah, yeah." And he goes, "And we need the aunties to tell us." [laughter] And he's just boring into me and I want you to tell them that. [laughter] And and because women aren't paying attention enough to our sensitivity to life and where life is thriving and where it's suffering and that that needs help and that men as the problem solvers of the world and that with the desire to help if they can. And I teach women
(43:48) this. You you ask a man, will you help me? He says yes. What? And then if he can't do the thing you're asking, he'll start thinking, do I know someone who can, [laughter] right? Because he's going to he'll help you at least with that step. If you ask a woman, can you help me? She says, that depends. Hello.
(44:12) And women think men are non-committal. [laughter] Yes. What? Right. And but women don't know that the way your minds work that make you such great problem solvers and hunters of solutions is also what is going to screen out the indications that we're sensitive to. >> This is an area of life that needs your help. And the more I keep unpacking this everpresence of death, everpresence of life, and it's just been happening for decades now. Just we're so well made for
(44:57) each other. [laughter] And >> it always comes down to that, doesn't it? The yinyang is just such good compliments to each other. >> And we and we need we need each other so much to fulfill the possibilities of who we are. We we just do. And I remember in 1992 when I'd gotten really upset with my soontobe fiance cuz I'd found personal items in the closet [laughter] from his previous life.
(45:33) Scared the heck out of me. I when I finally saw what it was, I grabbed the hold of him and I whispered in his ears, "If you tell anybody I said this, I will kill you." And he was just like, "Okay." I said, "What scares me the most is I need you." M >> I was a feminist. [laughter] >> Mhm. >> Anything you can do, I can do better.
(46:08) I There was a while where I I installed commercial carpeting. [laughter] My last name is Armstrong. I'm gonna [laughter] read I have a lot to prove since I was a little kid. And it just to say I need you. Women are horrified to find that out. But when they first start working on wanting to have a powerful relationship with a man, I said I teach them start scanning.
(46:40) Start scanning for how is this man strong? And then when you see it in all rainbow of colors, all these ways that men of every age from, you know, my two and a halfyear-old grandson on up to 95year-old, how is this man strong? Because you all are. And once you can see it in a rainbow of colors, then start asking, "How is this man stronger than me?" [laughter] And if you're willing to see it, then keep going.
(47:19) [laughter] If you're not, it's over. Don't even try. Right? But if you're willing to see it and you start seeing how is this man stronger than me, then go to the next step. How is this man stronger than me? And I like it. >> I love [laughter] That's when you're starting to get into this is a man who can give me what I need.
(47:46) But I've But you got to make sure to tell him. [laughter] I need you to be the guy who said that feels like criticism more than I need you to be earning more money than me. >> I love it. Miss Allison Armstrong, thank you so very much for coming today. I love your work. Keep doing what you're doing. You plan on just doing this for in until your days are up.
(48:11) Do you do you have an end in mind? You have so many more books in mind or what's what's next for Miss Miss Allison? >> Ah, well, I know um The King's Code that the the video started up again after I led the workshop at Sacred Suns, which was my first The first time ever in my life, I witnessed the brotherhood producing results together, empowering each other.
(48:43) Stunning. And the next day, the movie started running again. And I'm like, of course, if I hadn't witnessed it, I couldn't receive the King's Code. Um, so I don't know when it's going to be done. I think we'll be lucky if it comes out next year because >> my awareness of the [laughter] process that I have no control over.
(49:06) But I I don't I can't imagine not always teaching in some way. I I am a messenger and not everybody can hear me. So, we've taught over 600 people to teach our work because they speak different languages, right? They can they can tie it into attachment styles, by the way, in a in a way that [laughter] doesn't drive me crazy.
(49:36) And it's Yeah. I mean the our biggest challenge right now is having the hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of hours of teachings I recorded translated and interpreted accurately for that language for that culture. like words in English. We found out a word in English is abhorrent in Yiddish. In in Hebrew, forgive me.
(50:01) In Hebrew, it's a abhorrent. Like where to most men speaking English, it's a call to action. To them, it's a huge version. So, it's not just translation, it's an interpretation. And so, that's something I'm working on. and also more teaching more people to teach our courses for people who'll never come online or never come online in English because that's where I poured everything to reach the most people.
(50:37) Um but honestly Ralph when Greg died um 7 years ago interacting with my students saved me. you know, he died on Saturday and on Tuesday I was interacting with the leaders that I had taught and on Tuesday night I was interacting with the people at the beginning of my curriculum and I just showed up because that was the best way to honor Greg.
(51:13) He I I think when I asked him about his purpose, he said he said, "Supporting you is my purpose." And I said, "Don't you want a bigger purpose?" Sorry, honey, for being insulting. He said, "God bless him." He said, "Have you followed you around lately?" [laughter] >> Pretty big. >> I loved it when Rude stand up to me that way. It was so hot.
(51:40) And [laughter] it just Which we love being stood up to. Um, and so I I can't imagine, you know, it would be dishonoring of him to no longer do what he gave his life for me to do. None of my work would exist in the world if it weren't for him. It just truly wouldn't. Um, him and and one other person, Joan Mlean, who started our company with us and gave it its own foundation, which not my forte.
(52:09) And um so the King's Code, I don't know if there's any after that. Um we're starting to work on a curriculum for parents um which I've just I'm passionate about parents modeling um conscious choices as opposed to just the enactment instincts um for young people. Um, I've only done a little bit of work in this area.
(52:41) We have something called empowered parenting and parenting and partnership is on our website, but that's that's a big commitment for me. And um and part of it is, you know, I have my second grandson's going to be born in about a month. And I'm it's why >> it's why I'm moving to northern Idaho. um to be to be in their lives as little men and to be in their lives learning.
(53:16) I'm getting to learn what a mother can be to a son by observing my daughter. >> Mhm. >> And who's grew up in my work, right? Did our first workshop when she was 13, started volunteering, was on staff, started, you know, working with me when by the time she was 15. But watching her translation into being a a mother and she never talks to Leon like a baby.
(53:58) And and I I heard I was talking on the phone and I I heard him say, "More water, please." and and she looked at him and she said, "Oh, you've [laughter] you've poured it down your shirt." And yes, more, please. And she says, "Well, your clothes are all wet. What do you think we should do about that? >> [laughter] >> She assumes, you know, he had a good reason for it, that he wasn't misbehaving. [laughter]
(54:43) >> He He's part of the solving the problem always. Like [laughter] it just >> And so you're back there going, "Yes, that's my girl. >> I I No, not even that. I can't I didn't make her that." Right. She she's taken everything that she's done in her life and she keeps choosing partnership and we yes we modeled partnership imperfectly me and her father but it she's so far beyond me.
(55:24) She's she's next year. >> That's the ultimate compliment. >> Yeah. And it and I'm I'm literally I'm just I'm in awe of her and I try to express it because she just thinks Leon is perfect >> and and I try to tell her about like I said you guys are in this upward spiral in this swirl the two of you. You adore him and he adores you adoring him and you just keep doing that even when you have to set a boundary with him.
(55:55) No, you can't do that. And she is firm as all get out. [laughter] It just she doesn't see her part in it. To her being this way with him is of course >> that's natural. >> Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. My golly. And I know it's because of how she listened. I know it's because of her values that I did not instill in her.
(56:20) We come with them. We literally come with We're born with values. You you have children. Yes. You >> horrible. >> You can instill in them your idea of right and wrong and what it means to do the right thing and be honorable. But ultimately their foundation what's more important than anything else. I don't think I don't think we shape it.
(56:44) But um except for in the bad way I would say we shape it. [laughter] defend your territory no matter what, including any fight to your identity. [laughter] >> There's a lot of that going around. Yes, >> okay, that was a long answer to your question. I don't know if I'll ever retire. I'm slowing down. I I'm definitely slowing down.
(57:09) >> I would hope so. Goodness sakes. >> Yes, I have a lot of this in my future. [laughter] >> I love it. >> Yep. We're both moving to northern Idaho. Um [laughter] less ve very very close to the fourth largest fourth deepest lake in the whole US. >> Nice. >> Yeah. So >> very cool. Well, Miss Allison Armstrong, I wish you all the best.
(57:38) Thank you for everything that you do. Thank you for coming on here. The guys that my listeners, viewers are just going to be delighted. You're one of the biggest names in our world. You know that. And we just all love what you do. We love you. And um thank you again. We appreciate you. >> Thank you. Thanks for being you.